Dad doesn't want to know

[Feelingalone198]

Morning all

Looking for some advice here please.

Last year I had an affair with a married man for nearly a year. We were both married, with children and we both left our marriages. (I know this was an awful thing to do, one I am ashamed of and shouldn't have let happen) we have since been together for 6 months after the affair but the MM finished our relationship 6 weeks ago due to his family dis-owning him and telling him he won't be part of the family if he were to carry on being with me. It was causing so much grief to us both that he decided to end us.

Since then he has been coming round a couple of times a week (mainly for sex)

I've just found out I'm 4 weeks pregnant.

Last night I told him and he automatically told me I had to 'get rid' of the baby, that he would never be part of its life, that it's only the size of a pea and not even living yet so I need to have an abortion now before it's too late and ruins his life forever.

I told him I wouldn't be doing that, the thought of having an abortion wrecks me, I could never ever go through with it.

I asked why I should have the abortion and he said his family will never speak to him again and it will have too much of an impact of his other 2 children's lives (who he keeps saying are the most important people to him)

He said if I keep it I will have to pretend I've had a one night stand and never ever contact him again.

I'm now going to be bringing this baby up alone I think.


Thanks for listening.

[Gallavich]

You must have pretty low self esteem to have been seeing this man for sex when he won't stand up publicly to be with you!

I'm sorry you're in a shit situation. Personally if you are sure you want to keep the baby I would absolutely pursue him for child support and make it completely public knowledge that he's the father. Cowardly shit.

[HerOtherHalf]

He doesn't get to dictate terms. The child has a right to financial support from his father and also has a right to know who his father is. You also have the right to decide whether to terminate or proceed with the pregnancy, just make sure your decision is for the right reasons.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Well, he doesn't get to tell you what to do, Feeling, it's your body - and your baby.

For your own self-esteem, stop having sex with him. That activity should no longer be an option for him. He's told you exactly where you stand in his life - and that is precisely nowhere. He's probably been trying to get back to his former life since before he called time on your relationship. That is the back-bite of having had an affair, any relationship you then legitimately start with your affair partner is tainted and essentially ruined.

You do not have to keep him out of it as far as naming him as the father of your baby. If he would have been so concerned about his two other children he would have taken steps to prevent a pregnancy with you. He didn't care enough to do that.

I can tell that you're reeling and sad at the outcome, you thought that you had a genuine relationship now and it's clear that his thoughts were elsewhere. That happens in non-affair relationships too, it's just that the odds are higher when a relationship is blighted with an affair 'stamp'. His family are calling the tune and he's dancing to it. Leave him be, you are nothing to him now - and you need to make him nothing to you as well. I know that will be difficult.

I agree completely with Gallovich, he is a cowardly shit. You don't need him in your life, nor your baby's. Count on not having him around and make your own preparations for your baby. I hope your pregnancy goes well and that you have support around you from other people (not him).

[Feelingalone198]

Thank you for your replies

I will definitely no longer be having sex with him, when I said mainly for sex I meant that from his perspective. We still text everyday, when he came round he stayed a couple of hours... he just said it all had to be in secret..

Thank you lyingwitch I think you have just summed up everything perfectly.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Please stop any form of contact with him. Cold indifference is what you need to be aiming for now because he's taking advantage of your ongoing feelings for him - and he doesn't have them for you. He's treating you like a dirty secret now and that's not on.

He wants nothing to do with your baby so there's nothing left to text about. Tell him that the CSA will be in touch in due course. He hasn't got away with this scot free and nor should he.

I'm telling you this kindly but please, make your life a bit better going forwards by cutting this louse out of it. No more texting, no more secrets. He isn't in your life anyway because he chose not to be. He's told you that, listen to what he's said and done; the actions backed up the words.

Please tell him to stop texting and then ignore his texts from then on. You have more important things to think about than propping him up whilst he recovers his family life. Because that IS what he's doing.

[ImBreakingBad]

He is a cowardice cunt. Do you have any RL support OP? Do not be forced into making a decision that could potentially destroy you.

I also second PP, take him for child support and let everything be known. His family are not your worry.

for you.

[Feelingalone198]

Thank you, I am going to try and take your advice at lyingwitch.

