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My son has got a girl pregnant

(220 Posts)
Starling38 Sun 05-Nov-17 18:49:06

I’m hoping for some advice. My son has got a girl pregnant and we’re devastated.
It’s a long story but I’ll try to brief..
my 25 year old son was in a loving relationship for nine years. He adored the girl and proposed marriage. She accepted, but then a few months later she left him for somebody else.
My son fell apart and had a serious emotional breakdown. We brought him home, looked after him and saw him through. He began to do a lot better and planned himself a new future that includes following his interests at university with the aim of finding a good job at the end.

In the meantime he moved in with his sister (younger by one year) and her housemate as it was closer to his college. He began a casual relationship with the housemate but made it clear he wasn’t looking for a relationship. The girl is now pregnant. She told him she was on the pill (although there’s now some doubt over that) but as I’ve explained to my son, if he didn’t want to be a father he should have used a condom. He acknowledges that and is angry with himself for being so irresponsible.

The girl has told him she knows he doesn’t want this, but she’s keeping it regardless and doesn’t mind if he’s not involved. (Apparently the girl has wanted a baby for a long time despite not being in a loving and commuted relationship.

We’re devastated for everyone concerned, especially the poor unborn child.

These are the issues:
1. My son does not love the girl
2. He does not want to be a father
3. The girl’s life style choices aren’t compatible with bringing a baby into the world. She smokes and drinks heavily and is continuing this through the pregnancy. She is also incapable of keeping a house clean and tidy and lives in messy and unhygienic conditions. My husband and I are devastated as this is not how we wanted our first grandchild to arrive.
4. There are two large dogs in the house. (This terrifies me!)
5. Our son and daughter have always had a very close and mutually supportive relationship, this situation is going to jeopardise that relationship.
6. Our son is saying he will have no contact with her or the child whatsoever. My husband and I don’t know where this leaves us as grandparents.
7. Our daughter is the girl’s best friend AND aunt to the baby. Our daughter is extremely loyal to her friend and we believe she will lose contact with her brother and us if the girl keeps the child.
8. My husband and I are devastated. We wanted better than this for any of our grandchildren and this has the potential to tear our family apart.

We are utterly heartbroken by this situation. Our son has been completely irresponsible and we feel helpless.

We appreciate this is also a difficult situation for the girl, and we know that she’s the one who has the most difficult decisions to make in this matter. We’re just struggling with the fact that our feelings and preferences are to all intents and purposes irrelevant.

I genuinely don’t know what to do. Amy advice will be gratefully received.

Thank you for reading my post.

StealthPolarBear Sun 05-Nov-17 18:52:19

Well on fairness it sounds like there is no decision to make, she is keeping the baby.
So do all you can to support her and build the relationship with your grandchild.

StealthPolarBear Sun 05-Nov-17 18:53:41

And she is not a girl she is a woman. I assumed this would be about 15 year old not two grown adults.
As for her drinking and smoking, her midwife will discuss that with her. Could your dd, who it sounds like will be a big source of support, bring up those issues?

stitchglitched Sun 05-Nov-17 18:56:46

It is entirely her decision. Be supportive to her and hopefully she will allow a relationship with your grandchild if that is what you want. Your son will have a legal obligation to financially support his child and at 25 he is old enough to take responsibility for his actions.

60sname Sun 05-Nov-17 18:58:09

Normally I'm the last to get into the whole woman not girl thing as it is clear from the context but your post does read like it's about two children rather than grown adults. Unfortunately that means your son can / will make his own decisions. Hopefully all will become clearer when the dust has settled a bit.

VioletCharlotte Sun 05-Nov-17 18:59:09

It's up to this WOMAN to decide whether she keeps her baby. No one else.

Is up to you to decide how you react. If it were me, I'd put aside my views on her lifestyle and do what I could do support her and my grandchild.

Steeley113 Sun 05-Nov-17 18:59:25

She's made her decision so I think you should be telling your son to get hold of himself and try and provide a good environment for this child, especially if you feel the mother won't provide that.

MrsPestilence Sun 05-Nov-17 19:02:10

Babies are well known side effects of having sex.

It is time for your son to behave like a man, not run away squealing that he is going to have nothing to do with her or the baby.

Why not speak to your DD and get her to introduce you to your new grandchild's mother. Life does not always happen as we would like. It is up to you to make the most of it.

Quartz2208 Sun 05-Nov-17 19:04:31

You need to tell your son that he needs to step up and its his child

StinkPickle Sun 05-Nov-17 19:05:28

If he’s got a girl pregnant I’m sorry but he’s a disgusting paedophile and the police should be involved.

