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This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

Advice please. Termination booked for tomorrow.

(32 Posts)
Mopydope Sat 08-Oct-16 23:06:18

Hoping for some balanced advice please. I am 9wks pg with my 3rd child. DH and I have a good, stable relationship and in other circumstances another child would not be considered an issue.
The thing is that I was diagnosed with post natal depression 12 weeks ago and it's only with hindsight that we can see that actually it has affected me since the birth of DD1 who is now 4. With the help of medication I finally feel as if I'm coming away from a very dark place full of negativity and suicidal thoughts (which I had for so long that I thought everyone had them). To add to this we had just moved to a new country so have no support network - we're literally on the other side of the world. We are building a life and I've got good prospects for work and independence away from home.
I'm not sure though that I can live with the guilt of termination or the feeling of loss, loss of a baby that is likely perfect.
I have a termination booked for tomorrow as there was a 10 day waiting time. I had made an appointment 2 weeks ago but DH and I couldn't go through with it. DH does feel termination would be the best for me due to the pnd and life just coming back on track but he will support me in whichever decision I make and the baby would be loved just like our DDs if we decided to keep it.
Has anyone been here before? Or anywhere similar? Getting desperate as I can't delay again.
Thank you in advance

TyrionLannisterforKing Sat 08-Oct-16 23:09:10

I have never been pregnant, but I would not judge how you might react with this pregnancy by your previous ones. Reading your thread I have the impression you are only terminating because you feel there is no other choice - if that is so, I would rethink it.

flowers, whatever you decide.

Hermagsjesty Sat 08-Oct-16 23:16:10

My situation was very different to yours but I didn't want to read and run. I terminated a pregnancy with what have been our 3rd child around a year ago. Our second child was still v small and it just didn't feel like the right time for us to have another. I still struggle with guilt/ grief and there has been quite a lot of resentment between DH and I (as ultimately I think he was more certain that the termination was the right decision than I was). But we are working through it. It's a horrible situation to be in. Try to be kind to yourself. Is there a counselling service at the Clinic? Might that help you?

Northernlurker Sat 08-Oct-16 23:21:19

I think mental health is a very valid reason to terminate a pregnancy which would otherwise be welcomed but you need to feel assured that ending the pregnancy will improve things and you don't sound assured. I think you need counselling and some more time to think op.

Mopydope Sun 09-Oct-16 09:50:57

Thank you for your thoughts. I'm not sure if I'll ever feel that the decision I'll make will be the 'right' decision. Counselling is the right way forwards. Some is offered tomorrow before the procedure. I may attend the appt with the knowledge I can back out at any point (the clinic is completely unbiased).
Thank you again

Owlytellsmesecrets Sun 09-Oct-16 09:57:11

We had DC3. Our DS's were 3 and 20 months when DD was born.
DS2 has lots of significant disabilities and we were shocked at the time to find out we were pregnant.
We did consider all the option but found that we just looked at DC we had and realised there was another one of those growing inside me... Our DNA.
The decision was made more difficult because we had concerns DC could have same problems as DS2.
DD is now 5 and life has been hectic but fun. We tell everyone that she wasn't invited to our party but we are really glad she came!
You can only go with your heart. We don't have family close by to help but over the years we have made some good friends.

Desmondo2016 Sun 09-Oct-16 11:57:08

you sound sensible. mental health issues can be managed, knowledge of them is power. you do not have to terminate this pregnancy . likewise you are fully entitled to terminate the pregnancy. don't do it unless you are 100% sure though.

FlopIsMyParentingGuru Sun 09-Oct-16 12:01:56

It sounds like you think you should terminate rather than want to

In which case you may well feel worse rather than better afterwards

Is that a possibility?

Mopydope Mon 10-Oct-16 04:53:25

Just couldn't do it. Got to the clinic, did the paperwork, waited for hours, had the consultation, got into theatre, had the premed. Couldn't do it. We will cope, and at least I know what I'm dealing with.

