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This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

Unplanned pregnant: father doesn't want a child. Abortion?

(17 Posts)
froglife Tue 09-Feb-16 21:02:54

I'm unplanned pregnant after one-off contraception lapse. My bf of 1 year has freaked out: got really upset about his dad dying when he was 3, says he's never talked to anyone how he feels about his dad, how it's affected him, (making him self-conscious, depressed sometimes, hides his feelings to protect his mum, never dealt properly with grief and guilt, affected his self confidence etc) says he's not emotionally mature enough to be a father, pretty adamant I should get an abortion. Say's he's terrified to be a father in case it ends up father-less like him. I've booked for an initial abortion-assessment appointment tomorrow, I walked out on bf at the weekend saying not much point in us being together if he never wants a family so strongly, as I think I do....but don't want to 'blackmail' him into being a dad by refusing to have an abortion, especially as his main reason is that he's terrified of the child not having a dad for some reason. And I'm not 100% sure I want a child myself since we are living in such environmental climate chaos times etc. Have told him it will be hard for me to have abortion but could do it. Have told him to be in touch if he changes his mind, which he replied is highly unlikely. We did lots of talking about his dad: doesn't even know where he is buried or anything. Was hoping he was just in shock and would change his mind: but 2 weeks now since I found out and told him (am about 6/7 weeks pregnant) and he's seems pretty certain. Don;t want to hold out that he will change his mind with false hope....had thought I'd decided to have the abortion but my pesky brain is playing all kinds of tricks to try and persuade me not to do it. I'm thinking of warning him that I might not be able to go through with it as I'm worried Ill freak out when it comes to it. But equally don;t want to bring a child into the world unwanted and without support. I have good friends around me but finding myself worrying about bf now that I've walked on him just as he's opened up about his feelings. A friend is going to come with me to my appointment tomorrow so hopefully that will help. I feel like an idiot for not discussing things with him earlier! He's just so hard to talk to, very shy and closed (but kind caring and gentle sensitive guy) I tried once or twice but he closed down the conversation. I feel like an idiot for allowing myself to get pregnant without knowing whether bf would be up for it or not. Grr! It's the only time in my life I've ever had unprotected sex, got carried away cos bf is so lovely. Damn! btw I'm 33 so don't have all the time in the world if I want to be a mum, also self employed so I'd really struggle financially on my own, currently share a house w a friend can;t even afford my own place. Actually really don't want to have a child on my own. But instincts and hormones causing havoc and still fantasising that bf will call to say he's changed his mind even though I'm pretty sure that's not going to happen. Oh life and it's decisions!

dementedpixie Wed 10-Feb-16 06:17:40

Equally he sounds like he is 'blackmailing' you into having an abortion that you don't sound like you're 100% sure about. Don't rush into things or you may regret it afterwards.

Glastokitty Wed 10-Feb-16 07:25:07

You must take your boyfriend out of the equation, and assume that he will not be a part of your life from now on, whether you have the baby or not. If that is the case, what would you want to do? Please don't let him emotionally blackmail you into an abortion, if it is not want you want. Please try to think calmly about what you want, if you decide to keep the baby you will find a way to make it work.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Wed 10-Feb-16 07:30:57

In this situation ALWAYS think about what you want and forget what the bloke in question thinks. Do YOU want to have this baby? If you do, then do. The father will either step up and be present or he won't, you can't control that. And if you don't, then don't.

superking Wed 10-Feb-16 07:31:21

I agree with Glastokitty
Decide what's right for you, not what's right for your boyfriend.

SlinkyVagabond Wed 10-Feb-16 07:35:51

Yep, fuck him, not his body, not his choice. Don't let him blackmail you.

Peppapigallowsmetoshower Wed 10-Feb-16 07:36:41

Do you want a baby? Could you raise a child?

How would you feel if you had an abortion?

Make your decision, you need to live with the consequences, then tell your boyfriend. He can't tell you what to do. It's your choice - don't have it or have it and be prepared to do it yourself, you can't force his interest/support.

VikingVolva Wed 10-Feb-16 07:46:14

This is not how ai would put things usually, and I'm sorry if it comes over a bit harshly.