Chunkymonkey123 Sun 05-Nov-17 19:05:37

I can understand your feelings as this is not how you imagined becoming grandparents and you can take some time to grieve for that loss.
However the most important thing you need to do is to encourage your son to step up and be a father to his child. Yes it was not what he wanted but it is his reality and he needs to start building bridges now with this woman if he is (and you) are to be involved in his child's life.
He might say he wants nothing to do with them now as he is hoping to scare her into getting an abortion but surely you have raised a son who should face up to his responsibilities? The idea that this poor child is going to be fatherless through his choice is awful. The more negative things he says and does now the more damage he will do to everyone involved.
Best of luck, I hope he sees sense soon.

Pattyandbump Sun 05-Nov-17 19:05:40

Your son is an adult and needs to grow up. You also need go stop treating him like a helpless child, heartbroken is a complete over reaction.

twattymctwatterson Sun 05-Nov-17 19:05:53

Your son sounds horrible

Lj8893 Sun 05-Nov-17 19:07:59

I hope your son realised that he will still have to financially support his child even if he doesn't have any emotional involvement.

BoneyBackJefferson Sun 05-Nov-17 19:08:37

The answer to all of the issues listed is

Tough.

harsh but true.

If you want a relationship with the child you will have to build a mature and non judgemental relationship with the woman.

In another moment of brutal honesty, if you let her know how you think of her, she will (quite rightly) stop you from being an influence in her child's life.

StealthPolarBear Sun 05-Nov-17 19:11:28

Stink while I agree with the sentiment it's not helpful

PurpleDaisies Sun 05-Nov-17 19:12:18

We’re just struggling with the fact that our feelings and preferences are to all intents and purposes irrelevant.

You need to get over it, because they are. The only person who gets to make the decision is the woman who is pregnant.

Is there some drip feed coming that she’s actually fourteen?

Dancinggoat Sun 05-Nov-17 19:12:47

I can understand why you are worried.
You feel they both haven’t acted responsibly and are therefore not ready to be parents yet.
You are also in shock from the news and can only think the worst and not clearly.
Despite how you feel is it possible for you to build a relationship with her. Could you be supportive and say you’ll help and support her.
It’s going to be hard but over time you may form a nice relationship with her and have a place in your grandchild’s life regardless of what your son does.
You also need to convince him that he needs to be a father to his child.

ButFirstTea Sun 05-Nov-17 19:12:55

How old is the 'girl' here, I really thought you were talking about two young teenagers from your title??

Shiftymake Sun 05-Nov-17 19:18:23

Your son is probably shocked as you are but in your shoes I would make it very clear to my son that regardless of his reactions this child is a part of the family and as my grandchild, he/she will always be met with a open door. Circumstances are not great but the child is not to be punished for the parents reaction. I hope you don't turn your backs on this child or mother as the responsibility lays in both courts. As for being on the pill, I have fallen pregnant whilst on the pill. It is not 100% safe.

Peachyking000 Sun 05-Nov-17 19:18:53

It’s far from an ideal situation, however I think if you want any kind of meaningful relationship with this grandchild, than you must show your support to this woman, regardless of what your son does.

A good friend of mine’s brother had a baby in similar circumstances, and her parents were judgemental and showed the world how upset they were. Fast forward 15 years, there have been no further grandchildren for them, and they now regret judging the son’s ex and not being more helpful at the time.

LaurieFairyCake Sun 05-Nov-17 19:18:58

Perhaps instead of focusing on the woman who is pregnant and her life choices you could :

1. Tell your son to stop being a Weaselly little fucker and step up to fatherhood

2. Tell him to get a job and support the kid

And then as grandparents separately you can offer the Mum some emotional and financial support if you can afford it. Offer her dinner, kindness. Ask if she would kindly allow you to be involved in any way she wants with the baby even if you’re useless son doesn’t strap on his man pants.

Perhaps start there instead of the criticism about dogs, smoking, and untindiness

FreddieFazzbear Sun 05-Nov-17 19:20:36

I agree with Laurie

MadMags Sun 05-Nov-17 19:22:08

Maybe your poor ickle baby-son shouldn't have dipped his wick if he didn't want even the possibility of a child.

Your list is bullshit. This girl didn't trap your son, which is what you're implying.

Keep going the way you are, and you won't have to worry about the dogs around your grandchild because she'll probably cut you off.

Then your son and daughter can continue their close relationship without any pesky offspring or women silly enough to shag the 25 year old GROWN MAN in question.

smile

Coconutspongexo Sun 05-Nov-17 19:23:04

You’re nice and judgy aren’t you?
Sorry but there’s no point asking for advice, they’re both adults and you have no say.

Also even if your son isn’t happy I’d encourage him to grow up and realise he has a child on the way and he should probably be involved.

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