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This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

How am I going to get through this?

(25 Posts)
Topaz89 Mon 09-Oct-17 16:25:51

I did a test last week and it came up positive. I'm about 6 weeks. I just cried and cried when I found out because I don't want any more children. I have 3 already, and there is just no room for any more. I think being pregnant would affect me not only physically but mentally as well. Not to mention when the baby is born. My relationship with my partner is not great and I feel like having another baby with him would make things so much worse than thy already are. I am booked in for a telephone call with Marie Stopes tomorrow afternoon and from that I am booking myself in for a medical termination. I haven't told my partner.

BUT, my heart and my conscience are in knots. I feel like I am killing my baby. And that the other 3 were allowed to live but this one isn't. Their little sibling. I can't get those thoughts out of my head and I'm scared of regretting it.

Sorry I just needed to get that out.

ScarryMommy Thu 12-Oct-17 07:13:14

I also cried upon seeing a positive pregnancy test, and ultimately terminated the pregnancy 2 weeks later. Most days I was just sad at the decision I had to make (and felt stupid I was even in this position) but was still 75% sure I did not want another baby, mostly because we are already struggling financially. The 25% that thought we could maybe make it work work would think about baby names, and think about my kids becoming siblings. I learned at the appointment, that having those mixed emotions is very normal. That most people don't just feel "relief" or "regret", but often a mixture of both things. I had the procedure on a friday and felt like a horrible mother for a few days. There were ALOT of tears, some feelings of regret. It was rough. However, when Monday came, and my life went back to being hectic, I was reminded of every reason that I decided to have it in the first place. It's been a month, I can say that while I still think about it, I don't feel a deep sadness about it, as I know it's what was best. I do feel a bit of a "what if things had been different", but have to remind myself that they are not different, and that this is my reality, and that I can only make decisions based on what's in front of me. And the same goes for you. We're only human. We have to make decisions based on our circumstances. If you feel that an abortion is what you want, just know that it's not always easy, but not always hard either. And that like with most things, your grief just needs a little time to heal. Hugs to you. Hope you can find peace with whatever decision you make

misslost Thu 12-Oct-17 21:52:54

Thank for sharing ur story SM I was much the same.

MaryPoppinsPenguins Thu 12-Oct-17 21:57:01

I haven't been there myself.. but I have a close friend who has and what you're feeling is normal. I think the best thing to work out if the sadness is premature as you're resigned to your decision, or sadness because you don't want to do it.

Be kind to yourself, you know what's best for you flowers

Topaz89 Fri 13-Oct-17 15:29:31

Thankyou so much for your messages. It really is helpful to know there is someone who knows and understands what it's like.

Well I didn't get a call the other day. I thought it must be a sign but I rearranged the appointment and had a call from them this afternoon. I cried as soon as the call ended sad

I still don't know what to do. I know it will be hard being pregnant with 3, and it will be even harder if I have 4. But then I can't bring myself to do it. Either way I need to decide sooner rather than later.

This is absolutely the most difficult decision I have ever had to make. Never thought it would ever happen to me.

ScarryMommy Fri 13-Oct-17 17:21:48

I know how hard it is, and I'm really sorry you have to make this decision. It really SUCKS! Being in my 30s, I just never imagined myself with an accidental pregnancy...I know how babies are made by now! And while I was always pro choice, I had definitely said out loud before that it was something "I could never do".
I found there were really 3 things I considered when making the decision 1) Could I support this baby? Financially, physically, emotionally. 2) Even if I could support the baby, do I really want to start all over again? (I babysat a friends 11 month old baby to see if I would get baby fever...or just remind why I was trying to prevent pregnancy in the first place) 3) Can I live with my decision.
The last one is what keeps you up at night, because that's where the unknown lies. Nobody WANTS to have an abortion. And you just have no way of knowing how you're going to feel afterward. I spent hours searching the internet to see how others felt afterward. I can only say that after only a month, while I do have moments of wishing things could've been different, I can live with myself and I feel I can live with my decisions, if that makes sense. I don't know that I'll ever say I feel "good" about it. I don't really feel sad about it anymore either though, I just feel resolved. Obviously everyone will feel and process emotions differently, and you may feel differently than I did.
Whatever you decide just remember that YOUR feelings are important too. As women, I feel like we're taught that our children's wants/needs are more important than ours. We're even taught that unborn lives are more valuable than our own. And that we should feel guilty for wanting things other than to be a mother. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being a mom ( I have a 5 & 7 year old), but it's not all I want to be.

