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This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

Pregnant a few weeks into a relationship and struggling a lot

(30 Posts)
SJC89 Fri 03-Nov-17 17:16:03

Hi all,

I think I’ve probably read every post on this topic, but I could really use someone to talk to who isn’t biased.

In short, I’ve been with my (I think now ex) boyfriend for 7 whole weeks today. I’m 28 and he’s 30. And I found out on Monday I was 4 weeks + 4 pregnant. Feel a bit daft saying it was a shock as I had unprotected sex, but I was being naive & thinking it would be ok just a couple of times before I got the docs appt to go back on the pill. OH and I never had any conversations about contraception. Again, stupid I know.

So I tried to tell him as delicately as I could on Monday by arranging to see him this week so I could tell him F2F but he was being difficult so in the end I called him up and just blurted it out. He was really sweet and kept telling me it wasn’t my fault, but that his gut instinct was that he isn’t ready to have a child. I’d just felt sick all day about telling him, and hadn’t really thought about what I wanted.

I went to the docs the next day to confirm I was pregnant and what my options were - ironically, I had to repurpose an appointment I had already booked to get the pill! He came round that night and his whole demeanour had changed. He was cold and asked me how the docs was. I explained what happened and said the doctor didn’t want to give me a letter for the termination as she didn’t think I was completely sure and she wanted to make sure I was doing what was best for me (she did give me the number for BPAS and wasn’t judgemental in any way - although she was pregnant which was tough). I think hearing that made him mad as he said rather abruptly (about 10 mins after being at mine) that if I chose not to have an abortion then he didn’t want anything to do with me or the baby. I didn’t expect him to propose to me or anything, but it genuinely shocked me to my core hearing those words. I told him how selfish he was being and cried a lot. I had planned to tell him that whilst I wasn’t sure what I wanted (I don’t want a baby with someone I’ve known for 7 weeks, but equally I am pretty sure I cannot face a termination), I was going to reassure him that whatever I did choose that I would have no expectations of him and that I didn’t want him to feel cornered. However I didn’t even get a chance to tell him that & frankly I was thrown by how callous he was.

So now it’s 3.5 days since I found out and I’ve made an appointment at BPAS for a consultation next week. I have cried about 362926 times. I would be the best mother, I just know it. However, whilst I’m not in the worst financial situation, I don’t think I could support a baby (especially as i’d be alone and likely have to drop down to part-time hours when I return to work). I also own a one bed flat so I’d need to move which would make money even tighter. OH (or perhaps ex-OH ... haven’t heard from him for 2 days) has a well-paid job but I’d feel awful going after him for money after being together for 7 weeks and having his baby against his wishes. I don’t have any family in a London who could help out, and I’m petrified of being a single struggling mum sad

Lastly the thought of terminating this pregnancy honestly kills me. I’ve read so many posts and articles about what to expect and I’ve already given the clinic the heads up that if I were to proceed then I’d need a surgical under GE as I know I couldn’t emotionally cope with the medical.

I am so scared of making the wrong decision. I am so scared of raising a child alone. I am so scared of being lonely and seeking into depression (been there a couple of times previously, but I’ve come out stronger).

Please can someone tell me if they’ve been there and come out the other end? I genuinely want to hear your stories about terminating and not terminating, what you regretted, what you didn’t, did your OH react this way at first and then step up?

Thanks in advance sad

flutterby12 Fri 03-Nov-17 17:30:49

I didn't want to read and run. I've never been through this but i know I'd struggle too. Take your time and really think it through, which I bet you're doing anyway. Can you speak to your family? Your ex sounds like a bastard. I think BPAS have councillors - could you book a session with them before you fully decide? So sorry you're going through this flowers

SJC89 Fri 03-Nov-17 18:08:38

Thanks Flutterby12. I don’t really want to talk to my family but I have spoken to a great couple of friends. The problem is that they can’t relate. They are speaking hypothetically, and if I were to do that then of course I would say not to terminate the pregnancy. But when you’re in the situation, it’s so different. I can’t actually believe I’m looking for advice on terminations - whilst I 100% believe we should all choose whether it is right for us or not, I never thought I’d even consider it. I just can’t imagine bringing a baby up alone in my current situation. Right now it feels so impossible to see a light at the end of this tunnel sad

TheFifthKey Fri 03-Nov-17 18:19:12

Well, if it were just you and a child you’d be able to live in a one bed flat for ages, so don’t worry about that. Also, he had unprotected sex with you knowing full well you could get pregnant so going after him for money would just be the result of that. He’s a grown man and knew the risks.

TheFifthKey Fri 03-Nov-17 18:20:00

As a single parent you’d get money towards childcare etc as well, so you wouldn’t just be managing on your wages. I’m not saying it would be easy but it’s not necessarily as hard as you think.

abbey44 Fri 03-Nov-17 18:25:33

Didn't want to read and run either. I'm so sorry for the position you find yourself in. I've been in similar, and have sent you a message. flowers

AndNoneForGretchenWieners Fri 03-Nov-17 18:33:14

I got pregnant unexpectedly a few weeks into a relationship, after a contraceptive failure. I had had an abortion before when I was with an abusive partner who threatened to kill me if I didn't terminate, so I really didn't want to have another termination because the first one was so hard to deal with.

