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This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

Abortion at 17 weeks

(73 Posts)
Thelittleredhead Thu 19-May-16 08:50:23

Apologies for what I'm sure will be the rambley nature of this, I haven't slept for 2 days.

I fell pregnant by my ex. We were together 4 years, towards the end of last year we were trying to work things out after he told me he didn't know if he was in love with me any more. We were "dating" and trying to work it out, I had a feeling might be seeing someone else but he denied it. Until i found out that he had been on holiday with her- told me he was going away alone to "do some thinking". We broke up just after that, in the new year. In February - at which point I didn't think he was still seeing the OW- we got drunk and had sex, and I ended up pregnant.

At first I was devastated because I thought I would either be a single mother or have to have an abortion. He told me neither of those things would happen and he would support me. Over time things got worse. He got angry, tried to convince me to have an abortion but I couldn't do it. I got as far as the clinic, when I was 8 weeks, and had to leave as I was so distressed. He has called me a few days before and told me I didn't have to do it, he didn't think I should, he didn't want me to, etc. but when I didn't, he was apoplectic and said some really terrible things.

One of his big objections has been that he will want to have a relationship with someone new, and that having a baby with his ex will make that impossible. Turns out "someone new" was this OW who, quite rightly, he assumed wouldn't want to know him after she found out he was still sleeping with me after we had broken up, and that he has had weeks to tell her I am pregnant but hasn't done so.

The last few weeks have been really nice between us and I have finally felt good about the pregnancy, and excited, and supported. However he told her this weekend and, after flying off the handle, she said he could "tell that fucking bitch I'm not going anywhere so she can get used to me being a secondary carer to her child". It also came out lastnight that he slept with her, in my home, way back in July when I was back in the UK (we live abroad) as we thought a bit of space might help us work things out.

I feel betrayed all over again. He lied to me for months and months and months. Called me crazy when I asked if there was something going on. But to find out he had sex with her in my bed, while I was away, sobbing every day and changing in all the ways I thought he wanted...that really hurts. When I yelled at him about it he told me he wouldn't have done it if I hadn't been so fucking fat and a crap girlfriend (I gained some weight but less than a stone and was never bigger than a size 12, after I had had an abortion and got depressed about it). When I screamed at him he called me a fucking psycho. He has no sympathy for the fact that this is a new bombshell and the home we continue to share now feels completely violated. I didn't sleep all night, I feel sick and awful.

I thought we were going to coparent, and do it well. Now he is being awful to me, has said I have 2 weeks to move out, and that he is going to have a relationship with this OW (for the record, I knew at some point he would be with someone else, which hurt because I still love him, but I can't bear the thought of it being her. She took my partner away from me, to hand my baby over as well would be awful).

I would have no job and no benefits entitlement if I moved back home to the UK, so I feel like if I have the baby I am stuck here, in this awful situation, heartbroken and unable to forgive. I forgave everything else for the sake of the baby but sleeping with someone in my bed and making me feel crazy for even suspecting is unforgivable in my eyes.

I feel panicky and lost and resentful of the baby. I so desperately wanted children, and I'm scared that if I don't have this one I might never have any. I'm 32, single and completely broken. I have had almost a year of heartbreak and pain and it will take a long time to get over. But I am scared that that is a selfish reason to have a baby and that it will be an extremely damaging environment to bring it into.

So, I am considering abortion. I would be around 17+3 at the earliest I am able to do so. I know that is horrific and awful but I don't see any other way. I have a history of depression and I don't believe I can rely on him. I am isolated and every time I think of the OW and of the relationship he and I had it physically hurts.

What should I do?

AddictedtoGreys Thu 19-May-16 08:58:17

I don't have much advice but didn't want to read and run. Do you have any family that you can stay with who can support you through the this? Is an abortion really what you want or just the only option you think you have?

