This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

Pregnant - and not sure I want to be

(26 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

SybilsLeaves Fri 08-Jul-16 21:29:21

Please please don't flame me - I don't feel comfortable talking about this in real life but could do with some perspectives.

I have a 21 month old toddler, very much planned, and I went back to work to a new job when she was about a year old. It's a top 4 firm, typically high pressures and not that great with women generally. I feel like I've just found my niche, developed my networks and on promotion track for this time next year. Thought even if I didn't get it next year, it would definitely happen the year after.

DH has had multiple mental health (depression) issues over the years, meaning he's never been able to hold down a job or finish his degree. When I was pregnant, it galvanised him to get the help he needed and he's managed to get onto a good degree programme. For the first time since I've been with him, he's developing his confidence and is optimistic he'll stick with it to graduation this time next year.

Our plan was to try and conceive early next year; I'd hopefully be promoted before I had to tell the firm about the pregnancy and he would hopefully have a job to provide some financial stability after the baby was born.

And then my period was 2 weeks late, I've just taken a test and bam, 2 lines pop up. We're both in shock and I'm actually worried about how negatively he's taken it - no hint of happiness at all. We've both said we need to process it and that a termination is a possibility.

Am I crazy for thinking about it? We know we want more children and I always thought if I was pregnant in a loving, stable relationship there's no way I would even consider this. But financially we'd be badly off, with only SMP, whatever that would be, professionally it would set me back at least 2 years and I know he's worried about whether he'll be able to make it through his degree. And honestly, if he doesn't, I don't know where that leaves us because I am tired of being the sole breadwinner. All I keep thinking is 'this is not the right time'.

Sorry for the mammoth post - I guess this is me processing. Anyone been in a similar position? Any insights to share?

mineofuselessinformation Fri 08-Jul-16 21:34:56

Give him time to think about it.
I do t know what he will say, but it's obviously a shock for you both. flowers

PurpleDaisies Fri 08-Jul-16 21:41:54

Sorry you're in this position. Have you thought about talking to an impartial counsellor who can help you decide what's the right course of action for your family? There's no right or wrong decision as long as you're sure.

I hope you don't mind, I've reported the thread for moving to pregnancy choices where you are more likely to get helpful responses.

SybilsLeaves Fri 08-Jul-16 21:43:23

Thanks mine, it really is. I just didn't envision feeling like this 2nd time round; I thought we'd both be uncomplicatedly happy like last time

SybilsLeaves Fri 08-Jul-16 21:45:30

Thanks purple, sorry if I'm in the wrong place; I didn't realise there was a pregnancy choices section blush

Do you know where I could find a counsellor for this sort of issue?

PurpleDaisies Fri 08-Jul-16 21:47:22

No you're not necessarily in the wrong place-you're pregnant! It's just that the pregnancy choices topic tends to be a better one if you're considering whether or not you want to be.

You could see your GP and ask to be referred to a counsellor, or I think you can contact the BPAS directly.

IonaMumsnet (MNHQ) Fri 08-Jul-16 21:48:02

Hi there OP. We'll move this over to Pregnancy Choices for you now.

SybilsLeaves Sat 09-Jul-16 05:16:29

Bump - anyone else around?

SybilsLeaves Sat 09-Jul-16 18:24:30

Anyone?

TwentyCupsOfTea Sat 09-Jul-16 18:31:30

Don't forget you already have a child, and I think existing children should come first. You may never have expected to abort in a happy stable relationship, but when considering this in the past I would assume you were picturing yourself childless then.
There is no shame in having a termination. You must do what is best for you and your family. Unfortunately no one can tell you what that is as the decision is yours alone. Try to think how much either out cine would affect you all.
️Plenty of women abort and go on to have more , planned, children. If you choose to end this pregnancy it doesn't mean it would be your last.

SybilsLeaves Sat 09-Jul-16 18:39:38

Thanks tea, I have an idea in my head that women who terminate can have problems conceiving again, though don't know where I heard that.

I definitely do want another child, it's just a case of 'not yet'. The more I think about it, the more it feels like an impossible situation to bring a baby into.

