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This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

Partner wants me to Abort and I know I can't go through with it.

(24 Posts)
flappyalice Tue 31-Jan-17 15:03:08

I'm 6/7 weeks pregnant with my 4th. I have a 16yo, 12yo and an 11yo from a previous relationship, they see their dad at weekends etc and all is pretty amicable there. I'm 35. I've been with my current partner for 2 years now, he's 44, lives away and enjoys his freedom.. likes living alone and has always stated catagoricaly he doesn't want kids. That's fine. I didn't want anymore either, until I found out I was pregnant last week. I feel guilty because I took my pill a few days late over xmas and was sick a few times. So here we are and it's all my fault. Me and my partner saw each other at the weekend and he blew his top. This is my fault and he doesn't want children. I've got to have an abortion or he'll never see me again etc. Jesus, at one stage he even threatened to Kill himself. I told him I'd have a surgical abortion, while in floods of tears, mainly to calm him down as he's scary when he's angry. Now I'm back at home with my kids while he's sat at home assuming I'm off to get rid of the 'bunch of cells' as he calls it, hasn't mentioned it since we argued and just thinks I'll get on with it I suppose. I'm stupid to think it's a baby already apparently. I told him I really don't want to have an abortion but he doesn't seem to be bothered about the way I feel.
I know I can't get rid of this baby, I couldn't live with myself I don't think, well I know I couldn't. I had my first child at 18 and couldn't abort then(ran out of a waiting room) so I know I can't now. I'm happy being a mum, being on my own with my 3 is fine. But I'm hardly bringing a child into the word in the best of circumstances either. I had 3 c/cections with my previous children and I'm not sure how I'll cope physically with a 4th. Then there's money etc to worry about.
I'm going to see the Dr today, the one I went to see last week was useless and basically just told me to make a midwife appointment at 10weeks. I haven't told any family yet, suppose it's a bit early anyway but I'm just struggling with all of this on my own.
I know I have to tell him I can't face abortion but I'm so scared to do that and then bring a child into this mess.
Sorry to rant, I just need some advice.

PaintingOwls Tue 31-Jan-17 15:20:11

I've got to have an abortion or he'll never see me again etc.

Oh my love you'll never see him again even if you do have an abortion.

I think you know the drill by now. Take care of yourself, make your midwife appointments and get some good antenatal care.

You obviously want to progress with the pregnancy so prepare to do this yourself. Start saving as much money as you can now and tell him you are keeping the baby and won't talk to him until he is calm and rational.

Is your eldest going to go to university or anything like that?

gamerchick Tue 31-Jan-17 15:26:45

I think this relationship is over whether you terminate or not. You'll never look at him the same way again either way.

You need to decide for you and it doesn't sound as if you want to terminate. flowers

Ilovecaindingle Tue 31-Jan-17 15:29:35

Tell him you are sorry he doesn't want the baby but that you do. .
Don't let this bully guilt trip you into having an abortion either. .
If he doesn't want to be a father he still needs to support the baby financially.
Your kids will be a great support to you I am sure.

Girliefriendlikesflowers Tue 31-Jan-17 15:30:54

he's scary when he's angry says it all.

Leave him, keep the baby.

flappyalice Tue 31-Jan-17 16:09:04

Thank you everyone.. I think I just needed to hear some positive thoughts x

ImYourMama Tue 31-Jan-17 16:13:09

You're a strong woman, you already have 3 DCs, if you want to make it 4, then do it. YOU CAN DO THIS!

Your STBXDP is a wanker and a manipulator- threatening to kill him self over something like this is evil. You don't need him, it takes 2 people to make a baby so he's just as guilty as you.

Make the right decision for you, no one elseflowers

sashh Tue 31-Jan-17 16:18:03

Dump him.

This is your body and your choice whether to have a baby or not.

If he was so sure he didn't want one then he should have put a condom on.

If he kills himself - well the baby will inherit his money and you won't need to chase him through the courts.

Dilligaf81 Tue 31-Jan-17 16:23:02

You know in your heart what you want to do and all the other details can be sorted.
If he makes you scared than the relationship isnt going to last plus sounds a bit like he likes to have his cake and eat it.
Ive got 4dc and had them in 5 years so t least you have built in babysitters with your older 3 😉
Do you have any rl friends to support you as its going to be hard dealing with him and you need a good friend. Good luck and congratulations.

flappyalice Tue 31-Jan-17 16:23:41

Thank you Paintingowls smile my eldest is doing her GCSE's currently and is hoping to get into 6th form afterwards. I know my kids would be happy to have a little bro or sis, there's lots of little ones in the family and they're Brilliant with them. I know they'll be upset I'm on my own too. I'll have to explain why I'll be alone having this baby which will be tough.