Minimalteserbunny Thu 19-May-16 09:01:04

gentle hugs for you

Do you have anyone you can talk to? Family? Friends? You can't go through this alone

No one can tell you what to do for the best only you

you are dealing with so many emotions (betrayal) grief

What do you want to do - forget the two who are making your life miserable flowers

christiesmam Thu 19-May-16 09:17:31

What a truly horrible situation to be in. Put those two insensitive, disgraceful people out of the picture and think of yourself. What do you want? Do you want your baby? Do you feel this is all too much and abortion is the absolute only way? As addicted and minimal have said can you speak and seek support from family or friends?

Thinking of you and sending hugs x

expatinscotland Thu 19-May-16 09:23:50

I'd rather come back to the UK and sleep rough than stay there with that twat. I'd tell him I was coming back to the UK to have an abortion, and then just disappear from his radar and not put him on the birth certificate.

Idontknowwhoiam Thu 19-May-16 09:27:30

Agree with expat ^^

Thelittleredhead Thu 19-May-16 09:44:55

The problem is that my family and the few friends who know about this are really excited about the baby. If I have an abortion I would have to tell them it was for medical reasons or something. I know that's horrific but they would be so hurt if they knew. My mum is already planning little Christmas outfits.

Maybe part of me always hoped he and I would eventually end up together. That we would be a little family. I was so, so in love with him. I don't know how to move on and mend my broken heart. He is all I have known for 4 years, we were going to get married. I met him straight after leaving a miserable and emotionally abusive marriage and now I feel like I am dealing with the weight of 10 years' worth of hurt.

I am scared that having his baby, and having to watch him happy with another woman (who is older than us and I think also wants children soon), will stop me ever being able to get over the heartbreak. I was such a fun, bubbly person with a sunny, positive outlook and now all I can do is stare at the wall and sob. It's been almost a year, i feel like he has taken everything from me.

A big part of me wants to have an abortion, quit my job and go traveling, just take some time and space to be alone and heal myself. Part of me is frightened that if I do that I will never forgive myself.

How do I mend a broken heart? Will I break it further by having an abortion? Will an abortion at 17 weeks be too horrific to get over? Will it affect my fertility?

Thelittleredhead Thu 19-May-16 09:53:14

Oh and just to add to the fun, I am traveling home today to be maid of honor to my best friend. Our other best friend just got engaged, and pretty much everyone else I know is newly married and pregnant. I feel completely left behind, and I don't know what I've done to deserve it.

5BlueHydrangea Thu 19-May-16 09:56:09

Can your family help you if you go back to the UK? They sound keen for you to have the baby..

Chinks123 Thu 19-May-16 09:56:21

Do you have any family at all in the Uk op? I'm sure other posters will have better advice than I could give but I just wanted to say, just think about what you really want not about anyone else, just you.
It's not the same situation, but I was encouraged to get an abortion by a family member for a few reasons. I knew that I wanted my baby and could make it work and had I had an abortion to make the person happy I know I would never of got over it. But if it is the right decision for you that's another matter flowers

Thelittleredhead Thu 19-May-16 10:10:53

My family could help, but they couldn't help to fix me. I would still be a single mother, heartbroken and with no prospect of meeting someone new, because let's face it, who wants to be with a stressed, overtired, mother of a young child who hasn't ever properly got over her ex?

Minimalteserbunny Thu 19-May-16 10:23:46

I am reading your post and I see you just (metaphorically) want to run away from the situation (I don't blame you) it's shit but you will survive yes it seems like you have been left behind but sometimes we only see the happy things when we are at rock bottom, don't beat yourself up over what could have been... I know the trip is bad timing but it gives you some space to think about what you want

This guy hurt you terribly let Me tell you this you will get over it it's bloody hard but you will..... right now it is all fresh and so raw but it gets easier broken hearts feel like the end of the world at the time you will survive women are strong

The choice to end a pregnancy is very hard at any stage (you said you have been through an abortion before) plus having to tell your family it's
for medical reasons will make you feel very alone

So factually Any procedure could have risks - If it is done correctly it shouldn't affect your fertility - where will you have the procedure? In the UK? Abroad? Who will be with you?

