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This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

I'm 19 and pregnant

(22 Posts)
djurly Wed 15-Feb-17 23:27:56

I found this website a few minutes ago through google, and thought it might be a good place to get advice about my situation.

I'm 19 and a freshman in college, and I'm 3 or so weeks pregnant. I just found out about a week ago. My boyfriend (who I've been with for over 3 years) knows and is supportive of whatever decision I make.

I really don't think I'm prepared to be a mom at this point in my life. I've been on birth control for years but got off of it a month ago because the side effects were too much for me, and we used a condom but it was probably a bad one.

I also don't see how I could financially support a baby - I work a full time job in addition to going to school. I'm a youth cheer coach so my job requires a lot of physical activity, so I wouldn't be able to keep working if I kept the baby. My job pays a lot more than minimum wage so I wouldn't be able to replace my income with a different job.

I also don't have parents (I know that sounds weird) because I was in the foster care system my entire life until I was emancipated when I turned 17. So I wouldn't have that emotional/financial support. My boyfriend's family is really accepting of me and I go to all of their family events, etc. but I don't think it's the same as having my own family.

I guess right now I really think the best choice for me is to have an abortion but I feel really bad that that was such an "easy" decision for me to come to. I wanted to post here just to get some more opinions from objective people.

SallyInSweden Wed 15-Feb-17 23:30:56

I think if it has been an easy decision, you should go with that.
It is a sensible decision and you have nothing to feel bad/guilty/ashamed about

Notfastjustfurious Wed 15-Feb-17 23:37:58

It sounds like you've given this some thought. You were let down by contraception, it happens so don't beat yourself up about not wanting to keep the baby. Abortion isn't easy but neither is struggling to feed and support a child on your own.

djurly Wed 15-Feb-17 23:52:26

Thank you both for your replies. I just feel guilty because my boyfriend's family does have a lot of money so the baby COULD be supported financially, but I would still have to quit my job and the thought of freeloading off my boyfriend makes me really uncomfortable.

JoanofNark17 Wed 15-Feb-17 23:55:29

but I feel really bad that that was such an "easy" decision for me to come to

It's far too often painted like it has to be a difficult, traumatic decision (and process) when the research shows that more often it isn't. It's often a very easy decision, and its a sensible and responsible one.
Good luck with it all.

Valentine2 Wed 15-Feb-17 23:57:48

What does your boyfriend say about it? Is he fully supportive? If they are happy to go with it and happy to help you and your boyfriend (with a plan in place for the next few years), then may be it's doable?
I think it looks very very hard to be at a critical stage of your work/life and get pregnant accidentally. but if you have supportive partner and family network around, I think it's not undoable.
The best academic results of my whole career came when I was having my babies. It focuses your mind like nothing else because you know it's literally just the one chance you can get at it.

djurly Thu 16-Feb-17 00:32:32

My boyfriend doesn't want to be a dad but if I did decide to keep the baby he would be supportive.

We haven't told his family yet and probably won't unless I'm definitely keeping the baby, because they're pretty religious and would not be supportive of me getting an abortion.

I understand what you mean about being more focused on academics if you're having a kid, but I just don't see how I would be able to juggle being a full time student, working full time AND being a mother.

JoanofNark17 Thu 16-Feb-17 00:35:10

OP, just so you're counting properly, 3 weeks since conception is actually 5 weeks pregnant; you count from the first day of your last period. It might be important to know so you don't get caught out with cut off dates.

fizzybootlace Thu 16-Feb-17 00:50:36

It sounds like you have really thought about it and know what is right for you. FWIW I wouldn't have the baby. You have such a bright future and there will be plenty of time for a family when you are at a better stage of your life xx

RayofFuckingSunshine Thu 16-Feb-17 07:05:04

I had my first daughter at 19. It was tough. I had a lot of similar problems to what you're facing, but I made the decision to keep her. She is now 7 and we have a wonderful life, I can't imagine my life without her. But it was so much harder than even I expected.

I don't regret keeping my DD for one minute, but I wouldn't advise it as the best option for most 19 year olds and I certainly wouldn't want it for my daughter. Kids are hard, even harder when you don't have a good support network.

If you did choose to keep the baby, you would make it work. As a parent you just have no choice. But it's not an ideal, or even a pleasant, experience a lot of the time. If you have decided that an abortion is right for you and your circumstances then that is your choice and nobody should make be anything other than supportive.

