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This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

Adoption pain

(29 Posts)
thispaininsideme Mon 11-Apr-16 19:50:07

I've name changed for this for obvious reasons. I wasn't sure the best board to post this on and decided on this one. I hope nobody minds even though it's not what most threads here are about.

11 years ago I had a daughter and she was born with Down's syndrome. I was completely devastated. She went into foster care and was adopted some time later.

I've not really coped since then. I just feel as I've found out I am a despicable person. Some old friends know but lots don't and people at work don't. I feel as if the people that do know must think I'm a hideous human being and the people that don't know would think that if they knew.

I'm so sorry to her for getting me as a mother, if I can be called that. Although she is well looked after and happy.

Is there anyone out there that has experienced anything similar or is it really just me that's so fucking hideous they would give their own child away because something was 'wrong'?

MyLocal Mon 11-Apr-16 19:54:53

Don't know what to say. You are punishing yourself, I can't help I am afraid but didn't want to run so thought I would send [flowerss]

MyLocal Mon 11-Apr-16 19:55:50

Can't even get that rightflowers

thispaininsideme Mon 11-Apr-16 20:00:03

Thanks for replying x

annandale Mon 11-Apr-16 20:03:56

Again I don't have personal experience of this but I do know that you are far from alone. Your pain comes across so clearly. I feel certain that a happy child would not want to be a source of pain to their parent. flowers to you and I hope that others come along soon.

Humsta Mon 11-Apr-16 20:15:06

I think you must be in an incredibly difficult situation and probably find it impossible to forgive yourself. Could you talk to the organisation who arranged the adoptition about some counselling for yourself? Punishing yourself benefits no one. Good luck X

thispaininsideme Mon 11-Apr-16 21:56:41

Thank you both.

It was social services who did it all and they did give some counselling at the time. I don't think it helps really. I don't really know why I posted. I don't think anything can help, I made my bed and now I need to lie in it.

SpookyRachel Mon 11-Apr-16 22:06:55

I'm so so sorry you're feeling like this. It's not unusual for birth mothers to mourn for many years - even lifetimes. But you are not a despicable person and you deserve some peace of mind and happiness. Please contact a specialist organisation who can help - try After Adoption

Technoremix Mon 11-Apr-16 22:08:04

90% of people who find our their child has down syndrome chose to abort. You chose a different route. Please be kind to yourself. There are not many people who feel able to bring up a disabled child. She is well looked after and happy where she is. Concentrate on that. No one will judge you.

Humsta Mon 11-Apr-16 22:13:41

You posted because you needed to, I don't think there's going to be a quick fix but at least with your message part of you realises that there could be a different way for you to feel, everybody has dark times but that doesn't mean you deserve it. The link above seems as good a place to start as any, without being glib there might be things you could do with your life to make you feels as if you're making some kind of amends in life generally, if not specifically for your child. Don't give up even though it's a difficult thing to live with.

thispaininsideme Tue 12-Apr-16 06:52:04

Thank you.

If I had found out about the Down's when I was pregnant I guess I would have terminated. For those people in the main it's early in the pregnancy, for me there was a baby. That's the difference I suppose. If that 90% hadn't found out when they were pregnant but instead found out at the birth, would they have chosen adoption? I doubt it because it's abhorrent when there is a real live baby involved.

Most babies with Down's that are born are where the parents didn't know due to a low risk (mine was 1 in 3750). And then because there's a baby there that needs love the parents may be shocked/upset at first but they get over it and love their child and realise Down's isn't so bad after all etc. That's what I see reading the Sen boards.

I'm not even so desperate because I'm mourning my daughter, not really. I often think what if she was here with me, and I do love her but I'm not necessarily saying I wish I'd decided differently. Although the years have made me realise there's a lot worse than Down's and maybe it wouldn't have been the awful journey I thought at the time. Just that it has made me realise I'm not a good person. Quite the opposite. A horrid despicable one. And a lot of people who I'm relatively close to don't know this big thing about me and if they did know they'd be disgusted.

thispaininsideme Tue 12-Apr-16 06:52:23

Thanks for the link btw, I'll have a look

SpecialNonOperations Tue 12-Apr-16 07:04:55

I just wanted to send you a huge hug, and tell you it wasn't your fault. You did as much as you could at the time, made sure she was cared for. You clearly love her very much. Is there any way you could get a update on her?
You have no reason to beat yourself up. You did all you could.
My mum didn't care for me, and I was removed from her. It's different, you love your child, and did all you could do for her at the time.
I do hope I haven't said anything to make it worse. I really feel for you.

Humsta Tue 12-Apr-16 21:17:22

I've just started reading the book the Primal I honestly can't recommend it to you because I've only just discovered it but as an adoptee it seems like it will be of relevance to me, perhaps you could look it up and see what you think from your own perspective?

thispaininsideme Wed 13-Apr-16 20:05:34

Thank you special. I do and did care for her. But I still walked away. How could I have done that?

I'll have a look at that humsta. I hope you're ok.

SummerHouse Wed 13-Apr-16 20:25:52

You are not a bad person. No person who wasn't bad themselves would ever think that. No one who has not been in this position would ever fully understand how strong you have had to be. Have you had counselling. Even if you did you should seek some now. You deserve to be at piece with this. flowers

SpecialNonOperations Wed 13-Apr-16 20:39:01

You walked away believing it was best for her, no doubt overwhelmed and in shock. You are not a bad person. I hope you can forgive yourself and be at peace with the situation. You sound lovely.
Was it a closed adoption?

thispaininsideme Thu 14-Apr-16 18:18:43

It's an open adoption. Which I'm so glad about as I can see how happy she is and how lovely her parents are.

Maybe I'll see about some counselling. I'm struggling to go on. I have other children too and I'm so worried they'll see me differently when they grow up and have children of their own and wonder how on earth I could have been so heartless to do that.

Humsta Thu 14-Apr-16 18:33:31

Do you regret your decision?

thispaininsideme Thu 14-Apr-16 19:25:03

Sometimes yes. Sometimes no. Makes it worse I suppose.

meffhead Fri 15-Apr-16 17:30:24

I'm the mum of a boy with a rare genetic mutation... We didn't discover he had problems until about 6 months and he wasn't hitting milestones. He's nearly 7 but functions 18-24 months. No speech and can't walk that well but he is a delight and everyone who meets him falls in love instantly.

You made a decision to suit you. Looking after a child with disabilities is hard but very rewarding work.
If it's open then why not get involved now and remove your regret and remorse?

I am so grateful there are wonderful foster and adoptive parents out there to love and support children with complex needs.

Good luck op

PirateSmile Fri 15-Apr-16 17:33:24

How old were you when you had her and what were your circumstances?

TiggerPiggerPoohBumWee Fri 15-Apr-16 17:35:14

If you feel like you can't parent a child for whatever reason, surely its the action of a good person, and a good parent, to give that child to people who feel able to make a good job of it?
There are many children who would be better off with someone other than the people they were born to, but few of them have the ability to do the right thing for the child and let them live somewhere they will be happy and well cared for, and loved.

I don't think you are a bad person at all. I think you made a hard choice and the person who really matters has a good and happy life because of it.

IrenetheQuaint Fri 15-Apr-16 17:36:26

Poor you, what a difficult situation. Do your other children know about their sibling?

ihatethecold Fri 15-Apr-16 17:41:07

I'm not sure that relevant Pirate?

Op. I was adopted as a baby because my mum couldn't cope.
I do not judge her at all. She was giving me a better life.
You did what you believed to be the best outcome for your child and it has worked out well for her.

You have nothing to feel ashamed or embarrassed about.
You haven't done anything wrong.

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