I hope this helps, I'm not trying to hijack your post. But when I was agonizing over this same decision, I just really wish I had had someone to talk to who had been through it. I don't know anyone in my personal life that has gone through this. Although statistically, that's probably not true, but nobody talks about it. Please feel free to reach out if have any questions at all.

capercaillie Fri 13-Oct-17 17:27:41

I never thought it would happen to me. I had a termination a year ago - no regrets and I've got to the point that I don't often think about it. I have had a few what ifs during he year but they are also less frequent. I already had 2 children but was sure I didn't want more. I didn't think I could physically cope with another labour or the exhaustion of the early years.

misslost Mon 16-Oct-17 07:33:31

Everything you posted SM was the same as me, also have two children, abit younger than yours & in my 30s, my second was unplanned, I cried for weeks with him, of course I love him to pieces now, but a 3rd unplanned pregnancy? I went into a massive massive panic, my labours were both very hard, and I think I have developed a fear, all I could think about was the birth, I begged for a c section with my second but was refused, induced for 3 days like my first, my first was a large baby, I a size 8 my baby was over 9lbs, tore badly, I

misslost Mon 16-Oct-17 07:50:12

No help at home, I have no parents, I just had a massive panic at the thought of struggling again, I didnt want to struggle, I didnt see myself coping very well, I felt like I cant do this again, how I use I just could have passed my fate onto someone who wanted to be pg, why is life like this? I didnt want to do what I did, but I didnt want to do all the pg again, the early years are so hard, im not happy with myself, im not proud of what I did, I do feel that I would not have coped well, I was affraid something bad would happen during my pg, all just a massive panic. I cant talk to anyone, I do get sad, I do feel like a bad person, but who would have helped me? Evetyone is quick to judge but where is the help? I would not have been able to work with 3, my emotions are still mixed but life goes on, its done and their is no changing time, if only life was easy, us humans have to complicate everything.

LongWavyHair Tue 17-Oct-17 09:43:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Topaz89 Thu 19-Oct-17 20:45:21

I'm booked in on Tuesday for a medical abortion. I'm so scared sad. Scared of it only partially working and I get an infection.
Has anyone taken the first tablet and then gone back 72 hours later for the second one? If so did it work? 72 hours seems like an awfully long time between them.

roastandyorkies Fri 20-Oct-17 08:05:04

Hi - sorry you have found yourself in this situation. Please try not to worry about getting an infection. They will give you antibiotics as well to help prevent this and detailed instructions of what to look for if an infection was to occur.

With regards to taking the tablets 72 hours apart, I believe this way has a slightly higher success rate. I took mine together and it didn't work. Had I known this, I would have opted to take them separately. Not that it would definitely have worked then but slightly higher chance hence why I expect this is your clinics preferred option.

Hope all goes as well as it can for you xx

Topaz89 Fri 20-Oct-17 09:13:50

Thank you roast. I'm very nervous! It will be half term when I go to the clinic so I've had to find childcare. If I don't get it done by next week though I will be over the limit which I believe is 9 weeks. After that I would have to have the suction treatment done and that sounds horriblesad.
What happened next for you when the tablets didn't work?

roastandyorkies Fri 20-Oct-17 10:58:44

I had to have the surgical (suction) treatment which was indeed horrible. I know others on here had far better experiences of it though and my situation wasn't helped by my frame of mind and the fact I didn't actually want to have an abortion. It's unlikely it will fail for you though I think the success rate is around 98% x

