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This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

Don't want baby but too late

(110 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

Theradioandthetv Wed 18-Jan-17 21:50:38

I dont know what to do and how to do it.
Months ago I was set on not having this baby but I felt forced by midwife and DH to keep it, they kept saying it was antenatal depression and so on.
I am 37 weeks now I dont want it. I feel nothing by hate and resentment towards it.
I feel sick when it moves.
I am exhausted and sore, I cant do anything and I dont want it inside my body.
DH was supportive but now he is ignoring me because he knows it is too late for me to terminate and I am forced to have it.

Can I give it up at the hospital? I know DH will leave me but I cant have it. It already has and will ruin our marriage and I wish I could go back.

I am so hoping something goes wrong and I lose it naturally. It is all statistics and so many stillbirths I hope it is me and not some deserving and loving mum.

What are my options??? How do I give it up? Or should I just leave DH aftet the birth??

I so wish I could go back in time and have my body and my life back.

Not fair on the child knowing he was never loved and nothing but a huge mistake, I was told I wasnt going to be able to have children

namechangedjustforthis Wed 18-Jan-17 21:55:14

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IThinkIJustShatMyself Wed 18-Jan-17 21:55:33

Hi radio, I didn't want to read and run. I'm so sorry you feel like this. I'm sorry I can't offer you any advice, but it is possible to relinquish a baby at the hospital.

corambaaf.org.uk/info/pregnant This website might help you? X

DrizzleHair Wed 18-Jan-17 21:57:11

I have nothing useful to say but you sound in turmoil. I hope the whole situation works out for the best flowers

GummyGoddess Wed 18-Jan-17 22:05:41

flowers I think you need to inform midwives of this so they can best support you in labour (or cs), especially if you choose to do it alone. I feel huge sympathy for you but it is not the fault of the baby and it does not deserve your resentment.

I wish you the best of luck and hope things work out as well as possible.

Theradioandthetv Wed 18-Jan-17 22:08:17

"It's disgusting hoping your baby will die! " I posted this on Pregnancy Choices, maybe you shouldnt look in here.
Dont you think I already know that it is awful? I know this.
DH wants the baby because he thinks we will be a family but we wont because I will leave him. And that will ruin his life. He works 2 jobs with bad hours (day and night) so he wont be able to cope on his own.
How can I do that to him?

I think thank you for website will have a look

drizzle thanks for kind words

AnnieAnoniMouse Wed 18-Jan-17 22:12:04

💐😢. It must be an awful & scary way to feel. I can't even imagine it, I read your title and wanted to say 'Please give him/her to me', I don't understand how you feel at all, but I do feel awful for you feeling like that.

Your DH & your midwife were both out of line, convincing you to keep a baby you never planned to have, never thought you could have & didn't want.

However, it's done now and all you can do is go forward, you can't go back.

Your husband - he's ignoring you because he knows it's too late for a termination?! There's no going back from that, I'd say your relationship is over. Well, it would be if I was you.

The baby - it's not unusual to feel a milder version of this around 37 weeks, when the total realisation hits home that you're about to be responsible for another, very tiny, human being.

Do you have a friend or relative that you can talk to, someone you can trust to be there for you? Please try to find someone who is totally on your side.

When the baby comes your hormones will get yet another big change up, you might feel the same or you might feel very different. If itbwere me I'd go through the motions for as long as possible...see if you come to feel differently about your baby. Not everyone feels an instant rush if love, not even when the baby is longed for, so it might take some time to bond.

Don't think 'forever' think 'for now' - you can always give 'H' sole care if you really want to.

My heart goes out to you, take care 💐

cherrycrumblecustard Wed 18-Jan-17 22:12:07

Not your fault radio, it sounds as if you were steered into a situation you didn't want and I just hope it somehow resolves itself for you. It does sound like it could be depression but perhaps some form of psychosis xx

Theradioandthetv Wed 18-Jan-17 22:12:10

Thank you gummy
Do you mean midwives at the hospital when it arrives? My midwife was very pushy to keep it and didnt give me options last time so I dont think she will help this time, all she did was force me to see the GP and asked him to give me antidepressants but when I saw him he didnt as he didnt think I needed them.
So I think she manipulated me a bit and wont help me this time.

Not sure who else to talk to

waitingimpatient Wed 18-Jan-17 22:12:36

OP ignore the unhelpful post. You have done absolutely the right thing by seeking advice and support.
Do you have someone in rl you can talk to? A friend or relative? Midwife or GP?
It's not normal to feel this way and there are people who can help you come to a decision that is right for you and help you to feel better
Xx

notangelinajolie Wed 18-Jan-17 22:12:37

There are many single parent fathers, it is not unusual for a child to live with it's father. Your husband can have full custody of your son. The midwives will support you in whatever you decide to do.

crazycravings Wed 18-Jan-17 22:12:40

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

christinarossetti Wed 18-Jan-17 22:13:24

You need to speak with your midwife and GP and get referred for urgent counselling to talk through this awful situation.