Weetabixandtoast Mon 10-Oct-16 05:10:26

No no no a termination will only increase your pnd!! Honestly all sorts of negative feelings will kick in and you'll feel the effects for the rest of your life. You aren't that sure about it - which is why you didn't go through with it before. Because of that I honestly think you will regret it and feel worse if you do.

On the other hand pregnancy hormones may kick in soon to help alleviate your depression - not saying it does for everyone but it's quite common.

Get to the Drs for help and see a psychologist instead preferably one specialising in post natal and antenatal depression. You just need the right support to get through this.

Weetabixandtoast Mon 10-Oct-16 05:13:14

Ps until you are sure you definitely want to go through with it you should reschedule the appointment. Of course you can keep delaying it. It's a massive thing and if you do it without being 100% sure then that's why I'm saying the depression will get worse.

Optimist3 Mon 10-Oct-16 05:48:08

A termination would have been bad for my mental health too.

Make a plan. What can you both put in place to help you best cope with 3. What can be done to maximise sleep, enable you to have alone time/exercise, talk about things? Maybe your DH could get the snip also.

I know quite a few ladies who have had accidental babies and yes it was hard but also a wonderful addition.

Strawberry90 Mon 10-Oct-16 05:58:00

'I'm not sure though that I could live with the guilt of termination or feeling of loss' - there's your answer

It sounds like your DH is keener on it than you are - not to be sexist but that's probably because men often don't feel a connection with a baby until it's born and he's just trying to help you. You however are already connected with this baby.

ayeokthen Mon 10-Oct-16 06:02:50

There is no wrong decision here, it's what you feel is best. I had severe PND with DS1 and DD but not with DS2, so it's not always a guarantee that you will have it again. If you have a history then there's help available all through your pregnancy to get you through. Thinking of you OP.

Benedikte2 Mon 10-Oct-16 06:09:21

Get all the support that's available OP -- at least you have a diagnosis now.
Good luck

ojalele Mon 10-Oct-16 06:10:03

I believe congratulations are on order in that case! flowers

I don't know anything about PND but assuma that knowing you suffer from it, you can work with your gp to manage it. You may even end up enjoying the early years of this little one in a very different way.

Felascloak Mon 10-Oct-16 06:21:48

Congratulations flowers
I think now your depression is recognised and being treated you will find things a lot better and your pregnancy/baby easier to deal with than you expect. Take all the help they can give you during your pregnancy. I hope everything goes well for you.

ButterfliesRfree Mon 10-Oct-16 06:23:08

Well I can say I've been there with depression/pnd and three babies. I wanted three and went through great shock when I actually got pregnant with the 3rd because I'd had a hard time with other pregnancies and births. But we had our number three. It was hard but we did it and it was worth it. I wouldn't change a thing. I'd say get people in place around you to help you out and just organize to do life really easy while everyone is young. Yes to daycare and nursery if you can cope, but no if it's too much extra work - just stay home. Anyway I hope that helps. It can be done. All the best.

Strawberry90 Mon 10-Oct-16 19:11:26

How are you this eve op? Thinking of you

Frazzled2207 Mon 10-Oct-16 19:25:04

Congratulations. If you couldn't go through with it then it was the right decision to go through with it. Hope your DH is supportive. Best of luck flowers

Frazzled2207 Mon 10-Oct-16 19:25:31

Right decision NOT to go through with it I meant

Mopydope Mon 10-Oct-16 21:07:08

I feel ok thank you, strawberry. Relieved. DH has been amazing and I don't doubt that we will be ok. He was worried about me and I can understand why. We will be exploring Australia as 5 and maybe I can still work. This feels right … I wouldn't be feeling like this if we'd gone through with a termination.
Thank you for your support and advice everyone smile

Strawberry90 Mon 10-Oct-16 21:10:14

Really glad you have done what is right for you and are feeling happier. flowers for continuing onwards and upwards

Desmondo2016 Tue 11-Oct-16 07:18:42

so happy for you x

Owlytellsmesecrets Tue 11-Oct-16 07:54:35

I totally feel this was the right thing for you!!!! You will cope and it may be a bit rocky.

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