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This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

please help me make sense of this

(9 Posts)
buzzpop Wed 16-Mar-16 01:16:30

Just two months into a relationship, still dating really (though he had been 'fast forwarding' a lot, I got pregnant. I had taken morning after pill, and at 38, and worried I wouldn't have another child, decided it must be ' meant to be,'
This man promised he would be the best father a Nd look after us all (I have DD 16)
From when we found out, his behavior changed. He was delighted, all he ever wanted. He became controlling talking over me and for me in front of doctors, sulking when I didn't want him in the room for vaginal exam.
He wanted constant contact, and went overboard with gift buying and everything focused around the baby. Told everyone he knew (I was 4 weeks) despite knowing to wait and talking about moving into my house, where we would live etc.
The next few weeks until 7 weeks were shaky, there was a risk of ectopic so hAd to keep going for scans until saw heartbeat at 7 weeks. His constant neediness became an on the one hand going overboard buying presents and future planning, on the other hand telling me I wasn't grateful, if I just did xyz we would be ok, there wouldn't be any problems... I started to worry re his behaviour.
The last three weeks have been hell, in addition to day and night nausea and tiredness, this behaviour has escalated, it's been constant stress and each time he initiates some 'issue or problem ' I have apparently done, it's been when I've been at my weakest. It is predominantly related to my not being grateful, saying thank you, having bad manners etc. he accuses me of lying when I haven't... All my body tenses up, as he is incessant and bullying, and when I ask him to stop or leave me alone or wait to talk until we are calm he refuses to stop until he gets the resolution he wants. He can't see that there is a pattern to the behaviour and won't acknowledge his part in it or the stress it is causing. He just says that if I just did what he needed then we wouldn't have a problem. He wants to go to couple counseling but I am scared to go with him.
I have tried to finish the relationship three times and each time he has guilt tripped me into staying. He says he won't be apart from his baby, and threatened me if I took his baby away. Another escalation this weekend and again I laid there crying wondering what have I got myself into, I will never be free of him. I am scared of what he will do. He says I behave like a C*unt to his friends and treat him badly, each time when I stand up for myself. I am a really calm person but end up screaming at him as I feel so violated by the things he says that I know I haven't done.
The midwive said they can put a plan in place so I feel safe if I leave he relationship but carry on with the pregnancy. I have just confided in close family and friends and they Are worried And say I should abort to not have him in my life. I fear he will make my life hell as a mother. I'm 11 weeks and scan next week. I never believed I would consider this, I am so scared of going through with it and scared for the future for my daughter, the baby and I if I don't.

pigeonpoo Wed 16-Mar-16 01:22:44

Iv been trapped in similar. Not the same but similar relationship difficulties.

He appears to be emotionally unstable. He may have good reason why he's become this way (but that is not your problem)

I would look up BPD or EUPD and some of the ways a partner can be helpful in how they handle things which in turn will make his behaviour easier for you. IF you can go down that road... It's up to you. But you shouldn't feel guilty if that's too much hard work.

I would simply check it out before any options are really thought through thanks

DioneTheDiabolist Wed 16-Mar-16 01:23:09

He promised.
He would be.
He wants.
He says.

Want do you want OP?

DioneTheDiabolist Wed 16-Mar-16 01:24:50

Do you want another child? Without He?

Pannacott Wed 16-Mar-16 01:32:56

Oh bloody hell. Horrible situation for you. I can definitely see the benefit of cutting all ties with him, including terminating the pregnancy. Being tied to him and his abuse for the rest of your life via your child could be life ruining. It could end up being dragged through the courts, and what kind of life would the child have with an abusive unstable father like that. When you think about termination, does it feel like an option for you? Could you / would you want to do it?

buzzpop Wed 16-Mar-16 01:41:27


I don't know if it is that disorder, he is unable to see any fault. Tells me he is an incredible person. He does not speak with his mother, says awful things about her and that she is a narcissist.


I am so ground down by him, and I get barely any time off from it all so it's hard to reflect and get perspective about what I want in this. I am not myself, I'm doubting everything. I know I do not want a relationship with him but I'm scared of the repercussions. Hoping I get stronger soon. I know I would want a stress free pregnancy, with someone I could trust and rely on. I didn't want to do it on my own again, but I fear a life of co-parenting with him


That is what I think will happen, courts, nastiness. I never thought I'd be considering my options in this way. It's just not something I'd do, but the other option is scary too

pigeonpoo Wed 16-Mar-16 01:53:27

Doesn't have to be the actual disorder though the person being unable to accept blame outwardly can exist. Where they see fault finding/blame as rejection in black and white terms.

People can have traits without the disorder too.

It may not be, just rang bells for me and the strategies partners use with that may work with him.

It's a lot of work though to use those strategies and understand his behaviour and you can also go it alone, or not go it at all.

IF he is suffering BPD - the breakup will probably be as hard as staying together. For a while. Stay firm. Use some strategies even while breaking up if you have the energy to look it up as it honestly can make acceptance in his part easier and swifter - which makes it easier for you

Pannacott Wed 16-Mar-16 02:01:53

I can see you've got two simultaneous threads running, you might want to delete the other one and move this to Relationships (or delete this one). The folks on Relationships are really experienced with supporting ending abusive relationships. They can also give you some realistic expectations about the ways he might make your life hell in the future, even if you are separated sad. I'm so sorry you are in this situation, you have two horrible options ahead of you. But you need to know how bad it could get if you go ahead with the pregnancy. He sounds the type who would happily make the child's life miserable to spite you, and not even consider that this is a bad thing. Sometimes there are worse things than a termination.

buzzpop Wed 16-Mar-16 07:20:33

Thank you so much for your responses and kindness, such a help. Will try work out how to delete this thread and use the relationships one as suggested.

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