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This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

Should I have an abortion?

(16 Posts)
Rnurst Wed 27-Sep-17 02:42:03

I had an abortion at the age of 16. I knew I wasn't ready for a child and at that time in my life that was the best decision for me. I swore I would never have another. Today I am 29 and am currently 6weeks pregnant by a man I found I don't even know. We dated for 5 months and broke up because I ended up finding out he was living another life. He gave me an alias name, told me he was single, never been married but did desire a big family. He also led me to believe he is college educated and holds a masters degree in engineering. He met my family and they all loved him. He went so far as to tell his family I have him the alias as a nickname so they never questioned me calling him by something different. Upon finding it his REAL name, I also found out he's legally married with two children. I also found out he does not have any degree whatsoever and can barely afford the children he has now. I'm so torn about what to do. I don't want to be with him. After the lies and the manipulation... I can't trust him. I have no idea if he's getting a divorce because clearly I can't believe anything he tells me. If I had known he was married to begin with I would have never had a relationship with him. He really put me in a horrible position. This was never how I envisioned beginning my family. I really just want to have an abortion and move on with my life without him. But I'm stuck between the guilt of having a second abortion knowing I promised myself years ago I would never do it again. My mom is begging me to have the child. As she really wants grandchildren from me and she keeps reminding me that I'm not getting any younger. I'm so upset with the events that have happened. I feel so foolish for not picking up on the signs that he is a manipulator. Please help me with any thoughts you may have.

LondonLassInTheCountry Wed 27-Sep-17 02:44:59

I dont think you need this man to bring up a child.

Leavingonajet Wed 27-Sep-17 02:53:52

You can't trust the bloke or rely on him, it may be that you have little or no further contact with him with or without a DC. Never mind him or your dm, do you want the pregnancy to continue? I would suggest some neutral counselling to talk through the issues for you.

Rnurst Wed 27-Sep-17 03:25:12

Honestly, I want children. Under the right circumstances yes I would definitely want this pregnancy to continue. But after the lies I feel like Ive been a victim of rape. I was under the impression he was someone else when we were together. That's the person I would have wanted children with... Not the person he actually is.

Cantseethewoods Wed 27-Sep-17 03:44:02

Best case scenario: you have the baby as a single parent and never hear from this guy again. Worst case: you're linked to a compulsive liar weirdo forever because he decides he does want to be involved with limitations on your freedom as a result. The trouble is there's no real way of knowing which way it'll go.

Also, your mum doesn't get a vote.

TheDowagerCuntess Wed 27-Sep-17 06:32:02

I know exactly what I would do in your shoes - no hesitation, no looking back.

However, after my abortion I made no such promises not to have another one, so I can understand why you're beating yourself about this.

I will say - this is your life, and your decision. There are no rules - you can do what you want to do.

Have a think about whether you're OK with cantseethewoods' worst case scenario.

specialsubject Sun 01-Oct-17 13:55:50

Nothing to do with your mum, those pressuring for grandchildren need to get a life.

You have been a victim of a calculated deception, not your fault. Previous events also irrelevant.

Do you want a baby as a single parent, and can you practically and financially do it? Otherwise, consider abortion. I wish you the best.

TiramisuQueenoftheFaeries Sun 01-Oct-17 15:09:43

What if you let yourself off the hook for what you decided at 16, when you couldn't possibly foresee the situation you're in now? What would you want then?

Also, you're 29, not 40. You do have time to have children in another scenario if you choose not to go ahead now. Your mum isn't the one who will live with the consequences if the worst-case scenario of having this lying bastard in your life for good plays out.

It's your choice and you who will live with it either way. Good luck.

QueenBeex Sun 01-Oct-17 15:13:44

You literally said " I really just want to have an abortion and move on with my life without him " so I think that answers what you're asking

Babycakes96 Sun 01-Oct-17 17:34:02

How overwhelming! I guess everyone has their own story.
Take this from me, I guess there's never an ideal situation for falling pregnant and giving birth, each to their own tales. I guess with you here would be, look at how you would be able to deal with bringing a baby into a world, would you be able to do it? Would you be able to answer questions about the biological father if the child ask when he or she grows up?
The simple answer would be this: get an abortion if you feel that is what you want to do. You're not limited with having babies in the future, but you can and you most certainly will❤️ Think about yourself.
Having an abortion may not be ideal and is emotional, but you do come stronger even if you don't think it now.
I've just had my second termination and I'm only 21!

Orangebird69 Sun 01-Oct-17 17:42:20

Ignore your mum. That's rotten, emotional blackmail. You're 29. I didn't even meet my dh until I was 33. Didn't get together til I was 35... I'm 42 now, celebrating 5 years of marriage in a few months and we have a fab 2 yo ds. If you want this baby then keep it. If you don't, terminate. There's no shame in it, you have plenty of time in the future for wanted children when it suits you flowers

You were 16 when you promised yourself you would never have another abortion - you had no idea of the kind of curveballs life could throw at you flowers

I'm hugely looking forward to grandchildren btw - but good grief I would have no right whatsoever to coerce anyone into providing them for me. Your mother is bang out of order. angry

Rnurst Tue 10-Oct-17 04:26:07

I made an appointment to have an abortion but I couldn't bring myself to go to the appointment. Today he told me his wife recently had a son and a DNA test confirmed it is his. He and get a getting back together and he doesn't want her involved in this. I don't want his child. I wish I would just miscarry. My conscious won't let me go through with the abortion.

ITCouldBeWorse Tue 10-Oct-17 06:06:06

He really is a low life and deceived you horribly. You don't want to be pregnant and you don't need to be. Do you have a friend who would go with you for support?

Btw you terminated a pregnancy half a lifetime ago. You have not been reckless or selfish. Please don't feel you need to be judged or punished.

AJPTaylor Tue 10-Oct-17 06:13:43

you were a child of 16 when you made that promise to yourself. you have years to find the right person. you have written twice that you know what you want to do.

RaindropsAndSparkles Tue 10-Oct-17 06:22:44

In your shoes unhesitatingly. I'd be worried the child would inherit his traits.

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