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This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

No option but to terminate

(17 Posts)
everythingis Sun 27-Nov-16 17:46:56

We had a mc back in September. TBH the whole thing rocked my mental health severely. I didn't want a baby but felt very guilty about that.
So pregnancy 2 has happened. I was ok at first but now all the terror has returned. We would struggle and a baby would take so much away from dc 1 and 2. Dp and I have so much in our plate and just started new job who want to spend thousands on my professional development. It felt like things were on the up.
Just got back on track after difficult time with dp - lots of exterior pressure on our relationship taking its toll.

The issues a baby would cause outweigh the positives by miles. Very much hoping I will miscarry as it happened at 6 weeks last time. I am 5 weeks now.

Please don't judge I just don't think I can weather this.

Mummymummymummyhi Tue 29-Nov-16 10:25:11

If you really really feel like an abortion is what you're going to do, do it sooner than later. I was in a similar position to you, 2 dcs, rocky relationship that was just getting better, getting back into work, not enough space/money/support etc but I just couldn't bring myself to have a termination. In the end I was 10 weeks before I finally went ahead with it, I wish I'd just done it when I'd first found out at 4 weeks. I feel like a complete monster for what I did and 2 years still have dreams of being pregnant and notice pregnant people more than I used to and it still breaks my heart . Think it would've neen so much easier had I done it before the baby was so developed. Crying writing this. Id you're 100% sure then do It ASAP.

everythingis Tue 29-Nov-16 11:07:26

Thank you for your post and yes I think you're right. Today feeling this is being pushed on to me rather than my decision.
Did your relationship survive?

Mummymummymummyhi Tue 29-Nov-16 11:52:16

We're still together and to be honest I do have bursts of resentment towards him (and for other reasons, things aren't going great) . I didn't want a baby at the time however if he'd told me it'll be okay, we'll work it out etc I would have had my baby. God knows how we would've managed, but we would.
Its such a huge decision to make.
You might (like me) still get upset, buy pregnancy tests every couple of months (even though you know your probably not pregnant), think my baby would have been this old etc.
Or you might feel fine afterwards, relieved, relationship works out and you do great at your job etc and look back and think that was shit but it was the best thing and it all works out great.
Maybe speak to a professional, they're counsellors etc you can speak to about this for free at clinics etc .
I hope whatever happens it works out for you.
If you're 100% sure, do it early. If you're being pushed into it dont do it and if you're not completely sure, don't rush into it.

KateInKorea Tue 29-Nov-16 11:54:31

If your partner was run over by a bus this evening, and you didn't have to consider him, would you continue?

everythingis Tue 29-Nov-16 12:16:23

That's a hard question k which I have thought about a lot. If dp was run over by a bus I would still be putting hardship on to my existing children after finally getting shot of tax credits etc and having a holiday abroad.
I am the same as mummy above though. If dp said stuff it we will manage I would probably go ahead but I feel very conflicted about that too - it's still unfair on the dc who have a good standard of life as we are and live a cushioned life - which is the least they deserve.

Mummymummymummyhi Wed 30-Nov-16 11:52:44

Have you thought about the other option?

everythingis Wed 30-Nov-16 12:49:49

What other option?

Mummymummymummyhi Wed 30-Nov-16 13:03:21

Sorry, I meant adoption x

everythingis Wed 30-Nov-16 13:33:31

I have a 4 and 7 year old. I can't have them watch me go through a pregnancy and give away their sibling.

Lilypad15 Wed 30-Nov-16 15:00:46

If you 100% don't want this baby, have the abortion. If there is even the tiniest bit of you that does want it, don't do it. I learnt that the hard way. My partner insisted I abort due to finances, living situation etc. I knew that if you try hard enough you can always make things work. But he was against it and I tried to convince myself it was the right thing to do. That was almost 2 years ago and it still affects me. I think what thy would have been like, what they would have looked like, if someone I know gets pregnant I find it so so difficult to be around them without getting upset. I'm still with my partner however I will never ever forgive him for making me feel forced into that decision and I often find myself lashing out at him (verbally of course) about it because I want him to feel as rotten as I do. In hindsight, I wanted that baby and I would do anything to go back and do things differently. However if your mind is set on a termination and you feel like you really couldn't cope with another child then I doubt there would be any real long-term regret or sadness.

MorrisZapp Wed 30-Nov-16 15:07:13

Everybody's experience is valid, but I think 100% certainty is an unfair burden to ask from people seeking a termination. Even happy, planned pregnancies may not be 100% wanted every day.

I think although difficult, women should be encouraged to look at practical realities as well as 'does any part of you want this at all'.

MN is full of women struggling to cope with the family size they have, particularly when partners have failed to step up or circumstances change even slightly.

OP, only you can make the right decision for you. I've had a termination, it was easy and I've never regretted it (despite what popular culture tries to tell us). Good luck whatever you decide.

Lilypad15 Wed 30-Nov-16 15:17:57

Well yes, obviously. I was giving my honest opinion based on my own experience and that is how I and many other women I know who have had terminations would view it. If a substantial part of you thinks you want the baby, I personally feel like abortion is a mistake but that again is based on mine and other people I knows experience. I'm not sure why, on one hand you are saying all experiences are valid whilst simultaneously telling me my experience is not. Either way, nobody here is telling OP what to do, just giving advice based on personal experiences. Luckily for you, you didn't regret yours. That isn't the case for everyone. I'm sure the OP will make a decision based on her feelings rather than what is lot write on her post anyway.

MorrisZapp Wed 30-Nov-16 16:51:12

I'm sorry lily but you said 100% and 'even the tiniest bit of you', not a substantial part.

As I said, all experiences are valid but I feel that often these threads lean towards 'don't have a termination unless you're 100% sure' which I don't think is a realistic or fair burden to put on a difficult decision.

The options aren't 'have a termination or don't have a termination'. The options are 'have a termination or continue a pregnancy with all the issues and problems that might bring'.

It's impossible in most cases to get to 100% certainty on either side of the 'case'.

MorrisZapp Wed 30-Nov-16 16:53:29

And of the two of us, you were the one who stated what the OP should do. I didn't.

Tartyflette Wed 30-Nov-16 17:07:57

I think you may already know what the right thing for you is and that is to terminate. You state plainly you did not and do not want a baby for several very good reasons. The fact that you went through a miscarriage only a couple of months ago, horrendous experience that it is, may be affecting your feelings at the moment and making you uncertain.
Feelings of guilt after a miscarriage are surely very common -- I know I felt I must have done something bad, or wrong (I hadn't, of course) and that it was all my fault.
But your feelings now are clouded by that very recent experience.
No-one can tell you what to do -- only you know what's best for you and your family. But I hope you make peace with whatever decision you take.
And a teeny tiny mention (please forgive me) -- but do you need to do something about contraception?

Bloodybloodyheckers Wed 30-Nov-16 17:18:26

I had an abortion before I had DC. I have the odd flash of guilt, no regret really, a bit of "what if".

Just putting the other POV across it isn't all certainty and pain. I was undecided, went for termination, am more or less ok with that most of the time.

It's your choice, you will never be sure. Your other DC won't "suffer" for it so discount that but ask yourself what you want as a person, maternity leave and baby stage or your career and olde kid stage.

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