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This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

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This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

Pregnancy choices

I'm 10 weeks and haven't done anything :(

26 replies

justdontknow1 · 13/07/2017 20:06

As the title says I'm now 10 weeks pregnant and still don't know what to do :(

DP is not the father to my eldest DC and currently works away 95% of the time so hardly seeing him ATM.

I just don't know if I can go through with another baby. It's so hard when I'm by myself. And my exdp, who is my dc's father, will be devastated about this. He's never given up hope of us reconciling and I'm honestly terrified he's going to react terribly.

DP wants to keep the baby but says I can do what I want. I don't know and I don't know how I'll ever make a decision.

I feel scared that if I keep the baby I'm passed the right time for a booking in appointment and the midwife will report me for not seeking appropriate antenatal care.

I also feel like if I decide to have an abortion I'll be waiting weeks for an appointment. I'm scared of the complications of a surgical procedure and I know a medical procedure is agony.

I feel like I'm losing my mind

OP posts:

Report

kshaw · 13/07/2017 20:08

I didn't find out I was pregnant until 10 weeks and no one reported me. I can't help you with your decision but I just wanted to put your mind at rest regarding that point. I had all my appointments within 3 weeks. Also, my friend has recently had an abortion and it took 2 weeks to get the appointment (in the north east) - hope this helps

justdontknow1 · 13/07/2017 20:09

Just to add I had an appointment with BPAS to speak to a counsellor but it was useless, they spoke to me for about 20 mins, took my medical history and said "it sounds like you're unsure" and that was it.

I spend half my time trying to organise a termination and the other half trying to book a private scan so I can see the baby. WTF is wrong with me

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justdontknow1 · 13/07/2017 20:10

Thank you kshaw that is reassuring

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justdontknow1 · 13/07/2017 20:28

Can anyone help? There must be someone who has been through the same?

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Tippitoesandbuttonnose · 13/07/2017 20:37

I think it comes down to you. I don't think you should make the decision based on exdp's feelings. It sounds like you might want the baby but his feelings are what you are worried about. Do what feels right to you.

BlueIsYou · 13/07/2017 20:52

I think it'd be worth keeping in mind that you'll be 12+ weeks gestation when you finally get the termination OP

justdontknow1 · 13/07/2017 21:57

I've heard so many horror stories about surgical terminations. Are they safe?

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eyestotheskies · 14/07/2017 14:21

Yes they are safe. But you sound so torn, I would request counselling from bpas, they should have an impartial counsellor available. Could help you get your thoughts straight.

eyestotheskies · 14/07/2017 14:22

Also, with my current pregnancy I didn't book until past 13 weeks, no one batted an eyelid.

justdontknow1 · 14/07/2017 18:27

Eyes I am so torn

I did go to BPAS for a pregnancy choices consultation and was told it would last between 45 mins to 2 hours. It lasted 25 minutes and all they did was take a medical background. When I tried to talk about everything they just kinda stared back at me. It was really unhelpful.

I have provisionally booked an appointment for termination for 26th July. I just hate this and feel so, completely alone.

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tribpot · 14/07/2017 18:36

What adjustments, if any, is DP offering to make to his life so you can share the responsibility of caring for a child? (My guess is none, which is why he's making it entirely your decision instead of trying to support you in it - would he be this useless as a parent as well?)

Your ex-dp's feelings really don't figure in this, do you feel he's a danger to you and your dc?

What do you want to do? You are basically at looking at the choices to have another child to raise on your own, or have an abortion on your own. Have you confided in friends and family? You really need not to be alone with this decision.

justdontknow1 · 14/07/2017 18:43

DP is changing jobs in a couple of months so he will be working locally and home a lot more. He won't get drawn into discussions about ATM because he's "too busy" which I expect is code for pissed off that my exdp is affecting my decision. I suppose that's fair enough on his part.

