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How do you get over an abortion which you didn’t want?

(18 Posts)
manderleydreams Mon 30-Oct-17 20:32:13

I have a 5 year old child and have always wanted another, but my husband didn’t and so it was not an option for me. He has always said ‘in the future we will’ but this never materialised. Until I fell pregnant whilst we were using the ‘pull out method’.

I know this method is by no means fail safe, but I wanted a baby so I was never going to suggest using more protection. As far as I was concerned, if by some miracle I managed to fall pregnant this way then that was a blessing to me. I knew it wouldn’t be welcome news to him but I also didn’t think that he would have reacted how he did. We are financially secure enough for another child, both have good jobs, good family support and both adore the child we have.

I’m going to be honest and say that I know when I ovulate, I can literally feel it happen. And so I timed sex for those days. Maybe that is a form of trickery and I should take responsibility for that.

But this was not a man who had said he never wanted another child. He had repeatedly told me for 2 years that we would try for a baby in the next month or so and I began to realise that he was stringing me along.

Apart from this issue our marriage was happy and stable so I didn’t feel like I was bringing a baby into a bad situation. He is a great father and I thought that no harm would be done after the initial shock.

So when I fell pregnant in May I was scared to tell him at first. I knew he would be very unhappy, but I honestly thought that although it would be hard he would come round.

However, when I did finally tell him it was horrendous. He accused me of tricking him. Said that he could never forgive me if I had the baby. He would not accept the baby and whilst he would still see our daughter he would not acknowledge the other child. He begged me not to have a child that he could never feel attached to.

I was four weeks pregnant and this went on every day for two weeks until I had a termination at 6 weeks.

To this day I do not know how I managed to go through with that termination.
I wanted the baby so so much and cherished the night times when I lay in bed with the baby inside me, even when I knew that it was not going to progress more than 6 weeks.

I would never have believed that I could abort something that I wanted so much. All I can think is that hormones and fear put me on some kind of auto pilot.
I remember taking those first two tablets and it was like an out of body experience. Every part of my body didn’t want to lift those tablets to my mouth and I had to will my brain to make the movements.

My husband suddenly turned supportive then. Looked after me. Wanted to concentrate on our little family. Told me everything would be ok.

But it’s not. I’m obsessed with thoughts of my baby. How pregnant I would be. How developed the baby would be. I’m overcome with guilt and want to tell my baby how sorry I am. How stupid I was. And how loved my baby was.
I was it’s mother and I should’ve been stronger. I should have fought harder and been more independent. I simply cannot believe what I have done.

And I hate my husband. For my daughters sake I am keeping my family together. I’ve thought so many times about leaving but that would only punish my daughter. It wouldn’t get my baby back, only cause my little girl stress that she doesn’t deserve.

But how on earth can I get over this?
I know I will never forgive my husband no matter how I manage to portray our marriage. When he’s near me all I can think of is how much I hate him. But we’ve argued over this for so long now that I’ve just decided to keep the peace. If I’m not going to leave him then there is no point being at war. It was physically and mentally draining and I don’t want it to effect my daughter.

I know this is such a long post. I just wondered if anyone had any advice. If anyone has had an abortion which they regret so badly. How does it get better? How can I stop this pain (which I feel is deserve anyway) from making me cry every day?

Poshindevon Tue 31-Oct-17 01:33:58

This is not all your husbands doing the old phrase it takes two to tango applies very well.your husband should have had more sense and use better protection if he did not want a child.
You knew your husband did want another child yet both of you used unreliable birth control. With you "tricking" him which you own up to.
You were not happy to wait you had to have a child but were not prepared for the fallout when you did find yourself to be pregnant.
You say you hate your husband but no one forced you to take those pills
You say you really wanted the child you could have kept your child, you say you have a good job and family support, but you wanted it all husband home etc
So you made the decision to abort your child.
I know people will moan saying I am unfeeling but in this life we need to live with our decisions and take ownership. Not spend the rest of our days crying with regret.