228agreenend Tue 31-Jan-17 16:25:29

Do what best for you.

2014newme Tue 31-Jan-17 16:27:52

He's awful. If you have the baby you are tied to him for ever more.
I would dump him but I would also terminate the pregnancy. You ma nit have been able to do it at 18 but you have a lot more likely few experience now. It seems unwise to gave a baby with this guy.
However you also say you didn't take your pills so perhaps deep down you do want to have another child?

EweAreHere Tue 31-Jan-17 16:32:16

I hope your relationship with him is over no matter what you choose.

And it is your choice.

He sounds horrible. Happy to put all the burden of contraception on you, then being cruel, nasty and threatening when it fails. If he truly doesn't want children, he should also be using a condom or have had a vasectomy, or not be engaging in sex.

If you want the baby, make sure you don't tell him in person if you're alone. Have another adult there with you. Have all his stuff ready to be taken away from your home if he has any there.

Tell him you'll let him know when the baby is born.

languagelearner Tue 31-Jan-17 16:38:36

Too late, he should have thought about it earlier (before).

flappyalice Tue 31-Jan-17 16:42:09

I took my pills. I meant I usually take them at at the same time everyday but with the children being off school I was out of my routine so was taking them later on in the day or in the evening. Plus, I had a few hangovers 🙈 Over xmas and threw up a couple of times. I know I should be more organised taking my pills at the same time everyday. I preferred the coil but had complications with that. I'm feeling majorly guilty about this because I realise this is the reason I'm pregnant... that and self inflicted, puking while hungover 😣

TimidLividyetagain Tue 31-Jan-17 19:45:03

Just break up with him and don't speak to him about it. No one can make you have an abortion you don't want. You sound happy to be a parent and you can do this.

Lostmyemailaddress Tue 31-Jan-17 19:53:55

I had similar with my ex twice. Both times I've kept the baby and he is my ex. You have to make the choice for you and no one else if you feel you can't go through with a termination then please don't.

BertrandRussell Tue 31-Jan-17 19:57:08

Whatever you decide to do, you absolutely must not stay with someone who is "scary when he's angry"

gamerchick Tue 31-Jan-17 20:25:22

OP don't go blaming yourself. A man who does not want a baby doesn't trust female contraception 100% he uses a condom to make sure. Responsibility!

DameDeDoubtance Tue 31-Jan-17 21:05:57

To be honest the relationship is over after his abhorrent behaviour. If he was so appalled by the idea of children then he should have taken responsibility and worn a condom instead of making you solely responsible. You are strong enough to be a mother again, don't contact him, focus on yourself.

flappyalice Wed 01-Feb-17 13:01:49

Thank you all for your kind replies. The relationship is indeed now over. Tried to talk to him again. Went horribly wrong, tried to tell him accidents can happen on the pill, it's not 100% reliable and if he was that bothered about not having children he should've had the snip (talked about it before,he said it'd be too painful) or he should've worn a condom to be doubly safe. (I'm doing you a favour taking on your 3 kids I don't want another was another line he used) Glad to be rid of such a control freak regardless of pregnancy. It was about time I stood up for myself. I think the final straw was 'is this what our relationship's going to be like now, all doom and gloom' as I was trying to explain how stressed and torn I felt.
Safe to say he's put me off men for life.

Somerville Wed 01-Feb-17 13:07:19

Good on you for ditching him once he revealed his true colours.

What a bastard for saying that about doing you a favour by 'taking on' your other children.

There are good un's out there but no-one could blame you for being wary after this.

You've got a bit of time to decide about your pregnancy now, if you haven't already.

Orlandointhewilderness Wed 01-Feb-17 13:08:07

Good gracious he sounds awful OP.
I think you know what you need to do. You can do this you know, it will sort out and you want to keep this baby.

What a twat!

DameDeDoubtance Wed 01-Feb-17 17:07:46

He is only interested in his own needs and would make an appalling father, good riddance. Look after yourself now. flowers

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