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This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

abortion - feeling torn

(14 Posts)
pukkapickle Sun 15-Jan-17 16:58:10

I almost didn't post this but haven't got anybody in RL that I want to share it with.... not really sure what I'm looking for here - just female advice and a hand hold really.
If you're totally against abortion - please don't attack. I feel awful enough sad

My partner and I have been together nearly 3 years - he has two children already.
We are in the process of trying to buy a house (live in a tiny place) and organise our wedding! We have lots of debts to pay off.
We were talking the other day about how great it'll be to get on our feet money wise, get married and then in the future, have a family of our own.

Then bam - I find myself 4 weeks pregnant. I've been taking the pill and am unsure how this has happened.

We've talked and talked - his honest wish is that we get ourselves sorted financially and wait til we feel ready (which we don't at the moment at all)
I do understand his wishes but the thought of abortion is difficult to stomach. He has however made it very clear that he would be by my side either way.

One minute I've made my mind up, then I'm an emotional wreck the next and have no idea what to do.
I have an appointment next week to discuss with a doctor.

Can relationships survive termination? Would we come to regret it is what I worry about. Or if I keep it when we aren't ready, would it destroy us eventually as a couple.

I wish somebody could wave a magic wand right now sad

MollyHuaCha Sun 15-Jan-17 17:05:33

flowers Hand here. Babies don't always come along at the right time. At the moment, you are in shock, so before you do anything that can't be reversed, sit down and see whether this could actually work for you. And I f you decide to terminate, you would still have my hand to hold and 100% full support. But time is not on you side. So work through this together and decide what can work. Wishing you both strength to make your decision. x

pukkapickle Sun 15-Jan-17 17:11:47

Thank you Molly, really kind x

Slightlyperturbedowlagain Sun 15-Jan-17 17:19:05

Hand here. Hard choice, either way no one has a crystal ball sadly to tell you whether either a baby too soon or a termination will break you or build you as a couple. IME even long-wanted babies can feel like they have come at the 'wrong' time financially!
In this sort of situation I tend to sit and work out what I would do for either choice- if you keep them how could you arrange finances, practicalities etc? If not, how long would you expect to wait before trying again? Is it really that far off anyway? What are each of your pre-existing general feelings about termination (e.g. What would your gut reaction be if you heard close friends had terminated?)
These considerations and discussions might help you work out how you feel and may help. I would also recommend that you use a clinic that provides proper neutral counselling quickly and before you take the final decision. All the best flowers

pukkapickle Sun 15-Jan-17 17:38:28

Some great advice Slightly - thank you. Ive got a lot of very hard thinking to do.
Never thought at Christmas that I'd be in this situation in the new year x

Zippidydoodah Sun 15-Jan-17 17:58:57

I apologise got the quick response, but to me your op is suggesting that you don't want to terminate, deep down. It can't be undone.

I have had a termination for all the right reasons but I still never stop thinking of the baby we could have had.

If there's any tiny shred of doubt, don't do it.

flowers this was the hardest decision I've ever had to make.

FabulouslyGlamourousFerret Sun 15-Jan-17 18:01:02

There don't seem any glaringly obvious reasons NOT to continue with the pregnancy, of course that doesn't mean that should if you really don't want to but are you sure this isn't just a knee jerk reaction?

I have (2 that I can think off from the top of my head) friends who have had terminations, it's not been a huge deal to any of them (other than at the time) and they have gone on to have families later in life quite happily and aren't emotionally traumatised by it.

It's unlikely (very) that you will regret keeping the baby though wink

That was a very neither here nor there post wasn't it! Good luck 💐

pukkapickle Sun 15-Jan-17 18:28:42

I'm very pleasantly surprised by the great advice I've been given and I'm very grateful for it at this awfully difficult time.
Thank you all so much.
I was thinking myself, Zippidy, that my post read back to myself does make it seem quite clear that I'm not wanting to terminate deep down.
Such a difficult decision x

Slightlyperturbedowlagain Sun 15-Jan-17 20:39:51

I do think that you should give yourself the final say. Realistically none of us know for absolute certain whether we will be in a relationship forever- separation or death can and do happen to anyone. But we do have to live with ourselves forever, so don't be pressured (even gently and with the best intentions) either way.

pukkapickle Mon 16-Jan-17 08:48:05

I think I've made my mind up. Thank you all so much - really appreciate you taking the time to reply x

MollyHuaCha Mon 16-Jan-17 15:59:51


UnbornMortificado Mon 16-Jan-17 16:08:21

Pukka I don't think there is ever a "perfect" time to get pregnant.

It is of course your body and choice. You sound a bit (understandably) conflicted. Some RL impartial advice might help. I wish you luck with whatever you choose flowers

Slightlyperturbedowlagain Mon 16-Jan-17 20:19:45

All the best Pukka

BearGryllsHasaBigRope Mon 16-Jan-17 20:25:58

You really have to be as close to 100% as you can be to make the decision to terminate a pregnancy. Like zippy, I chose to have an abortion a long time ago now. It was absolutely the right thing to do at the time. In fact I was relieved when it was all over and I have no regrets but I do still think of it, and what could have been. I can't imagine how hard it would be to look back on a termination if you hadn't been certain it was the right thing to do.
Whatever you decide, it has to be the right decision for you. Not your partner, just you. I wish you all the best flowers

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