TwentyCupsOfTea Sat 09-Jul-16 18:47:09

As far as I am aware, during surgical terminations there is a very slight risk of damage causing fertility problems later. I understand this is very rare and your doctor can talk through all the risks with you to let you make an informed decision.
The thing is, once the baby is here there's no going back as I'm sure you are aware. Your partner may come round to the idea, he may not. Do you think you could cope alone if it came to it?
Abortion is legal in this country for situations like yours, lots of women - and mothers - have them, not just teenagers/people in crippling debt/homeless women. You don't have to be in the worst case scenario to have one, and it sounds like that's what is troubling you.
You can speak to a Marie stopes clinic who can offer counselling which could help you.

eyestotheskies Sun 10-Jul-16 21:37:47

Sorry you're facing such a dilemma op.

i think sometimes it can feel as though a termination will end the stressful situation caused by a pregnancy which has come at the wrong time, however an abortion can cause a lot of confusing and painful emotions. It doesn't just take you back to the position of being not pregnant, like before this happened as there is so much to process afterwards.

I would speak to a counsellor. Just make sure it's 100% your decision and you're not doing it for your partner.

Doodles15 Mon 11-Jul-16 18:47:14

Hi OP,
I am in a simulate circumstance albeit with different reasons. My daughter has just turned 18 months and is an horrific sleeper. We have no support round us as both parents live at least three hours away. Like you I had a career pre-baby and had achieved Director level but chose not to go back as I fortunate enough that my husband can support us (this could change at any given moment). I have found out that I am pregnant and cried solidly for two days. My heart tells me that it is wrong to go theough with a termination but my head tells me that dd is too young for a sibling and that we won't be able to cope well enough to offer both the best of us. Like you I really want a second and if I am honest thought it might happen the one time we didn't use contraception but I was not prepared for the reality. I have booked in for next week for the procedure but am still torn as to what to do. I go from adamant it is the right thing to thinking about how bad I might feel. I think a lot of this is around the stigma surrounding terminations which is not necessarily fair.
You can only do what feels right for you. The woman who did my assessment told me that no one is ever 100% before the procedure and that the vast majority of people are relieved afterwards. There will be an element of guilt and sadness but you are effectively grieving in a way. Like you I never ever saw myself even considering this but it is now a very real situation. I was also told that the chance of it affecting my fertility is absolutely remote. I am able to cancel right up until the day.
You need to do what is right for you and your family that you have. Try not to think about the what ifs and that sort of thing and know that whatever you decide was made out of love and logic on what is best for you all x

SybilsLeaves Tue 12-Jul-16 10:29:10

Thanks everyone - I met with my GP this morning and have an appt with BPAS this afternoon.

doodles your post really resonates. I think I'm 80% there in terms of my decision and that's all head; the other 20% is heart and i know that won't change. At the end of the day, this is a baby, my baby, created out of love, and I can't be 100% sure that it's the right decision not to have it.

That being said, my mother was an ambivalent parent and I wouldn't wish that kind of childhood on anyone; feelings of guilt and anxiety that it was somehow your fault for being born and messing up the lives of your parents. I don't think I would parent like that, but I also want to be less ambivalent than I am currently, as I don't want any hint of this to impact a child's experience of being parented by me.

I'm waffling a bit..! I think, in summary, I've accepted that the right thing for all of us is to end it, but recognising the emotional consequences of that decision aren't likely to fully hit until after. Thoughts are with you Doodles, keep posting if it helps to talk x

Imnotmyself Wed 13-Jul-16 15:42:29

I'm now 18 weeks and my anxiety/ambivalence about my pregnancy has not got better. I hugely regret not having terminated at 9 weeks. My worry/stress about money issues and the difficult life that I am subjecting myself and my family to has already adversely affected my previously brilliant relationship with my 6 year and 3 year olds. I can't make your decision for you, but what stopped me terminating was that I was brought up to believe it was akin to murder and was a terrible thing to do. I now feel, if you afterwards can't afford shoes for the ones that you can afford shoes for now, then that's also somehow unfair on the family you already have. If I could roll back 9 weeks I would terminate in a heartbeat - I've since discovered two friends who in the past terminated at that stage. Neither has regretted it. I find it hard to spend time with my two girls at the moment because of the immense guilt I feel at having robbed them of a comfortable if far from affluent upbringing.

