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This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

Pregnant. He wants to abort but I don't think I do

(33 Posts)
Bethanaevans2016 Mon 17-Oct-16 12:01:09

I was wondering if anyone had any experience or advice regarding my predicament.

I do not have any children but have found out I'm 8/9 weeks pregnant. This was unexpected and a shock to my bf and I. He has children from a previous relationship.

He has been 100% clear that he'd wants me to have a termination. He thinks having a child will be disastrous for our relationship, presumably because he doesn't want to be a Father again.

I don't think I could go through a termination. I feel that I am old and responsible enough to support a child, on my own if I have to.

I love my bf very much. He's a great Dad too. What should I do? I feel like either way our relationship is now doomed

DoinItFine Mon 17-Oct-16 12:08:18

Your relationship is over.

Proceed on that basis.

GruffaloPants Mon 17-Oct-16 12:09:50

If you don't want a termination, don't have one. Assume you'll be doing it by yourself. Good luck flowers

Murphysgirl Mon 17-Oct-16 12:12:39

Do not let yourself be talked into a termination if you want the baby. You will never, ever forgive yourself. If he is adamant he doesn't want it. them I'm afraid your relationship is over. Good luck, I hope he changes his mind.

WellErrr Mon 17-Oct-16 12:13:26

The only time you should have an abortion is when you are 100% sure that it is the right decision FOR YOU.

You are not. So you don't have an abortion.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, and commiserations on your awful partner. NO good person would ever pressure someone into an abortion they didn't want. No one.

ReginaPhalange87 Mon 17-Oct-16 12:15:08

Don't be pressured into having a termination you'll bitterly regret it most likely for the rest of your life and you won't be able to stay in a relationship with DP anyways as you'll resent him. Keep the baby and tell DP that's what you'll be doing then take it from there. flowers OP it can't be an easy situation to be in but babies are a blessing and you're lucky to be having one, just hold on to that.

sianihedgehog Mon 17-Oct-16 12:15:29

The first poster has it bang to rights. Your relationship is probably over, do what you'd do if he responded to the pregnancy by dumping you.

FRETGNIKCUF Mon 17-Oct-16 12:17:27

You cannot have an abortion if it's not the right thing for you.

newmumwithquestions Mon 17-Oct-16 12:24:29

Imagine your life without him as I'm afraid that whatever decision you make that's the way things are probably going. Sorry, but if he presurises you to abort that'll cause resentment in you that'll probably be impossible to recover from.

Then work out what you want to do. Do you want a baby? Do you want one now? Do you have a support network (family) in place to help you bring a baby up? They are hard work. I'm not a single parent but have respect for them as babies are hard. All that said if you really this baby you will find a way to overcome the practicalities; but decide if you are willing to do it on your own or not.

Your boyfriend may be a good dad to his existing children but reject any others that he was clear he didn't want - I've seen it happen.

Bethanaevans2016 Mon 17-Oct-16 12:27:45

It's just an awful scenario. Ultimately there aren't any winners and the thought of being a single mum terrifies me. I never thought he'd let me down when I needed him the most.

I haven't told anyone else yet. Friends, family members are all clueless so I need to make a decision before people start to ask questions. And for my first scan... I'm not even sure he'd come 😢😢

Mooey89 Mon 17-Oct-16 12:27:58

Please don't have an abortion if you don't want it.

It is your choice and yours alone. I agree though, assume you'll be doing it alone. It can be done, I did it from when DS was 6 months old.

Bethanaevans2016 Mon 17-Oct-16 18:13:36

He's been messaging me today while he's at work but trying to forward plan. Making suggestions to do with friends who have invited us out. Why would he do that? I assume he thinks I'll be having a termination.

I know you're all right when you say I should feel pressurised in to doing something I don't want to. I think it will help once I've seen my doctor, heard the heart beat abc had the first scan. That's where I'll gain my strength from. At the moment I'm an emotional wreck

YouHadMeAtCake Mon 17-Oct-16 18:18:32

He may well move on to another relationship regardless. Your child will always be your child and this is your choice. I believe you are too good for him and he feels a baby will'cramp his style' oh and his spending too!