Don'take any major decisions at the moment, but doake sure that HCP s know what you:re going through.

Best wishes to you.

INeedNewShoes Wed 18-Jan-17 22:13:37

namechanged - please engage your brain. Whatever the situation here the OP clearly needs support.

radio - please talk to your midwife about this. You need proper support and believe me when I say you will not be the first woman the midwives have looked after in this situation. They will be able to discuss your options with you.

Please take care of yourself flowers

EvieSparkles0x Wed 18-Jan-17 22:14:40

You need serious support possibly so from social services. You are clearly not coping at all and you DH does not seem from the limited information you have provided to have the capacity to help you. Let's face it not many people would know how to deal with how you are feeling.

Please contact social as soon as possible explaining everything you are feeling. Also speak to your midwife without your DH there so you can be open and honest, as it does sound like you have severe AND.

If you truly don't want the baby, involving SS will mean you don't have to worry about arranging alternative care arrangements but that baby needs to be looked after. Can you give your husband full custody and remove yourself from the baby's home when they are born. Please stop referring to them as "it".

Poor baby, poor you sad

AnnieAnoniMouse Wed 18-Jan-17 22:15:03

YOU are NOT doing this to him. HE is doing this to you. YOU didn't want to have a baby, HE convinced you not to terminate.

If you walk away he will have to sort it out, like every other single parent in the world.

clumsyduck Wed 18-Jan-17 22:15:04

Hey op I'm assuming by what you said you didn't think you could get pregnant now have and feel trapped . There are many people out there desperate for a baby who would give him or her a loving home . As ithink has posted , so please take a look at that. You need to sit dh down first though and explain you will not be a family and he will do this alone but he deserves the chance to do that if its what he wants its his baby too. I'm sorry you have ended up in this position but please don't resent the baby it is innocent in all this and hopefully whatever you choose you will make choices to give him or her the best start in life . Good luck flowers

Blossomdeary Wed 18-Jan-17 22:15:22

This is quite an extreme view and I suspect that there is an element of antenatal depression that you are contending with - not wanting the baby with such vehemence can be one of the symptoms.

However, if you are clear that you wish not to be a mother, then you firstly need to offer your OH the possibility of parenting this child on his own. If he does not feel he can take this on, then you can explore the option of adoption. There is no shortage of would-be adopters and you might find comfort in the idea that you have made an infertile couple very happy. Contact your local Social Services Dept and they can advise you about adoption.

This child deserves a planned and positive decision about his/her future.

waitingimpatient Wed 18-Jan-17 22:15:27

There is something called ante natal depression ....for all the unhelpful posters why make comments like why the hell become pregnant ?? ANY one of us could ttc and get pregnant with the best intentions and assume all will be well and then be struck down with depression or anxiety.
Comments like that don't help

Pinotwoman82 Wed 18-Jan-17 22:16:03

I can't really give you any useful advice, however when you see your baby you may fall instantly in love with him, it's totally different when they are here.

INeedNewShoes Wed 18-Jan-17 22:16:35

Cross-post. If your assigned midwife is no use, you could request to speak to another member of the antenatal team at your hospital.

You do need support; not necessarily someone to change your mind, but to ensure that you are making informed decisions and that you are receiving the care you need and support if you do decide to give up the baby.

Theradioandthetv Wed 18-Jan-17 22:17:35

annie DH is a good person and he believed that I was just depressed and will pass. He wants the baby so he is hurt when i tell him I dont. He is a good man but will never forgive me for leaving obviously. I love him.
I dont really have anyone in RL to talk to. All the family too happy about the baby and my friends... The only 2 I could talk to are having fertility problems and it wouldn't be fair would it?

Thanks cherry I dont know... I know it is too much.
I have a terrible urge to start punching my bump and fighting so hard not to.
I know these are horrible things to say but I wish I didn't feel them

namechangedjustforthis Wed 18-Jan-17 22:17:48

I'm sure he will get over you leaving far easier than what you wish would happen. Losing a baby is something you never ever get over. And I'm saying that as someone who has lost 8 babies. But never mind you are sore and tired. Will be so much better if baby just does you a favour an dies?! I didn't specifically look in here it was in active conversations.

waitingimpatient Wed 18-Jan-17 22:19:20

Could you go to the maternity unit ? I wonder if they may be able to help as there will be doctors and midwives there. If you feel you may harm yourself or your baby it would be the safest place

incogKNEEto Wed 18-Jan-17 22:20:54

Did you read the op crazy? It clearly states the op was told she couldn't have children...

I don't have any advice for you Radio, but please know that how you are feeling is not 'abnormal', just unusual, and could be a result of antenatal depression, which could have been caused by the unexpected nature, shock and distress of your situation. I agree with Annie that you need to find someone you trust, who is on your side, to talk to. You may feel different when the baby arrives, and if you don't then there are options. Take care x

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