What may happen is if you end the pregnancy you may grieve the child and the relationship ending all in one but it could be the fresh start you need (devils advocate)

I don't know if you will regret having the child that's hard to say but if you have always dreamed of being a mother can you you make it work? I think you have family and friends so it's bleak but sounds like you could but only you know that x

iPost Thu 19-May-16 10:27:07

It's not the same, but I had a traumatic abortion about 25 years ago.

It was early in terms of gestation, under 12 weeks, but was an illegal, backstreet abortion in a 3rd world country.

The father was my then husband. I was so in love with him, and him by then in some kind hatefully flavoured feeling for me, that I was living in a state of permenant hurt that manifested itself in actual physical pain. I was desperate for a baby. But that baby would be trapped with me, in his country (would need his permission to leave with his child) and in our failed relationship, with a mother who was slowly losing her mind.

The abortion was awful. The place was dirty. The operation was performed on some kind of crudely adapted dentist chair, that was held together with duct tape, stuffing coming out in places. I woke up in the middle of it. It hurt like hell, during, immediatly and for weeks to come.

For about a decade I avoid all gynie types of tests and appointments out of fear that they would reveal some horrible damage, or judge me for having put myself in a situation where I took such extreme steps to extract myself.

But that was the most notable fall out. I got over my broken heart and the trauma of the abortion far quicker than I got over my refusal to let a doctor check me out.

I can't tell you I don't have any regrets. I do. I regret ever meeting him, we were hell on earth together. I regret getting pregnant. Becuase without that pregnancy I wouldn't have felt the need to put my health and life at risk in order to clear a route to a future that looked very different to my present.

But even quite early on I was able to move forward enough from the double whammy trauma. Not completely unscathed for quite some time. But the ramifications were contained enough that I was able to sort myself out practically, rebuild my life and have enough time and energy to lick my wounds after the necessities of life were dealt with. I did a lot of crying. But slowly slowly, as time passed, I wept less, and smiled more.

For all my regrets, I don't regret leaving him in my past. I don't regret choosing the abortion over having the baby. I have no alternative universe in which to compare my reality today and what could have been if I had kept our child. But I strongly suspect the alternative would have looked nothing like as attractive as my present.

I am in a stable, happy marriage with the man I have loved for the last 20 years. This time one that loves me back. Willingly. No wobbles, ifs, buts or maybes.

We have a nearly 16 year old who has never known the insecurities of an unstable, disrespectful, unloving parental relationship. He is a happy, unstressed, easy going kid. He is doing well. He has never known a mother standing guard over her dwindling supply of self respect and self esteem. He has never known a father who made no bones about the degree to which he despised a woman who could love him to distraction.

I can't regret choosing that. Not for me. Not for the child I aborted. Not for the child I went on to give birth to and raise. Not for the man I love, who loves me back.

I didn't write this to convince you to do, or not do, anything. You cannot know the whole story of a person's life, beliefs, emotions, choices and realities from a few posts on a forum. I would never presume to think I knew what was best for you.

All I can tell you is that if freely chosen, for reasons that are important for the person choosing, whose priroties are best met by that choice, even a traumatic abortion doesn't automatically come with a lifetime of "can't get over it" attached.

And I am so sorry. I have been in a similar place to where you are now, and it felt like life was taking chucks out of my flesh and then rubbing in liberal amount of salt. I found it hellish and hard to think under those circumstances.

<big fat hug>

Minimalteserbunny Thu 19-May-16 10:27:09

Posted at the same time listen being a mother is bloody hard BUT you will get over him

Lightheartedly you will be too tired to think of him wink but don't say you are destitute because you are a single mum xxxx

Minimalteserbunny Thu 19-May-16 10:30:12

Ipost flowers

Chlobee87 Thu 19-May-16 10:32:28

I'm so sorry that your XP is such an arsehole. Nobody deserves to be treated like that.

I know it seems like an impossible situation right now and you are raw and hurting, but you won't always feel that way. You WILL get over him one day, and all the despicable things he has done will help you along the way to getting there. At the moment when you think about him you imagine all the good times and how they have been thrown away. But you'll get to a point where the scales will fall from your eyes and you'll see him for what he is - a slimy, dishonourable, untrustworthy snake who doesn't deserve a single second more of your time or energy. You won't have fond feelings about him at all.

