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This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

How did you make the decision to terminate pregnancy? **Title edited by MNHQ**

(60 Posts)
dontknowwhattoexpect Tue 04-Apr-17 23:37:57

Just found out I am pg, cannot keep it. I am too young and we have no money and it's not the right time. i know I can't keep it. But it's sad because it would have a lovely dad and family and I think I could be a good mum.

Would be great to hear from anyone else who has been in this position and how you felt about it. How easy was it to make this decision? Was it hard if you knew you really wanted to have a baby but just not at that time? Esp if you knew it was with the right man, but again just the wrong circumstances?
I am struggling at the moment. I have a supportive partner but would like to hear from some other women so I don't feel alone.

thank you in advance
x

BillywigSting Tue 04-Apr-17 23:44:28

I was too young, too poor, relationship was rocky, I just wasn't ready (and wasn't sure I wanted a baby with the father).

Tbh there was very little thinking involved in my decision.

I kept my now 3.5yo ds a year later when I was in a far better place in every way.

Both decisions were the right ones at the time for me. I still get the odd pang of 'what if' with regards to the first pregnancy, but the answer to that is I would probably not have ds.

abigwideworld Tue 04-Apr-17 23:44:45

I've never terminated a pregnancy but didn't want to just leave this thread without saying anything. Pregnancy and birth are hugely challenging even with a planned baby so I have immense sympathy for your situation. Whatever you decide you aren't doing anything wrong. If you have the right partner etc there's no reason why circumstances won't be better for a baby in the future? There is support out there should you choose to keep it though.

chastenedButStillSmiling Tue 04-Apr-17 23:53:06

I'm not trying to influence you or say what's right or wrong (as only you know this). But when I got pregnant (and it took me over 5 years!) all I thought about was the pregnancy and the earliest stages of babyhood.

I now know that was just the teeniest tip of the iceberg that is being a parent. They rely on you utterly, 24/7 for YEARS. It's mind-numbingly boring, at least for the first 6 years. Your wants, needs and desires take a back seat to everything, or else you're a crap parent (and who wants to be a crap parent!)

It's the most rewarding and glorious thing I've ever done,but it is utterly relentless and your rewards are things like a smile. They are amazing smiles, but they are just a smile.

If you're tempted to go through with it, be aware you'll have to give up almost everything that's normal to you now. It's fine, but it's not life as you know it now.

frogsgoladidahdidah Tue 04-Apr-17 23:53:31

Firstly hugs

When I was in a situation of having an unplanned pregnancy quite early on in my relationship with DH. It was very difficult to come to terms with, in the end, I decided because I felt that it was not fair to go ahead with a pregnancy that we were not in agreement with. My doctor was wonderfully patient and told me that either way, this would be one of the biggest decisions of my life. It was not an easy one.

Mother Nature relieved me of any responsibility and even though it was still devastating, I will always (with hindsight) be glad that the decision was made for me.

I am now the mother of four wonderful children. The timing was right, we married a year later, have had a great marriage and we both feel delighted about our family.

But that is just my story. You need to decide yours, and for that, I wish you courage.
Xxxx

RestlessTraveller Tue 04-Apr-17 23:56:44

I wasn't young, could have afforded it and it could have easily been the right time. But I didn't want a baby so the decision was made before the line on the test showed up. I never wavered.

FairytalesAreBullshit Tue 04-Apr-17 23:57:48

It depends what factors are holding you back, if it's age, then you can do exciting stuff still, I think having a baby younger isn't always bad, you still get on with life as normal.

For me the biggest thing that put me off having an abortion, was knowing a woman who had an abortion, when she deemed herself to be ready nature wasn't on her side. She went through all the stages of fertility treatment, spent a fortune on IVF/ISCI, still didn't get the baby. It was really bitter sweet, she was a family friend, her husband would say to my Dad, it would feel worthwhile, the ups and downs, the sacrifices with money, if they had a baby in their arms. The fact they had the chance and all was well but they had ambitions and terminated a pregnancy, it almost felt like a punishment.

That's what I always focussed on, that it wasn't a God given right to get pregnant, I had fertility issues I knew about in my twenties. When I've had friends face the same dilemma, I always told them about the family friend, how infertility can strike at any time, if they want a child, as long as you can give it love, the material stuff doesn't matter. Some decided to progress with the pregnancy, some went ahead and terminated. Good friends despite their beliefs will support you no matter what.

You'll get a mixed bag of opinions I'm sure, it's not our choice to make, do you want reasons to support you terminating because you're not sure? I think it'd be a bittersweet Christmas knowing that's roughly when you'd be due I'm guessing.

These are just my opinions, I'm in no way qualified, apart from to offer my opinion.

