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This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

Don't want this baby

(26 Posts)
Imnotmyself Mon 11-Jul-16 22:45:04

Sorry, hope this post does not offend anyone, but I am now 18 weeks with my third child. i am one of three and always thought that I would like to have three children. I am now 40 and my other two are 6 and 3. The younger one will start school whilst I am on mat leave. So, I am basically horrified that in my forties I have set the clock back 4 years. We were so nearly out of the bit and then I had a miscarriage last year and this crazy woman took over and demanded a third child. Fact is on very moderate salaries we cannot afford a third child. I find now that when we are in the park and my dd asks for an ice-cream I feel panicky. Yes, the two of you can have an ice-cream today, but tbh (and I don't obvs say this to the girls) when the new one comes along forget it. Forget the odd meal out, forget a coffee in town, forget new clothes, shoes (and I'm talking about the kids), any sort of staycation whatsoever (ok possibly wild camping). I don't know what I was thinking to think it was a good idea to rock the financial boat so violently. We have no support nearby, my father is currently in hospital for cancer (my parents live 7 hours drive away and he's in hospital 4 hours drive from where I live). My mil lives 4 hours drive away and is looking after her very elderly mother. I have had two c-sections - second time I nearly lost my bladder. So, I will be home alone with two kids, a baby and a c-section scar. Oh and stat mat pay. I have not been happy at work since I had my first _I changed to part time and I my job changed completely. Only recently (after two years) have I got a project to work on that is interesting and keeping me occupied for the whole day. I really worry that going back a third time ( and I will have to) will have the same effect - no work and I've started thinking hte very real possibility of redundancy. We can't live on my Dh's salary. But childcare will eat most of mine. Just wanted to get that all out there. Have thought about terminating but my dh told me I would regret it and by the time I seriously looked into the option it was at a point where it involved 'rods in the cervix'. I don't know what to do to view this pregnancy in a positive light and my unhappiness is affecting my (previously great) relationship with my existing two kids who I love dearly. Any thoughts?

katemiddletonsnudeheels Mon 11-Jul-16 22:49:14

Oh, Op flowers I know it's useless but I just want to give you a massive hug!

I do think, for what it's worth, a lot of what you are experiencing is mad panic: you're trying to think how the new baby will fit in financially and emotionally and can't, but when he or she is here they just WILL.

But that being said, it's your choice. Are you seriously considering ending the pregnancy or are you committed to it but regretting that? Xx

Ilovewillow Mon 11-Jul-16 22:52:47

I'm not sure I can offer any advice but it does sound like blind panic at the moment. Financially you will find a way!

I think you need to try to calm down and as a family think carefully about any options you have!

A big hug flowers

Idontknowwhoiam Mon 11-Jul-16 22:55:31

I've recently had my third child and was in a panic and had a fair few what was I thinking moments.
I toon had my third section, after my first 2 children I had severe pnd and Tbh was shitting myself about this new baby.

I have to say that he ha made me so happy and I am so absolutely besotted with him it's unreal.

I've never felt like this with my other two babies and wondered what all the fuss was about.

We're skint, I'm knackered and can't wait for the summer holidays so I don't have to get out of the house at a certain time but honestly I've never been happier!

Everything I read about third children scared the life out of me, it all seemed like chaos and misery but it doesn't have to be that way. It may just all pan out.

I hope you feel better soon x

WottyMcWottFace Mon 11-Jul-16 23:06:08

Idontknowwhoiam I'm with you!

