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This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

ambivalent

(15 Posts)
Featherweather Sun 14-May-17 11:53:05

Hi girls/mums

I am 42 and got pregnant at first try. Boyfriend is 49 and we have been dating for 7 months. We have been talking about babies before and back then I thought I wanted a child, but when I found out I told him in a weepy voice. I did one more Sainsbury`s test, that was positive, too, and did 2 more at the doctor`s, positive, too, and I missed my period, too. When the test showed negative first, I was relieved, when they turned positive I felt aggravated.

I love babies, the smaller the better. I love toddlers, too.

My only problem is I would have wanted to spend more commitment free time with boyfriend and not become a mum so fast.

Boyfriend wants the baby very much and I think he would be a good father. We don`t have a lot of money.
My own relationship with my mum wasn`t ideal, she had abortions which I judged and I used to say I would never have one, and now it is in the back of my mind.
I am afraid I will be a mum like mine was and I also feel that it is too early in the relationship, even if it may be my last chance biologically.

I told my boyfriend how I felt, he keeps reassuring me that he would help a lot and not leave me alone with the baby, he wants it.

If I decide not to keep it, I might lose boyfriend, I think, if I go ahead with it, I might do what I`ve always done all my life, consider others first, not what I want. I may be in a situation that I did not want and have to carry it on for at least 20 years.

I also never thought I would want a termination. I don`t even kill spiders.

I should feel happy, I think the ideal situation is to feel happy when someone is growing inside you. When I wake up, I always feel as if wake up to a reality that I am not happy with.
I feel so selfish. I feel I am not able to concentrate on somebody else for the rest of my life. This boyfriend is my first ever nice boyfriend, previously I had only short and impossible relationships.

I do have lighter moments when I can actually imagine having a baby and even being happy about it, and thinking termination is OUT OF THE QUESTION. Then, starting in the afternoons, the "no" side creeps up and culminates in calling BF telling him how I feel.

I wrote to an analyst I know but he hasn`t come back to me yet.

Thanks for listening.

Beijingyouth Thu 25-May-17 20:24:42

I hope you are well. I've seen in another post that you're still looking for answers... I read your post a while ago and didn't know what to say...

Hmmm. It's really difficult to advise you to be honest because terminating a planned pregnancy doesn't sit right with me... no matter what... and it also must be much more difficult to come to terms with if you're going to end the pregnancy.

I think being with your partner only 7 months and wanting more time alone with him is not a good reason to have an abortion to be honest, but then you're ambivalent and not happy about the pregnancy...so that is a reason not to have a baby.

In your early forties I'd regard this as your last shot... and also I couldn't have an abortion and then start trying in a few months because you're regretting it. But this is a very personal feeling and I know some people do that.

I'm not sure if my advice is better than radio silence because I can't help. Sending hugs. It's a tough time.

Beijingyouth Thu 25-May-17 20:27:26

Basically you need to find out if you want children in your life and if you could love them and look after them well. If the answer is yes then I'd do it now.

If you don't want any children ever then I'd have the termination and move on to the next phase in your life.

Look after yourself and I hope you find the right decision for you.

Beijingyouth Thu 25-May-17 20:34:04

And finally, I just reread your post again...and you sound like you don't want the pregnancy and have things you need to sort out in your mind and aren't ready for a child...and that is a very good reason for a termination. I think you need to look for real life advice too...

Remember, this is a very difficult time, but once you're through this you're going to be better and life will be good again.

Featherweather Thu 25-May-17 22:14:40

thank you. You are right, it is a tough time.

Featherweather Thu 25-May-17 22:17:49

I talked to my analyst.He is spiritual, like me. That makes it more difficult. Talked to Bpas, too. And I read about post abortion depression, too, so that scares me. Wish I had been wiser before.

Dede124 Thu 25-May-17 23:09:58

@Featherweather Pregnancy is a tough and emotional rollercoaster trust me... my pregnancy was kind of planned and I still have doubts all the time I think it's normal as it's a huge deal I know that feeling of when you wake up and it hits you and it's horrible not knowing how your going to feel one day to the next. Don't let your hormones sway your decision. Go with your initial instinct before you got pregnant flowers

Featherweather Wed 31-May-17 22:28:02

Hello.
I have come back to finish the story. I opted for termination with bpas. I made sure I do it early, so the embryo is still small and doesn`t look much of a human. (
Bpas were great, they are very busy, it seems abortion is something that happens very often.
I have to say I feel relieved, I am still in the process after taking the pills, it hasn`t been very painful for me so far. I think I passed the pregnancy the morning after I took the first pill. When that happened, I felt a little pain in my soul, as it felt as a mini version of giving birth. I parted from my own flesh and blood.
Before that, I talked many times to the little embryo in me and I said sorry many times. (I don`t know how that sounds)
But to tell the truth, I feel relieved and I feel better than I have ever felt since I found out I conceived.
I feel guilty because I interfered in the process of creation. And I hope whatever is responsible for assigning babies to parents will forgive me. I also feel guilty for feeling relieved, I don`t know if that will change and I will feel sorry later, that is for the future to tell.

Thank you for listening. I wish all those who are in a difficult process of making their decision to make one that they do not regret. Maybe it is too early for me to say how I feel. Thank you for all your support.

Featherweather Wed 31-May-17 22:31:01

(It was 5 weeks and 4 days)

Beijingyouth Wed 31-May-17 23:24:23

Please don't feel guilty. It's ok to feel relieved. It wasn't meant to be. And 5 weeks 4 days is very early. Good for you you made sure you had the termination so early. Take good care of yourself. Sending love.

Featherweather Thu 01-Jun-17 12:45:56

Thank you dear Beijingyouth.

After the relief came the grieving. I felt sadness for losing somebody.

misslost Wed 23-Aug-17 06:08:46

I had a medical terminatipn a few eeeks ago, I have been feeling so tearful and sad, im sending higs to you, its a very hard choice to make and since then have regrets. I have no support, which was the main reason for my choice, I have two young children with my.partner, but on my sons birthday he told me he would never marry me, I was so affraid to be having another child but at the same tionly ones on the planet who love me. sad

Featherweather Wed 23-Aug-17 21:14:04

dear misslost, I am sorry to hear that.
You know, I think I have made the right decision, but I think about the little soul nearly every day and I keep telling it I am sorry.

I hope you will get consolation. Big hugs for you too.
I think we are lucky to live in this country where we can have a choice about this decision.

If you are still sad, there are phone numbers online, where you can get help, counselling, just to talk it out of yourself.

I don`t know what else I could say. I am sorry you were in a situation where you felt forced to make your decision.

Hugs

You will be alright

misslost Thu 24-Aug-17 08:08:22

No one forced me to do what I did, but I felt I would not have been able to cope with 3 little ones, I am on my own with them most of the time, my only break is my part time job. No family close to me, I feel awful because there are so many women who do cope.....i spoke to a friend before hand and she just agreed that it would be too much for me, I guess I was in panic mode due to the unplanned factor, and I eas very

misslost Thu 24-Aug-17 09:30:40

Sorry, I can only use my phone and it plays up. Your words have given me comfort, I did phone the helplines, but somehow I just want to talk to other women who have shared this experience. Its heavy on the soul. I hope I will get better, I know I will never be the same again. sad

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