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This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

Abortion for financial reasons

(19 Posts)
whattodo89 Fri 17-Feb-17 13:57:47

I'm not 100% certain I'm pregnant but we were stupid and the test has a faint second line.

I'm married with an 8 year old and 6 month old. I'd love another child, but we are struggling financially as it is. I have no job to return to, I'm a teacher and full time teaching just isn't an option for me with young children so even if I found a job it would be on a part time salary. Husband eaensure 16k, so as you can imagine simply paying the bills is a struggle at the moment.

Has anyone else found themselves pregnant in financial difficulty? I just don't see how we could make it work and I need to think about the children I do have. But I feel this is something I'll never get over.

Ftlofg Fri 17-Feb-17 14:17:48

flowers for you, your in such a difficult situation. Abortion is such a personal issue and it wont affect some women and it will others. You have said that you think that it would be something you'd never get over. Do you honestly feel like that would be the case (im not questioning it, id feel exactly the same). If so, then I dont think abortion would be the right choice. Financially, things will be pushed to stretching point but do you think that you would be able to overcome these hurdles?

whattodo89 Fri 17-Feb-17 14:40:19

I'm really trying to think of ways we could make it work but I just don't know how. Ifor someone came along with a great suggestion then that would be problem solved. My husband feels the same, he said he'd love another but we struggle so much. We've had to take out a huge loan for an unforseen circumstance so the repayments are high. The only extra cash we have is about 60 a week from some tutoring I do but that covers our baby's new clothes or toys or something our son needs. His salary covers purely bills and some tax credits pay for our food and petrol. My card got declined trying to buy nappies in Aldi last week.

I'm just so sad. Maybe my husband will get a better job but can I take the risk? He's not even on a permanent contract. Sorry just venting, I feel so irresponsible.

juneau Fri 17-Feb-17 14:43:42

Would it make it a bit easier on you if you terminate now to think that you could try for a third in the future if your circumstances improve? I can't imagine trying to make ends meet for four people on only £16k, let alone five. Because while presumably you have a lot of baby stuff you still have to buy nappies, wipes, etc and they soon grow and are an extra mouth to feed.

TinklyLittleLaugh Fri 17-Feb-17 14:43:46

What if you worked full time and your partner did the SAHD role, as you are the higher earner.

juneau Fri 17-Feb-17 14:44:20

And don't feel irresponsible. Shit happens. Everyone makes mistakes. Try not to be hard on yourself - it simply makes your already hard situation even harder.

whattodo89 Fri 17-Feb-17 14:53:44

I was thinking about me returning instead, my salary would be about 25 so still not great although it would go up each year by 1k. I worked full time up until having baby and always felt like I missed so much with my 8 year old, all sports days, school events etc. I'd be working until 10pm most evenings and a day at the weekend. It's an option, I guess I need to.think which would be better for our family.

And yes, husband and I have both agreed we will have another when our situation improves.

I've worked so hard, so has my husband, our whole lives so I feel really angry that we're struggling so much financially.

MaverickSnoopy Fri 17-Feb-17 14:59:56

My heart goes out to you. I will be testing tomorrow in similar circumstances although through contraception failure.

Are you able to take on extra tutoring when your DH is at home? Exam marking? Have you thought about becoming a child minder? I know someone who did this as it was the only way they could afford their children. She ended up loving it too.

I would feel exactly the same as you. Test again tomorrow and tonight eat chocolate. Lots of.

debbs77 Fri 17-Feb-17 15:00:24

I would strongly suggest he gets a better paid job with a contract! That alone is a worry xx

whattodo89 Fri 17-Feb-17 15:02:58

My husband's shifts vary and we only have my car (he doesn't have a European driver's license) so he relies on me to take him to and from work. Even going to baby classes in the day is hard. I've applied for exame marking, would be a few hundred in summer.

