I am 42 and got pregnant at first try. Boyfriend is 49 and we have been dating for 7 months. We have been talking about babies before and back then I thought I wanted a child, but when I found out I told him in a weepy voice. I did one more Sainsbury`s test, that was positive, too, and did 2 more at the doctor`s, positive, too, and I missed my period, too. When the test showed negative first, I was relieved, when they turned positive I felt aggravated.
I love babies, the smaller the better. I love toddlers, too.
My only problem is I would have wanted to spend more commitment free time with boyfriend and not become a mum so fast.
Boyfriend wants the baby very much and I think he would be a good father. We don`t have a lot of money. My own relationship with my mum wasn`t ideal, she had abortions which I judged and I used to say I would never have one, and now it is in the back of my mind. I am afraid I will be a mum like mine was and I also feel that it is too early in the relationship, even if it may be my last chance biologically.
I told my boyfriend how I felt, he keeps reassuring me that he would help a lot and not leave me alone with the baby, he wants it.
If I decide not to keep it, I might lose boyfriend, I think, if I go ahead with it, I might do what I`ve always done all my life, consider others first, not what I want. I may be in a situation that I did not want and have to carry it on for at least 20 years.
I also never thought I would want a termination. I don`t even kill spiders.
I should feel happy, I think the ideal situation is to feel happy when someone is growing inside you. When I wake up, I always feel as if wake up to a reality that I am not happy with. I feel so selfish. I feel I am not able to concentrate on somebody else for the rest of my life. This boyfriend is my first ever nice boyfriend, previously I had only short and impossible relationships.
I do have lighter moments when I can actually imagine having a baby and even being happy about it, and thinking termination is OUT OF THE QUESTION. Then, starting in the afternoons, the "no" side creeps up and culminates in calling BF telling him how I feel.
I wrote to an analyst I know but he hasn`t come back to me yet.