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This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

stupid and scared

(59 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

christmas1989 Tue 21-Nov-17 21:31:49

I don't know what to do and can't talk to anyone in real life. I have a 5 year old daughter and I am pregnant again. My daughter was from a drunken one night stand. She is the best thing that's ever happened to me and we are very close. My family were very upset at the time as they are very strict and we're very embarrassed of me. I have been seeing someone only for a couple of months, I haven't introduced him to my daughter and wasn't planning to for a very long time. We used protection but I have just found out I'm pregnant. I can't face the crippling embarrassment of telling my family it's happened again. I am scared also that I don't really know the dad very well, I don't know how he will react, what his family are like. My daughters dad wasn't interested but I have managed well on my own. I'm scared and don't know what to do

LipstickHandbagCoffee Tue 21-Nov-17 21:45:48

Ok, well you’ve not done anything wrong,it’s not your responsibility to manage family feelings
On a practical level,how are you sorted financially?good friends?work?
What’s your gut feeling,what you want?you have options to keep or terminate
Are you within MAP range?
Do you have a mate to confide in?
How will your bf take it?do you want him involved

Isadora2007 Tue 21-Nov-17 21:49:27

Youre not stupid. These things happen. Speak to your partner first and see what he says. It might not be the end of the world. If you want another child you know you’ve managed well once alone and will do so again. If you don’t, then you can choose to not tell anyone you don’t want to.

Awwlookatmybabyspider Tue 21-Nov-17 21:50:25

With greatest respect to your family.
They need to enter the 21st Century.
By your user name. I could be wildly wrong, but I'll take liberty to assume you were born in 1989 making you 27 or 28 years old. Good Lord you're far from being a blushing teenager.. I think your parents know you're having sex by now

christmas1989 Tue 21-Nov-17 21:59:43

Yes I'm 27. I haven't told them I'm seeing anyone. I feel like I'm a terrible mum to my daughter as it's irresponsible to have another baby without being in a long-term relationship. They strongly believe in being married before having a baby, I can't face them again. Im scared what if he thinks I'm not good enough and wants custody. Im not used to having anyone involved I've always been on my own. Everyone will think really badly of me

LipstickHandbagCoffee Tue 21-Nov-17 22:06:07

You’re an adult,you’re a parent.and even if you do disappoint parents,well tough
You need to be able to say to them you are a parent,with a loved child,and that’s how it is
Is there a cultural or faith aspect to this?is it important to you?
You have options either keep or terminate.personal choice up to you

Isadora2007 Tue 21-Nov-17 22:10:11

Why is it irresponsible? Says who? You need some self esteem classes/books etc as you’re a single mum to a girl who will model herself on you. You can do whatever you want about the pregnancy. Stop believing the bullshit your parents have fed you about having sex or a baby out of wedlock. It means nothing.
You CAN do this. Speak to your partner- see what he thinks. What do you think or feel about the pregnancy? Not what does it will your mum say- you.

christmas1989 Tue 21-Nov-17 22:15:36

My mum was very ashamed and still is 5 years later. She called me a slag, now it's going to be even worse. In my heart I would like to keep the baby, Im scared of having the dad involved in case he thinks I'm not good enough, I'm scared of someone taking my baby away from me, I know that's stupid.

beansbananas Tue 21-Nov-17 22:16:39

Forget about how your family will feel... how do you feel about being a mother again? Seems to me you need to decide if you would like to keep this baby at this stage in your life or not. Once you decide, you can then think about how you will cope with the consequences; be that telling your family about another grandchild, or taking the steps to terminate the pregnancy. Good luck with everything, neither option is going to be easy.

LovingLola Tue 21-Nov-17 22:18:05

Are you living in your own place with your daughter?

LipstickHandbagCoffee Tue 21-Nov-17 22:20:22

I’m sorry you feel judged and woman should be called a slag least not by their own mother
You’re an adult,a mum.your responsibility is to your daughter,and maintain your health & wellbeing
If you need to see your GP regard mood or anxiety, do so asap.
What about mates?the babys father?who will you tell

Imalloutofoptions Tue 21-Nov-17 22:24:08

You're not a slag angry I'm sorry you had to hear that from your own mum. Do you want to have the baby?

