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This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

Please help me , need some wise words

(29 Posts)
organixeveryday Sun 19-Mar-17 10:30:44

So I did a test this morn and I'm pregnant.
Think I'm probably about 5/6 weeks gone, wasn't on any BC as I had really struggled (year and a half) previously to get pregnant with DC1 and hadn't been on anything in between either (17 months).
I have a 17 month old child who does see his dad every weekend and in the week too, although we aren't together it's fairly amicable etc.
I have been with my current partner for 9 months , he is fantastic with my son, said he wished he was his dad etc , seemed to love being part of our family.
I have helped him through a preciriptiokb drug addiction along with other things and I thought all was well.

I present this pregnancy test to him this morning , and he says that he doesn't think he ever wants children ever (although he had said a year from now would be the time to start trying ) , he thinks that having my Dc on the Saturday of every weekend is a real pain in the arse, and that he wants me to have an abortion ASAP.

Now I am torn as I didn't have siblings growing up and I desperately want my child to have a playmate and someone to help them through the rough times (my own DM is suffering with terminal cancer and I have no family support really so could do with a sibling) and also my son is everything to me and I couldn't imagine killing the child inside me.

Please help me out here. I have a place of my own, sufficient funds to raise a baby and toddler at least , and all the equipment etc.
I have many many friends too locally , and a large support network. I just want to do the right thing. I have told my DM and she says do whatever is right for you and basically keep it.

GuinessPunch Sun 19-Mar-17 10:33:19

You want your baby. Keep him/her.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Sun 19-Mar-17 10:35:06

End your relationship and keep your baby.
Having an abortion won't keep your bf happy - he has admitted his negative feelings towards your ds so there is no future with him anyway.
Pack his stuff and tell him it's over then concentrate on enjoying your pregnancy and being a dm of 2flowers

organixeveryday Sun 19-Mar-17 10:36:20

Don't know if it alters the situation but I'm 22 and he's almost 33, don't know who is that age and doesn't know what they want when it comes to kids and life. His older sister is a high flying lawyer who doesn't have kids and he's taking it from her as she says "it's nice to be an aunt but even better to just hand them back over".
His other sister has 2 kids who probably make her life worth living! (Abusive DH).

organixeveryday Sun 19-Mar-17 10:37:26

My DM says that my dc makes her life worth living and he brings her immense joy and I would hate for this to upset her and me too. I've cried BUCKETS today.

HollyJollyDillydolly Sun 19-Mar-17 10:38:04

It sounds like you want the baby. If you're happy to go ahead knowing your oh might not want to be involved then do it. Good Luck With your decision whatever you choose.

organixeveryday Sun 19-Mar-17 10:38:19

Bf knows that baby is his but refuses to accept that the child inside me is half his if that makes sense ? So knows I haven't cheated but doesn't accept that he could be a father.

organixeveryday Sun 19-Mar-17 10:42:59

This is the saddest and hardest thing I have ever had to contemplate doing. I think having a child is an absolute blessing and quite an honour (without being preachy).
I really want to make the right decision here.

JaneEyre70 Sun 19-Mar-17 10:50:51

I'm on the fence OP - you're going to have 2 very small children, your DM is terminally ill and you aren't going to have a partner. In a totally practical way, is your being pregnant going to affect the amount of help/care/support that your DM is going to need? Yes you will manage, but is that going to give your children the best quality of life? I don't like the idea of abortion, but equally dislike the idea of bringing a child into the world without the father's consent. It's a tough choice and I wish you well with it.

Emsnet Sun 19-Mar-17 10:51:47

You want your baby and couldn't imagine the alternative. No choice to make then smile - keep them and be happy they are coming. Congratulations!

Your partner may well feel very differently when baby arrives/as pregnancy progresses. I work with separated parents and it is not uncommon for a dad who initially suggested abortion to be totally head over heels with and committed to the LO once they arrive.

