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This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

Considering termination of 3rd pregnancy...anyone been here?

(19 Posts)
ratheralargemistake Fri 05-Aug-16 14:54:17

I've just found out I'm pregnant - it's a horrible shock and I'm really unhappy about it and so is my husband. I'm sorry if this offends anyone trying for a baby - but we really don't want another at all.

We were waiting for a vasectomy, stupidly had unprotected sex just after I'd had coil removed, and took the morning after pill - which evidently didn't work.

We already have two, 5 and 3 and we're really happy. I've just started working again. And we just feel like we're breathing again after all the hard work. I'm about to turn 40. I really really can't bare the thought of going back to all the sleepless nights, baby stuff everywhere etc etc. No part of me feels maternal when I see a small baby - just pleased I'm passed that bit. Plus I've already had two ceasareans, the last one was very hard to recover from and it's still numb in that area. So my reasons are I guess that I just dont' want another, and that medically maybe it's not great for my body.

I've booked counselling with Marie Stopes and then have made plans to have the termination. I am worried about how I'll feel afterwards....has anyone terminated after already having children? Did you find it very hard psychologically? Any similar stories would be very gratefully received. Have name changed for obvious reasons.

PotatoesPastaAndBread Fri 05-Aug-16 14:56:40

Hi rather

I'm sorry I can't help, but I would suggest you ask MNHQ to move your post to pregnancy choices rather than the pregnancy loss section.

I hope you get the help and advice you need flowers

ratheralargemistake Fri 05-Aug-16 14:57:59

Oh I'm so sorry - I wasn't sure where to put it and then saw someone else's similar post - will ask them right now - thank you!

ratheralargemistake Fri 05-Aug-16 15:07:09

I've asked them to move it - so sorry if it upsets anyone in the mean time.

ratheralargemistake Fri 05-Aug-16 17:43:28

Anybody? Would be so grateful!

TanteRose Fri 05-Aug-16 17:55:25

Sorry, I haven't personally experienced what you're going through but I know that I'm fairly certain that I would have terminated had I got pregnant a third time.
This is an interesting article (I was actually searching for Caitlin Moran's article on her experience of termination of her third pregnancy)
Hope you can get some more opinions flowers

ratheralargemistake Fri 05-Aug-16 22:48:09

That is incredibly helpful Tante thank you so much - funnily enough I told a very close friend earlier and she also said mothers having terminations is hugely taboo. I am pro-choice and I absolutely know I don't want another baby - but then there's still this little voice in the background. I just wish I could get it done tomorrow instead of having to wait till its six weeks (which apparently I have to do).

Tippytoes13 Mon 22-Aug-16 21:22:45

Ratheralargemistake-I was in your situation, didn't take any risks though, but my coil failed with my third baby, I was so shocked and upset to find myself pregnant, I simply wasn't ready to have another child. I had a scan which showed a fetus, I was dated at 9 weeks 5 days, I was further on than I initially thought I was. I had my coil removed and was told by the doctor at the hospital, he was 99% sure I would miscarry, I never did. I spent many sleepless nights, wondering what the hell I was going to do. I spoke to a friend on Facebook, who I trusted and she told me she had an abortion, in her late 20's and it was the worst thing she had done, she even went to church to ask for forgiveness and she wasn't even religious and she told me you won't regret keeping a baby, but you will regret aborting a baby, that just made me realise that I couldn't abort our baby and my husband was happy to support me. We went on to have a healthy baby girl, when I first laid eyes on her, I couldn't believe she may not have been with us. It's always a difficult situation to find yourself in, I was so worried about the older two having less attention and how much harder it's going to be, it is hard I won't lie, but I'm so glad we made the decision we made. I would definitely speak to a counsellor whatever option you choose, it will help. Whatever you decide, I'm sure will be the right choice for you! flowers

JinkxMonsoon Mon 22-Aug-16 21:30:32

It makes me uneasy when people say (and they always do) "you'll never regret a baby".

Well no, because it's massively taboo to say you wish one of your children had never been born.

That doesn't mean that a termination is always a bad choice.

OP, FWIW I totally understand how you feel because I have two children and a third is Not An Option. If I found myself accidentally pregnant I would terminate. My physical and mental health couldn't handle a pregnancy. Another child would ruin us financially. Simple as that.

I'm not saying it's an easy decision to make, but just remember the choice is yours and you have plenty of good reasons not to carry on with the pregnancy.

Pippin8 Mon 22-Aug-16 21:42:58

This happened to me, my DC were 9 and 6. I had just been accepted onto a nursing degree. We were finacially stable for once & I had my coil removed, as DH had a vasectomy. We'd had sex 2 days before & hadnt got the ok from the semen sample. I never even thought & my GP didn't ask.

