I had a termination at 10 weeks last year. I had a private scan done a couple of days before because I didn't think I'd actually go through with it but I did. I still remember its little arms and legs stumps wriggling around and heart beating-it was healthy. But I still did it. My baby would've been turning one this month. I feel terrible and my partner doesn't seem to care at all. He says he does but why isn't he hurting like me. DC1 keeps saying they want a baby sibling, cant help but thinking "yeah you would've had one". Dp said we couldn't have another baby, it wouldn't be fair on the DC already have. And I was so exhuasted and sick i thought if I cant cope being pregnant and looking after dcs how will I cope when im even more pregnant/newborn/toddler etc. But I would've managed! Dont know why I'm posting this as I only have myself to blame just had to get it out. No one knows except DP as I'm just so ashamed and disgusted at myself and I cant talk to him about it as it just makes me so mad he's not feeling guilty and sad like me.
I'm so sorry op. What a hard situation, I think men experience termination very differently as they are removed from the whole situation as they aren't the ones who are pregnant- I think often they manage to distance themselves. Have you seen a counsellor? I found it really helped to just be able to open up to someone impartial. The feeling of guilt and regret is just awful, all I can say is that it does fade with time - I have learned to live with it but it hasn't gone away. You made the decision which you felt was your only option at the time and you have to remember the reasons for that - you didn't know how you would feel afterwards and you did the best for your older child at the time.