My advice would be to look ahead and think how you will feel about your child at that point. Because what you're experiencing now is temporary in regards to your feelings towards your ex. My worry for you is that you will decide on a termination based on your current position and then, once you have picked yourself back up and moved on from him, you will regret it sorely and it can never be undone. You were excited about the baby when your situation was better so it's clear that the baby itself is not the problem.

FWIW, I would also do the same as expat and Idontknow. Your ex and OW sound poisonous.

AnotherEmma Thu 19-May-16 10:34:04

Whether you keep the baby or not, you need to get some counselling and do the Freedom Programme.

You can cope with an abortion, and you can cope with being a single mum, but you can't do either without getting some professional support for your mental health IMO.

Branleuse Thu 19-May-16 10:37:17

I dont think you want an abortion, although its completely your choice, but in your situation I would keep the pregnancy, but do not under any circumstances put his name on the birth certificate. Pretend that guy doesnt even exist anymore and do not give him any rights or any say over you and your childs lives (which he will have if he is on the birth certificate. Forget co-parenting, it will be a bind.
He is cruel and abusive and he will make your and your childs life a misery. He will also make his OW life a misery, but that doesnt have to be your problem, just please remove yourself from his clutches and go back home if you can. You can do this xxx

tudasaurus Thu 19-May-16 10:38:39

If you do decide to continue the pregnancy please go back to your family in the UK before the baby is born otherwise you could end up stuck abroad for the next 18 years needing his permission to leave the country.

MyKingdomForBrie Thu 19-May-16 10:38:57

I would be concerned for your mental health if you did abort, given your previous experiences.

You need to get away from them and the situation though, I would suggest whatever you decide about the baby that you leave the country.

ThatsMyStapler Thu 19-May-16 10:41:26

Whether you keep the baby or not, you need to get some counselling and do the Freedom Programme.

You can cope with an abortion, and you can cope with being a single mum, but you can't do either without getting some professional support for your mental health IMO.

this - 100%, you need to get some help to decide, but the main message you need to take on this, is that you WILL get through this, you WILL survive.

I dont know what i would do in this situation, and i dont know you, so cannot advise you either way.

Gowgirl Thu 19-May-16 10:48:58

Never meeting someone else sticks out.
I had a 5 yr old boy when I re met dh, we have 3 children now, all treated the same, any man who disregards you for having a child by a former relationship isn't worth having.
Can you speak to your mum while you're over for the wedding, you might find she is a tower of support.

lougle Thu 19-May-16 10:54:36

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I think you would be wise to try and separate out your pregnancy from your relationship if you can, because what seems to be coming across is that is that you are not distressed about the pregnancy itself, but the relationship situation surrounding it. I think you need to be sure that you are emotionally sure that you don't want to continue this pregnancy.

CherishFindensRulerOfDeath Thu 19-May-16 11:06:49

My concern would be your vulnerability the next time this man blows hot and cold. If you have the baby may he want to be in your life?

If I were in your position I would want to maximise my chances of a clean and final break from him, a fresh start, and leaving that country.

iPost Thu 19-May-16 11:23:27

I just want to add one more thing.

Do not underestimate how much a national boarder between you and him can help with the emotional pain of separation.

If I hadn't gone home to the UK, I'm not sure I would have ever got away from him, even if we had eventually separated. He didn't want me, but he didn't want me to not want to be with him. When ever I started to pull away, he would pull me back in. Give me hope. And as soon as I sank gratefully back into sticking to loving and wanting him.... the horrible stuff started again.

He couldn't do that once I left the country. The physical distance went a long long long way in helping me gain an emotional distance.

Whatever you decide, you are pregnant right now. I'm not up to date on British social services and benefits, but I think it is worth asking on here what the safety net would be prepared to do to aid a pregnant returning emigrant.

Once you are out of a "push her away, reel her back in, whack her with another bombshell/side swipe" context, you might have enough peace to be able to actually think, and work out what you want to do next.

<nother massive hug>

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