I was terrified during my pregnancy with my third, full of what am I doing moments...but she's here now and it's truly wonderful! A competent different experience to 1 and 2 ( also 6&3) she's complete us as a family and for me knowing she's my last o treasure things I missed with the others.
Op try and relax and enjoy baby when it's here! All will be ok flowers

Imnotmyself Mon 11-Jul-16 23:51:49

thanks for all the positive responses. It makes me feel a bit better, but life just seems so bleak at the moment.
I felt physically sick when the mechanics of a 17 week termination were described. I just wish I had had the guts to get on with it when I realised I was pregnant at 9 weeks. I thought it was 5 and the GP told me I had time to mull things over and my dh told me I would regret the termination for the rest of my life. He did not want any more children and seems to be kind of in denial about the financial reality. 'We will be able to afford shoes' 'we will be able to afford dancing lessons' 'If you lose your job you will get another one at the same salary level'. I have looked online and it seems pie in the sky to believe the last of those comments. I feel so guilty. He did not want more on the basis of being knackered all the time and having no time to ourselves in our forties. How I wish I had listened to him and compromised. Now I fear we will lose our house and our happy lives. I can't go through with termination at this late stage. I was brought up to believe it is murder: a fact which my mother strongly reiterated on the phone the other night. I just feel so trapped. Trapped in a job I hate - one year from the finish line (the point at which I could have changed job, gone full time, maintained same salary for two extra days' work). I now find I am four - five years from that line and by then I will be in my mid-forties, with no qualifications to speak of except for a degree I completed at the age of 22.

Imnotmyself Mon 11-Jul-16 23:53:57

Hey! Positive thought. I need to get some sort of vocational qualification now, don't I?!

Idontknowwhoiam Tue 12-Jul-16 00:03:25

That's what I'm doing in September.
I've decided that it's now or never to change my career (which I hated amyway) so I'm going to use my mat leave to do it!

You've got so much on your plate right now and being pregnant with children to look after sucks big time too.

I felt worse being pregnant that I do now having a new born. I think all the worry was keeping me up so I was exhausted before I started my day...

I suffered a late miscarriage (23 weeks) and it was an awful experience. I imagine a termination at your gestastion would be similar and very difficult to go through with.

I now shop at aldis,y dh takes lunch to work and we go to days out to somewhere free with a picnic!

Can your oh maybe have the kids for a day so you can have some time to yourself to unwind for a few hours?

Cathaka15 Tue 12-Jul-16 00:16:26

I do understand your worries. I had similar worries with my third. But when he came along he changed our world. After such a difficult patch in our lives financially and physically he was a real blessing. We realised what's really important in life. Please just take a big breath and try not to panick. All will be well. smile

AprilSkies44 Tue 12-Jul-16 00:26:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cathaka15 Tue 12-Jul-16 00:40:33

April- sorry for your loss.

Icecappedpinetrees Tue 12-Jul-16 00:46:35

Everything you wrote reminded me of when I had post natal anxiety. Speculating, projecting, catastrophising.

I'd sit down, get your logical head on and look at the cold hard facts. Can you physically all survive? Do you want another little human being to complete your family? If no, well, do what you need to. If yes, get help for anxiety and be mindful (easier said than done) you can't worry about everything all at once.

AprilSkies44 Tue 12-Jul-16 01:48:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LilacInn Tue 12-Jul-16 02:28:11

OP would adoption be an option? Many loving homes would await the child. Just a thought.

Everythingstaken Tue 12-Jul-16 11:35:09

I was in your shoes last year and it was a truly awful time. The guilt is just all consuming and the anxiety and panic I felt was like nothing I have experienced. I realised that I couldn't terminate but then had a roller coaster of high risk results at the 12wk point followed by an amino. So for the first 12 weeks I was an emotional wreck but trying to keep that from my other two children. The anxiety remained with me until my baby was born. I now can't believe I felt the way I did at the beginning. I feel so lucky to have her, we all adore her and she has made our family complete. I am so relieved! Of course I still panic at the thought of years of childcare costs and the things all of the children may now miss out on because of having a third child, but i am just having to try to get over this.
Try to stay strong, keep positive, talk to your midwife if you feel able, mine were amazing at keeping me positive. Remember you are not alone, it will be ok (flowers)

Everythingstaken Tue 12-Jul-16 11:37:27

Oops should have said for the first 20week I was an emotional wreck!

timelytess Tue 12-Jul-16 11:48:55

I just feel so trapped
I remember that feeling during pregnancy, and I only had one. I suspect you're going through a phase (its not your age, its your stage of pregnancy!) where the reality of life with a very dependant infant kicks in, and you're anticipating things that might be a problem. Its probably some kind of survival strategy for the baby's benefit.
Have a cup of something soothing and don't worry. The world will still be there waiting for you. It will be ok.

