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This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

So conflicted.

(20 Posts)
MrsNutella Sat 10-Dec-16 22:03:49

Ok, I need to write this out to empty my head. I have two DC one will be 4 in early Jan and the other will be 3 in August. Neither of them were exactly planned but DH and I and them are happy.

I'm looking into getting myself and DS diagnosed with ADHD next year. I'm hopeful this will answer a lot of my questions and that there may be medication that will help me.
For DS I don't know what the answer will be but I'm hopeful we can put some things in place early to make school easier for him. Obviously he is a very challenging child and can be extremely hard to deal with some days. Although he is so loving and sweet and so funny when he is on form.

DH and I have been careful since DC2 was born and discussed a third endlessly. DH has always been happy with two.

We both struggled after the birth of dc1 (awful long nights filled with screaming and tears and dark dark days - Germany's darkest winter for forty years, there was actually an average of 0 hours of sunshine for the first two weeks or so of DS's life) when I think of DS as a newborn darkness screaming and crying are al I think about.
I had PND and it took a long time to sort it out properly.

We figured out it was probably a tomato intolerance that was making him so uncomfortable. DD was a much quieter baby.

But when DD was born DH seemed to also suffer some sort of huge mental stress and I really can't remember much about it now but he really struggled there for a time.

So, long story short I got my days mixed up and am about a week or two pregnant and we really don't know what to do.

DH would rather terminate and I've explained to him that I fully understand and appreciate where he is coming from - he watched me struggle through some very dark times and also SPD at the end of my second pregnancy which left me fairly housebound with an energetic 18 month old.

I'm just in such a muddle and I will go to the dr next week and have a good talk about the options.

It really is a heart and head fight. I could not be more internally divided.

I always wanted three and to realise that it could be more than I can cope with is also devastating. I feel disappointed in myself, for so many reasons.

I'm sorry this is so long. I just needed to put it all in one place. flowers

I keep trying my hardest to think clearly. It I always end up crying.

I feel like the decision will break my heart, while it also has the potential to destroy my mental health.

MyEternalSunshine Sun 11-Dec-16 17:31:46

Hello Mrs didn't want to read and run- it's honestly one of those situations where it really is down to you. From what you've said I would be leaning towards terminating.. You've both had negative experiences with having a new baby and I don't think it will be easier whilst you go through that experience again but with an extra two kids in tow. However I understand how you feel conflicted- not sure I could terminate a pregnancy myself if it was with my DP (but understand why some women do) also we never had any depression issues after having ours so I can't relate I'm so sorry you're going through this sad how are you feeling today? You're right to want to discuss this with your doctor though my lovely- you sound very sensible flowers perhaps if you do terminate you and your DH might consider a vasectomy? May be something worth considering so you don't end up in this situation again if you do both agree not to have anymore babies. Good luck OP x

MrsNutella Sun 11-Dec-16 18:12:40

Thank you for replying eternal.

I've found it useful to have my thoughts collected in one place and to come back and read them again and again. I've done lots of thinking this weekend. My DC would definitely be described as "spirited". Although DD can be much calmer than DS she is extremely stubborn very like her mother and very "2"
They have driven me nuts this weekend. It really doesn't feel fair to them that I have all of this noise in my head and I know DH is struggling as well.
The extra stress is making me feel like a worse mother than usual.

Just this week I had been trying to tell myself that I really don't think I can manage a third one.

After reading what I had written in my op I find myself stepping back and thinking that my post sounds to me like a termination is where I'm probably leaning.

DH and I had long discussed a vasectomy as an option for when we have made our minds up; but I wasn't willing to let him yet IYSWIM.

MyEternalSunshine Sun 11-Dec-16 18:56:40

You're right writing it all down is incredibly thereputic and it also helps you to realise how you truly feel about something once you go back and re read it! It's good that you posted as you sounded like you were getting in a bit of a state about it all- understandably so! Life isn't easy is it sad good to hear that you're sounding clearer on things in your own mind though smile wishing you all the best flowers

MrsNutella Mon 12-Dec-16 11:24:17

Thank you eternal it was going round and round in my head. I really felt I wasn't getting anywhere, my thoughts were all so jumbled (they still are but I think I'm being a bit kinder to myself today).

