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This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

Can I feel upset that I had an abortion?

(22 Posts)
IveBecomeSoNumb Fri 05-Aug-16 18:27:24

I had the first part of my termination yesterday. I was 23+5 the baby had severe heart defects and was unlikely to survive after its first operation let alone live past 5. I feel so numb and lost that my baby has died. But I can't help feel like it's my fault. I knew he wouldn't of had a good quality of life, but I hate what I've done and I'm plagued with guilt that I killed my child. I am not allowing myself to grieve for my loss because I don't feel I'm entitled to. As it was my choice. I don't quite know what to do right now and sorry for rambling on.

KP86 Fri 05-Aug-16 18:29:49

I'm so sorry for your loss.

You made the best decision for your child (not for yourself), in fact it was pretty selfless to put them before your grief in this situation.

You are more than allowed to grieve. This is a loss, like any other.

Again, I'm sorry. I hope you've got support at this awful time.

KittyandTeal Fri 05-Aug-16 18:36:49

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I have had a termination for medical reasons. I usually distinguish between a tfmr and an abortion/termination of an unwanted pregnancy (I am very pro choice btw) because although you have 'chosen' in the loosest possible way to end your babies life, and suffering, it is still baby loss and the grief that comes with it.

I also felt guilt. Our dd2 had edwards which is lethal so it's not much of a choice but I still felt guilt. It's normal, absolutely unnecessary, but normal.

It is by far the worst situation I have ever been in (I have also recently lost ds st 14 weeks 'naturally') Give yourself time and allow whatever it is that you are feeling. Also, please feel that you can post in miscarriage and pregnancy loss, there is much more traffic from posters with similar stories to ours.

Have you been in touch with arc or sands? Both are brilliant charities dealing with baby loss.

ITCouldBeWorse Fri 05-Aug-16 18:36:52

You poor thing.
I am sorry for your loss. Making the best decision you can under the circumstances does make make it your choice and does not mean you do not have the right to grieve.

Logically speaking your grief is even more entitled as you feel at fault, even though of course you are not. Combine this with the hormonal and physical impact, you need to be very kind to yourself.

I hope you feel some peace very soon.

IveBecomeSoNumb Fri 05-Aug-16 18:37:50

Thank you KP86, I'm really struggling at the moment and I don't really have anyone I can turn to as all my family are grieving too and I don't want to burden them with how I am feeling. sad

wobblywonderwoman Fri 05-Aug-16 18:40:32

flowers

Sorry for your loss. I think you did the best for your baby and sorry you had to go through this pain.

IveBecomeSoNumb Fri 05-Aug-16 18:40:45

Thank you KittyandTeal, I didn't think I could post in miscarriage and pregnancy loss. I'm so so sorry about you DD2 and DS. Sending you flowers

Thank you ItCouldBeWorse flowers

IveBecomeSoNumb Fri 05-Aug-16 18:42:03

Thank you wobblywonderwoman

VashtaNerada Fri 05-Aug-16 18:43:55

I don't have any experience of this but I'm sure that guilt is a normal (but unjustified!) emotion in that situation. In fact, everyone feels guilty after a bereavement regardless of the circumstances ("I should have been a better daughter" or whatever). Try to be easy on yourself, you've suffered a terrible loss and it WAS NOT your fault flowers

KittyandTeal Fri 05-Aug-16 18:45:58

I got that feeling and I just wanted to say of course you can. Tfmrs are traumatic and awful, you have lost a much wanted baby. 💐

sparechange Fri 05-Aug-16 18:50:27

I'm so sorry for your loss. I've been through a very similar situation, and yes of course it is normal to feel guilty about the termination. I also felt guilty that my body 'let down' the baby by allowing the defects to develop, even though it is totally irrationally, and medically impossible.

Take the coming days, weeks and months slowly. Don't feel you have to push yourself into doing anything, or seeing anyone if you don't feel 100% up to it.

And please lean on whoever you need to get you through this. ARC were amazing, as were the boards here. Kitty deserves a medal for the support she gives to other posters here dealing with loss, and many others will do all they can to listen and support (me included, please PM me if you ever want to)

Lots of un-MN hugs xx

bluebelle2662 Sat 06-Aug-16 18:29:41

I'm sorry for your loss.

I had TFMR in April at a similar gestation. It is devastating and I am heartbroken. If you want to PM me for a chat, feel free. Or join the ARC forum.

Guilt is normal. I feel it too. But you did the right thing, I promise you, you did the right thing

IveBecomeSoNumb Sun 07-Aug-16 08:52:44

Thank you. He was born last night at 11:45. I'm absolutely heart broken I couldn't take him home.

UnfitMotherr Sun 07-Aug-16 08:57:05

I'm so sorry for your loss 💐 please don't feel guilty. You have done nothing wrong and shouldn't have to battle those ones alongside your grief.

Did you get the chance to spend time with your baby? xxx

Chrisinthemorning Sun 07-Aug-16 09:03:04

I'm so sorry for your loss flowers
Speak to ARC, join the ARC forum, keep talking here. It does get easier eventually, I promise.
It isn't a termination in these circumstances- to me it was absolutely a pregnancy loss/ miscarriage. There was no choice in it for us.

Ditsy4 Sun 07-Aug-16 09:05:57

You need to have some counselling to come to terms with this sad event. Believe it or not the group LIFE have very experienced counsellors for post abortion regardless of the circumstances. It has a website and is a national organisation.
So sorry for you but do think about getting support.

IveBecomeSoNumb Sun 07-Aug-16 09:25:19

Thank you all. I'm not quite ready to talk about it to a professional yet I'm not managing to show how I truly feel to others in real life other than DP.

UnfitMotherr I spent a good 5/6 hours just holding him, dressing him and telling him how much we love him. But handing him back has to be one of the worst things I've ever had to do. We're sorting out a place of rest for him tomorrow and hopefully have a little ceremony with family to give him a proper send off.

ITCouldBeWorse Sun 07-Aug-16 16:13:16

So sorry. Try to take care of you and grieve with others.

KittyandTeal Sun 07-Aug-16 16:16:28

I still say that giving dd2 back to the mw and walking out of the hospital without her is the hardest thing I have ever had to do, harder than the decision to have a termination. I remember the physical pain pulling me back into the hospital and sitting in the car, holding her memory box with my dh sobbing telling him we couldn't leave yet.

Utterly horrific

bluebelle2662 Sun 07-Aug-16 20:40:38

I gave my DS back quite quickly... I didn't want him to lose his colour... I wanted him to look like he was sleeping in my memory. And he does.

Leaving the hospital though, was agony. My tiny, beautiful boy.

I'm 4 months down the line and still not back at work. I can't face it. Please take some time off and look after yourself. Be kind to yourself.

IveBecomeSoNumb Sun 07-Aug-16 21:59:55

I just couldn't hand him back BlueBelle. I just can't believe he's gone.

bluebelle2662 Mon 08-Aug-16 16:49:56

I know my lovely, it's horrible. It is the worst thing I have ever had to do.

I've just passed my due date and it is hard. I am struggling with anxiety.

I have been in touch with a local charity who have been amazing, even if you're not local to them they will support you. I don't know how to do links, but they're called Charlie's Angel Centre. ARC are good also, join the forums. I'm on there too.

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