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This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

Happily married and we were TTC but I want an abortion

(81 Posts)
theclick Tue 25-Apr-17 15:55:29

I posted about this when first finding out I was pregnant but even though DH and I were TTC (for one month), I got pregnant straight away and now, at 13 weeks, I still want an abortion.

I thought it would take at least 6 months to get pregnant at my age (33), and I feel like I'm going ahead with this to make everyone else happy - my parents, his mum. He wants the baby.

I don't think I'm really ready for the responsibility of a baby, even though I'm going along with the flow and today Even visited a local nursery.

I feel like no one is asking me how I feel and what I want to do. If it wasn't for them I would have had the abortion when I found out at 5 weeks.

I don't know what to do.

xStefx Tue 25-Apr-17 15:58:34

You sound scared, its normal for a woman to be scared... I was petrified when I found out I was pregnant up until I had my daughter.

Why don't you go and speak to your doctor? You may be depressed
hope your ok OP, didn't want to read and run xx

Trenzalor Tue 25-Apr-17 16:02:57

No one is ready and it's okay to panic. Try to think ahead and ask for counselling to help you through this. I hope, whatever you decide, you find happiness with your decision.

KungFuEric Tue 25-Apr-17 16:05:35

Do you think you'll be ready 5 months down the line?

Is it practical/financial issues that you're worried about, or emotionally unprepared?

Gallavich Tue 25-Apr-17 16:06:37

What will be different in 5 months?
Sounds like maybe you don't actually want children now/ever?

Alanna1 Tue 25-Apr-17 16:11:04

Why don't you go and talk with your GP and your midwife and ask for counselling? It's normal to feel anxiety and worry. I got pregnant literally the day we made the decision to start trying and I remember my shock when I found out. Good luck.

JaxingJump Tue 25-Apr-17 16:13:00

The hormones in early pregnancy are seriously fucked up. Do you think it's possible that that they are leaving you anxious, scared, feeling trapped because of that? If you wanted a baby before getting pregnant I would try to trust that. I felt so blue when I got pregnant but just kept thinking about how much I had wanted them before it happened and ignored how awful and uninterested I felt during pregnancy.

Can you go see a counsellor to help talk this through?

SpunBodgeSquarepants Tue 25-Apr-17 16:18:40

Click, you need to speak to someone in real life about this. I'd advise you to see your GP. Myself and my DP tried for 19 months to have a second child but when I found out I was pregnant I didn't feel excited, I felt like you. I felt a sense of dread and panic. But then at ten weeks I found out I'd had a missed miscarriage and had to have an ERPC at sixteen weeks. And I thought I would have been relieved but I wasn't, I grieved for that baby and it was just an awful experience. Unfortunately my DP is now my ex so I doubt I'll have another chance at getting pregnant.
What I'm saying is it might just be nervousness at becoming a parent, or perhaps just hormones. I know I'd do anything to still be pregnant.

theclick Tue 25-Apr-17 16:20:20

I've already talked to my GP and I am in perimental care. I am up and down - much more happy to work out and cook and eat healthy like I was before, but there is always an underlying fear of - my life is about to change and I don't like it one bit. I am always thinking - can't this just go away?

Financially we are fine and not worried at all. Even practically - have grandparents willing to help (my mum especially) and we're thinking we will do one day at nursery a week so baby gets some social interaction...

But 7 weeks ago I had minor bleeding and I'll admit i kept thinking, if this is a miscarriage that is ok. And when they scan and tell me, "healthy heartbeat!" I'm not as relieved as I should be. I just feel nothing. We just returned from holiday and there was a screaming theee year old at the airport while we were waiting to board. Previously I would have thought "oh God, thank God that's not me yet," and at the airport I was just thinking, "that will be me in a few monthsconfused"

But then today in the nursery there was a beautiful baby who was just so lovely and I will admit, I just wanted to hold her and stroke her pink cheeks! But isn't that just finding a baby cute?

Gallavich Tue 25-Apr-17 16:30:36

How have you got to the point where you are planning a baby with your partner, in fact pregnant with one, and you don't actually want one?