I told my boyfriend I was pregnant, fully expecting him to be horrified and unwilling to consider keeping the baby. We have now been married for 16 years and our DS is 17. He was surprised, but ultimately was thrilled at the idea of more children - he was a single dad who had brought his son's up solo for years, so I knew he would be a great dad to DS.

It sounds like your boyfriend isn't in a similar headspace though, which makes it really tough.

SJC89 Fri 03-Nov-17 18:48:04

Abbey44, I’m new to this so I hope you got my reply. So appreciative of your words.

SJC89 Fri 03-Nov-17 18:57:54

Thanks TheFifthKey. I have looked into what I could do to make him pay. I feel that the lack of support I’ve received from him means he’s probably burying his head in the sand, and in 8 months a letter from the CMA would certainly bring it home. However, my pride would want me to try my utmost to do it alone if he really didn’t have enough of a conscious to support his child (emotionally or financially). I know you can’t really let pride get in the way in these situations though ...

It honestly pains me so much thinking about future questions around parentage etc too (From the child, not others - I don’t care about that!). I feel like the situation is already so chaotic, and I feel guilty bringing a child into this.

SJC89 Fri 03-Nov-17 19:08:38

AndNoneForGretchenWieners, it made me smile (maybe the first time today!) that your story worked out well after you going through so much. I’m still holding out for a semi-change of heart and a real adult conversation with the (ex?)OH, rather than an ultimatum, so we can decide together. I know I want a baby eventually, and I know the timing is never right so my heart wants me to go through with this now regardless of the short time we’ve known each other. As I’ve read plenty of people say on other posts, you could be with someone for 7 years and they leave when you get pregnant / have a child so timing really doesn’t matter. He’s already proving himself unreliable though and I would hate that for any of my children. I had such a terrible upbringing with an abusive and drunk father so I always promised myself I wouldn’t bring a child into an unstable situation - gutted this has happened sad

There’s always hope though, as you show (whether it’s this situation for me or another) smile

bluejelly Fri 03-Nov-17 19:24:18

Oh poor you. I also had an unexpected pregnancy in an unreliable and unstable relationship. We struggled on for a few years (I lived in a 1 bed flat, he barely contributed any cash and little time) and we broke up when my dd was 3.
It was hard at first but dd is 18 now and an absolute joy. I’ve been with a lovely new dp for 10 years and life is good. So I know everything feels awful at the moment but whatever happens you will get through this and find out the other side happier and stronger. I promise.

SJC89 Fri 03-Nov-17 23:49:15

Thanks bluejelly smile really good to hear it all worked out in the end. Wish I could fast forward a few years and have this over and done with.

I heard from the ex (pretty much confirmed now) this evening. His exact words were “I’m here to support you for anything clinic related”. Not really supporting me at all then...

ScarryMommy Sun 05-Nov-17 03:17:49

I'm so sorry to hear of your story. I'm genuinely sorry for anyone who has to make this decision. But it just makes it THAT much harder when you have to do it on your own. A supportive partner would tell you that they are here to support you, no matter what. This guy, has turned out to be an asshole.
That being said, I think you could make it work on your own, if you really want a child. Or if you don't, it is tough to heal emotionally from an abortion, but it all works out too.
I think the biggest thing is to figure out what YOU really want. And then to go for it.
If you do have the termination, just please, let it be because you want to have it, and not because you feel guilted into it. The grief you feel after an abortion, can be very hard to move on from. If you know you are doing it for the right reasons, it will help you to accept it and heal.
Hugs to you. This will be one of toughest decisions you make (either way). But you will be stronger, once again.

AdalindSchade Sun 05-Nov-17 03:29:26

That's a tough position to be in. In your circumstances I'd terminate. Raising a child with no physical or financial help when you don't have family nearby - far too daunting. Unless you have a helpful relative you can go and live with for the foreseeable I wouldn't do it. That's just what I would do though I'm not saying you should do the same.

DueNov Sun 05-Nov-17 04:13:52

Hi didn't want to read and run. I got pregnant with my current partner after rbejng together 7 months. Longer I know but still not that long

We couldn't decide what to do and I cried a lot because I thought me and him wanted a termination but I didn't think I could go through with it.

We went to an early scan to see how far along I was. There was a heart beat and his face lit up..

We both got back in the car after being handed termination leaflets and told to go think about it we turned to each Other and said we can't terminate.

Prior to this though my partner did turn a bit cold and was saying termination was probably for the best.

I'd let him cool off. It sounds like you want this baby. You can do this alone so without him but I'd give him the optooknof being st the scan.. it may change his whole perception. My partner was scared and so was I! I was on the pill and hadn't missed one at all or had sickness.

I'm due my baby girl this month. Good luck xx

Jugoo28 Sun 05-Nov-17 04:32:08

Don't want to read and run. I've both had a termination and had a baby. We had only been together a short time and thought the termination was the best thing to do but both of us really struggled afterwards. Ironically that is probably what bought us closer together, we stayed together and now have a child and looking back, we could have coped.