LadyLoveYourWhat Wed 05-Apr-17 00:00:31

I fell pregnant a couple of months into a new relationship. I'd just come out of a long term relationship and my head was all over the place, so I didn't really want the baby, but it wasn't until a friend told me about her termination that I felt that it was an "ok" thing to do. My overwhelming feeling after the abortion was of relief and I have never regretted my decision. I went on to have two children with the father and we're happily married 15 years later. I don't think that would have been the case if we'd kept the first pregnancy, our relationship would have foundered and I'm not sure how I would have coped.

I was very open about the abortion with my friends and my sister and cousins and several admitted that they'd also had terminations in various circumstances, but it's not something we'd ever spoken about until then.

dontknowwhattoexpect Wed 05-Apr-17 00:02:01

thank you so much, all these messages feel like a hug

chastened thank you for your honesty, i feel like i have a realistic view about the reality of parenthood and thats why I know for sure its not the right time, I could not cope with that level of commitment. I work irregular hours, am constantly tired as it is and simply could not give a baby the care and attention it needs, it would drain me utterly.

i am lucky to have a great partner who knows the decision is mine alone and is nothing but supportive, I just really needed to hear from some other women that it will all be okay and there's no reason I cant be a mum in the future to a baby who gets all the love and time it deserves.

FittonTower Wed 05-Apr-17 00:03:50

I was young-ish - straight out of uni and with a lovely man. If I'd kept it I'm sure we wouldn've made it work as parents even if we didn't as a couple. But I don't regret it. It wasn't the right time for me. I think I'm a good mum now, I don't think I would've been then. I'd have done as good a job as I was capable I'm sure but my life, and the lives of my children are better for my decision. I won't say I don't ever regret it. I know the dates I took that first test, the dates I had the termination and the date I was due - those days I do have regrets and sadness, but not for what I did. It was hard, I've not done much that was harder, but I still think it was right.
Lots of love to you. I know what you are going through and no one can tell you what is right for yoy xx

wobblywonderwoman Wed 05-Apr-17 00:04:36

I have never had one op but it seems you are very mature and maybe now is not the right time.

I used to be very much 'you can't take away a life ' but having been on here for many years, I really have changed my view. It is a bunch of cells - life will happen if you want it to but at this early stage you have choices and maybe the best one for you isn't to keep the baby flowers

peaceloveandbiscuits Wed 05-Apr-17 00:08:57

I was young, severely mentally unwell, financially unstable, been with my boyfriend for a matter of months... it was a no-brainer for me. I did feel that it was a sadness in itself, and I had some complications which coloured the experience, but it was absolutely the right decision and I never doubted that at any stage of the process. I have no doubt that that child would now be in care had I given birth to it, and I wouldn't have recovered from my MH issues.

This was ten years ago. I'm now married to the same man with a DS and pregnant with a second child. Just because it's the wrong time doesn't mean there won't ever be a right time smileflowers

OkPedro Wed 05-Apr-17 00:11:36

I've had two abortions. The first one as soon as a saw the positive line there wasn't a doubt in my mind that I would continue with the pregnancy..I was devastated, worse still I live in Ireland so I knew it would be expensive, I already had two dc so knew I'd likely be travelling alone while dp took care of them. The relief I felt afterwards was immense. The second unwanted pregnancy I did struggle a little with my decision took a few weeks to come to terms with another abortion but I knew I didn't anymore children.
Good luck with your decision and whatever you do speak to a professional flowers

onceyoupop Wed 05-Apr-17 00:12:21

Sorry that you feel that you are facing this decision. I had an unplanned pregnancy 10 years ago with my now husband. At the time we didn't even have a place to live together and were both students. It never crossed our minds not to keep our child. Of course it was challenging, but being young parents has had great advantages. We have studied and developed our careers along the way. It was really hard work but not impossible. Do you have family support? Do you have work or are you not quite at that stage? What about your partner?

Italiangreyhound Wed 05-Apr-17 00:13:52

dontknowwhattoexpect I am sorry you are in this situation, and hope you will make the decision that is right for you.

I cannot tell you what is right for you, and it may be that you terminate this pregnancy and have the chance for another when the time is right.

I've never been in that situation. I got pregnant with fertility treatment when I was 39, the pregnancy was very difficult and I nearly lost my baby at about 15 weeks. Thankfully I didn't and she is now a strapping 12 year old girl. Later we tried for another child and despite a lot of fertility treatment with donor eggs and never managed to have another pregnancy. We adopted our son three years ago and we are delighted with our family.

The pregnancy is your choice, totally, but please be aware it is not always easy to get pregnant when you want to, maybe you will in the future easily as you are a lot younger than me. But if you do want this baby, and you and your partner are happy together, then being a young mum with a partner you love is probably no bad thing.