Floggingmolly Tue 25-Apr-17 16:33:35

Why are you assuming you wouldn't be feeling like this if it had taken the full 6 months you thought it would to get pregnant? confused

carabos Tue 25-Apr-17 16:38:30

I got pregnant accidentally with DS1 very early into my first marriage. It was far too soon, I was horrified. I felt like you do right up until about 7 months, then accepted it. When he was born it was like POW! Love at first sight doesn't begin to cover it and I still feel like that now. He's 31 tomorrow.
There'll be millions of women out there with similar stories- it's fear of the unknown. Having said that, do what's right for you.

JaxingJump Tue 25-Apr-17 16:42:28

OP, I honestly think what you are feeling is not abnormal. It's very hard to reconcile yourself with the permanency of it all once it happens. It's a horrid shock, at least in my case it was.

If you think that babtly was cute just wait till you see your own! You simply can't imagine it now.

But honestly, perinatal and postnatal depression are very common and need to be dealt with. But in terms of discussing how you are feeling on here, I will admit on my first (much wanted) pregnancy I almost hoped it wouldn't work out. I am a happy, healthy mum of 3 under 4 now but wanted you to know that it's not uncommon to feel like you do.

EpoxyResin Tue 25-Apr-17 16:45:13

Look, you won't have a screaming 3 year old in a few months. People love screaming 3 year olds because they're their babies, those cute ones with pink cheeks, you never stop seeing that (okay, maybe for a second) even when your offspring is a raging ball of fury in a supermarket car park. Everything changes - but good changes - and that cute baby thing, that is waaaay more powerful than you can imagine right now.

Do you think you still want children ever? Because if you do, 5 months is nothing. Pregnancy is a horrible blip - you can AND YOU WILL be you again afterwards! Perhaps you will be different, okay you probably WILL be different, but you probably won't mind all that much.

But if you're thinking not ever, you need to have a long think about that and there are a good few people you need to be talking to about this.

I'm sorry I can't offer more help for you, you must be finding this so frightening flowers

theclick Tue 25-Apr-17 17:45:28

Gallavich and Molly I was convinced I would have problems (or at least take a while) as I'm hypothyroid and had suspected endo so getting pregnant so quickly was a shock. I'd even started looking into medical care from Zita West in case I needed it!

My GP also says it is shock but I think what doesn't help is the rest of my family not asking me what I want in all of this. Even though I've told them so many times I am feeling unsure.

I am the first of my friend's to be pregnant, so from that perspective it's also weird as it is the unknown and not being able to talk to someone who will understand.

theclick Tue 25-Apr-17 17:48:38

EpoxyResin thank you, (in fact thanks all of you!) that is really helpful. I think I just need to talk this through with DH too and make it clear how I'm feeling, I keep skirting around if and he doesn't seem to get it.

FlouncingInTheRain Tue 25-Apr-17 19:06:32

I always thought i'd have children one day. XH had been working from home earning nothing for two years and I suggested that it had been a two year experiment so it was time to work again. He suggested we start a family and he'd be a SAHP. I had a career I was really succeeding in. My mum had taken 7 years and seen numerous consultants before conceiving, my sister at that time had been trying for three years. I conceived first month thinking it was a few years off still.

It was a real shock. Like you I had bleeding at 7 weeks and a real flood of messed up emotion. Actually, bleeding carryed on until about 13 weeks. The guilt I felt about thinking this could be it or have I somehow made/ willed this happen.

All the time I was ment to be delighted. My parents were over the moon, first grandchild, my sister was puting on a brave face. Inlaws full of wanting updates. I was working full time not like all these other people sat around at home thinking about having a little grandchild to play with and offering me lots and lots of advise by phone when all I wanted to do at the end of the work day was sleep. Thats to say nothing of the gentle critisicm about what I was eating, the hours i was working, names, returning to work after etc etc.

Getting my head around just being pregnant and feeling, very rarely for me, not completely in control was a horrible emotion.

With the wonderful benefit of hindsight, I don't actually think for once in life, pregnancy is a time you need the answers.

