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14 weeks and still can't decide

(17 Posts)
ashamed55 Fri 22-Dec-17 18:28:58

I've got myself into a situation which can't be solved and I feel like I'm going mad. The concise version of the story is that I'm pregnant and feel doubts about continuing because I can't shake the thought that I tricked my partner into this pregnancy and he is very keen for me to have another abortion. At the same time, I feel terrified about having an abortion and I really do not want one. I had an abortion two years ago and regretted it and felt a despair I didn't know existed.

I have been with the same partner for 5 years and we are both 31, the first pregnancy happened because we were using withdrawal method and it didn't work. I was in a state of shock and felt pushed into an abortion by him at 7 weeks. Fast forward 2 years and we were using withdrawal method again although a couple of times he hasn't pulled out like at the end of my period. Then when we were on holiday we were having sex and I said 'don't pull out, it's safe'. when I knew it wasn't. I got pregnant again. I feel like it was a moment of madness and I don't know what I was thinking. He is desperate for me to get an abortion and says he never would have had sex with me at all if he knew I wouldn't have another abortion and I'm crazy for even considering keeping it and he knows for certain he does not want kids now or maybe ever.

I have made multiple appointments at BPAS and seen the counsellor but find I cannot go through with it even though I am now in the 2nd trimester. Neither option seems right. I feel a huge amount of guilt for what I did in that moment and like I have to have an abortion because I did that. The next appointment BPAS have available I will be 16 weeks which I worry is too late (for me personally) and I'm really worried about my mental health if I do have another termination as I took it so badly last time. How can I keep the baby and get over the voice in my head telling me I'm a terrible person? Or do I have to have the abortion because what I did is inexcusable and I want to be a decent person? But if he was so sure he didn't want a child he should have insisted on condoms surely. god I feel so exhausted by this mental turmoil it's been going on for months and I still don't know what the right thing to do is.

Desmondo2016 Fri 22-Dec-17 18:31:45

As you know only you can decide. You and your partner have continually acted irresponsibly and you can only blame yourself for this dilemma. But that is separate to the decision you must now make. But for goodness sake get on with it.

SleepingStandingUp Fri 22-Dec-17 18:35:24

Don't have an abortion.

Not for any reason other than you clearly don't want one.

You don't have to have one as punishment for a moment of whatever it was. You don't have to have one because he wants you to. You don't have to have one because he may leave if you don't.

You soy have an abortion if it is right for you and this clearly isn't.

You say he doesn't want kids so why isn't he using contraception? He's happy to play the odds assuming that you'll just have abortion after abortion for the next 15 or 20 years until you him menopause??

Trust yourself to know what is right for you and accept that that might mean going it alone.

You'll don't sound like you want to live the great of your life childless and he does. Even of yourself weren't pregnant I'd say you need to reconsider your relationahip

totallyrandom Fri 22-Dec-17 18:43:03

Can you confide in a person you trust and knows you well? Ideally someone who was there for you last time? Please don’t be influenced by some strangers on the internet. If you keep the baby are you happy to raise him or her yourself and without your partner? It sounds from your post that you want to keep the baby. It is your body and your choice entirely. Don’t feel guilty about your partner. He should have taken much better precaution if he loves you and should have realised what you went through last time when you had an abortion and should have taken much better precautions. Best of luck with your decision.

Solasum Fri 22-Dec-17 18:43:31

The withdrawal method is not exactly the most reliable choice. If he was adamant he didn’t want to conceive he should have used an additional method.

If having another abortion would destroy your mental health, don’t do it. However, I think you have to be fully prepared to be a single mum. Are you in a position to support a child emotionally and financially? From the little you have said he doesn’t sound great, and he clearly isn’t going to trust you any time soon. That is no foundation for a happy relationship, and after 5 years you are past the honeymoon stage and should have a fair idea of what you are both like.

hereitis Fri 22-Dec-17 18:52:29

Have the baby, lose the man. You want the baby, you wouldn’t have let it go on for months if you didn’t. It didn’t start under great circumstances but that’s done now. I think either way your relationship is finished tbh but you would have something to go forward with. Then get some proper contraception before you start a new relationship.

Honey2468 Sun 24-Dec-17 04:01:21

Hi, I hope you have managed to think things through a bit more clearly by now. It sounds like you really wanted a child/family with this man and acted on this in the heat of the moment. I myself have used the withdrawal method for five years without one slip up and my fiancé has always been super careful with this however we were always on the understanding that one day we both wanted a child together and if it happened then it happened. It would nice to be married first and travel a bit more but it was something we both really wanted at some point so it was not the end of the world. If this man really did not want children at all and you have already went through the trauma of an abortion then he had just as much responsibility as you to protect himself with the use of a condom. Women can ovulate at strange times at any point in their lives (stress/illness) and even the most effective of contraceptive methods is only 99%. It’s not entirely your fault and as previous posters have said, he cannot expect you to emotionally and physically go through abortion after abortion. If you want to have this baby then have the baby but what you need to do is make a decision and stick with it. Speak to someone close to you (not your partner) and get a feel for how much support there is. This is a horrible position to be in. Even if you don’t keep the baby I think you need to think about moving on and finding someone who wants the same things as yourself - a family. This is just something you can’t compromise on and you can’t go on as you are. Good luck!

