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This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

I think I want to abort

(12 Posts)
MamaDuckling Sun 05-Nov-17 17:43:50

I've just tonight found out I'm pregnant. I'm 4.5 weeks. Would be DC3. I have a 4 yr old and a nearly 2yo already.

Background - DH and I happily married, financially very comfortable, practically we'd be fine. This just wasn't in our plans. I'm one of three, always thought I'd want 3 myself, but that's before I had 2! I've struggled hugely with the adjustment of becoming a mother and at many times I've been close to depressed (well, definitely depressed).

I don't think I want a third. I am just getting a sense of me and my life back - I literally signed a contract today for a great job that works around my kids school and nursery hours.

I guess I'm looking for positive stories from people who have made a similar choice. My main concern is that I will regret this and feel a huge sadness years from now. I'm a scientist so I do view this as a bunch of cells right now at 4weeks, but I'm worried about the longer term effects.

Has anyone done this and not regretted it? Known it was definitely the right choice? So so many of the posts here are of sadness and regret flowers

Frazzles99 Sun 05-Nov-17 17:50:54

My friend has told me to always do what feels right at that point in time. That way youll always be making the right choice. You can't see into the future so how can you make an informed choice based on 'what ifs' ? Dont beat your self up over making this decision. Do whats right for you, at this point in your life xx

stillvicarinatutu Sun 05-Nov-17 17:57:47

in reality there is little point in canvassing opinion - only you know whats right for you.

i had a different experience in that i got pg in my 40s with a much wanted 3rd baby (the age gap between my first and third would have been 24 years!) but i terminated for medical reasons not through choice as such.
it was absolutely the right thing to do because she was severely disabled but its left its mark for sure. im having counselling now though not just in relation to that decision. sometimes knowing something is right still causes pain even if you are absolutely sure about what you are doing. its complex and id try and talk it through before you go ahead if you have even the tiniest of doubts.

WolfieInTheWoods Sun 05-Nov-17 18:02:37

I've nor had experience of a similar situation.

But I will say, do what's right for you. You're the only person who can make this decisionflowers

WolfieInTheWoods Sun 05-Nov-17 18:02:46

not*

MamaDuckling Sun 05-Nov-17 19:15:50

Just called BPAS. Then had a good old cry

Smarties01 Tue 07-Nov-17 17:31:19

How are you OP?

MamaDuckling Wed 08-Nov-17 07:09:22

I'm okay, but definitely haven't made a final decision. Literally swaying from one option to the other and back again. DH is the same. Head says no no no, heart says yes!

I've booked my consultation withBPAS and the appointment for a surgical at what would be 7.5 weeks. I'm not in the UK so the logistics of having it done are a bit of a drama too. I'm hopeful that the next week or two, once the shock wears off, will give me a bit of clarity.

Dsmummy Wed 08-Nov-17 08:18:15

This is hard, I feel for you. I can’t give advice without sounding like I have an opinion and I do t want to do that because it’s your life, your family and your choice.
I just wish you well and hope you find your answer and feel happy whatever you decide

AKAmyself Sun 12-Nov-17 21:28:19

I was in your situation. Always thought I wanted 3, then got unexpectedly pg at 40 and freaked out. I realised I liked the idea of 3 (like you I have two siblings) but that I couldn’t picture another and it would have meant a huge disruption to my children’s life and also to my relationship with dh. It was a horrible period while I was trying to decide what to do, dh would have gone along with the pg but I knew he was terrified of having another child. Finally it all boiled down to a single moment of clarity: I would rather regret having an abortion than regret having had a child.

In the end I started miscarrying the day before I went for my medical abortion. They were kind enough to scan me and told me there was no heartbeat, which I always fel was one of the most compassionate things anyone ever did for me. Nonetheless my mind was made - I would have gone through with the abortion.

3 years later I still sometimes feel sad and melancholy but I know deep in my heart things went as they had to go. I am at peace with it all. I do yes sometimes feel regret, but to be honest there are many things in my life I mourn and regret a lot more (like the fact that I let my relationship with my brother deteriorate past the point of mending, to give you an example).

Every situation is different my dear. No one can make the choice for you. But someone on here told me “remember there is no right or wrong choice. You will make a choice, based on your circumstances, and it’ll be the only choice you could have possibly made in those circumstances”.

Be kind to yourself. Whatever you decide to do will be fine. Make sure you lean into any support you have.

BrandNewHouse Sun 12-Nov-17 21:36:19

Once my family was complete there was no way I’d ever have more.

Since getting back to work, which perfectly suits school, career etc.. under no circumstances would I not have terminated.

My guess is you will feel only relief.

AKAmyself Mon 13-Nov-17 11:13:22

Have been thinking of you OP. Wanted to add that I had counselling at the time to help me decide and to help me process the aftermath. It was invaluable so really encourage you to seek this extra support.

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