You do not need him. Please choose wisely and for you , not a man you may not even know in the future.

smarterthanhim Mon 17-Oct-16 18:22:47

I think everyone is right. It's your body and it's you that'll do the bulk of the work in the early years. Sadly, your relationship is probably over. I have taught my sons that no matter what they do, if they have hetro vaginal sex, it carries the chance of a baby occurring, which will be 50% their responsibility.

FRETGNIKCUF Wed 19-Oct-16 12:07:25

God. Imagine you terminate and he leaves you anyway? (which I think he will as this whole thin will ruin your relationship)

Jemma1118 Wed 19-Oct-16 12:22:41

Hi, I was in the same situation as you a few weeks ago. My partner didnt wan't to have our baby and I did. I am now 14 weeks pregnant and he has now came round to the idea and is actually really excited now (he had to he had no other option) I made it clear to my partner that had no right to be doom and gloom about our baby and he was making my pregnancy miserable when it should be a happy time for me. I told him if he was to keep acting like this then he knows where the door is. If your partner loves you he will stay and eventually accept it, if not then it is his loss but you will have a beautiful wee baby that you will love more than anyone in the end.

Dozer Wed 19-Oct-16 12:26:30

Your body: solely your choice.

As PPs say, sensible to assume you'll be a single parent.

Unless you observe his parenting frequently, you can't actually be sure he's a "great dad".

GrumpyDullard Wed 19-Oct-16 12:37:59

I was in your situation. My DP didn't pressurise me but he made it clear that he would choose an abortion if it was up to him. Of course it wasn't up to him.
Although it wasn't in any way "sensible" to have another child I couldn't go through with an abortion. I cried and cried until I came to that conclusion and, once I'd decided to keep it, I stopped crying. I had to make that decision for myself and on the understanding that I would very likely be on my own.
For now, DP is still with us. DD is 8 months old. DP is not particularly involved (he's changed about a dozen nappies in 8 months!) but he is getting to love his DD more as time goes on.
If I'd gone into this expecting him to be a doting hands-on dad, I'd have been disappointed. But I kept my expectations low and it's been fine. Hard, but fine.

Dozer Wed 19-Oct-16 23:07:51

Grumpy, your DP shouldn't opt out of parenting because he wanted you to have an abortion. He needs to step up as a father, whether or not you remain in a relationship. Sounds like your expectations of relationships are really low if you'll stay with a man who does so little for his DC.

notapizzaeater Wed 19-Oct-16 23:13:26

Your body, your choice.

Your relationship is rocky regardless - have one and you'll resent him, don't he'll resent you :-(

SomeDaysIDontGiveAMonkeys Wed 19-Oct-16 23:18:27

Imagine if you had a termination and then the relationship ended anyway. Don't be pushed into anything you don't want to do. Maybe start telling your close family and best friend so you have support. Being a single parent is hard but being a mum is the most amazing thing. Good luck. flowers

WhoKnewSeamus Wed 19-Oct-16 23:19:42

Being a single parent has its perks.

Presumably if you did abort and stayed together you'd never have DC. It doesn't sound like you're completely sold on that idea.

Kit262 Wed 19-Oct-16 23:20:31

So sad to hear your bf isn't as happy as you. Think on in the future being a single mum is very hard work especially teenage years I know I have a teenager, try to see if you can convince him in coming round to the idea say you would like to have a Child of your own if he doesn't worth keeping for your happiness he will come round if not he ain't got your happiness as his priority

AyeAmarok Wed 19-Oct-16 23:21:23

Your body, your choice.

If you knew he wasn't going to be involved at all, say he was going to leave the country, what would you do? Don't make a decision on the proviso that you think he'll be supportive. He won't be; his attitude so far tells you that very clearly.

If you go ahead with the pregnancy, then you can't force him to be emotionally involved, but he will have to pay maintenance.

LucyBabs Wed 19-Oct-16 23:28:29

Whta a difficult situation Bethan only you can decide if you're prepared to have this baby alone.
If you do want children and your dp doesn't then your relationship wasn't going to last anyway.
Did you talk about having children together?

Also can I say at no point has the OP said her dp is telling her she has to have an abortion. He's made his feelings clear he doesn't want anymore children that's not the same as pressuring the OP to have an abortion

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