Anyway, I found out & had 1st scan at 6 weeks. My DSis was pregnant with her 1st at the same time. I had a MTOP at 9 weeks, it was fine. I've never looked back & have only been upset about it once, when I was with DSis as she gave birth around what should've been my due date. I don't regret it. It was right, not just for me, but for us as a family. We wouldn't be where we are now if we'd had a third child.

WhatAreSafflowers Mon 22-Aug-16 21:44:19

I haven't terminated after having children but I did have a termination before. And I would again if I fell pregnant once our family is complete.

I knew I didn't want the baby when I had the termination, and my reasons were enough for me. It doesn't have to be justifiable in someone else's eyes, only you need to feel that it's the right thing to do.

canary1 Mon 22-Aug-16 21:44:26

Was in same situation. Think it depends on how you personally feel about termination. If you are not comfortable about it, you could think about it with some regret for the rest of your days ( though you'd likely feel relief in the short term). If you are comfortable with the idea, then you are unlikely to have short term or long term regret. I hated every second of my surprise pregnancy, and cried my way through much of it, but love my baba to bits, as do the older siblings. Hope you make a plan and are at peace with whatever decision you make X

Lilibel1991 Sat 27-Aug-16 20:07:58

This was me, literally 6 weeks ago. I was booked to have the implant, we did the deed and I intended to go and get the morning after pill the next day, my best friend went into labour that day, ended up spending my whole weekend with her/babysitting her eldest and it completely slipped my mind!
I have 2 children already, dd1 is 4 and a half and dd2 is 18 months. I've just started my accountancy studies, volunteer twice a month at breast feeding clinic and am secretary at my daughter's pre school. We never intended to have anymore children and it was a complete mistake to not take the morning after pill! I have too much going for us as a family at the minute to even think about another child. I had a surgical termination at Marie stopes 2 weeks ago. Me and OH are proud of our decision, we made the right choice for our family and dont regret a thing. Although the experience wasn't great and it's definitely not something I want to go through again, it was the only way it could happen for us. Good luck with your decision and whatever you decide to do will be the right thing x

Flum Sat 27-Aug-16 20:13:37

You will work out what is best for you and your family. Meet opinions may muddy the waters though.

ozymandiusking Sat 27-Aug-16 20:49:30

I have been in this situation. At the time we had a 3 year old and a 1year old in a 2 bedroomed house, and no sign of moving at the time. although we did move a little later. I conceived with a coil. I had a termination I was about 4 weeks by then. Forty years later I bitterly regret it I really wish we had had more children. But at the time I really didn't want another baby.
So all you can do is think about it, but you are never going to know how you will feel in the future.
I wish you the best of luck, but time goes by very quickly and remember all those baby things are not really around for very long. x

RepentAtLeisure Sat 27-Aug-16 20:51:57

You don't need excuses/reasons as to why you don't want this pregnancy, just not wanting it is enough.

I wish we heard more positive stories about abortion. So many women have them and never say anything because of the huge burden of having to express eternal regret and wanting to thrash themselves with branches. It's just a procedure to remove a clump of cells early on. Remember that so many women lose pregnancies and never know about it because they miscarry very early.

I don't know if you've read it, but the chapter in How To Be A Woman by Caitlin Moran about abortion is fantastic. She was in a similar position actually, she didn't want a third child. I found this from an interview. "In my dream feminism world, every single woman who’d had an abortion would say, "I had an abortion." 1 in 3 women will have had an abortion, 1 in 3 won’t tell you. If all the women who’d had them who are prominent would say it, "It hasn’t fucked me up, I’ve carried on my life happily" ... it’s when women try to keep it secret and when we lie about the normality of being a women that we hurt ourselves."

FruitCider Sat 27-Aug-16 20:58:32

My DD is 3, I fell pregnant a year ago and had a termination. I had a really bad pregnancy and although I want to foster/adopt a child in the future I just don't want to carry another pregnancy to term, the last one destroyed me. I feel a bit selfish as I could have afforded another child, but my pregnancy was so horrific I just couldn't face being pregnant again.

GrumpyDullard Sat 27-Aug-16 21:06:42

You sound like you know your own mind and I think that means you will make the right decision for you.
I had an abortion in my 20s and I knew it was the right thing to do and I have never regretted it for a minute.
But then, having had two children in my 30s, I found myself pregnant by mistake in my 40s. I couldn't think of a single good reason to have a baby but the thought of a termination made me feel incredibly painfully unhappy. I couldn't go through with an abortion, although I made an appointment, and so I had a baby. I don't regret that decision either.
Don't worry what anyone else thinks. Do what is right for you and your family. Either way, it will be OK.

Lilibel1991 Thu 01-Sep-16 20:01:56

OP just wondering how you're doing? X

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