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This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

Shall I have an abortion or not?

(28 Posts)
NameChange199 Mon 17-Apr-17 19:10:44

Firstly, can I please say no flaming. I was on the pill, and was very rarely sexually active so was really not planning this at all. I'm 25, 10 weeks pregnant and my daughter has just turned 2. NCed as identifying. Sorry it's so long, would really appreciate anyone who can be bothered to read it smile

Cons:

Baby's dad was very controlling when we were together towards the end and ended up treating me pretty badly (nothing ever physical). He has substance misuse issues (hidden from me for a long time) which he is currently dealing with and providing me with clean drugs tests so he can have contact with our DD. He has been a lot calmer over the past few months since he's stopped taking drugs and we haven't been together (night of conception was a very silly one off). I don't have any feelings for him anymore. He would be happy to have another child but agrees that it's my decision. He always pays his fair share financially. He loves DD very much - though I definitely accept not enough to stop taking drugs when she was born. Social services got involved due to his drug taking (never around DD), I explained I would only be allowing supervised visits until I've received several months clean drugs tests and they closed the case. Said he sounds like a good dad from when they've spoken to him but needs to sort out these issues obviously before unsupervised contact is allowed. I am worried what they would think if I got pregnant with him again - if they thought I wasn't able to protect my first DD. But they did say that it was nothing too bad and didn't warrant intervention. I have taken it very seriously regardless. I would call and speak to them before deciding anything 100% and if it meant they had concerns for my 1st DD then I would consider that my decision made. But I get the impression that their enquiries on me (health visitor, nursery etc) have been exemplary and that I would always put my child/ ren first, so I don't think they will.

I'm currently in my second year of uni. I do receive good grades, and my third year only has around 6 hours a week contact time. I reckon I could manage not dropping out, which would be handy for money. But I don't wanna fuck things up. And I'm excited to get a real, proper job in a year or so once I'm graduated, which will be much harder with a young baby and a 3 year old.

I currently only have a job doing bank work, and shifts are few and far between (especially hard given childcare situation). This was fine when me an exP was together, but since we've broken up I've had a few interviews and Im 99% sure I'll get a job in the next month. If worst comes to worst, I could easily get a job in a nursery with my qualifications which would fit around DDs nursery hours. She gets her free 15 hours in September which will help things money wise. Atm I'm just on tax credits and my uni loan/ grant and the odd days work I can arrange (so once again, please no flaming!)

Sounds pretty clear cut at the moment doesn't it? I'd be mental to have a baby with this man who has caused me to have social services involved however briefly, and when my career is so uncertain and I'm at a crucial stage in my education. I'm booked in to have the abortion next week.

But I just want a baby so bloody badly! They've made me wait since I was 5 weeks pregnant and pretty sure on my decision, and the past 5 weeks have made me doubt myself. I'm so so so pro choice, but the thought of an abortion makes me feel sick. I want to meet my little baby so much. I cope really well with my toddler DD, she has a really lovely life with me and I love her very very much. I'm young, but a homebody and only really want to hang out with my DD in my spare time. I have no interest in dating or whatever at present would rather eat chocolate on the sofa and watch line of duty every night. I have no qualms about doing everything myself if their dad doesn't step up. I have a supportive family - I'd be bloody terrified to tell my mum and dad and they'd probably be pissed off and worried, but would support me and love the new baby very much no matter what. I have good friends who love me and DD very much, and are on hand to babysit if needed.

I would never have planned things to happen this way. I said to everyone once I had broken up with exP that I wanted to have my next baby once I was married, in a good career and a healthy, secure relationship. And I still could have all these things.

But I'm really sad to get rid of the baby growing inside of me. sad I'd be really grateful for any advice.

bibbitybobbityyhat Mon 17-Apr-17 19:14:08

Not a question for other people to answer for you, sorry.

PaperdollCartoon Mon 17-Apr-17 19:16:34

This is a decision only you can make, but I think you'll regret it if you don't have this baby. You can still keep working for what you want in life, these things happen. But don't get rid of baby you want, you won't be able to let go of it.

NorthernLurker Mon 17-Apr-17 19:16:45

I think you need to think about whether you want a baby sometime or you want this baby now.