TashaRomanoff Tue 31-Oct-17 02:59:25

I agree with PoshInDevon you're husband and you should have used better contraception knowing full well that a baby was going to cause friction. Also you shouldn't have tricked your husband it was wrong of you.

I hope you find a way to get over your grief, you can only take this one day at a time, however if you feel you will resent your husband it's best to get out now because you will never get over it. However don't just blame your DH, you also have yourself to blame OP.

ScarryMommy Thu 02-Nov-17 03:07:03

WOW. Tough crowd. OP I totally feel for you. Those who have not been through it, can't imagine how hard a decision it is. It is NEVER made lightly. I can only imagine how much harder it is when you really wanted the baby. Obviously, there were things that could have been done differently. But you already know that, so there's no use reprimanding you for them, because you're already beating yourself up over this.
I don't think any women can truly "trap" a man with pregnancy. They should be just as responsible as we are expected to be. I'm truly sorry for the lack of support during a time when you were excited. The only thing I can suggest is maybe couples therapy? Sounds like you two have a lot to talk about. And I would hate for this to eat away at you.

FrustratedTeddyLamp Thu 02-Nov-17 04:03:58

* *I don't think any women can truly "trap" a man with pregnancy. They should be just as responsible as we are expected to be.

Of course they can, what if a couple decide their agreed on contraception is a version of the pill and the woman doesn’t take it, or get an implant, coil etc when they say they have. You could say the man should still wear a condom but I think that’s somewhat immaterial to a point. There’s a difference between accidental pregnancy through contraceptive failure and pregnancy through lying about taking or messing with contraceptive methods ( for example poking holes in condoms by men also) .

beechie12 Thu 02-Nov-17 04:35:07

Oh dear manderley you poor thing. I hope you start to feel better soon. Try and look after yourself for a while and do things you enjoy.

SashaFiercesMummyFromHell Thu 02-Nov-17 04:44:28

Hi. My heart goes out to you Manderley.

I'm awake at this very hour, cherishing spending quiet time with my unborn 4 week old.

I already have one son- my husband said after there were complications with him, he wants no more. He's adamant.

Sitting here stroking my baby, protecting him/her and I know that I'm going to have to make the biggest decision of my life- with no support. It would almost certainly cost me my marriage and family.

Really hurting so much right now...just to let you know that you're not alone flowers.

TheDowagerCuntess Thu 02-Nov-17 04:50:10

My goodness, Manderley. You poor thing.

You can only get over this, if you want to get over it. Do you?

I mean, would you consider counselling to try to put this in the past?

If I were you, I would find this intolerable, and I'd know in my heart of hearts that I couldn't ever trust - let alone love - my partner properly ever again. And I say this as someone whose had an abortion and felt nothing but utter, utter relief.

Yes, you went along with it. But for completely the wrong reasons.

Have a think about whether you think you actually want to put this in the past, and forget about it.

CoolGirlsNeverGetAngry Thu 02-Nov-17 04:53:53

flowers

Movablefeast Thu 02-Nov-17 04:57:13

It is a tragic situation when an already conceived child is vehemently rejected by a parent. You say it was her choice to abort but she was also under unrelenting pressure to abort - it is difficult to maintain or know your own mind in that situation.

OP did you talk to anyone else before you made this decision? Any neutral person?

manderleydreams Thu 02-Nov-17 10:33:37

Thank you everyone for your thoughts on this.

I knew that I would get some negative feedback when I explained how I had timed sex for when I was ovulating. Believe me, nobody could hate them self more than I do for that. But I don’t feel as though I ‘trapped’ him in the sense of how some women do. Lying about contraception etc is not something I would do.

My husband has been telling me for 2 years that we will try for another baby. He then comes up with reasons (not serious ones) why we have to wait a bit longer. We were having unprotected sex (his choice too) and he was obviously relying on the pull out method working.