But, assuming you are in England, think you need to remind your BF of the law. Which is that permitted grounds for abortion are all rooted in the wellbeing of the pregnant woman. Not that of the father.

And take him out of the equation when considering the right thing for you to do.

If your brain is holding you back, perhaps a termination is not for you.

"But equally don;t want to bring a child into the world unwanted and without support"

If you want the child, he or she is not unwanted. And you can seek sources of support other than this hard to talk to, shy, closed bf.

That said, if you (and I mean you) really want a termination, than that is of course the right thing to do. But nothing in your post (except perhaps your current housing situation) is about you.

NNalreadyinuse Wed 10-Feb-16 07:55:39

It sounds to me as if you actually want to have this baby. You sound scared of the financial implications, which everybody is tbh. Put those fears aside for a minute and focus entirely on how you feel about the baby - do you want to have it?

I wouldnt let money put me off if that was my main concern because I think that will lead to regrets. Very few people are in the ideal financial position when they have a child. I wasn't and things worked out okay. If you desperately want the baby then you will work out the rest of it

Your bf sounss like an arse. If he wasnt prepared to deal with consequences he should have been a lot more careful. He is being very selfish, everything is all about him and he doesnt seem to have given any thought to how you might feel.

I would take him out of the equation.

makingmiracles Wed 10-Feb-16 08:10:30

This may sound really harsh, but at 33 you may not have that many childbearing yrs ahead. If a part of you would like children I would say this could potentially be your only chance, unless of course you break up with the bf and meet someone else quickly afterwards and conceive.

If it's what you would like, I'd set bf aside and carry on regardless, lots of people raise children on their own, without much money and they manage.

If you have an abortion that your not that keen on having, then go on to not have any kids, how would you feel?

differentnameforthis Wed 10-Feb-16 08:34:34

It's the only time in my life I've ever had unprotected sex, got carried away cos bf is so lovely. Can you expand on this? It sounds like you use condoms? And also that he persuaded you to not use them this time by being "lovely"

If that is the case, tell him that he took his chances & he needs to face up to the consequences of that chance.

Amziix Wed 10-Feb-16 09:22:47

I think if ultimately you want children and you are not sure if you will get pregnant again you will never regret having this child.

With that being said, it's sounds like you will very much regret an abortion.

Do what you want, he sounds like he's blackmailing you and pulling out the woe is me card. Good luck thanks

froglife Fri 12-Feb-16 15:22:36

Thankyou all.
I have realised you and my friends are right in that I need to make my decision myself. Do I want it or not? I have empowered myself to believe that I could cope with either decision on my own, which has made me feel much less 'trapped'. So now I just have to decide which. Which I still havn't decided, but getting some counselling next week and am 'only' 6 weeks so have a couple of weeks to play with to make up my mind.
Thankyou kindly everyone for your input.

NNalreadyinuse Fri 12-Feb-16 16:23:48

Best of luck flowers

AnotherEmma Fri 12-Feb-16 16:29:42

Your boyfriend seems to have made your pregnancy all about him. He comes across very selfish and self-obsessed. If he is so sure that he doesn't want to be a father, he should have used contraception. That was his mistake as much as yours.

I agree with PPs who said that this has to be YOUR decision. Step away from your boyfriend. At your appointment, ask for counselling so you can talk to an impartial professional. Talk to supportive family and friends. Decide if you want this baby - but make the decision based on the assumption that you'll be a single parent.

You boyfriend is extremely wrong to pressure you into an abortion. IMO that means he doesn't deserve to be in a relationship with you, whether you keep the baby or not. If you do keep it, be wary of his involvement with you and the baby.

AnotherEmma Fri 12-Feb-16 16:33:00

Oh and don't fall into the trap of becoming your boyfriend's therapist. If he still has issues around his dad he needs to get counselling.

He's not "lovely" btw. He's selfish and he's pressuring you into having an abortion you're not sure you want.

Northernlurker Fri 12-Feb-16 17:09:13

I'm not sure I believe your boyfriend at all actually. Has he mentioned this bereavement before?

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