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This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

I'm 40. He wants a baby. I really don't know

(18 Posts)
paap1975 Mon 11-Apr-16 11:11:47

My DP of 2 years would really like us to have a baby. He has a son from a previous relationship.
I genuinely don't know if I do. The opportunity has never presented itself to me before. I think I'm too old. I suffered emotionally with my mother. I do very badly on not enough sleep. I am worried it will put strain on our wonderful relationship. If we have one child, I think we should have a second. It's a very long commitment...
I do love children though and so does DP. He thinks I would be a good mother.
I am wondering how on earth anyone ever knows if they are ready to have a baby. How did you know?

cookielove Sun 17-Apr-16 08:29:15

Hello smile

My husband and I started ttc after our wedding and fell pregnant about 10 months later. We lost that baby to a mmc. When I fell accidentally pregnant with our ds I spent the pregnancy wondering if I was really ready for this. Even after ds was born there were times I thought "what have I done?"

But ds is such a delight and I wouldn't be without him. There is a such a wonderful thing about having children whether it be birth or adoption or whatever that really makes you feel great. Ds is adorable even at 20 months when everything is no grin

Not sure if that helps, fx someone a but more knowledgeable comes along blush

Good luck

gingerbreadmanm Sun 17-Apr-16 08:33:47

I dont think 40 is too old. I dont think u ever know. I think you just want one and have to run the risk grin

I'm kind of in a similar position myself. Ive been pregnant twice, both with sad endings unfortunately but the second time was a long pregnancy and i find myself thinking now how could we be parents which amuses me and scares me in equal measure as we were so close!

Now i'm scared especially with the above in mind but i think it will be a case of just biting the bullet and seeing what happens.

That all sounds very crazy i know but essentially i was born to be a mam and i'm sure i will just take to it and think its the best thing i ever did.

Snoopydo Sun 17-Apr-16 08:38:13

Well if you've got to 40 and you still don't know if you're ready then I would say you're not.

You will hear stories and know people who conceived easily after 40 but for me it was too late at 36 (I have dc but not by conventional means.) so if you do decide, you need to get on with it!

VikingVolva Sun 17-Apr-16 08:39:09

How many weeks are you?

Because it sounds as if you may need to see a counsellor to talk this decision through with them, and I was wondering how long you have. The reputable providers, such as BPAS have or can signpost you to counselling services.

I think you do need to tell your DH that you are considering terminating this pregnancy. Because the strain of keeping an abortion secret is likely to press very hard on you, and you already sound as if it's taking its toll emotionally.

But continuing this pregnancy does not commit to you having more DC in future. It's fine to stop at one.

Good luck with your decision making flowers

Helbelle75 Sun 17-Apr-16 08:39:13

I'm also 40 and spent years of my life being told by a previous partner that we didn't want children.I turned 37 and thought I absolutely do and was lucky enough to meet my DH and we got married last October. We both knew we wanted a family, so started ttc inJanuary and I'm now 6+3 and over the moon.
However, I have had a few doubts. We have a lovely life, earn enough to go on several holidays a year, I have a lot of hobbies which I love and we have a very active social life. All this is going to change, and has changed already as I'm so exhausted at the moment. But, I'm more than happy for things to change, it's the right time.
40 isn't old by any means, you still have a while to think about it. I always think about my future and could I imagine not having children in it.

cookielove Sun 17-Apr-16 08:55:19

viking I don't think the op is pregnant yet, more deciding if she wants to be pregnant!

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon Sun 17-Apr-16 08:59:02

You done need to have 2, one would be fine, if you do decide to go for it

VikingVolva Sun 17-Apr-16 11:31:44

I did think, given that this is the topic for support around termination of pregnancies, that she was considering the future of a current pregnancy.

Sorry if that's not the case.

Dellarobia Sun 17-Apr-16 11:34:24

I agree with Snoopy. If you've got to 40 and you're still not sure, I think that means you don't want a baby.

Dellarobia Sun 17-Apr-16 11:34:47

I'm assuming you're not pregnant btw!

Oblique27 Sun 17-Apr-16 11:47:42

If you are not sure then don't ! Having and caring for children is incredibly hard even if everything goes perfectly. In my view not enough is said about this as the subject is taboo.

donajimena Sun 17-Apr-16 11:52:47

You aren't married? Having a baby is a huuge commitment. Don't do what my friend did. Had a baby at 41 got left at 43 she wasn't married so now works part time with no hope of rebuilding her career and struggling daily. Its ruined her future security but obviously adores her little boy.
Maybe you are super sorted if so ignore my post but I urge you and anyone of any age to think of the worst case scenario!

Devilishpyjamas Sun 17-Apr-16 11:56:31

I wouldn't do it if you don't actively want a child. It's hard work.

Bambambini Sun 17-Apr-16 12:03:58

I don't know if i would ever have felt ready or actively wanted one enough to start ttc. Was taken out of my hands at 32 when i fell pregnant and so happy i did and it wasn't left me to make the decision which is probably how the human race was meant to function - it just happens.

If you feel really unsure/ don't see yourself as a mum or don't have any desire to then probably best to not do it. Things will change hugely, it could take a toll on your body and mental health, it can really stress out relationsips and build resentment and your relationshipwill change. What kind of father is your partner, will he play his part or expect you to do most of the work.

Saying that, it can be the best decion you ever make and not having a baby night affect your relationship. Hard choices if you really don't know what you want.

Passthecake30 Sun 17-Apr-16 12:10:24

I'm 40, like my sleep and don't think I could go through another set of lack of sleep/terrible twos etc. I didn't enjoy the years under 3 tbh. Some of my friends have recently given birth though, and are coping really well. I don't get clucky at all holding their babies so I know I wouldn't want anymore. Do you have any friends with babies that you could discuss with? On the other side...if your partner really wants a baby, I feel it a bit unfair of denying him that right....

ChewyGiraffe Mon 25-Apr-16 21:29:41

"how on earth anyone ever knows if they are ready to have a baby" - er, I don't think anyone ever does really know, do they?

You admit you've never really had the opportunity before. BUT now you do. You have a 'wonderful relationship', you 'love children', your DP loves children (he has a son already so he knows what he's letting himself in for), he thinks you'd make a great mother. Honestly, it sounds like a good enough place to start to me! A fantastic place to start in fact.

All the other stuff sounds a bit peripheral. You didn't have a good relationship with your own mother - well at least you understand what to avoid and don't need to repeat her mistakes. You don't function well on no sleep - the 'night feed' stage really doesn't last long and anyway, MAT leave takes care of most if not all of it.

What do you mean when you say you think you're "too old"? Do you mean too old to conceive, or too old to be a parent to a young child? If you're talking about conception, you won't know until you try. Personally I don't think you're too old to be a parent, but then I wouldn't; I didn't have my DD (my first/only) until DP and I were 43. She's now 2 and is without doubt the most fantastic, amazing thing that's ever happened to me. I know I over-compensate (probably for fear some random person might think I'm 'too old') so for example, she always wears cool clothes (I doubt 2 year olds really need Diesel jeans etc) and we do loads of kids activities, so as not to be caught sitting around, like EVER. Yes I am sad she may well stay an only child (not for want of trying to rectify that situation) but I consider myself lucky that she's sociable and popular - tons of friends - so that's really just MY issue and not hers.

Short answer - I think you'll probably regret it if you don't.

paap1975 Tue 26-Apr-16 07:43:34

Thanks everyone for your input!

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