Isadora2007 Mon 17-Apr-17 19:17:14

Honestly I would go with your heart every time on this one. You can rearrange education and jobs etc and it will all work out down the line. But you won't ever have another chance to have this child.
You will regret an abortion- you know it and so do I having read your words.

NameChange199 Mon 17-Apr-17 19:24:44

Thanks everyone for your replies. I completely understand that it's a decision I have to make myself, but just writing it down has sort of helped. I guess I feel like my head is saying no, but my heart's saying yes.

Isadora2007 Mon 17-Apr-17 20:04:16

I'm glad writing it down helps. I believe you do know your own answer. Head Vs Heart is always tough... but you're young and the future you can see for yourself jobwise is still going to be open to you with two children. I had my first two children young (pre 25) and had a life threatening illness age 26... I didn't regret not finishing uni nor worry i could die without ever having a career... I thanked God for my children and the times I had spent with them.
Heart trumps head every time for me.

NorthernLurker Mon 17-Apr-17 20:06:29

I think you should forget your head, forget your heart, go with your gut. More than anything our gut knows what we really can manage.

NorthernLurker Mon 17-Apr-17 20:07:58

Also regretting an abortion is normal. Regret doesn't make it the wrong choice. You can do something which is right for you and still regret it.

Isadora2007 Mon 17-Apr-17 20:12:33

NL really? I don't agree with that. I struggle to think of anything I regret if I have made the decision I feel best for me given the knowledge at the time.
If things change after or knowledge comes to light that would have affected that decision it is annoying but I wouldn't regret it as it is new info.
But I don't believe regret is a result of good choices. Or okay ones. But wrong ones.

PattyPenguin Mon 17-Apr-17 20:26:54

If you can't cope with the third year of your degree course with a baby and a toddler, will you be able to postpone it? What will that mean with regards to loans, if you have them?

Will you realistically be able to afford childcare for two children if you do get a degree and a job subsequently, on what you will be earning?

You really can't rely on the baby's father contributing much, or indeed anything, you do know that, don't you? It would be great if he does, but it's by no means guaranteed for the entire time they will be dependent.

NorthernLurker Mon 17-Apr-17 20:33:51

Deciding to end a pregnancy is really, really complicated. Often people talk about it terms of what's right for a person or what's wrong but actually it's about the least bad option. The ideal would be to rewind time and not face the choice but we can't do that. If you push people to say which decision they are 'happy' with, you risk pushing them too hard and them not being able to make a real choice at all.
Nobody wants to have to have an abortion but it can be a choice people feel very comfortable and sure about. It can also be a choice which people make as their least bad option and especially in that case you need to accept you may regret it as well as accepting it.

NameChange199 Mon 17-Apr-17 20:39:24

If you can't cope with the third year of your degree course with a baby and a toddler, will you be able to postpone it? What will that mean with regards to loans, if you have them?

I could postpone, as per my universities policy, yes. I would be ok, you're entitled to four years of loans. Although I wouldn't be entitled to a loan whilst I postponed, if that makes sense. So I'd struggle but things wouldn't be impossible.

Will you realistically be able to afford childcare for two children if you do get a degree and a job subsequently, on what you will be earning?

Yes, my daughter would be entitled to 15 hours free in September, and 30 hours free the following year. So by then, when DC2 is in childcare, I'd be paying similarly to what I am now.

You really can't rely on the baby's father contributing much, or indeed anything, you do know that, don't you? It would be great if he does, but it's by no means guaranteed for the entire time they will be dependent.

I definitely know that. And I'm reading that other thread (shall I have a second baby with abusive P?), where everyone is saying to the girl to wait until she's in a loving relationship, or she'll be doing her existing child and the new one a disservice. I guess this is what makes me nervous the most. My DDs father is loving when his issues are under control, unlike the other woman's. And he would never be abusive like her P was (although he was very paranoid - due to the drugs I guess - and said some really horrible things due to this which led to our break up). And this situation certainly wasn't planned! And I guess I feel my heads a bit more screwed on than hers (in the least pretentious way possible). But we're certainly not in a loving relationship, and never will be. He isn't a wonderful role model. That's my biggest issue, I guess.

