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This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

Single mum to three already (ex dh) now 8 weeks pregnant............. torn

(18 Posts)
WinchWench88 Sat 30-Jan-16 20:27:45

I already have 3DC with my ex hubby, we are 4 week away from our divorce becoming final. we split in sep 2014, i had a brief relationship with a guy feb-april 2015, i then again got into a relationship with the smae guy sep15-jan16.....
In nov 15 we got a phone call from his ex saying she was pregnant 12-14 weeks so obv before we got together... Scan showed 9 weeks (she admitted to sleeping with a another) fair enough not his, her 12 week scan comes and shes a few weeks further than expected (15-16). however on the same day we found out i was pregnant after suffering a mc the month before... id gone on the pill in dec after our mc and caught on again.....
despite assuring me hed support me whatever my choice and telling me he didnt want his ex back, he issued me with an ultimatum 2 weeks ago.... him or the baby
apparently his ex can carry his child as shes not got kids, i on the other hand have three and im at uni. those are his reasons for him now wanting a termination..
Ive been for one app and didnt get passed the scan, im booked in again weds.
But i cant help thinking that i will hate myself if i do this, but then again i am at uni and my other three have been through so much already since me and their dad split, do they really need another change in their circumstances...........

My head and my heart ache from this literally

WinchWench88 Sat 30-Jan-16 20:30:15

to add he's now left me and has gone back to his ex gf who is also pregnant..... says he cant financially afford to provide for this child.... and the situation is all messed up (now that hes back with his ex gf and a baby thats supposedly 90% not his)

LlamaLover Sat 30-Jan-16 20:34:35


Ignore him and what he wants for a minute. What do you want to do?

Waypasttethersend Sat 30-Jan-16 20:39:57

Two separate issues.

A. Hes a cunt who you can never be with again. Him and his wishes count for jack.

B. Do YOU want the baby? Can you do it alone and be happy? Can you survive on what you have and what CSA can squeeze out of him?

WinchWench88 Sat 30-Jan-16 20:40:30

I honestly dont know....
Im resitting my first year of Uni, Ill be just starting Y2 when baby is due..
My kids have had enough go on...
Will I cope, I failed the last time i was a single mum with DD1 been with ex dh from when she was 2 till she was 8.

But i know i dont agree with abortions.....
I have no real reasons in my ethic to do so....

WinchWench88 Sat 30-Jan-16 20:42:14

This baby will be his 6th child from a 4th women, he doesnt see his eldest and pays what he can for the other three, baby 5 isnt here yet as shes pregnant and im pregnant with baby 6

hownottofuckup Sat 30-Jan-16 20:45:50

Gosh OP I was in a very similar situation 11 months ago.
I couldn't go through with an abortion I just couldn't. So I stuck to my guns and went ahead with the pregnancy. Very happy I did, as I made my own choice which was the right one for me.
That's what you need to do. This isn't about him, it's about you and your DC.

WinchWench88 Sat 30-Jan-16 20:49:02


how did your situation end??

starry0ne Sat 30-Jan-16 20:51:52

I agree with previous poster this isn't about him now...

You need to think about how you will manage with minimal financial and no emotional support...

What support do you have in RL ?

How could you juggle theses things..

How are you going to feel if you do abort? How will you cope..Based on your comments you don't agree with abortion ...Not a judgement from me?

You do have 3 other children to consider and how will that impact on all of you which ever way you decide...

Crumbles12 Sat 30-Jan-16 20:51:56

What a tough situation flowers

I would take his opinion out of it for the time being, do you want this baby and do you think you could cope emotionally & financially with another? Keep in mind that child maintenance would likely be very low if he is paying for another 3/4 children as they will take that into consideration.

Sounds like he is now freaking out with the situation and just wants it to go away, if he is back with the ex is she aware you are also pregnant?

PunkrockerGirl Sat 30-Jan-16 20:53:41

Gosh so hard for you flowers
As pp said, you have to ignore him.
Sometimes, just sometimes, we have to do what's right for us at the time. It may not be what we'd ever envisaged or believed in, but at this moment in time, it's the only or right thing to do.
Go with your gut instinct as to what's best for you and you dc.
Years ago, I had a situation similar to yours involving adoption. I live with the decision I made every day, but I know that at that time, it was exactly the right thing to do.

SeldomAthleticFC Sat 30-Jan-16 20:55:43

What a horrible situation to be in. flowers
The guy is a total twat and, as has already been said, don't give his wishes a second thought. The only people who matter are you and your 3 DC. You have to do what's right for you. It's hard to think clearly when you're hormonal from the pregnancy and obviously this dickhead has messed with your emotions.
What support have you got? Would you have help if you kept the baby, financially, emotionally and practically?
It's a really hard decision to make, either way. BPAS or Marie Stopes can arrange for counselling for you to help you come to a decision. Good luck.

WinchWench88 Sat 30-Jan-16 20:55:56

No real support in RL. Kids dad is good and will have them when im ill ( ive been in hosp twice with this pregnancy)

As for babys dad who knows.

Financially i dont know, but we have plenty of babies in the family so have plenty of equipment in that sense...
i have my student finance and benefits but thats about it

WinchWench88 Sat 30-Jan-16 20:56:39

Im assuming she does, i did send her a message after he left..

FellOutOfBedTwice Sat 30-Jan-16 20:58:19

This is going to sound harsh and blunt but I don't mean to be unkind- I just think you need to face reality a bit here... Having this baby is very likely to be a bad decision for you and the children you already have. Of course if you have it you will love it but you need to think about the three kids you already have. This guy is clearly a waste of space. He will do all he can to avoid paying for it. He's going to have children by four different women, he clearly doesn't know what contraception is. You won't be able to cope financially and you admit you find it hard to cope practically on your own. Uni is likely to end up with you dropping out.

An abortion may mean some difficult feelings in the short term but longer term it means a better life for the children you already have.

hownottofuckup Sat 30-Jan-16 20:58:29

The ex/GF did abort when she found out about it all, which apparently was my fault and I should have aborted as I already had children and she didn't.
He was horrid through out the pregnancy, threatening suicide etc. I had horrible sickness etc but coped. Baby arrived, he was then interested. We are now in counselling/mediation to find a way to move forward.
Sounds awful written down! But I don't regret the decision I made for a moment.

WinchWench88 Sat 30-Jan-16 21:06:23

i know i do, i suppose i say i cope crap cs thats wat im being told by ex hub. i know my kids will adapt n love this baby..... i just know ill suffer mentally if i go through with it especially as i lost one last month

hownottofuckup Sat 30-Jan-16 21:21:31

As Fell says for some people the effects (grief?) of an abortion can be short term, if you feel that would be the case for you it's definitely worth considering.

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