Only you know your situation but it could be shock and he may come around. Take him with you to the appointments to talk about your options and to the scan. Make sure you talk to each other about everything.

Lastly do what you want to do. Don't have a termination if it isn't what you want as it's hard enough if it is what you want.

My only recommendation is that if you do go through with the termination is get them to turn off the screen you can see when they do the scan.

slothface Sun 05-Nov-17 05:27:07

Please don't be scared by all the people saying termination is really hard even if you want one - I've had one and never had any regret or negative emotions about it. Never gave it a second thought once it was done, however I was sure it was what I wanted, and it sounds like you're not. Don't let him pressure you into it, it's got to be your choice. I have no kids so can't comment on being a single mum but could you sit down and go through your finances and work out all the practicalities if you were to keep the baby? The fact you own your own property already puts you in a decent starting position, and you'd have every right to chase him for child support. As others have said, he knew the risks of not using contraception. Just try and forget about him for a minute as hard as that is, and make the best decision for you

lottieandmia22 Sun 05-Nov-17 05:43:31

If you don’t want a termination then don’t have one. He’s not a child - he’s 30 years old and if he knew he didn’t want to be a father then he should have insisted on wearing a condom.

You sound like you want this baby and if so just cut him out of the equation and make the decision by yourself. He will still be responsible to pay child support. It’s your body and you are the one who faces the consequences of either having a baby or having a termination and he has no right to issue ultimatums.

AnnaT45 Sun 05-Nov-17 06:01:16

Oh OP, I really feel for you. Don’t feel bad, these things happen all the time.

I think you both need time for this to sink in. I even without being together for a short time an unexpected pregnancy can endure fear in anyone. I speak from experience! I know he’s being an arse but I think that would be most people’s reaction in this situation.

Ultimately you need to decide what you want to do. Raising a baby alone with very little support will be very tough though. You will need help. Is it possible you could move back with family whilst you’re on mat leave maybe? I would think about those aspects to help make a decision. Sending you a hug

niceupthedance Sun 05-Nov-17 06:46:32

I've been where you are except I was 36. I had the baby, I also said I wouldn't ask the father for maintenance as I wanted him to have a relationship with my child and thought that he would be too angry at being asked to pay to be involved. In retrospect I wish I had gone for the money instead of father's piss poor attempts at being a dad.

I had no support at all for a year until I had to give everything up (own business, had to sell flat etc) and move in round the corner from my mum for two years. It was very very hard. Unbelievably hard. I've had a termination too, at 25 and that was easy in comparison to bringing up a baby with no support.

But... having a child has changed my life in more ways than I thought possible. I went to university and now have a new career, I've also met someone who is a wonderful step parent to my DC. So in our case a happy ending. However, in your position I'd go for a termination - you have plenty if time to meet someone who will want to bring up a family with you. Good luck.

SleepFreeZone Sun 05-Nov-17 07:17:43

What an absolute dicksplat. 'He's here to support you with anything clinic related?' Omg how did you resist telling him to go fuck himself?

Op it's obvious you want the baby. Have the baby. You will manage and he will have to keep out. The quicker he knows the only clinic related help you might need is at scan appointments the better.

SleepFreeZone Sun 05-Nov-17 07:18:20

* help out

Sundance2741 Sun 05-Nov-17 07:33:16

A long time ago I found I was pregnant unexpectedly. It was much later on in the pregnancy and nearing the time limit for a termination, so I didn't have that long to decide. I had also been with my boyfriend much longer. He was totally supportive of any decision I'd make but also, though I liked him, I didn't see a future with him, and the pregnancy clarified my thoughts about that. I was also just starting in my first proper job and excited to get on with my new life.

It completely knocked me for 6. I didn't want to terminate at all but having a child just wasn't part of the plan back then and I know I wouldn't have stayed with my partner. (I think he would have taken an interest in the child but I would have found that hard I think).

Anyway I had the termination. It was traumatic but I felt I deserved that for making the choice. Boyfriend and I split a few months later amicably. It was the right decision but I must admit it haunted me for years, especially when I got married and couldn't conceive.

I suppose I did regret the decision sometimes in the years that followed on an emotional level, but I do know it was the right decision to have made. (It was a pill failure by the way which is why I didn't realise I was pregnant for ages - I didn't have periods but my doctor said that was normal for the pill I took.)

lottieandmia22 Sun 05-Nov-17 08:12:56

Sundance - you didn’t deserve to feel traumatised! sad

misscheery Sun 05-Nov-17 08:49:44

I didn’t want to read and run so if I’m here I will tell you what I’d do.

Obviously the guy is an asshole and he’s not even worth the calories I burn writing about him.

You sound like a sensible young woman. You OWN a flat (for you and a baby that’s more than enough), and as it sounds you also have a decent job with decent pay. I don’t know much about it but I assume that being a single mother would also get you some support.

I wouldn’t get an abortion. A baby is a blessing as it is, doesn’t matter how you put it.

You didn’t tell us if you have family or any other sort of emotional support. Anyhow; please think carefully. You seem strong!

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