I'll have a little look at child minding, briefly considered it but never really looked into it. Good luck to you too

whattodo89 Fri 17-Feb-17 15:07:56

Top priority is for him to get a better job but we're waiting for home office to return documents and permanent visa as he isn't British. We're stuck until then and it can take up to 5 more months.

PollytheDolly Fri 17-Feb-17 15:11:59

This sounds temporary. So in 5 months things could be better. But that's only a "could" isn't it...difficult because if things go on the up...

I'm sorry OP this must be so hard and you're right to think practically. Sorry I'm not much help but I can do hand holding.

flowers for you.

kel1234 Fri 17-Feb-17 15:12:45

It's difficult. My husband earns 13k a year and I'm a full time student so I do t have any income. It's hard
I think you need to do what is best for you

seven201 Fri 17-Feb-17 15:13:59

If you don't mind me asking why would you only be on £25k? I'm a teacher too. It sounds like you've been a teacher a while so presumably you're not at the bottom of the pay scale? I think if you do wish to keep it and if your dp doesn't find a better paid job then it probably would make sense for you to return full time and dp to do the childcare until the dc qualify for the free nursery hours. Such a tough decision.

Conniedescending Fri 17-Feb-17 15:20:02

I think you really need to consider teaching full time and your husband looking after the children. You have a far greater earning potential and your husband can do all the sports days etc for your eldest. You will get lovely long holidays as a family and your husband can then look for for something to work around the kids as they get older. It's insane when you could already earn 10k plus more and are thinking or terminating a child you want.

whattodo89 Fri 17-Feb-17 15:25:05

I'd be going in on m3, was a TA before and I'm 27. I am going to suggest it to my husband. But now I'm wondering how I'd get a job, they will be advertised around April for a September start, who would employ me pregnant? Just trying to make a plan.

PollytheDolly Fri 17-Feb-17 17:00:26

I think you really need to consider teaching full time and your husband looking after the children. You have a far greater earning potential and your husband can do all the sports days etc for your eldest. You will get lovely long holidays as a family and your husband can then look for for something to work around the kids as they get older. It's insane when you could already earn 10k plus more and are thinking or terminating a child you want.

Oh! A possible solution. smile

Viviene Sat 18-Feb-17 00:07:25

I was thinking the same as people above. Would make much more sense for you to go back to work and your husband to be a SAHD.

MaverickSnoopy Sat 18-Feb-17 10:46:36

I have seen various teaching jobs advertised in our area so start looking. You don't need to tell an employer you are pregnant until you are 25 weeks pregnant, although if you don't they can't do the risk assessment etc and so you are better protected by telling them. I would never mention it at interview though as it has no bearing on your skills for the job. A man wouldn't. They wouldn't say "by the way my wife is having a baby" because it wouldn't effect their ability to do the job and it doesn't effect yours either. You are going to be dong the job and then taking a break which they will cover with mat cover. I say this as someone who works in HR.

It seems mad that the home office can keep your DHs documents for such a long time, leaving him without the ability to get employment. What would happen if he lost his job and needed to get another one? Can he phone and explain that he needs to get a second job and ask what the process is to facilitate it whilst they keep his documentation. Can the home office do the right to work check on behalf of the new employer whilst liaising with the new employer?

It's clear from your post that you really want this baby. I had a termination in the past and never want to go through that again. We did it because we were a new couple, renting, no savings, no car, no security and wanted more for our children. If we hadn't of done that then we wouldn't have what we do now BUT it will always be the hardest thing that I ever went through. I didn't want to do it but I knew that I had to. I regret it but I don't. Incidentally the test this morning was negative. I'm relieved (because we can't afford another baby) but I'm sad (because I want another baby). I can't begin to imagine how you are feeling but I know that if I was you I would be looking at every single little option to try to make it viable.

Can you start with a spreadsheet listing all of your income and expenditure and then create lots of tabs with different versions based on different circumstances. Work out how much money you need and then figure out how to get there.

I wish you good fortune and happiness. flowers

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