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This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

Biological Clock and Decision Making: Help and Advice please

(4 Posts)
Miyajima13 Wed 30-Nov-16 22:38:27

Hi all,

I'm new to the forum and would really value hearing others' opinions as so far I have only spoken to my partner and doctors. It's so hard trying to find advice and support on this.

I'm 37 and find myself suddenly frightened I've left it too late to ever start a family. Without going into too much detail, I had a difficult upbringing and experienced childhood emotional abuse and neglect which resulted in my finding it difficult to form fully trusting adult relationships throughout my 20's and early 30's. I believed I wanted to stay alone and never get married or have children, and that this wasn't for me. I was deeply unhappy. At the age of 34 I started therapy and have worked super hard since then to learn to manage my feelings and understand my learned behaviour.

3 years on and still in therapy, I am in an incredibly different position, and things have really turned a corner for me in a good way. Having thought I would say single and 'child-free' my whole life, I soon realised this was all a false belief I unwittingly created to protect myself from further hurt and pain. As soon as this awareness happened it was like a pane of frosted glass lifted from my eyes. I met the most wonderful man whom I love wholeheartedly and am now in a trusting and loving relationship, living together. I have also opened up to honestly say that I would ideally like a family with my partner, and see myself with him for the rest of my life all being well.

Whilst all of this is fantastic we have only been together for 1.5 years, and I feel in some ways I'm going through what many women experience in their mid 20's only now. I am experiencing a loving relationship for the first time in my life, and all the joy and discovery that brings, and I don't feel ready to fall pregnant and start a family immediately - this feels way too soon given I am only just getting accustomed to what it feels like to be in a 'normal' relationship.

However, of course, just as I find happiness, in some way I feel cheated by my biology, as I am 37.5 years old, and decisions need to be made. (An aside - I also get really annoyed when I read about how older women are delaying babies to "put their career first". What about those of us who never had the opportunity or weren't in the right place before?!!)

Emotionally and practically we are not ready to start a family now, and we both agree on that. I have always thought it wouldn't feel right to bring a child into the world at the wrong time and until it feels completely right. However we obviously want that window to remain open to us (doesn't everyone). My partner is also considerably younger than me (25 though mature and responsible) and he does not feel ready due to his age. For me in many ways I feel as if I am in my 20's and can't believe at 37 I am only now understanding what real life is all about.

So there we are. What to do? I have just visited a private clinic to have pre-conception tests to check things out. I am generally healthy and have AFC of 11, FS of 6.2 and AMH of 12.3. The clinic were positive about this but spoke to me as if I was trying to get pregnant now. They advise these tests are valid for 6 months.

I have looked into egg-freezing and we are considering this. Thankfully even though there feels a lot of pressure on us talking about babies when we really don't feel ready, we are able to be honest with each other and are trying to make decisions that are the most sensible given my age, the timeframe and our circumstances.

It would be really great to hear some non-judgemental feedback from others in similar situations, or who know about this stuff. What do you think about egg-freezing? Should I be panicking? What would others do in my position...?

Thank you in advance for any help you can offer.

xx

TimidLividyetagain Sun 18-Dec-16 22:10:23

There's never really a right time but ur partner needs to be on board and has to want children too. But yes it would be better to start trying from now as after the age of forty I believe there is a fifty percent chance of miscarriage. Again it has to be in agreement with your partner. If it was me I'd start sooner rather than later

Chattycat78 Mon 19-Dec-16 19:01:52

TBH I understand that egg freezing is generally pretty unsuccessful in creating a pregnancy afterwards. I think j it's because the eggs don't freeze very well. You might be better freezing embryos. Have a look at what Robert winston says about egg freezing (leading fertility expert).

As for the age thing,sorry you find yourself in this situation, but there ta definitely an argument that says rgR it's never the "right" time to have kids. At 37, you don't have time on your side, especially if you wanted more than one child. Your amh is pretty good, which is positive, however I would beware Of getting too comfortable because of that. Amh only tells you how many eggs you have and not if they are good quality or not- which is much more important in achieving pregnancy. Egg quality is linked directly to age.

spinduffy Fri 03-Feb-17 08:02:37

I married at 37 and started trying straight away. FSH 6 and AMH 18 with a good AFC. Sadly that doesn't translate always. I've had 2 unsuccessful ivfs and have a 3rd cycle in spring. I turn 39 next week. My advice is to not waste any time. Egg freezing is improving, but embryos are much more successful x

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