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This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

My 15 year old daughter had medical abortion today.

(31 Posts)
Cookie19783 Thu 19-Jan-17 23:54:37

my daughter told me she was pregnant 2 weeks ago. Right from the start she was adamant she wanted to have an abortion. So i have respected her wishes and am trying to support her the best i can. Just wanted her to know that i was not forcing her to have a termination but she has told me she 100% wanted the termination. I know what its like to have an unplanned pregnancy having my 3rd child 3 years ago my husband dint want us to keep but i couldn't bring myself to terminate. But then i am in my late 30s not 15. I know she is far to young to have a baby. She also suffers for anxiety and dont think she would cope well with the birth and raising a child. So i know it is for the best. I am just worried sick about the next part. We have to go back in 2 days so she can get the second lot of pills. worried about the long term affect on her mental health. Its probably just a mum think cause at the moment she seems ok considering. She is still with her boyfriend who is 18. My husband has baned him from the house but said he can come round when he was not in. Think its just a protective dad thing. He has told her he would stand by her no matter what she choose to do. Seems to be supporting her. But he is off to join the army in a few weeks. Just worried how she will cope wen he goes.

KanyesVest Fri 20-Jan-17 00:03:26

flowers for you and your daughter. Sounds like you're doing all you can in a very difficult time. Mind yourself too.

Carollocking Fri 20-Jan-17 00:04:16

Shouldn't he be going to prison and not the army

Cookie19783 Fri 20-Jan-17 00:12:14

I dont think that would really help she is almost 16 hes just turned 18. There is just over 2 years of an age gap. Just worried about the next appointment.

Cookie19783 Fri 20-Jan-17 00:13:20

Thank you. Its hard cause she doesn't want anyone knowing. So feel i cant really tell anyone

OccasionalNachos Fri 20-Jan-17 00:13:41

Shouldn't he be going to prison and not the army hmm

You sound like you are looking after her well, OP. Ultimately the effect on her mental health is difficult to predict; an unplanned pregnancy and birth at 15, with added anxiety, may well not have positive mental health outcomes either.

Always ensure she can talk about her feelings, whether that's to you or perhaps to a counsellor or similar, if that is suitable.

SuburbanRhonda Fri 20-Jan-17 00:13:56

Shouldn't he be going to prison and not the army

Are you always this helpful?

NoraDora Fri 20-Jan-17 00:17:36

Cookie you sound a wonderful mum. No advice for you apart from keep listening to your daughter.

Pinkapple47 Fri 20-Jan-17 00:26:28

Very helpful Carolhmm
Op, I was in an almost identical situation as your daughter. She is imo brave and mature in realising she's not ready for this. Be kind to yourself and to her and remind her this was the right decision for her at the time.
Short term and practical advice, stay close to home or somewhere comfortable after the next lot of tablets, it can be (and was for me) extremly painful, keep lots of pads and painfukillers on hand for dd. Discuss long term contraception so this doesn't happen again.
flowers

HoHumming Fri 20-Jan-17 00:28:28

You sound very supportive. Do they offer any sort of counselling in the clinic? I think it should be compulsory for everyone to do some form of counselling to limit any guilt or even regret emotions.

I haven't had an abortion but did consider it at one time. I read a lot of people's experiences and the majority felt relief and not regret. There was a thread on here some time ago from a woman whose husband could not get a visa to the UK and she did not feel able to bring up another child on her own. She went through so many emotions before proceeding with the abortion, it is worth searching for the thread as she got a lot of great advice from people who had been through it.

I know you have probably already thought of this but it is worth having her talk to someone about long term contraception such as the mirena.

I hope it all goes well for all of you and your daughter has made the best decision for her.

doubleristretto Fri 20-Jan-17 00:28:31

Can you get her an injection or an implant or whatever is best these days to make sure it doesn't happen again? Well done for looking after her, you sound like a great mum flowers I hope she is ok. There's no need for it really to be a big thing if you don't treat it as such, she's so young, she just needs to move on.

Carollocking Fri 20-Jan-17 00:38:12

It's not a matter of helpful the fact is she's a child he's an adult (paedophile) the law is the law and if one occasion is condoned why have a law to protect children

38cody Fri 20-Jan-17 00:41:18

Shouldn't he be going to prison and not the army

They are nearly the same age - a couple of kids who made a mistake. FFS how would you like your son to be labelled some kind of sexual pervert at 18? Were you never young and in love or have you always been so judgemental and sanctimonious ?

