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This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

Am I making a terrible decision?

(53 Posts)
whitesnake80 Sat 18-Feb-17 20:31:19

I would really appreciate some advice as I'm struggling with my potential decision to have a termination. I have NC for this but am a regular poster, usually on Chat and AIBU.

I'm 38 and I am 4 weeks pregnant. I also have a DS age 10 from a previous relationship. I was a single parent from his birth until I met DP 3 years ago. We weren't actively trying for a baby, but not being particularly careful either. My DP is in his 40's and has a history of significant health problems. There is a real possibility that he may require an organ transplant in the next ten years.

I really thought I wanted another baby until I got my positive test 4 days ago. Since then I can't sleep, feel overwhelmingly sad for my DS and have only felt relief at the thought I am still early enough to terminate.

I worked long hours when DS was young and missed out on a lot of the toddler stuff. I realise I'm yearning for his early years rather than those with a new child. My DS has said lots of times he doesn't want a sibling. We love having one to one time and we currently do a lot of activities/go on holidays that wouldn't be suitable for a young child. I work 4 days a week and would have to use childcare/my parents - DP wouldn't be able to manage childcare due to his health. I fortunately earn a decent salary and we have a biggish house so would have room/money for an extra child - but I worry in case I will resent DP as I can see my evenings being even more hectic than they are at present.

My final fear - my own health. I am obese with a BMI of 40, and previously had gestational diabetes and pre eclampsia, and DS was premature. And this was when I was 10 years younger and 3 stone lighter.

I have considered arrangements for a termination, but am now feeling torn. I am scared to tell DP - he was ambivalent about trying for a baby on previous discussions, but I know he would be pleased at the news. But he would tell everyone - his family can't keep anything to themselves - last year his SIL has a miscarriage, and although she only confided in one person, we all ended up hearing about it, causing great upset for her.

Please please don't flame me - I am open to all advice. I realise I'm probably a terrible person

AltheaThoon Sun 19-Feb-17 07:48:53

No one will flame you and you're not a terrible person so stop that right away.

The first thing to remember is you still have plenty of time so in that respect you're in a good position.

You've stated a lot of reasons why having a baby might not be right for you. Each one of these reasons are completely valid but you don't need 'reasons'. It's enough if you just feel that you don't want a baby.

I would say go ahead with the appointment you've made as you're not going to be forced into doing anything. You can talk it over and change your mind at any point.

Are you suggesting that you may not tell your partner? That is completely your decision. The only thing I would say is that you might need some support during and after the procedure. But really it all depends on the type of relationship you have. He needs to be the kind of person who will listen and support whilst understanding that the final decision is yours.

Finally I would say don't worry if neither decision feels 'right'. Often there isn't a best choice just a least worst choice if that makes sense.

I'm so sorry you're in this position. I truly know how you feel. An unplanned pregnancy is a real shock and has an impact on your life whether you choose to abort or go ahead with the pregnancy.

StealthPolarBear Sun 19-Feb-17 07:52:37

I think your reasons are perfectly valid and I think you'd be doing the right thing flowers.
Good luck with whatever you do decide x

AltheaThoon Sun 19-Feb-17 07:53:01

Sorry, on second reading I see you haven't made an appointment. Perhaps contact bpas just to talk to someone initially? And if you do make an appointment it doesn't mean you have to continue down that route. [Flowers]

StealthPolarBear Sun 19-Feb-17 07:53:25

At four weeks wouldn't a termination be tablets?

AltheaThoon Sun 19-Feb-17 07:56:02

It would. Tablets can be used until about nine weeks I think.

whitesnake80 Sun 19-Feb-17 08:48:11

Thank you so much for all the lovely words and advice. I live in NI where it's almost impossible to have a termination, so while I can book an appointment with Marie Stopes or FPA for advice, I can't have it carried out here. My options are either using Women On Web or travelling to mainland UK, I don't think I could face the travelling so I'd go for the former option.

