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This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

Don't know what to do

(12 Posts)
coffeecoffeemorecoffee Tue 14-Nov-17 07:19:31

Found out two weeks ago that I am pregnant, I already have to children. I'm so so confused one part of me wants to keep it the other part thinks the idea is ridiculous. Me and the dad aren't together, we were together for two years and already have one together, but we've been sleeping together and now this has happened. We had a very up and down relationship I can't see us ever working out so I would be doing this as a single parent from day one. He's made it clear he doesn't want it and says it will ruin both our lives. My youngest is 15 months, I've just started a job doing something I've always wanted to do, about to move into a house that will give both my kids a bedroom each so now all of a sudden the plans and progress I've made have come into question.

I'm so so so confused, on paper I absolutely shouldn't have this baby. But I've always said I'd never have an abortion, I just don't see how I'll cope. My 15 month old is a handful and I find the two I have difficult at times. I do my best as a mum but don't know how I'd cope having a newborn thrown into the mix.

A week ago I booked a termination through bpas, earliest they could get me in is this coming Monday. I booked it with the thought of having the appointment there at the earliest opportunity should I decide to go through with it. The dad has stuck to this like glue and doesn't seem to accept any alternative. Thing is I'll be 7 weeks by then, it's heart will be beating. I think emotionally it'll crush me to terminate and I read so many threads on here of people that have regretted it. I'm sat here this morning thinking ring bpas again and ask for any available appointment in the country that is in the next day or two. But then how do I get up and dressed and ready to then deliberately drive myself to a place where I know I'm going to kill what's inside me. How do I make that journey? It's like an internal battle, my brain says terminate it, you can't do this, it'll tie you to ur ex even more, it'll delay the progress you're making, your life will be hard. The heart says you're a good mum, you'll love it, it'll get easier and won't always be hard. I feel guilty aswell, the two I already have started off as tiny as this baby already is and they had a chance, who am I to terminate it due to my own carelessness. I'd feel guilty. I don't know if I'd cope knowing what I'd done.

If I could detach myself from it the decision would be easy, but it's not. I just don't know what to do.

mumoffour1716154 Tue 14-Nov-17 08:37:43

I wish I knew what to say.

Was in similar position 15 years ago. I had 3 children under 4, working and husband who didn’t want termination, but I did. No question about it. For the past few years I have been thinking about the abortion and can be upsetting. Whatever you decide I think will be correct.

mumoffour1716154 Tue 14-Nov-17 08:38:34

In some way however there isn’t any guilt

hotbutteredcrumpetsandtea Tue 14-Nov-17 08:45:10

Personally I would say that as a mother, I would put what is best for my existing children above my own feelings about it. I'd feel much worse about making their lives harder than I would about anything else.

Shiela2017 Tue 14-Nov-17 08:55:38

No one can answer this for you but remember there is no wrong here. Whatever you decide will be the right thing. Fyi babys heart starts beating around 5 weeks but mentally they are not concious xxx

MaverickSnoopy Tue 14-Nov-17 08:55:49

What I picked up from your post was that you've read on here about all the women who have regretted it. But you didn't mention about all the women on here who haven't regretted it. Perhaps that's because you know you would regret it?

BTW I had one and didn't regret it because it led to the wonderful children and family that I have today. It does make me sad though and it was 10 years ago.

Have you thought about having the counselling offered by bpas?

coffeecoffeemorecoffee Tue 14-Nov-17 09:00:38

I have read that there is counselling but not sure how to access it or if I'd be comfortable doing it over the phone. I absolutely would regret it, I'd feel guilty for the rest of my life but I really feel that it would turn my life upside down but I really don't know how I'd cope. I'm sad that I'm in this position. If I went through with it my ex would support me I think but it's not the same as having someone that lives with you and goes through the grieving process with you. I feel very alone. He says I'm not alone but the reality is that I am.

coffeecoffeemorecoffee Tue 14-Nov-17 09:03:20

What's getting me most is that both my daughters were once just 6 weeks pregnancies too, I almost feel like I'd be being unfair. I let them live, why not this one? End of the day this 6 week old little thing would one day be a child, my child. But because of our own stupidity it doesn't get a chance?

But then like I keep saying, I just don't see how I'd cope. I don't want to be tied to my ex unable to move forward for the next 2 years.

MaverickSnoopy Tue 14-Nov-17 13:50:39

You feel that you're not being fair to this child, but what about your existing children? I'm not saying that in a horrible way. I'm just trying to help you see the other side of your comments.

The fact is you have decided that you want this baby. You have also decided that you can't have this baby. You are in turmoil with yourself which is the hardest place to be. Try phoning the clinic and speaking to them, I'm sure they'll be able to pass on the counselling details. I had some by phone and it wasn't great. I've heard in person is better.

I would (and did) write a list. Could you map out a plan of how you would make it work. Imagine if you had found out at 20 weeks and decided to go ahead. Come up with a plan of how you can make it work and then see how you feel. I know it's not just black and white, it's the emotional side of it too.

You have my thoughts. Have you spoken to anyone else in RL?

coffeecoffeemorecoffee Tue 14-Nov-17 15:35:35

You're right I'm not looking as heavily at he positives to abortion as I am the negatives. I guess I just kind of want this to go away without me having to do anything. I have spoken to my mum but she wants me to get rid of it. My friends are impartial and just say to do what's right for me. If I thought I'd not feel guilty it'd be an easy decision. I just feel so terrible

Topaz89 Tue 14-Nov-17 21:40:37

Hi OP,
I had an abortion nearly 3 weeks ago.
I have 3 children already. And as a family we struggle so so much. Adding another child would have caused my existing children to struggle even more. I am pulled in all different directions already, especially with one of my children having autism. My poor eldest struggles to get my undivided attention and I feel so sorry for him.

But I am in bits about the abortion. It's not a decision I ever wanted to make in my lifetime, ever. I am grieving for the baby I will never get to meet, and it will take me a long time to come to terms with that. I thought the early medical abortion would be easy to handle, but it hasn't been, not one bit. All the reasons I did it still stand, and the circumstances have actually gone worse since the abortion as it now turns out my partner has been unfaithful. Sooo, yeah. Probably wasn't the best time to have a baby anyway.

What I didn't do was get counselling or speak to anyone apart form my partner. Please talk to a counsellor or someone else you trust other than your mum before you make your decison. Because it is BIG decision.

coffeecoffeemorecoffee Tue 14-Nov-17 22:29:19

Hi topaz thanks for sharing. What sort of counselling can I get before making the decision? I don't see how it will help, talking about it isn't making the decision any easier. It's so so hard, today I've gone from waking up and I'm having a baby to this afternoon thinking no I'm not I have to be strong to this evening just wanting to cry thinking about the child it could be. Struggled to get my 15 month old to bed and thought THIS is why I can't do it. How on earth could I spend ages getting her to bed if I had a newborn. I know it's not the right time and I know I shouldn't keep this baby. My conscience and worry is making it very difficult to imagine going through with the abortion. The appointment is fast creeping up on me and I'm scared on the day I still won't have made a decision and I'll end up making it on the spot. And then what. How did u feel taking the tablet? I can't seem to imagine myself taking it without having an emotional breakdown right there in the clinic

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