NameChange199 Mon 17-Apr-17 20:40:48

*Deciding to end a pregnancy is really, really complicated. Often people talk about it terms of what's right for a person or what's wrong but actually it's about the least bad option. The ideal would be to rewind time and not face the choice but we can't do that. If you push people to say which decision they are 'happy' with, you risk pushing them too hard and them not being able to make a real choice at all.
Nobody wants to have to have an abortion but it can be a choice people feel very comfortable and sure about. It can also be a choice which people make as their least bad option and especially in that case you need to accept you may regret it as well as accepting it.*

Thank you, this is really helpful and has made me consider it in a different light. I'm still not sure but am going to read this a few more times over the next few days while I try and make a decision.

NameChange199 Mon 17-Apr-17 20:42:37

My DDs father is loving when his issues are under control, unlike the other woman's.

Sorry, I meant loving to my DD, not me. We're civil, working on becoming mates.

Alisvolatpropiis Mon 17-Apr-17 20:49:17

Honestly? I would not continue the pregnancy. It is entirely your decision of course but in your position no, I don't think going with your heart is the right choice.

NameChange199 Mon 17-Apr-17 20:52:52

Thank you, it is helpful to hear different opinions. I think I myself am leaning towards not continuing. I do really really want this baby, but I think practically the best decision for me and my current DD would not be to have it. I guess it's just that maternal urge that kind of takes some willpower to get over.

But I'm young, and have lots of time to have another baby when I'm in a better situation, with a lovely partner/ dad.

I don't know.

Trills Mon 17-Apr-17 20:57:52

I agree about ^ least bad option^.

I am of the opinion that I don't want to be pregnant, and if I were to find myself pregnant, I would take the necessary action in order to be not pregnant again.

I can't speak for you, but that's what I would do.

DesertSky Mon 17-Apr-17 20:58:03

Follow your heart.

Quodlibet Mon 17-Apr-17 21:13:47

Oh OP what a hard situation.

Just a couple of things to take into account. The 15 hours 'free' childcare funding is often a long way from actually being 15 free hours. It depends on your nursery but it's only 15 hours of funding for 38 weeks of the year. It might be enough for you but it's bitten a lot of people on the bum planning around this imaginary 15 hours so worth finding out what it means for you.

Don't underestimate too how hard it is going from one to two children. Even in the context of a supportive relationship I have felt massively, massively overstretched and inadequate at times since the birth of my second and there's been lots of times I feel hard pressed to meet the emotional needs of both children (let alone my own needs). Personally I would struggle enormously if I was solo parenting with a 2 year age gap. it doesn't sound like your daughter's father is ever going to be useful as a parent.

There is a maternal urge in many of us to have babies even when the circumstances aren't right. I think you are right to be thinking about whether it's better to override this urge. Sometimes wanting to have another baby is not a good enough reason to have another baby IMO.

Alisvolatpropiis Mon 17-Apr-17 21:33:02

I'm a couple of years older than you, with an almost two year old.

My marriage wasn't great, but I got broody just before she turned one. I very seriously considered having another child despite knowing the relationship was bad.

As it is, I left when she was 15 months old. I cannot tell you how glad I am that I did not have a second child with my soon to be ex husband.

I know you are actually pregnant, which makes it harder but you are young, you can find happiness with someone else. Put your existing child and yourself first.

NameChange199 Mon 17-Apr-17 21:58:34

Thanks everyone. I think my mind's made up.

Eastername Mon 17-Apr-17 22:06:48

It's obviously totally your decision but I really think if it was me I would have an abortion. It's such a tough one and I could totally understand why you'd want to go ahead with it, it's not an easy thing to be rational about. I don't think there's a 'wrong' choice but to have another baby with this man doesn't seem like the best plan really. And with your education and all the other things you're looking forward to, realistically it could be very difficult with another child.

DustOffYourHighestHopes Mon 17-Apr-17 22:10:26

If it were me, I would terminate.

But it's not me, it's you.

Whatever you do, I wouldn't listen to anyone who thinks it is about 'heart vs head'. This oversimplifies things and also misrepresents the issues.

Eastername Mon 17-Apr-17 22:23:39

I agree with this ^^. It makes it sound like a slightly wishy washy 'follow your heart' type deal when the reality could be really very difficult. IMO it's about making the best choice for you OP, your future happiness and financial security as well as your DD's. If you really want to keep the baby though, an abortion might be a very difficult thing to go through with and it wouldn't be wrong to choose to keep it, not at all. But you didn't want to be pregnant and you have a lot of other things you're hoping to do.

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