Surgical abortion 5 days ago :-( and feel so sad(16 Posts)
Hi all, I'm new here and my head is a complete mess. I recently found out that I was 12 weeks pregnant at the age of 47.
I have two older daughters I adore and am a single parent. I've been with my partner for just over a year (we don't live together) but he suffers with depression and due to this our relationship is sadly the loneliest I've ever been in but I've tried so hard to support him even though I feel like he constantly pushes me away.
Anyway taking into account our unstable relationship, his depression, my age, financial pressures and the fact that I'm currently working full time and doing a degree we took the decision to end the pregnancy.
I had a surgical abortion 5 days ago and felt no emotion apart from wanting to get it over with. It all went smoothly and I was back at work the next day. 5 days on though I feel like my world is falling apart. I can't stop crying, I miss feeling pregnant and am torturing myself looking at the scan picture (I chose to see the scan and have a picture as it all felt so unreal). I feel so guilty that I ended my baby's life and don't feel I deserve to be happy. I'm so overwhelmed with my uni work and trying to get back to normal. My partner was meant to come round last night but he was feeling down so didn't and I so needed a hug. I've supported him so much and I need him to be there for me but I've realised that he never will be and our relationship is practically over.
I'm hoping this feeling of despair is my hormones settling. I just want this feeling to go away.
It honestly sounds like you made the right decision given your circumstances, it certainly doesn't sound like your partner would have been very supportive with a new baby if he can't even come round at this time.
Hey my love.
I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. It sounds as if you've got a lot to contend with but on paper it sounds as if you made a wise choice considering your circumstances.
There is no rule book to how someone deals with the post abortion emotions. There are plenty of people who do not give it much thought after the fact and there are others who think about it for the rest of their lives and wonder what if. Both are natural and depend on the circumstances. You are dealing with a lot on your plate - breakdown of relationship, university work, and your own health post surgery, so no wonder you feel overwhelmed.
Were you in any way coerced into it by your partner? Did you feel you were making the decision for him more than you?
Some of how you are feeling will almost certainly be your hormones settling - and it will take a little time for those to come back to a normal level. Try to be kind to yourself - you made a decision that was right for you at the time. I would say that if you are still feeling this regretful and low after a month or so, perhaps looking into something called Post Abortion Stress Syndrome maybe a good idea to reconcile your feelings.
You DO deserve to be happy
I'm so sorry. Give yourself some time, just take it easy, look after yourself, you have had a trauma. When you are feeling a bit better you can reevaluate your relationship. It may not be a relationship worth maintaining, but now is not a good time for that kind of decision.
I think the hormonal element is huge. You made the right decision for you and your family, but that does not mean you do not feel the impact. Be kind to yourself.
Your partner seems unsupportive, but as pp says, that can be looked at another time.
If it's any help, I'm 47. I wouldn't want to be pregnant. I'm prone to depression. You have to move on with what you have, your DDs, your job and maybe your DP. There should still be counselling available to you, possibly through the health centre where you were treated. Ring them, they will know. They will have spoken to other women just like you. Find some support in RL.
Thank you ladies, your kind words mean a lot. It's so hard when the only person who knows about it is my partner and he doesn't want to talk about it. I have a really close best friend I so wanted to confide in but she is the same age as me and childless (not by choice) and I feel this would end our friendship.
It's Monday now and I think my hormones have settled down and I don't feel so wretched. I saw my partner yesterday and told him how I'd felt Saturday and he changed the subject. I've decided that I deserve so much better but don't feel strong enough to end things with him yet but have decided that I won't be running round after him as I have done. I need to put me first 😊
Buttmuncher, you asked if I felt coerced into having the abortion. Had I been in a secure relationship with him and his depression not been a factor I think I may have kept the baby but I I knew that he would be no support and being a lone parent at my age to this baby scared the life out of me so I guess he was the reason I did it...but I definitely didn't do it to make him happy and it was fully my choice. xx
It's a shame you can't talk to your friend, but I think you are right not to.
Sorry your DP is so useless,
Have from me to help you look after yourself!
Aww thanks picklemepopcorn 😊
My appetite for coffee & chocolate has come back so that's cheered me up.
Yeah useless just about sums him up!! 😡 xx
Look after yourself! I'm 46 and definitely wouldn't want to be pregnant. You did what was right for you.
You made a difficult decision and it is natural to feel sad for what might have been. You didn't take it lightly though but obviously weighed up what was best for you and your family. Try not to be so hard on yourself and I hope with time you will feel better.
Sorry you're going through this. Your boyfriend really does not sound like a good partner for the future, which was part of the rationale for your decision.
I guess I probably feel more sad as when I was married and in my 30's I so wanted a 3rd child and tried for 2 years before finding out my charming (now ex) had given me chlamydia so this was thought to be the cause why I couldn't get pregnant. I left him straight after and never met anyone I wanted to ttc with again. I always feel like I mourned that wanted 3rd child..silly huh.
This baby my doctor described as a bit of a miracle as I had a copper coil in place, at 47, with a history of chlamydia and with a partner who I sleep with twice a month (if that) so maybe that's why I feel so much sadness. This baby must have been meant to be and I killed it 🙁 xx
I am so sorry that you're going throught this.
In my opinion there's no such thing as 'meant to be', so please stop torturing yourself. You got pregnant against the odds, that is true, but it doesn't mean anything more than that.
Remind yourself of what life would have been like with a useless partner, two older children, a fulltime job and your degree. All those broken nights, childcare problems, competing demands.
Not to mention are higher risk for a birth abnormality and diffiuclt pregnancy at your age anyway.
I sometimes feel broody at over 50, but then I see and hear colleagues struggling with babies and young children 😉
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