He tells me he definitely wanted a second child, we are financially and emotionally in a good place for another child and are very good parents to the child we already have. So shoot me if I hoped that an accident would happen. I never in a million years expected that it would end in an abortion. The pain of what I have done and the regret is something that is affecting me in a way that I didn’t think possible before I had the abortion.

I look back on those weeks when I was pregnant and it’s like a blur, like that person wasn’t me. I ask myself how could I have been talked into getting rid of a baby that I was already in love with. I wanted to protect that baby and love it in the way that I love my daughter.

I think maybe I didn’t get across how strongly my husband reacted to the pregnancy and how I begged and pleaded for it not to end in abortion. He made me believe that the baby would have an awful life because he didn’t want it. And I guess the final straw was when I thought that my daughters life would also be effected. And I love her so much that her happiness far outweighs my own.

Looking back now I wish that I had stayed strong. I made the decision in order to protect the family that I have. But I think that is ruined anyway.

I don’t believe my husband when even now he says that he hopes to have a baby in 2018. I just don’t know what is going on and I’m so tired trying to work it out.

My feelings towards him have changed. Genuinely I feel as though I can never love him in the same way again.

I’ve thought a lot about leaving. Looked into the finances of it. Imagined how it would work.

But I don’t know if I can do that to my little girl. She has a lovely life and loves me and her father. I don’t think I can uproot her and change her life forever just because I made a mistake.
I’ve ruined one child’s life which I hate myself for. I can’t do it to another.

I’ve thought about counselling. But I’m not sure that is for me. I’m more of a ‘deal with it in private’ person. I’m hoping that time will make it easier, although it doesn’t seem the case at the moment. My baby would have been due on Feb 4th and I think Christmas this year is going to be hell for me.

DoubleRamsey Thu 02-Nov-17 10:38:54

I think you will eventually split up from your husband anyway. Don't damage your daughter by drawing it out.

Alanna1 Thu 02-Nov-17 10:47:03

I’d see if you can get some counselling.

ZepellinBend Thu 02-Nov-17 10:54:07

Without getting into the ins and outs of it I would suggest counselling too otherwise it may well haunt you for years and destroy your relationship in the process. It's a very difficult situation to get over but you can learn to live with it in the end flowers

rollingonariver Thu 02-Nov-17 11:42:25

How horrible op.
I couldn’t stay with a man who forced me to make this decision. In fact when I told my partner I was pregnant I prepared to leave him because I thought he wouldn’t be supportive. I think it’s disgusting to make a woman feel like she’s killed a baby, and you very clearly did see them as a baby.
The only thing I can say is that you haven’t done anything wrong. You were making the best choice for you and your family. He’s been stringing you along and then emotionally blackmailed you into having an abortion. It’s horrible.
Yes you 100% did wrong by timing sex with ovulation but he made you believe he wanted another baby and if it happened he’d be happy. Honestly, leave him. He doesn’t care about you if he can do this.

Movablefeast Thu 02-Nov-17 19:14:43

OP I would really encourage you to get counselling because this is a very traumatic event for you. It can be very hard to process trauma and without processing it you cannot truly come out the other side.

specialsubject Sat 04-Nov-17 15:49:33

What a sad story.

It's done. And so is the marriage - no trust on either side. You want another baby. He doesn't. Don't bring your kid up in this marriage, it will damage her.

I hope the woman on the other thread also not using real contraception reads this . if indeed it is a different person...

SJC89 Sat 04-Nov-17 16:54:34

My heart goes out to you OP. I’m going through a tough time making the “should I or shouldn’t I?” decision right now (I don’t know how I’ll cope with a baby or a termination), and I thought I had pressure but it’s nothing on this scale.

I’d also suggest counselling. I’ve done it before (non-pregnancy related reason) & thought I’d hate it but after the second session I could feel that weight coming off my shoulders and the black clouds dissipating. You should give it a go, if you can.

I think the best thing in your daughter’s life is you, and you should trust yourself to make the right decision for the both of you. My parent’s relationship ending was the best thing that could have happened for me, and I’m a better person for it. Only you can know what is right for you & your daughter though.

flowers

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