Grindelwaldswand Thu 16-Feb-17 07:13:45

Its not just about money when it comes to having a child, you give up your social kife to a certain point and you end up exhausted emotionally and physically and then there's the choice of whether you can continue college with a baby to look after and do your job at the same time and be able to afford childcare ? And i hear the medical expenses of having a baby are astronomical in America sometimes exceeding $50,000 in most cases ? I think abortion would be best for you and that you chalk this up as a life lesson about contraption and carry on with what sounds like a very successful future

AliceThrewTheFookingGlass Thu 16-Feb-17 09:41:56

I had my first at 19 and whilst I love him fiercely and don't regret him at all I wish I had been older.

joan makes a good point, pregnancy is calculated from the first day of your last period, not from conception, so bear this in mind with regards to cutt of limits for abortion if that is the route you decide to take.

Only you can make this decision. It's hard but as long as you think about all your options carefully I'm sure you will make the right choice.

Valentine2 Thu 16-Feb-17 14:18:13

Oh it sounds so hard. sad
may be it's because of what I have faced through the last 15 years in my work and personal life but I felt if I had support, I would have my babies earlier and I know a few women who have done this. But they had the support system and I did not. They have teen children now while I am raising young kids. I think there is so much that can change.
Like someone here said, if you want to keep the baby, you will come out at the other end finally. But it's Going to be a longgn hard battle and I am almost sure you will loose your boy friend in it too. So you need o keep that in your mind. this is such a hard decision flowers

I had my daughter at 19 and, like the others, I don't regret it but it's been very difficult. I was in my second year of university and balancing studying with pregnancy and a newborn is very, very difficult. So much stress, so many tears, so many breakdowns and yelling "I can't do it!", it's really not to be gone into lightly.

Don't feel bad that the decision is an easy one for you. Plenty of women have terminations and don't feel guilt or sadness, just relief and the ability to get on with their lives. You shouldn't feel any guilt at all for deciding that this is the right option for you.

TwentyCups Thu 16-Feb-17 14:28:43

For some people it is an easy decision, don't feel guilty if it is for you. Long term maybe consider a copper coil - it's hormone free so might be w good option for you if you struggled with side effects before. It has side effects of heavier periods, you should discuss this with a doctor. They should be able to help you after the termination.

penguincrumble Thu 16-Feb-17 15:08:54

If you can get a pill instead of surgery it's a very easy process, physically at least. Emotionally it will be tough however sure you are. Good luck flowers

Matilda1981 Thu 16-Feb-17 18:23:00

I've very recently been in a situation where I found myself pregnant (I'm 35 and have two young children!) this was not at all planned was on the pill; it was an easy decision for me to end the pregnant due to my circumstances, I do have a supportive partner too. I had a termination with the pills and it was all ok - called bpas and they booked me in straight away for a consultation and treatment, had a chat with two nurses and a midwife and then took the pills, all very straightforward and it was just a slightly heavier period than normal and some stomach cramps but not much worse than a period. I was six weeks gone, I would recommend you get yourself booked in asap and they will go through your options the sooner the better if you do want to end the pregnancy.

tribpot Thu 16-Feb-17 18:27:37

I think OP is in the States so there may be more to the process of obtaining an abortion than would be the case here, even if the medical treatment is the same.

It sounds like this is the right decision for you, djurly, but I would make sure you and your boyfriend do explore the best contraception for you as a couple if you're struggling with the pill.

djurly Wed 22-Feb-17 03:09:12

Thank you all so much for your responses. I didn't expect this many people to reply at all.

I have a preliminary appointment next week with my local Planned Parenthood to schedule an abortion (I'm most likely doing it with a pill and not surgically). I really think this is the best option for me currently.

I'm going back on the pill asap also. I was on it for years but stopped due to side effects, but those side effects are better than the possibility of having to go through getting pregnant accidentally again.

djurly Wed 08-Mar-17 18:53:05

Hi everyone, I just wanted to post a little update. I ended up having an abortion. I was really scared that I would feel guilty and bad emotionally afterwards, but I just feel relieved. I can't imagine being a mom at this stage of my life, and I know I made the right decision for me. Thank you for everyone who gave me advice.

KingIrving Thu 16-Mar-17 22:55:33

Thank you for coming back and updating.
I am glad for you. All the best flowers

MusicToMyEars800 Thu 16-Mar-17 23:02:09

I was just about to post and say do whatever is the best for yourself, but I've just ready your update, abortion isn't easy I had one when I was 16, but it's something that you felt you had to do, have you thought about the implant or coil? it saves you from having to remember the pill everyday and you are protected for 3 yrs with the implant and 5 years with the coil.

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