I am afraid that exdp will harm himself or withdraw all support in regards to dc which I'm pretty much reliant on ATM. Plus I still care for him and I just know this will hurt him and I feel awful about that

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juneau · 14/07/2017 18:48

You're saying an awful lot about your DP and exP and very little about you.

Do YOU want to have a baby right now? That's the only question you really need to be asking yourself. Take everyone else out of the equation and just concentrate on that one thing.

ijustwannadance · 14/07/2017 18:56

I'm not surprised your DP is pissed off that you are considering ex's feelings. Seems like even you thought you'd end up back with ex at some point.
Only you can decide if a baby and future with current DP is what you want or not.

justdontknow1 · 14/07/2017 19:01

If it was just me, I would probably keep the baby. But telling my exdp seems like completely insurmountable

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hiimmumma · 14/07/2017 19:03

I had a termination at 12 weeks. I only just found I was pregnant and I had the appointment the day after calling and the procedure was 3 days after that.
So it won't be too far a long and you shouldn't have to wait for weeks.
It wasn't painful of anything just a bit of cramps after.
Can't help make your decision but don't want to you feel you have to keep it because it's too late.

I feel for you, such a hard situation.

justdontknow1 · 14/07/2017 19:43

Thank you mumma, that is reassuring to hear too

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eyestotheskies · 15/07/2017 08:28

Hi op.. I am so sorry you're in this position. I think that the consultation you had was more relating to the medical side /consent of things, all abortion providers have trained counselling. I'd call them again and ask.

If your gut feeling is you would keep the baby then i wouldn't go through with the termination at the moment. Everyone is different but I had a termination under family pressure as a teenager, I think at the time I felt that if I went through with it the stress and pressure I was under would be over even though I didn't want to, but how I felt afterwards for a very long time and still do now tbh I wouldn't wish on anyone.

justdontknow1 · 15/07/2017 15:05

Thanks eyes.

I also had a termination at 18 and despite it really messing me up for a while I look back on it with absolute certainty that I did the right thing. Physically though, it was agony and I dread going through it again.

Been rehearsing the conversation with exdp in my head all day and no closer to knowing what to say

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Dede124 · 31/07/2017 17:38

Hi @justdontknow1 how's things??

justdontknow1 · 31/07/2017 17:51

Hi Dede, I only just told my ex today as it happens. He says he is happy for me but I feel more depressed than ever. I was meant to have a booking appointment with the midwife tomorrow but have cancelled.

My DP is furious that I have told ex without 'consulting' him. I'm not sure what he means because we've been talking about how worried I am about telling him for weeks. He isn't going to speak to me until tomorrow now.

I'm just so unhappy.

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outnumbered4 · 31/07/2017 19:04

My situation is a bit different to yours (5th baby) but I felt exactly the same as you. I went through all the appointments (including the scan which I even asked to watch) for a termination and didn't seek any antenatal care until 11 weeks. I felt so torn neither option felt 'right' and I felt guilty for considering not going ahead and guilty for thinking about having the baby for so many reasons.

Eventually I found myself in a position where I just hadn't made any decision at all but was having my 12 week scan and seeing the midwife sort of like I was on autopilot.

It sounds silly but I started to feel like maybe the fact everything was going well with the pregnancy was fate. I'm 30 weeks now and if I'm honest I still feel like I'm on autopilot.

No one can tell you what the best decision for you is, i just wanted you to know you're not on your own feeling the way you do sorry no helpful advice

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justdontknow1 · 31/07/2017 19:29

The earliest I'll be able to be seen for a termination now is 16 weeks. I just don't know how I'm going to go on at the moment. I feel completely overwhelmed with unhappiness.

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justdontknow1 · 31/07/2017 19:30

Outnumbered I hope the next 10 weeks are kind to you and when you have your baby that you feel ok. I'll be thinking of you

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outnumbered4 · 31/07/2017 21:14

Thank you. Keep talking, I'm here to listen and try to reach out to people around you as well for support. I found it hard to be honest about how I felt with most people but a couple of close friends I opened up to and it did help to just be able to just say how I felt out loud.

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