FirsttimemumJan18 Sun 24-Dec-17 04:39:50

Hi @ashamed55 What a terrible position to be in. Please don’t feel that you ‘trapped’ him as you are BOTH equally responsible for creating this little life. I can see why he may be annoyed but just ‘withdrawing’ isn’t an ideal method & is he even aware of how the first abortion affected your mental health? However your current situation is what it is and you are now in your second trimester. Please don’t dwell over, what if, why didn’t I, why didn’t we etc...That’s in the past now and you have a real situation to face which I sense is the hardest thing for you to do. The main thing I’m getting from your post is that you seem to really want this baby. As my mum always says there is NEVER a right time to have a baby... ‘I want to be married first’....’I want a better job with more financial stability first’...’I want a bigger house’... ‘I’m too young...’ ‘I’m too old...’ ‘It’s too soon in our relationship...’ etc etc. You have to do what is right for you...Pregnancy affects our hormones and emotions at the best of times...I know as I’m now 37 Weeks! So don’t feel bad about being emotional and torn about it, but the longer you leave making a decision the tougher it will be. I wish you lots of luck and it’s obvious you want this baby so much and are still feeling the guilt from your previous abortion. You cannot change that situation as it’s in the past, but you can make a change with this little one. Good luck 🍀x

ashamed55 Sun 24-Dec-17 10:54:40

Thank you for the replies. I have spoken to people I am close to in real life as well but I can't admit to them that I bought this whole situation on myself. I know the relationship with my boyfriend needs to end and have actually left our flat and am staying with my family so that already has made me feel better.

Every time I cancel an appointment at the termination clinic I think I've made up my mind to keep the baby. And then the day after I feel a panic because I don't even want to be with the father anymore and right now don't want to ever see him again and wish the baby wasn't half his. Even though I can do it by myself I feel sad that I'm not going to be having a child in the way I imagined.. ie in a happy relationship and I just want to know if its better to have a baby with the wrong guy or if its a recipe for disaster and unfair on the child.

FirsttimemumJan18 Sun 24-Dec-17 18:21:56

Selfishly I would prefer for you to keep this baby. I saw my own baby’s heart beat for the first time at 7 Weeks & couldn’t even comprehend the idea of terminating her at 14 Weeks, but appreciate its easy for me to say. But it’s your decision x

EvaBlu Sun 24-Dec-17 18:27:56

I am hugely pro choice and believe a woman should only continue a pregnancy if she is happy to do so and feels prepared for the challenges of parenthood. However, if you really regretted your first abortion then you need to be prepared to feel the same again. I don’t know what i would do in your position but I wish you all the best. Maybe try and tell one friend or family member the whole truth. Although I’m not sure the detail youbhave omitted will change the advice people will give you.

specialsubject Sun 24-Dec-17 22:40:21

Take the man out of it - he's gone anyway. Do you want this baby? Can you give it lots of love and a good life? Repeat - will it be wanted and feel wanted? If so, that's the answer.

Whatever you do, you will not be a terrible person.

And please in the future - real contraception. You both share equal responsibility for this, you both knew that withdrawal is risky. No one trapped anyone.

Bubblegum89 Wed 03-Jan-18 18:09:26

I was pushed into having an abortion at 14 weeks and it’s the biggest regret I’ve ever had. I’m now trying for a baby and have been for over a year and have been unable to fall pregnant due to consequences of the surgery I had for the termination. I may never be able to have another child now and I kick myself every day knowing that I got rid of my chance even though I wanted to keep it. Only have a termination if YOU want one. If your partner doesn’t like it, lose him instead.

Myheartbelongsto Mon 08-Jan-18 19:54:08

Keep the baby because if you wanted a termination you would know by now.

It's beyond cruel to keep getting pregnant and then aborting.

Febe123 Fri 01-Jun-18 08:02:57

You obviously want a baby if you tricked him so keep it. I imagine an abortion at 14 weeks is worse than one at 7. Just allow him to not have anything to do with the baby.

specialsubject Fri 01-Jun-18 19:45:05

thread is six months old..

Rainbowc Fri 17-Aug-18 00:33:31

What did you decide? How are you? X

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