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This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

5th baby, planned but big change in circs...

(12 Posts)
Ohcrikeyherewego Tue 10-Jan-17 16:27:01

Nc for this as it's outing.

Dh & I had the discussion about trying for dc5 in the Autumn. He wasn't opposed to the idea of 5 so we agreed we'd start trying October/November time.

We had unprotected sex once in early November, in theory just before my fertile window. The next day my dad told us he had been given an urgent referral to Oncology & that it was highly likely the same cancer he had 12 years ago had returned. We decided that night that we would put ttc on hold at least until we knew the diagnosis (he lives alone & I'm an only child so we'll help him as much as we can).

To be totally honest I put it all to the back of my mind. A couple of days before my period was due I had a d&v bug so when my period only lasted 2 days & was v light I put it down to being ill. We found out between Christmas and new year my dad does indeed have cancer again & he'll be starting treatment this Friday. I found out last Thursday I'm pregnant, I was referred for a scan (history of ectopic pregnancies in the family) & I'm now roughly 10 weeks.

I really don't know what to do & neither does dh, on the one hand this baby, at the point we had sex, was wanted but so much has changed...I know there's every chance dad will recover but the next few months are going to be stressful & hard for us & confusing for our 4 existing dc, the older 2 particularly enjoy spending time with their grandad. I'm just so confused. I don't even know what the point of this post is really.

pinklips Tue 10-Jan-17 19:02:33

I'm sorry for everything that has happened since you were ttc. It isn't unusual for people to ttc and then change their mind due to a change in circumstances only to get caught out anyway.

I'm also pregnant with my 5th. Unplanned and stupidly my fault! I have an appointment with BPAS booked for Saturday. My mind sways 100 times a day.

You need to think about your options:
1) keep the baby
2) have an abortion
3) which is adoption. I don't know many people that consider that but there is that option too

Then think how you would feel if you went through with each option. List your reasons why you would choose each option and it may clear your head.

I know how you feel, you just wish you could turn back time or the decision to be taken out of your hands.

Please continue to write and I'll try and help as best I can. You never know. We may help each other. Sorry about your dad's bad news. I hope he fights it!

MummysMaison Tue 10-Jan-17 19:04:29

Maybe this baby is just what you all need and an excellent focus for your dad and something to all look forward to together? X

Ilovecaindingle Tue 10-Jan-17 19:07:56

Something happy to focus on and give df some happy times supporting you in your pregnancy. .
Sorry about your df but congratulations on number 5

Ohcrikeyherewego Wed 11-Jan-17 21:16:12

Thank you all for your replies! Sorry this has taken a while.

Pinklips I'm sorry you're dealing with this too. I had moments of panic with dc3 & 4 too but they were very fleeting...

I don't think it helps that 5 is a lot, that probably sound daft. There's so much judgement when you get to 3 & more angry

I think it's suddenly so much all at once.

The epau midwife who I know from my older dc has areanged for a telephone counselling session for me tomorrow to try help me.

Thank you for the well wishes for my dad, his Oncologist is confident he'll get him through it again.

shinynewusername Wed 11-Jan-17 21:24:42

I don't for a moment want to minimise the stress and anxiety of what you are going through with your DF (I've been there), but are you sure you want to consider terminating because of it? I am very strongly pro-choice but what stands out for me is that this is a wanted baby and you are considering terminating because of circumstances that - although extremely stressful - are temporary. Hopefully your DF will recover and, even if the worse happens, it will still be a relatively short (though very painful) part of your life. If you want this baby, but have a termination because of your DF's illness, you might be looking back in a few years when all this is behind you with a lot of regret.

Ohcrikeyherewego Wed 11-Jan-17 21:39:18

It's all the other bits that will come with the pregnacy that are seeming overwhelming shiny. I'm high risk & I don't have particularly easy pregnancies, not that anyone really does. I think it's the fear of having another premature baby again while he's ill. My mil was critically ill when I 1st went in to labour with my prem baby and died shortly before he was born while I know my df is hopefully going to make a full recovery the thought of having to go through something similar is really worrying me.

pinklips Wed 11-Jan-17 23:45:52

I'm sure if you are open and honest at your counselling session it will really benefit you. Hopefully the health care team can put your mind at rest but either way I know you must be gutted about not being excited about this pregnancy. I know I am :-(

Ohcrikeyherewego Thu 12-Jan-17 07:22:34

I think that's it to be honest pink my reaction is so far from what I expected that it's confused me.

How are you doing?

pinklips Thu 12-Jan-17 14:32:47

I'm in limbo. I have my appointment on Saturday and I'm looking forward to talking it through. I just wish I knew what I wanted. I don't feel excited or happy like I did with my others and that feels awful.

Ohcrikeyherewego Sat 14-Jan-17 08:45:41

I hope today helps you pink umnet hugs flowers

Popskipiekin Sun 15-Jan-17 22:38:53

Sorry you're going through this - how do you feel after your appointment yesterday?
Wanted to share that I found out we were pregnant with DC2 a month before my father had a serious cancer diagnosis. Due date pretty much coincided with my DF's major operation. A second grandchild has proved a wonderful distraction and focus for all the family.
I do see your situation is complicated by so many more factors than my own, but just wanted to share that small story.

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