I don't feel I can tell my partner about this. He would be so happy that I'm pregnant but he is very religious and completely against abortion, if would tear us apart. I feel horrible about this, but the feeling that having a baby is being unfair to my DS is my strongest emotion right now.

AltheaThoon Sun 19-Feb-17 09:11:25

Gosh, being in NI makes a hard situation even more difficult. I feel so angry on your behalf. And I totally understand why you couldn't tell your partner. I'd offer my house for you to stay and go to appointments with you but I get why you're not up to travelling.

You sound very sure that termination is the best thing for you and your family right now which is one good thing.

I'm so sorry that you're in this position.

whitesnake80 Sun 19-Feb-17 09:13:38

Thanks Althea - I really appreciate it. Our laws here are draconian and unfortunately I don't see it changing any time soon, if ever.

AltheaThoon Sun 19-Feb-17 09:40:14

I don't see the law changing either. At least women on web exists to help. So you wouldn't be able to have a confirmation scan beforehand I suppose, because then you'd be in the system wouldn't you?

whitesnake80 Sun 19-Feb-17 10:35:11

The FPA here arrange scans for women travelling to mainland U.K, as using the Women on Web service is technically illegal here (a woman here was reported by her flat mates and prosecuted last year) so I can't tell anyone if I use that option. To get the scan I'd also have to be further along I think, as it's too early to see anything now. I would prefer to get this over with asap i think. I've gone online with Women on Web and done the questionnaire and made the donation - so hopefully I could receive the meds in the next 7-10 days if they approve my request.

soupmaker Sun 19-Feb-17 10:51:58

I think you are doing the right thing Whitesnake. What a horrible position to find yourself in. Hope you get the meds soon. Have you thought about how to make sure you don't end up in the same situation again?

AltheaThoon Sun 19-Feb-17 11:14:12

I heard about that case at the time white snake. Hideous. They almost made out like they were punishing her for not being remorseful enough if I remember correctly. I guess to some people the only thing worse than a woman who has an abortion is a woman who has an abortion and doesn't regret it hmm

whitesnake80 Sun 19-Feb-17 17:24:13

I agree, it was an awful case. Thanks again for all your kind words. And yes this will definitely not be happening again, I'm going to see about something more long term for contraception!

AltheaThoon Tue 21-Feb-17 20:58:53

How are you doing @whitesnake80 ?

whitesnake80 Tue 21-Feb-17 21:03:03

Hi Althea, I'm ok thanks. I'm waiting for the pills to arrive, I would say I'm 99% certain I'll go ahead, though I found myself buying folic acid and declining alcohol at the weekend.... I think I'll know for sure what I'll do when I have the pills in my possession, at present it just doesn't feel real.

StealthPolarBear Wed 22-Feb-17 07:22:23

flowers

whitesnake80 Wed 22-Feb-17 07:55:30

Thanks Stealth

AltheaThoon Wed 22-Feb-17 20:42:00

It must be such a lonely time for you. Is there anyone at all irl that you can confide in?

Footle Wed 22-Feb-17 21:56:57

If it helps, I'm another person who totally understands your reasoning and I believe you're doing the right thing for your situation. Sorry the laws in NI make it so hard for you.

whitesnake80 Thu 23-Feb-17 17:26:19

Thanks, I was toying with telling my mum though I think she'd try and talk me out of it. I think I'll go ahead with it this weekend, the longer I leave it, the worse I feel.

specialsubject Thu 23-Feb-17 17:31:02

It sounds like you have made your decision, difficult as it is. And it is your decision alone. Every child a wanted child. You are in no way a terrible person and I wish you the best.

I hope all those who stop the choice in northern Ireland, and everywhere else, get the afterlife they deserve.

whitesnake80 Thu 23-Feb-17 18:29:01

Thanks Special. My pills have just arrived today so I'm going to start them tomorrow night, I think it is the right decision for me.

StealthPolarBear Thu 23-Feb-17 19:09:04

Wishing you strength for the next few days. Hope you are back on an even keel very soon x

specialsubject Thu 23-Feb-17 19:09:58

flowers from me too.

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