Writing it down and having someone else look at it objectively and not judge me is a huge relief too. Even though that sounds a bit daft really.

There are a few things that upset me. Yes, part of the reasoning is this is a baby conceived from love, although not planned, for DH and I. The other two are great although mad.

My heart wants three. But a third pregnancy a third baby.... it would limit us in so many ways.

I want to make a decision that I am over 90% sure about really. I will never be 100%. That is too much to ask from this situation.

I'm trying my hardest to make this my decision too. It can't be DH's. I know I would make us both miserable if I use it to hurt him.
But he feels betrayed that this has happened. He trusted me, but I made a mistake. I think that is fair and I'm glad he has been honest. I've told him I hear him, I have taken it all on board and I'm just trying to clear my head.

juneau Mon 12-Dec-16 11:34:55

When planning the size of your family I think it's important, above all, to be realistic about what you can cope with. Put to one side your 'dreams' of having x number of DC. Real life can be very different, as you've discovered.

I grew up in a big family (I'm the middle one of five), and while I always thought I'd have two DC I did daydream about having a big unruly brood like the one I grew up in, because as a DC it was fun. However, my DH and I really struggled to adapt to the many, many limitations, expenses and changes that DC brought to our lives. We have two wonderful boys, but I honestly feel, as you apparently do, that two is enough and that three would've broken us. And that is the point - what is the right number of DC for you and your DH? If the answer is 'our hands are full with two and I simply cannot imagine adding another to the mix', then there's your answer. Some people can cope with more - even more with SN - but many people cannot. Ultimately, I'm sure you want your two DC to be as happy and healthy as possible - and for that they need two happy, healthy parents. And the chances of that are much greater if those two parents aren't run ragged looking after a larger number of DC.

You didn't want to get pregnant, this was an accident. Your DH doesn't want a third - and it sounds like your head doesn't either. Remember that your head is the thing that contains your brain. Your heart is just there to pump blood around your body.

MrsNutella Mon 12-Dec-16 14:23:51

Juneau I'm a middle child of four. I too enjoyed growing up in a busy family. Although I was always aware of how limiting it was for my parents (time and money-wise).

I really appreciate the replies I've had here. It's been really helpful. It's also been very reassuring and helped me feel less alone.

MrsNutella Wed 14-Dec-16 12:17:54

I'm still struggling with this.

I've been asking myself lots of questions about it too. If DH was supportive I would be worried but definitely going ahead with the pregnancy.

I don't feel I can do it without him. Nor can I ignore his wishes completely.

Some days the kids are great and life is fun. Others I wish I could put them on eBay and spend a week in bed all by myself.

MyEternalSunshine Wed 14-Dec-16 12:59:53

When are you seeing the doctor OP? What is DH's most recent opinion on the situation? flowers

juneau Wed 14-Dec-16 16:51:10

What would it mean for your marriage if you went ahead? Because you admit that this pregnancy resulted in your messing up your dates. Would your DH stick around? Is it worth risking your marriage for a baby that neither of you were trying to conceive?

I ask because I'm all for women having a choice, but this isn't just your choice - it's his too. He'll be supporting you both. He'll be nearly as impacted by another DC as you will. I just think that if you're married (and the marriage is good, non-abusive, etc), then this isn't a decision the woman should make on her own - it's one you should make together. Because you're a family. This impacts everyone, not just you.

MrsNutella Thu 15-Dec-16 10:32:18

eternal I need to go and make an appointment. I keep dodging it. I'm not ready yet. I know I'll just burst into tears at the moment I'm not ready to do that in public.

juneau I'm finding the last line of your post a bit harsh. I know this impacts all of us. I really really understand that.
The marriage is good. We have problems with communication, but I don't think we are especially extraordinary in that respect.