It sounds like you're really on the ball with contacting your GP and I hope your midwife can support you with the right way forwards for you. You do have the complete right to control your body. Mumsnet has seen me through some of my darkest times and theres almost always someone here who has a shared sense of experience and can relate to where you are now. Theres also always people who'll handhold and help you find your path forwards.

For me having DC has been life changing. I ended up giving up work and now have three children. Whilst I knew before DC about sleepless nights and grizzly children, I didn't know or grasp how some of the other bits would amaze and overwhelm me. Like when you look into a babys face and they stare right back at you as if into your sole. Those moments for me are like complete inner and outer contentment. When your DC achieves some thing that millions, no billions have achieved before them (like rolling over, crawling, pulling themselves up) you'd think they'd won the nobel prize for the level of proudness I feel.

On a lighter note, we flew on a plane at Easter with our three - who managed not to cry. However a baby, maybe 6 months old, sat across from us was unsettled for a short while. Mum took him to sit with dad at the back of the plane, we were near the front. Now she was a switched on parent as she sat back, played on her tablet and enjoyed a glass of wine. Once they arrive it suddenly becomes a shared responsibility it doesn't all fall to mum.

Gallavich Tue 25-Apr-17 19:34:10

That doesn't really answer the question!
Do you mean you assumed it wouldn't happen so you could safely 'ttc' to please your husband without actually having to have a baby? confused

Camnico Tue 25-Apr-17 19:40:16


I wish I could help you fast forward to the day your baby is born. There's no feeling like it. You will feel differently when you look at your child. Please don't do this.. you obviously wanted a baby as you were TTC.

FloralCouchPants Tue 25-Apr-17 20:12:41

I did not want kids and was very young when I had them. Both were an accident. DH and I were just a month into our relationship when I fell pregnant with DD. I wouldn't have gotten an abortion for my own personal morals, so went along with it even though I felt that had I had a miscarriage I would have been ok. Pregnancy was not easy for me, I really hated being pregnant the entire time. However as soon as I saw my daughter the first time (after 36 hours of labor and an emergency section) I fell completely in love and my whole world now revolves around my kids. They are my everything. I would gladly give my life for them because they are the most beautiful precious things in this world and I get to raise them and watch them grow from these adorable, loud, stinky, bundles of neediness to these beautiful, smart, funny, capable, still sometimes stinky, little people. It's hard and exhausting and sometimes you just want to throw the towel in, but at the end of the day when I put them both to bed and they hug and kiss me and tell me mummy I love you, it's all worth it.

If you truly wanted kids before you became pregnant, and just fearing it because it seems so soon and everything is going to change, it's more then likely just hormones getting the best of you and your own fears sinking in because it is such a great responsibility. Im sure you will make a lovely mum if you decide to keep your baby. They truly are the best thing that has happened in my life, and if you choose to go through with it, in yours as well.

Floggingmolly Tue 25-Apr-17 20:15:35

Oh, give over hmm. You were ttc and are now pregnant. Why in the name of God would the rest of your family ask you what you want in all this !?

MumUndone Tue 25-Apr-17 20:15:47

I felt exactly like this OP, I also conceived very quickly and didn't feel at all ready. In fact, i don't think it properly sank in until i brought my DS home after being born, and then it was, 'shit! What do i do with this thing?' And to be honest i didn't get a rush of love, that grew over time. Now I'm incredibly glad i had DS, but I'm also glad to have some of my life back. So don't make any rash decisions - what you're feeling is not unusual.

Andcake Tue 25-Apr-17 20:19:22

Oh to be ttc and get pregnant.
But this sounds like nerves and it's good you are talking to your GP.
Maybe you need to ask how you would feel if you ttc and hadn't got pregnant for a year or more or if you abort this baby and never get pregnant again.

BIWI Tue 25-Apr-17 20:22:41

FFS Floggingmolly, try a bit of empathy and compassion will you?

@theclick - I think what you're feeling is probably much more common that people will admit to. It's overwhelming when you realise you're pregnant, even if you are expecting it. It's your body and so many things are going to change - and it's your career and your life that's going to change too.

Talk to your DH about it. And talk to your midwife/midwives too - they will have experience of women who feel like this.

Camnico Tue 25-Apr-17 20:29:10

@floggingmolly bit harsh confused

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