Doodles15 Wed 13-Jul-16 16:34:19

SybilsLeaves I have PMd you.
Imnotmyself, I am so sorry to hear how you are feeling. Is there anyone that you can talk to about how you feel or could you get in touch with your midwife and they may be able to point you in a direction.

SybilsLeaves Wed 13-Jul-16 19:37:44

imnot that sounds so rough - I'm so sorry. Is it now too late to take that decision?

I know what you mean about the comparison to murder and that's at the back of my mind too. I keep thinking about what the midwife said when my toddler was a newborn - happy mum = happy baby, and I think having this baby will make me unhappy, thereby affecting both children and, very probably, my marriage as well.

I think you should still be able to access counselling through the BPAS service, if you check with them flowers

SybilsLeaves Wed 13-Jul-16 19:40:35

Another update from me - BPAS screwed up the appt yesterday so I was turned away. Cried tears of frustration having psyched myself up and a lovely worker from the Marie Stopes sat and talked things through with me. I've now booked in for a consultation and surgical termination on the same day (Saturday).

I guess I may change my mind after the consultation, but I think actually my resolve is hardening that this is the right decision for all of us.

cbigs Wed 13-Jul-16 19:45:51

Aw op this is all so awful for you. I think if you can feel ok about terminating ( as in if you imagine it done how would you feel?) then it sounds right for you .
I considered a termination with my first and then just could not go through with it . 17 years later he is the apple of my eye but ofcourse once they're here we can't imagine it differently can we. So either way there will be regret .
Best wishes with whatever you decide . flowers

AKAmyself Tue 19-Jul-16 07:38:55

Just want to offer hugs and support. Whatever you read on the Internet and hear IRL- please know that it is absolutely not true that all women who had terminations regret them. We may regret having been in the position of making such a tough and painful decision, but not the termination itself. Of course everyone is different.

As for the moral question this is one you have to decide for yourself. I was brought up a Catholic and I am a mother yet when it came to it it was very clear for me.

I wish you serenity and compassion

AKAmyself Tue 19-Jul-16 07:41:27

Imnotmyself sorry to hear you're in this situation. Please talk to your gp about it and request what support is available - both in terms of counselling for you and material support once the baby is here. There is absolutely no shame in asking for help.

Mythreeknights Mon 01-Aug-16 19:35:37

So, you're pregnant 6 months ahead of when you'd ideally be pregnant and now you want to abort. Timing is never great in family planning and I do get your concerns about work / promotions etc. There is unlikely to be any ongoing issue from having a surgical abortion in terms of future pregnancy.

However do think carefully from your own mental health pov. The law isn't really there to accommodate 'bad timing' issues. It's there to protect women from health risks from continuing the pg, where the foetus has a genetic abnormality or where there is risk to the wellbeing of existing children. I aborted DC4 in a bit of a blind panic, and then felt really haunted that my GP 'allowed' this to happen when my existing children were not in the slightest risk, other than not likely to go on holiday for the next ten years. Promotions will await, your finances will recover. But I worry that if you abort this one, when you have your next one it will always weigh on you. Everyone says 'it's never a good time to have a baby' and I sort of agree with that.

yummymummycleo Mon 01-Aug-16 19:40:22

If you were hoping to get pregnant early next year that's only 6/7 months away anyway. Does it really matter that much? I don't get why that small time frame makes such a difference?

sparechange Mon 01-Aug-16 19:40:37

mythree
What an absolute pile of total crap
The law doesn't discriminate between 'worthy' and 'unworthy' reasons for a termination. How disgraceful of you for suggesting it does.

I'm sorry you regret your termination. There are organisations that will provide counselling to help you come to terms with it.
But using fake laws and guilt tripping on other women won't take that guilt away.

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