DH and I had a chance to talk a bit last night and this morning. I told him there is no rush, pressure or a reason to panic right now (I know a decision needs to be made, but we have some time). I need some peace to make this decision. DH admitted that he does feel panic.
I feel very affected by what he feels. He doesn't hide it well and I am well tuned into him.
I've asked him to try and relax. To give me space. To let me think.

What this does make me think is I can't live like this with him feeling like that. How it makes me feel. How this is disturbing, distracting and overwhelming both of us. But I really feel in a fog. I can't focus. I can't think in peace. I can't make a decision in this atmosphere.

Sorry, I know my posts are long. I end up just letting it all spew out once I start.

juneau Thu 15-Dec-16 12:40:32

It wasn't meant to be harsh. The point I was trying to make is that from your previous posts you seem to feel that this is your decision to make, alone, and when you're married and committed and already parents to two other DC I don't feel it should be. You're both responsible for the situation and the impact of the decision you make will affect all four of you.

I'm worried that by shouldering this alone you're not only taking 100% responsibility for the decision, which is fair to neither of you, but you're not giving him a say, and that risks your relationship and the future of your family. Much better that you thrash it out together, come to a decision together, support one another - than you go off and make your choice and then present it to him as a fait accompli.

MrsNutella Fri 16-Dec-16 10:33:37

juneau thank you. That is helpful and helps me to see this from DH's point of view and that he deserves to be heard properly.

I know my emotions are taking over (pretty hard not to in early pregnancy); and I have been fighting myself and perhaps denying his voice the proper place it should have.

I'm trying to be really objective. I know we both struggled. It was hard and this is not good timing.
I'm not sure I want this.
I agree with DH; I think that we can probably parent our kids best with the two of us and the two of them.
We have such limited support. It's important for us that we have time together and another puts that out of reach for a bit longer and I'm not sure how we (mostly DH) will manage that.

juneau Fri 16-Dec-16 10:59:33

I'm glad it was helpful and I hope you come to a decision that you're okay with. Sometimes a big trial like this can make a marriage stronger and maybe by communicating properly over this issue you can improve your communication going forward flowers.

TimidLividyetagain Sat 17-Dec-16 22:38:11

Hope u have had a chance to think. I'm the opposite of juneau I think it's you not your husband who would have to go through with an abortion or have the baby and live with yourself with whatever is right for you. So the decision is yours , your body your choice. He should not pressure you so u can't think straight.

MrsNutella Mon 19-Dec-16 14:22:53

I agree and disagree. It is my body and my choice. But DH is my partner in everything I do and his voice needs to have a place. He has stepped back and is giving me space. We had a good/loud fight that seemed to help him chill.

TimidLividyetagain Mon 19-Dec-16 19:12:52

It is good u have talked it through I hope u gain clarity soon . It's difficult and we can't predict the future

Beijingyouth Tue 03-Jan-17 00:40:31

flowers hope you are ok OP.

I don't think having a termination should be a family decision, or a decision the partner should have a say in. It's your body and your life.

Quodlibet Tue 03-Jan-17 00:51:14

'I always wanted three and to realise that it could be more than I can cope with is also devastating. I feel disappointed in myself, for so many reasons.'

Please don't feel disappointed in yourself for this. As others have said, it's actually far better for all of you to be realistic about the size of family you can happily cope with - that's sometimes a brave and hard decision. I don't think anyone can really know how many children they'd like until they have got some children and are in the thick of it, at which point the limits of your resources (time, money, emotional availability etc) are far more clear.

MrsNutella Fri 06-Jan-17 20:03:24

I feel much calmer and settled. Here in Germany you only have until 14 weeks to choose a termination.

You have to have a referral from your gynaecologist, a letter to say you have attended counselling and also a thing which details your insurance will cover the cost (if I've understood it all).

I found the counselling really really useful and their door is open if i need to go back. It made me realise how much DS features in my decision. I need energy and time to look after him, to figure out his needs and meet them. I also need time for me and to sort out my needs.

Now isn't the right time for a baby. Not for me and not for us. It still makes me sad but I feel much clearer.

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