We live in such a small town and we both know a lot of people due to our careers. I am 30 years old and only ever been in 2 relationships (a 10 year one with my xDH) and now this arsehole so I really don't think people are going to believe his one night stand story anyway. Neither should I have to do that and make myself out to be that kind of person.

breakingbad I have not told a sole yet. I
Literally only just found out myself a few days ago.

He is calling me selfish for being a baby into the world when not in a relationship.
Is that selfish?

[Alfieisnoisy]

No it's not selfish. He is the selfish one and he doesn't get to call the shots. Tell him it's your body and you make the decisions about it...not him, if you choose to continue with the pregnancy then your baby will be loved and wanted by you. Nothing selfish about that.

He is running scared...he has utterly messed up and he knows it. Now he's frantically trying to back peddle to protect his own selfish needs.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Everything he says to you, Feeling, you could just as easily say back to him. You're selfish? Well, what does that make him?

I really, really would not be allowing him into my home anymore and wouldn't be facilitating anymore of these character assassinations. As you say, you live in a small town, it's your home and you can hold your head up high. He was in a relationship with you as much as you were with him.

However he's trying to rewrite this, you do not have to play along. Look out for you and your baby now - and count on real life support and company. Leave him to stew in his own juice now and don't look back. I promise you that you'll feel better later on if you can do that now. No more contact.

[Penfold007]

OP how are your existing children going to cope with a new half sibling? That, for me, would have a huge impact on deciding if continuing with the pregnancy.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

What an utterly ridiculous question in this day and age.

How does ANY child cope with the introduction of a sibling? Regardless of whether there's a mum/dad, mum/mum or whatever set-up.

Judgement cloaked in faux-concern is still judgement. OP has already said that abortion is not an option for her. Read the OP at least, Penfold.

[MummyZoe86]

Hi guys

Back again!

So a lot has happened in the last 4 weeks since I last wrote this post.

The father finally decided to meet me for a chat and take responsibility for what part he has had to play in this pregnancy.
2 weeks ago, we decided that we would try and make a go of things and try again in our relationship and that he would be a father to this baby. Things have been going quite well, or so I thought.

This weekend he told his ex-wife I was pregnant, now we are back to square one. He has avoided my calls, my text, my emails etc. and I have now received this email:

I am sorry for everything that has happened and how I have treated you, but it’s finally time to be 100% honest with you. I do not love or want to be with you. There will never be a you and me together whether you keep the baby or not and you have to know that. Our affair has ruined my family’s life, and I will never forgive myself for that.

I do not want this baby and I want you to understand that. I do not think this baby or any baby should be brought into this world under these circumstances. I can only hope that you can see that too. I would like proof that this baby is real and indeed mine.

I want no further contact from you.

Charming hey - So now I am just devastated once again, I need to move on and face facts that I will be bringing up this baby alone.

I hope you are all well..... x

[Morgan2017]

Mummyzoe86
How are things going? I was a bit resistant in replying because i know my views may differ from manys. Please dont think for a sec im meaning this in a negative manner to u.
Theres no denying he treated u shitty and that what happened shouldnt have as uve already admitted, it was never going to work or become a fairytale as unfortunately affairs happen and almost always end in disaster. As for the baby, nobody can tell u what to do, not him or anyone else. That decision is upto u but should be made completely on the basis of being able to provide support and cope on ur own. U have a choice in whether or not u can face the reality of another child, he doesnt have this choice.( another topic for another day) Yes it takes two but ultimately the life long responsibility is something only u can get out of should u want to ofcourse. Coming to terms with this realisation made me see things differently when it came to my own decisions being made. The fact i was in so much control over a mans life yet he had no say what so ever made me really question alot of things.
Im assuming u have made peace with the situation now i just wish u well and hope whatever u do is the best choice for ur and ur family.

[MummyZoe86]

Hello,

Thanks for taking time out to reply.

I have since my last post told my close friends and family who have all said they will stand by me. This has made me feel a lot better in the situation.

I am going to keep the baby as I said from day one, abortion wasn't an option for me.
I am capable of providing the baby with a home, support and a happy life. I'm not denying it will be hard but I can do it.

I know he doesn't have a say as such over this but he has made it clear he will not be having anything to do with his child. I have accepted this and I have not contacted him since the day he sent me that email.

I have heard that him and his wife are now working on their marriage, I guess this is another reason not to have anything to do with the child but again, il accept that decision and move on.

Thank you.