ScarryMommy Fri 20-Oct-17 14:33:39

For what its worth, I opted to have the suction. I honestly didn't want to see anything come out while I was at home, and I wanted to know it was done for sure. It was very painless (I didn't have any sedation), not anywhere even close to childbirth pain, and it only took 5-10 minutes. I was only about 6 weeks along, so that could've helped too. Either way, Im sure if you follow their instructions, everything will go just fine. I wouldn't worry about the pills or the procedure, both carry way less risks to your body than childbirth. Emotions are going to be high either way you go. Try not to be too nervous about the appointment, it will all be ok.

misslost Fri 20-Oct-17 19:07:49

I had the 72h pill. Everyone is different, it didnt work 100% for me, I will say the length of time to wait.for the second pill is not nice, the best advice I would say is to keep a close eye on your body, and dont bath, use tampons, or have sex until you feel your 100% ok. I was incomplete for 6weeks after, but luckly I did not get an infection, I think this was due to the above, and taking all the pills they give you. I had the pill again which worked the second time, and try not to be on your own, its best to havr support and help if you need it.

Topaz89 Fri 20-Oct-17 21:19:28

Oh god sad I hope it works. I'm really am scared.
Can you opt to be sedated if you have the suction procedure?
My dp knows I'm pregnant- I told him last Friday. It's just us two who know. He is being fully supportive and I wish he could be there with me at the appointments but unfortunately he has to work.

ScarryMommy Fri 20-Oct-17 21:42:03

You can opt to be sedated, but then you need a driver to take you home. I didn't want to have dh take off work, since I already was. Honestly tho, I didn't need it. It was very much like a Pap smear...and I've had paps that hurt more than the termination did. I guess I'm not sure what you've heard about them, but for me it was very easy. To the point where I almost wished it had hurt because it just felt like it shouldn't be that easy? I can't speak to the pills, but when researching before going in, hasn't heard any horror stories there either. Since you've had 3 kids...I have no doubt you can handle this. It's like bad period cramping...doesn't even come close to what labor is like.

Topaz89 Mon 23-Oct-17 12:48:08

Thank you all for your reassuring words. These past couple of weeks have been really really difficult.
This time tomorrow I will have had my first appointment.

ScarryMommy Tue 24-Oct-17 05:42:44

Wondering if you went through with it and how you are doing?

Topaz89 Tue 24-Oct-17 11:32:18

I've done it 😢 Heartbreaking but ultimately the right decision. I'm going back on Friday for my second lot of tablets.

roastandyorkies Tue 24-Oct-17 19:32:58

Hope you are ok. The waiting is the worst part. Knowing it's done but not yet over xx

Topaz89 Sat 28-Oct-17 05:05:12

Hi everyone. I'm struggling to sleep tonight. Struggling with the feelings of guilt. During the day it's a little easier as I'm busy, but at night it's really difficult. I am just trying to rationalise my decision...
I couldn't have another baby. I have 3 children who are very little so very demanding (one of them being Autistic), we live in a 2 bed house and can't afford to move, dp is being made redundant after Christmas, our relationship isn't great and I think having another baby would have affected my mental health.
Still, I feel terrible about what I have done. I can only hope that in time these feelings will get easier to cope with.

Wallywobbles Sat 28-Oct-17 06:12:02

I think you’ve made a brave decision. I’d find it impossibly hard to make too, but know that I couldn’t cope with the baby years again. Just keep occupied and distract yourself. Accept that that there is no right or wrong it’s just the best choice in unfortunate circumstances.

Topaz89 Sat 28-Oct-17 06:33:33

During the day I feel almost fine as if nothing has happened, because I'm so distracted by everything going on. My children keep me occupied and happy.
It's night time that I struggle with. Once the kids have gone to bed and I'm sat on the couch/lay in bed, I think about it and feel terrible.

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