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This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

Unplanned pregnancy at 39

(9 Posts)
user1465408401 Wed 08-Jun-16 20:50:38

I don't normally write on forums but I'm so confused As to what to do that I hope someone can help me make my decision whether to keep or abort my pregnancy. I know it's my decision in the end but would like to know what others would do in this scenario.
Basically, I'm married and have two children who are 13 and 16. My 16 year old has special needs and takes up a lot of my time mentally and physically. For the past 3-4 years ive not been on good terms with my husband and have thought of divorce on many occasions but have never gone through with it as he has been devastated every time I mention it.
We are just carrying on for the sake of the kids. I recently discovered that I am 7 weeks pregnant and it was a total shock as we were using contraceptives when it happened. I still have not told my husband as I am undecided on what to do with the baby.
I feel that if I keep the baby he will use this as leverage to try and keep me in this marriage forever and I feel trapped as I had planned on leaving some time in the future when my kids were a bit older. But if I keep this baby I feel I'll need to depend on him too much as I have a special needs child aswell and it will be too much to look after both.
On the other hand, my kids would love a sibling and a baby is a baby after all and if I had one I'm sure I'd love it. It's just the thought of my present situation with husband that's really putting me off keeping the baby plus I'm 39 and I don't think I have the energy for a baby as my 16 year old takes a lot of my time.
Totally confused and don't want to make the wrong decision.I can't speak to anyone else as everyone I know would probably tell me to keep the baby and I need some non judgemental advice.
Any advice would be very appreciated!

Gardenbirds123 Wed 08-Jun-16 20:52:22

What exactly are the needs of the 16y/o eg are they likely to ever live away from home?

Gardenbirds123 Wed 08-Jun-16 20:53:04

Ps flowers for you this is a heart wrenching one! Whatever you decide will be right for you and your family

OrianaBanana Wed 08-Jun-16 20:56:56

Completely up to you of course flowers

But babies can be demanding as well as lovely. You could have a difficult one, or perhaps one with special needs. It sounds like a difficult choice for you cake

srslylikeomg Wed 08-Jun-16 20:58:07

From what you have said here my personal instinct would be not to continue with the pregnancy as you have said you feel trapped. However, can you try to access how you feel about the baby separate to your feelings about your marriage? Could you go it alone? Would terminating bring you peace or would you feel trapped in another way? It's a tough decision but don't feel guilty whatever you chose- you will do the right thing for your family.

user1465408401 Wed 08-Jun-16 20:59:21

Hi gardenbirds123, he has physical limitations and is in a wheelchair but he is going to college etc.
He would always be dependent on us as parents or a carer in the future.

user1465408401 Wed 08-Jun-16 21:08:45

Hi srslylikeomg, I have thought about the baby separately and to be honest I would probably keep it if he wasn't in the picture. It's just the thought of looking after a new baby and my son with special needs on my own that I'm not sure I could do.
Plus, it just seems so complicated being pregnant and getting a divorce. I'm from an Asian community and it's very hard to go it alone as we have this stigma of divorce etc. Not true of every community but this has been my experience. And probably in part why I haven't gone through with the divorce previously.
I hope I'm making sense!

Gardenbirds123 Wed 08-Jun-16 21:50:04

Is there any external support you would qualify for eg carers respite etc that might help?
Do you have a good GP? If so perhaps you could book in to discuss with them, they may be able to let you know if there are any ways you might be able to access more support with your son etc or what your options are re terminating the pregnancy. It may be that just having a conversation out loud about termination crystallises how you feel one way or the other. ?
Would a separation work rather than a divorce per se? You could discuss it with your husband and ageee a "cover" story to avoid the stigma for the family eg you need to move to another place with better facilities for your son / to promote his independence / work etc etc

user1465408401 Wed 08-Jun-16 23:40:08

Gardenbirds123 thanks for your comment. The only hesitancy I'd have in discussing this with my husband is that he would involve my family and I'm close to them and don't want to be judged by them if I go ahead with abortion.
I guess I'm angry with myself for letting the marriage drag on for so long as I wouldn't be forced to make a decision like this had I finished the marriage years ago.
I just can't imagine my husband willingly try a seperation as he feels very strongly about the children that we have.
I'm not sure about the extra help..I could enquire about it but as son is 16 the help the council give starts to dwindle.
I have an appointment on Friday with Marie stopes so hoping I'll get a bit more clarity regarding what to do after that.
But I do like your idea of a cover story...if only my husband agreed to it though which I'm sure he won't!

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