BalloonDinosaur Tue 21-Nov-17 22:25:41

From what you’ve said, there is absolutely no grounds for anyone thinking you’re not good enough! You’ve raised your daughter and clearly shown you know what you’re doing, there’s no way I could have done that and I’m older than you (apologies if that sounds patronising, it isn’t meant to)

These things happen, you shouldn’t beat yourself up about it. I would echo what PP have said about talking to your boyfriend, and did what your family might think for now, you’re the important one.

Good luck flowers

Awwlookatmybabyspider Tue 21-Nov-17 22:28:04

You went out 6 years ago got pissed and had sex. Its not the end of the flipping world.
Your mother is highly out of order making you feel like shit. Calling you a slag. (((((((((((()))))))))))

christmas1989 Tue 21-Nov-17 22:33:15

I live on my own with my daughter, we are very happy and my daughter would be over the moon. Because my daughter is so happy and we have such a happy home together Im scared of that changing. I wasn't really wanting a serious relationship with my boyfriend but I'm worried because I think we would be very happy and the baby would be very much loved but Im scared of my boyfriend reaction and if he does want to be involved, what it will be like.

RestingButchFace Tue 21-Nov-17 22:36:02

You are not a teenager. You have already successfully raised a 5 year old all alone. If your family are so horrified by the prospect of another Grandchild to love then it will be their loss not yours if you decide to keep this baby.
As for not knowing the dad very well, I know a fair few couples whose relationship had the same start and it has worked out beautifully. My second daughter was conceived in a very similar situation (11 year gap and a huge shock) my relationship with the father didn't go anywhere but we do paren't with great success. The choice is yours entirely and you do not need to take anyone else's reactions into consideration. Do you depend on your parents for anything like childcare or a roof over your head?

CrypticClues Tue 21-Nov-17 22:38:37

You aren't stupid.
You're living independently with your daughter. Your daughter is happy.
What on earth makes you think you are bad enough parent that anyone would try and take your baby away?!

Shutting out everybody else's reactions for a moment... do you want to keep the baby?

christmas1989 Tue 21-Nov-17 22:39:18

Thankyou so much for everyone's advice. They don't provide any childcare and I live on my own with my daughter

chinam Tue 21-Nov-17 22:40:05

You are not a slag. Your mother should be ashamed of herself for calling you that.

thewisestoldelf Tue 21-Nov-17 22:40:25

Only you know what you want to do.

If you're in a position financially and emotionally to keep the baby then great but if you're not then there are options available to you.

Whatever you choose to do, you're not a slag.

Do what's right for you

Awwlookatmybabyspider Tue 21-Nov-17 22:42:27

They don't provide childcare. You live on your own. Yes it might be easy for me to say, but What are you worrying about

Homemadearmy Tue 21-Nov-17 22:42:58

You're not stupid we've all made mistakes. I think you really need to get support for your self esteem issues. You seem very worried that your boyfriend will take the baby away from you. Is that just because of your insecurities ? Or is that coming from something he had done or said? If you have any doubts about his character don't have his baby. I've read so many threads on here about abuse exs and the way they parent or use the children to control the mother. A baby links him to you forever.
Take time to think things through before you tell anyone.

christmas1989 Tue 21-Nov-17 22:43:20

It's just because my boyfriend has very good education and job and my house isn't anywhere as nice as his and I'm scared he might think I'm not good enough.

saladdays66 Tue 21-Nov-17 22:47:27

He wouldn't be with you if he didn't think you were good enough for him!

Forget worrying about everyone else. What do you want?

QueenThisTime Tue 21-Nov-17 22:48:15

If you want to keep the baby, that's your choice and you can tell your boyfriend that is what you're doing, and try to stay on good terms with him, whatever the outcome and whether or not you stay together.

You don't have to hand over a very young baby to its father for overnight stays - at first you should keep the baby with you, and if he wants that kind of thing (and there is a chance he won't) negotiate it being introduced gradually. He doesn't get to say you're not good enough (clearly you are anyway) - no court would give him your baby, unless you were neglectful or something and you're not.

On the plus side he could be a wonderful partner and dad, and he could have a lovely family who could be a great support. Even then there's no rule that you have to move him in. You can decide how to make this work.

As for your family, well they sound ridiculously outdated and daft. Many women have been and are in your position and do fine. You need to find the balls to stop giving a damn what they think. I know that's hard, but you have nothing to be embarrassed about, so don't let them make you feel you have. Just don't tell them if you don't want to. It's all up to you.

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