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This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

abortion feeling sad and guilty

(6 Posts)
aimeeabbie Mon 22-Aug-16 06:15:10

I am 47 and found out i was pregnant just before i was due to go on holiday. This was a complete shock as i have no periods and had fertility treatment for my 3 children. I had my last child a son 4 years ago at 43 after years of treatment (8 miscarriages most at 12 weeks) and he really is my gift child. I soon as a found out i knew i could have another baby because 1. My previous history i just could not go through another miscarriage at 12 weeks or later 2, My age, i know women have babies in there late forties but the risks are very real and i needed to think of the children i already had. Plus being a mum of a 12 year old at 60 would not be something i would want. 3, It took a long time to convince my husband to have another child when i had my son and i really did not think it would be fair to him. 4, My oldest daughter is 21, i know she would not mind me having baby but she could have one herself soon and that would be very strange with me having a baby 5. My 2 older girls already had to take a back seat when my son was born and i didn't want that to happen again, it was time to enjoy my family.
I went to the hospital at 5 weeks only to be told that they could not perform the procedure before my holiday and i was booked in for a surgical on my return at 9 weeks. I honestly thought i would miscarry on holiday but i didn't. Last week i had it done and although the staff were wonderful it the hardest thing i have ever done. I just keep thinking i know what a scan at 9 weeks looks like and it just keeps haunting me. The nurse kept telling me 9 weeks is not a baby but i just could not get the image out of my head. I know i could still have miscarriage, and just because i was 9 week it does not mean i would have gone on to have the baby. I just can't help feeling incredibly guilt and sad. Especially when i have tried so hard to get the children i have it just all seems so wrong. Will i ever feel ok, is this normal as it happen recently? Anyone else experience similar?

ayeokthen Mon 22-Aug-16 06:23:33

I don't have any advice, but I didn't want to read and run. I'm so sorry you've had such an awful time, and that you're going through this. It's a traumatic thing you've been through, you need time to process it and to grieve. Most of all though, you made a choice which was right for you and your family. That is what you must cling to in the darkest times. Be kind to yourself flowers

MaMattoo Mon 22-Aug-16 06:39:57

No advice but I do have a huge (((hug))) for you. Be kind and easy on yourself. Tough decisions that make the mind and heart conflict are the hardest. Take care of yourself flowers

BonniePippin Mon 22-Aug-16 06:45:08

The only advice I have is to talk to someone about it, about your feelings. Either husband or Dr or whoever. Other than that I am just sending huge hugs to you. Take care.

MarvinKMooney Thu 25-Aug-16 17:58:26

OP, I'm in a very similar situation.

I'm 46 and found out yesterday that I'm pregnant. I'm not even sure exactly when i had my last period bit I think I conceived 3 weeks ago - we didn't use contracepit on then. How stupid.

We have 2 children both under 8 and just can't go through it again with a 3rd. I'm worried about the chance of abnormalities and, even if it did get to term and there was something wrong, any caregiving role for the child would inevitably fall to my DCs as we (the parents) get older. I can't hand that potential responsibility to my children.

All that aside, we have given away all the baby things, don't have the room for a third child, and the money (or lack of) worries me too. Youngest dc is about to start school and we're finally starting to see some spare cash now that we're not paying through the nose for childcare.

I sound horrible reading that back but I just can't do this. I feel guilty too because several friends have had fertility problems or several miscarriages. Apart from dh and dsis, i feel i cant talk to anyone else.

I have an appt booked for next week for a medical termination. I know this is the right thing to do.

It's so hard isnt it? Have a hand to hold flowers

aimeeabbie Thu 08-Sep-16 23:31:37

Gosh you sound just like me. I had the termination 3 weeks ago and i won't lie it is an emotional roller coaster. I know is was the right decision but i just can't help thinking what if and just very guilty. I think i am probably just torturing myself so when i start to feel sad i just go back to the reasons i had it done. I also think that although i had a scan at 5 weeks i have no idea if this pregnancies would have gone full term and i am punishing myself over something that might not have been. My husband keeps saying think of the 3 children we have and how it might have effected them and he is right. It is very hard but in the end we have to make a decision that is right for ourselves and our families. I didn't talked to anyone else either and that makes it harder. I recently talked to a friend and it really helped and i am thinking about telling my mum. I hope you came to a decision that was right for you.
It is very hard, but you are not alone, take care of yourself flowers

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