Lilyoftheforest Wed 05-Apr-17 00:14:32

Do whatever you feel is best. Be sure about your decision though.
How old are you my lovely?

(((HUGS))) flowers

Mysterycat23 Wed 05-Apr-17 00:18:01

I was 19 and it was by a casual and fairly unsuitable boyfriend. My mum gave consent as I physically couldn't speak to the doctor to give consent. At the time it was a living nightmare but seemed the "right thing" to have done so my life wasn't "ruined". What I wasn't prepared for was that as time went on I felt worse and worse. I mean years after. Particularly as I hit 25/26, single, depressed. Then when I fell pregnant with DH (ttc for a year) I had a lot of processing to do. Felt like I didn't deserve the baby, terrified something would go wrong as punishment etc. Just devastated for my younger self too, all the years of loneliness and regret. Struggled to enjoy pregnancy or look forward to baby. My LO is 10 weeks old now and with the support of DH I've come to terms with it a bit more. I feel like it would not have been wrong to continue the pregnancy at 19 but it would have closed a lot of doors and of course I would probably never have met DH etc. If I had to do it all over again I don't know that I would terminate. My life would have been very different but I have no way of knowing how it would have gone.

PlymouthMaid1 Wed 05-Apr-17 00:21:28

I fell pregnant as a student, very bad timing, but couldnt consider abortion for more than a moment as I knew I wanted children one day and it felt wrong to say that one was inconvenient . That was a decision personal to me and you need to make the one you can live with best even if the answer is an abortion.

dontknowwhattoexpect Wed 05-Apr-17 00:23:12

Italian i have been thinking about the age thing, I know it sounds silly but I'm having this stupid worry that karma will get me and now I won't be able to conceive when I want to. I dont even believe in karma!

lily I am 21 and so is my partner. We have great families. That's what makes it sad - it would be a loved baby with a great support system. But we don't have a place to live. We have jobs but they are not stable enough and not what we want to do long term. I feel I would be restricting all my options in life. What I am most afraid of about having a child is regret, and possibly resenting a poor child who didn't ask to be born.

Just read all that back and worried I sound completely cold, but I should be honest I suppose.

Thank you for sharing your stories you are all so kind

Italiangreyhound Wed 05-Apr-17 00:25:07

dontknowwhattoexpect ah, I ;ve seen your update, it seems you really don't want to keep the baby and so I guess you want to hear from people who made the choice to terminate and are happy with it.

As I say it's totally your decision but if you "work irregular hours" now, you know you could change your hours. And if you are "constantly tired" now, maybe your current life isn't the best and a baby would change it for the better! Plus how do you know you will have more energy when you are older?

Whatever you decide to do I hope you have peace about it.

MusicToMyEars800 Wed 05-Apr-17 00:26:05

I had a termination when I was 16, I had been with my OH for 1 year ( we are still together now ) it wasn't an easy thing to do, but it was the right thing, I was 5 weeks pregnant at the time I had it so not too far into the pregnancy, I knew it was the right thing to do as I was still living at home, I was only 16, no job or money etc. It was painful and emotionally hard for a while, but we moved on and 2 years later had a baby girl ( wasn't planned, but I was not going to have a 2nd termination and was in a better position ) do what you feel is best for you and your OH, and I am here for a hand hold etc if you need it, as we all are on MN

dontknowwhattoexpect Wed 05-Apr-17 00:26:06

Mystery congratulations on your baby, I'm so sorry that you have found it a struggle.

WildBelle Wed 05-Apr-17 00:26:21

I've been in your shoes and kept the baby (although have since had 2 terminations). Looking back, keeping her probably wasn't the wisest thing. I haven't been able to give her the life I would have liked.

But I think you have to go with your gut feeling. If you had the baby, things would have a way of working themselves out (although it wouldn't be easy). If you had a termination, again you will be fine and your life will move on. I would just say if you're not 100% about your decision get some counselling first. Marie Stopes are great.

finnmcool Wed 05-Apr-17 00:26:42

I had a six year old daughter. Pregnancy unplanned, relationship wasn't stable.
My priority was with the child I had, not the child I could have.
It was absolutely the right decision for me.
Just make sure you make the right decision for you!
Good luck flowers

Lilyoftheforest Wed 05-Apr-17 00:27:04

You don't sound cold, just sensible. 21 is a bit too young to have a baby imo. And especially if you don't have your own place yet. And you are not old enough to be on the career ladder yet really.

That said, no-one is ever ready for a baby! shock

As I said, do whatever you feel is best, and don't feel bad for it.

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