Idontknowwhoiam Tue 12-Jul-16 12:39:26

I just want to say not to feel guilty about April's comment.
April I'm sorry for your loss and I can see you've apologised but it's not fair on the op.
I've had several miscarriages and a stillbirth before my 3 living children were born but I still had all of these feelings with my third child.
I really think you need some tlc and support op and you'll feel better about everything x

PotteringAlong Tue 12-Jul-16 13:42:26

April; that's not fair. It's a horrible thing that you've gone through but that doesn't diminish the op's feelings. My sister had to have a lot of IVF before she had her children. My mum once, and only once suggested that I should not express any form of tiredness /dissatisfaction / any sense that motherhood was less than perfect because my sister would kill to be in my position. I knew she would; but knowing I was expected to be grateful and never have a hint of struggling was unfair and a big burden. It's not misery top trumps.

toadierocks Tue 12-Jul-16 14:20:50

There is a section for Pregnancy choices - perhaps you should ask for this thread to be moved to there!

So Sorry for your loss April

DiggersRest Tue 12-Jul-16 14:22:31

OP l had the money worries with dd1 and dd2, l think that is natural. I also understand how you feel re the mc and getting pregnant. I know that 2 dc is my limit while l love the idea of being pregnant and a newborn one last time.


Imnotmyself Tue 12-Jul-16 16:14:04

April - I am sorry for your loss and your comments are fully justified.

Imnotmyself Tue 12-Jul-16 16:16:38

Adoption is something I have considered, but my dh is dead against that and my wee girls would find that difficult to get their heads round as would I in the end. I guess it's why I have not terminated. I would find that difficult to get my head round.

MyKingdomForBrie Tue 12-Jul-16 16:31:23

Like another poster said upthread OP - you are panicking and that is leading to catastrophising.

Take some deep breaths. It will not be the disaster you predict. As you say, you're 18 weeks now, a termination would probably be traumatic for you and make you feel 100 times worse.

The baby feels like nothing but an impossible burden at the moment but that will not be how you feel after birth. Yes there will be some stressful moments and some hard choices. There will be so much to console for that though.

Your job is just that - a job. You can find another, or you can talk to your boss at the current one and sort out how long you will have off, what will happen when you go back etc. The kids will cope without an ice cream every time they go to the park. Buy a ock of ice pops to keep in the freezer instead. There are so many fixes and solutions for all the worries you list.

You're letting it all overwhelm you, it's no wonder you can't think or see straight flowers

April, so sorry for your loss flowers

Imnotmyself Sun 17-Jul-16 18:53:58

a couple of people (including my mum!) have now suggested adoption as an option. Has anyone done this? Think my other two would find it confusing. But I just keep thinking child care costs going forward are going to be at least 50% of my (very) moderate salary and that's IF i get to keep my job (and there's a big if). This would have been my chance to look for something else and get out of a job I hate. Now I am stuck there as looking around, i find that jobs I am qualified for would pay less and would barely cover childcare costs - let alone anything else. (15k childcare in case you are wondering). Why, oh why, oh why , oh why did I let myself get into this mess. My dh seems to be in denial about the whole money thing. Apparently I am catastrophising and 'making up figures'. I've added up the childcare based on what is currently charged where we live and I've taken the salary mentioned on our P60s as our salaries. Those figures are apparently not true - so the P60 lies. So, yeah, any experience of giving up a third child for adoption, from what was until recently a very loving and happy family.?

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