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This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

I regret my decision

(15 Posts)
feelingalone5878 Sun 25-Sep-16 18:03:14

I had a termination yesterday at 15 weeks. I feel awful and regret my decision. I saw my baby, my perfect beautiful baby that I decided not to keep.
I have a one year old and no longer with the father as he was abusive, with a court date looming soon to see if he gets found guilty of common assault and criminal damage and the fact he's shown little to no interest in our son that we planned to have I felt it wasn't right to keep an unexpected baby.
I put so much thought into how I wouldn't cope financially and emotionally with an 18 month old and a newborn I didn't even consider how I would feel going through this.
Friends and family all advised they wouldn't keep the baby in my position and whatever I decide they would support but I just felt it was ok because everyone would chose to do this yet I'm the one having to go through it and I feel like the worst person. I feel empty and can't stop crying the loss of a baby that's my fault.

AGruffaloCrumble Sun 25-Sep-16 18:05:12

I felt like this after a termination at 16. I can now look back and realise I made the right decision for all involved. Be gentle with yourself flowers

whattodowiththepoo Sun 25-Sep-16 18:05:46

Time is the only healer, be as strong as you can for your son and have a good cry when ever you feel like when he can't see you.
It will get better.

donkir Sun 25-Sep-16 18:15:54

I had a termination at 5/6 weeks. My ds was 13 months and I wasn't with the father. It's a horrible thing to go through and I do still think about it sometimes but 14yrs on it was the right decision for me.
Make use of the family support you have. flowers

whattodowiththepoo Mon 26-Sep-16 12:25:13

I hope your feeling better soon OP, hopefully this bump will bring more people with experience and advice.
flowers

feelingalone5878 Mon 26-Sep-16 12:44:56

Thank you whattodo I just feel so terrible. I'm so worried that I've made the wrong decision even with the best intentions. It's so difficult I feel like I'm not allowed or expected to mourn the loss of my baby because I did this.

Thurlow Mon 26-Sep-16 14:05:17

flowers

You have to remember that you are awash with hormones right now, as well as all the emotions you are feeling about your ex.

When I had my termination I was 100% sure about my decision but still felt awful for a while afterwards about it. The two things are not mutually exclusive. You are allowed to mourn the loss of your baby. Please always remember that.

Being the right decision to make doesn't mean it's going to be an easy decision to make, or an easy experience to live through.

Take your time, be kind to yourself. Come back and talk if you want to x

KittyandTeal Mon 26-Sep-16 14:07:43

It's ok to grieve a termination. Just because you are sad and have some regrets it doesn't mean it wasn't the right choice.

💐 For you

feelingalone5878 Mon 26-Sep-16 14:56:58

Thank you to everyone for the kind words xx

Difficultyear2015 Mon 26-Sep-16 23:08:45

I had a late termination.
I would have been bringing a baby into catastrophic circumstances but I also regret my decision.

bluebellsparklypants Mon 26-Sep-16 23:33:22

Your post made me cry for you 🌷
it reminded me of how I felt 6 years ago, sorry to say I do still think about the what if's but have to remind myself why I did it and I suppose your head has to win out over your heart. It's still a grief though and you have to grieve but be kind to yourself, remember why you thought it was the correct decision.
Each day will get better take heart in your family in the here & now

Flora87 Sat 01-Oct-16 07:33:44

I want to reassure you that you absolutely WILL feel better. I had a termination in July and was completely distraught afterwards, I felt like I would never be happy again and was inconsolable. But now, two months on, I feel so much better. I don't think of it as did I do the right thing or not, I just think it happened and it was an awful, traumatic experience (for me). There were two paths, neither right or wrong, and I picked one of them. I don't think about it so often now and when I do it's just a quiet sadness not uncontrollable grief.

I think it's good to remember that in the first few weeks afterwards your body is full of pregnancy hormones which will affect your thoughts. Even people extremely sure of their decision can feel terrible afterward as all pregnant bodies want to remain pregnant, this is just a biological thing that can't be helped. Once the hormones drop off you will Find that you have days when you don't think about it and these will become more frequent.

It really helped me to talk with close friends about how I felt. I also wrote down all the things I wish I had done differently and it felt good to get it out of my head and on paper. Look after yourself and try not to worry, it's ok to be sad and to regret it. just know that in time, new things will happen in your life, the abortion won't be the sole focus of all your waking thoughts and you will feel better.

Finally I also read some accounts of abortion where people were OK afterwards and were not depressed or regretful. just because I wanted more balance even if it didn't apply to me. For some people it isn't this awful traumatising event that they never get over. It helped me to think there were other ways people cope with it. But whatever you do just know that you won't feel like you do now forever. I didn't believe people when they said that to me but it really is true. I remember about 5 weeks after I laughed at something for the first time and since then I just feel more at peace with my decision every day.

feelingalone5878 Sat 01-Oct-16 08:14:14

Thank you flowers you're right I need to look at it from a different point of view. I've managed to stop uncontrollably crying all the time but I can't face seeing pregnant ladies on the tv etc I'm glad there's hope in this dark difficult time. There's obviously no good time to be faced with something like this but amongst the court dates with the abusive ex living in fear he may turn up at the house and dealing with a one year old even though I have supportive friends and family I just ended up feeling so alone. X

FluffyPersian Sat 01-Oct-16 19:36:24

One of my friends (who I met from Mumsnet) told me that in time, I'd feel better and I remember hoping she was right but thinking that I'd be feeling upset / guilty constantly.

She was right - and 11 months on I still feel slight guilt and sadness, but I also know it was the right decision to make. I also felt empty and throughout this year there were 'milestones'.... my due date, and 'this time last year I found out I was pregnant'.... in 30 days it will be one year to the day I terminated and I imagine I'll cry a bit - but that's OK.

I echo Flora about talking to good friends - Every single friend I told was nothing but supportive and non-judgemental. Even when I was beating myself up about it and saying that I was a bad person... they told me that was rubbish and that they supported my decision. Talking really does help and when your hormones go back to normal, it should make a difference.

Take care of yourself and don't beat yourself up about it flowers

BastardGoDarkly Sat 01-Oct-16 19:38:53

Second everything Thurlow said. <Gentle hug>

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