Also he says he doesn't think he ever wants children ever - really!? if that were true why was he happy to go without BC. He clearly needs to get his head around this and think before he opens his mouth. Perhaps the surprise caught him off guard a bit and he didn't mean what he said. But even if he did just because he doesn't want a baby doesn't mean that you have to have an abortion. You know you are ready and able to do it yourself with your set up and support etc.

Whatever happens with him you and your DS and new baby will be all good

organixeveryday Sun 19-Mar-17 10:53:32

My DM fell ill when Dc was 6 months old , it was hard but we got through it somehow. That was from the first signs of it one evening so very very unexpected (ended up having dc sleeping in bassinet alone on the floor in the relatives room in resus whilst I stayed with her in the crash room.
I am swaying more and more towards keeping it right now.

organixeveryday Sun 19-Mar-17 10:54:40

Exactly , he knew I wasn't on anything , and he didn't double up or whatever so he definitely didn't do all he could.
I think when he sees the scan he'll think differently.

organixeveryday Sun 19-Mar-17 13:34:52


specialsubject Mon 20-Mar-17 14:18:54

Well, the true colours came out there, didn't they? First thing to do is dump the man who now admits he hates your son. Don't expect him to change his mind. A scan is just a blur and won't change a mind.

Tell him that decision on abortion or otherwise is yours. Contraception should have been used but it is done. He will be supporting you with cash like it or not.

Then weigh up where you stand financially and practically as a single parent to two, to see if it is feasible.

I wish you the best in your decision.

organixeveryday Mon 20-Mar-17 15:38:15

So actually after we had all the tears and upset in the morning we went to IKEA , when we got home we had a big chat.
Things a lot calmer now , I have been to the doctor today and am waiting to hear back from the EPU about a scan. Dp texted to say "Let's just see. I really wanted us more solid, tested and more time together before little babs! ". I think we will go ahead with it , although that's obviously not a definite , but his reaction was just that it was bad timing as he has a professional qualification which he needs to achieve by April 2018 and he is worried about passing it.
Thanks all

UnbornMortificado Mon 20-Mar-17 15:55:07

I could overlook the addiction and the immediate panic but not the fact that he sees your son as a inconvenience.

Congratulations but I think when making your choice you need to factor in the fact you could end up a singe parent with two under three.

organixeveryday Mon 20-Mar-17 17:44:12

I'm very confused because I did a test on the 8th march which was negative but last period was somewhere in February I think. No idea where this puts me. I have a scan on Sunday morning anyway .

LosingDory Tue 21-Mar-17 08:03:03

Why would you stay with a man who doesn't like the son you already have?

mainlywingingit Tue 21-Mar-17 08:07:52

Sorry to hear this OP. If you abort is there a possibility that your relations ship will break down as you will Resent him for it?

Obviously parenting solo is hard but he will have to pay some maintenance. He has to take half responsibility.

You need to do what you want OP xx

Megatherium Tue 21-Mar-17 08:08:33

What did he imagine was going to happen if he had unprotected sex for nine months with a woman who is demonstrably capable of conceiving?

MrsBobDylan Tue 21-Mar-17 21:33:50

I could never forgive someone who admitted that they found spending every Saturday with my child 'a pain in the arse'.

If you do stay with this man op you will need to have your wits about you. You need to know if he said that to hurt you or if he really feels that way.

organixeveryday Wed 22-Mar-17 07:17:31

So we are definitely going ahead. Apparently all the things he said was just total shock and he was half asleep too so not great timing.
He's actually really excited now about it all , as am I , with a slight degree of apprehension about the age gap! 25 month gaps anyone ?!

GuinessPunch Wed 22-Mar-17 13:02:04

What about the fact he doesn't like your son?

organixeveryday Wed 22-Mar-17 14:39:54

He said he was so so sorry for saying that and he completely didn't mean it and I do believe him. I'd be saying all sorts if I was confronted with that kind of shock too, I know he doesn't mean it really , he's been incredibly apologetic.

GuinessPunch Wed 22-Mar-17 19:07:20

So he's first action is to abuse your son when angry/shocked?

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