Motherfuckers Fri 20-Jan-17 00:43:12

I think you are doing an excellent job supporting her and this will help her with her decision. I had a termination in my teens and never felt anything other than relief. I went off travelling a few months later and then to university. I would not have been able to do this and many other things if I hadn't had a termination. Ignore Carollocking, they are behaving like a twat.

kormachameleon Fri 20-Jan-17 00:43:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cookie19783 Fri 20-Jan-17 00:44:23

Yes they did offer counselling but she refused. I do think it should be compulsory but its optional. She was told by the family planning that she could go through the whole procedure without telling me but they encouraged her to tell me. They also discussed contraception although she says she is never doing it again. Just wished she had of come to me first and she could of been on contraception. She says the condom split dont know if she is just saying that. Hope she doesn't feel regret and from reading posts i think mine and her dads reaction is what will cause the long term damage. Her dad is not quite as understanding. Hes been quite hard on her. Just wish this was over.

Carollocking Fri 20-Jan-17 00:47:32

It's not the point I make the law was made to protect children and no matter how u look she's a child and he's an adult,whether it's a the way you look upon it or not it's fact.
Otherwise why bother have the law, would you argue it's ok if he was 18 and she was say 14 or 13 ?

Motherfuckers Fri 20-Jan-17 00:49:21

Paedophilia is a psychiatric disorder where adults are sexually attracted to pre-pubescent children. He just turned 18, she is about to turn 16, what would the police do?

Pinkapple47 Fri 20-Jan-17 00:50:15

But she isn't 13? hmmconfused

Cookie19783 Fri 20-Jan-17 00:51:20

Carol the law is the only person who can press charges is the parent. You then have to prove sex did occur which is extremely difficult to prove. He has been 18 for 3 weeks so was 17 at point of conception not an adult. There is just over 2 years between them. That is not the issue here.

HoHumming Fri 20-Jan-17 00:51:36

I wouldn't accept her saying she is never doing it again, especially if her b/f is about to leave her to join the army. I would insist on long term contraception tbh.

It is all so recent. Her Dad will hopefully support her when he gets his head around it. He has already said her b/f can call to the house if he isn't there. That, to me, is more than reasonable given the current situation.

I think if you continue to support her, then you are reducing the 'long term damage' as much as someone can do. Your daughter also has to accept that her Dad is disappointed and upset both by her and for her.

helterskelter99 Fri 20-Jan-17 00:52:03

She's made the best decision for her at the time and she should never think anything different however she may have to mentally repeat this as there will no doubt be a period when people who have never been in that situation try and make a point of saying abortion is wrong etc etc which can be tough but my stock answer is always you never had to make that decision then don't judge those that have xx

SparkleShinyGlitter Fri 20-Jan-17 00:56:32

Poor little thing. I've never been in that position but I imagine it's a tough decision to make even for an adult but for one so young it must be tough for her.

It sounds like in some ways she is a sensible girl I mean she did go to the family planning place and then tell you, a lot of young girls would of ignored it.
Hopefully with the support you've given her she will be ok and I'm sure she can have counselling at a later date in she requires it. There is no way of knowing what effect if any it will have on her mental health, only time will tell.

Not now in the next few months maybe make sure you buy some condoms and leave in her room for if ever needed and if you can have a talk about protecting herself in future not only from pregnancy but std as well. That's something for down the line though.

I can see why your DH won't have the boy in the house as I think my reaction would be the same if I'm honest, I know it's only 2 years but she is still legally a child and it wouldn't sit right with me.

You keep doing what your doing op 💐

WhereTheFuckIsMyFuckingCoat Fri 20-Jan-17 00:59:49

It sounds like you're doing everything you can, and I think your husband will come to terms with the situation. He will just be angry and upset for his little girl just now.

Do they plan on trying to continue the relationship when he leaves for the army? Will he be stationed far away? That could be emotionally difficult for your daughter, so she's going to need your ongoing support, but it sounds like you're more than capable and willing to do that. It must be so hard for you too. I don't have girls, and my sons aren't quite at this stage yet, but I'm not looking forward to counselling them through teenage relationships.

As an aside carollking, look up the definition of paedophile please before bandying the word about. hmm It is highly unlikely that the police would take any action in these circumstances, and yes, I do know what I'm talking about.

jemmstar1980 Fri 20-Jan-17 01:02:53

You sound like a lovely mum, and being very supportive. having made the decision at 19 to have an abortion myself I would just personally say that she may feel that she needs counselling in the future and that's okay, even if she doesn't want it right now, and leave it that she can come to you if she ever feels like that. I do agree it should be compulsory.

Is there anyway you could ask her dad to be a bit more understanding, it must have been scary for her to have to tell you.

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