This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

I want it, he doesn't.

(40 Posts)
GalwayGal123 Tue 29-Dec-15 21:06:54

Hi,
I found out just over a week ago that I am pregnant...I'm only 5 or 6 weeks...totally unplanned and I've only been with my boyfriend for 10 months. We don't live together although we would have planned to in the future.
I already have a ten year old DS, he has a 2 year old DD from previous relationships.
He does not want the baby, not one bit. But I do. All his reasons for not having it are ones I agree with...timing is wrong, situation is wrong, he already had an unplanned DD who he doesn't live with, we don't live together, he is in the process of moving house for work further away than he is right now, we haven't been together very long, we need to get to know each other better, enjoy time together etc etc. (And I know we should have used proper protection to ensure this didn't happen, but we got caught out and it has)
I agree with everything he says, but I'm the one who is pregnant and bonding and feeling emotional about it...I know a termination won't save my relationship but I really don't know what to do.
He says this is the worst thing that could have happened to him and if I loved him, I would have a termination because how could I have a baby with someone who doesn't want it.
I don't know what to do and it's taking up my every thought.

kimlo Tue 29-Dec-15 21:11:17

You want the baby, then you have the baby. But dont count on him being around.

You will be fine.

Im pro choice, but its obvious from your post that its not your choice.

magpie17 Tue 29-Dec-15 21:14:47

Oh god, what a situation. I see his point and you obviously do too, but in my opinion if you have a termination that you do not want for somebody else then you will regret it and your relationship will be ruined anyway. On the other hand if you have the baby you will almost certainly be a single mum (again? I presume you were a single mum before this relationship). Can you handle/face that?

You need to ask yourself some hard questions but either way, I think you will be going it alone - either with the baby or not. I'm sorry you're in this situation, it's really hard X

Twitterqueen Tue 29-Dec-15 21:16:02

you must do what is right for you - otherwise you will be traumatised. I would suggest counselling because even though your instincts have kicked in strongly, you need to be able to articulate your feelings and counselling will help you do this.

FWIW you obviously do know what to do. You say a termination won't save your relationship and you clearly want to keep the baby. Good luck and congratulations flowers

GalwayGal123 Tue 29-Dec-15 21:57:56

I do want the baby, but I'm so scared of doing it on my own again.
I was a single mum at age 20, but I was never in love with my sons father.
I'm so in love with this man and it's going to be so hard if he leaves me.

tribpot Tue 29-Dec-15 22:04:13

What he chooses to do is up to you. But this is your choice. If he wanted to continue with the pregnancy and you didn't, do you honestly think you'd decide to go ahead based on his wishes? The same applies in reverse.

It's unfortunate that it's happened, you both should have been more responsible about contraception if you wanted to avoid pregnancy, but even if you had been, these things happen. Good luck whatever you decide to do.

tribpot Tue 29-Dec-15 22:38:38

Doh, I've just realised I meant to type 'what he chooses to do is up to him' of course!

itsbetterthanabox Tue 29-Dec-15 22:46:22

Do what you want for your body. Him saying this is the worst thing that could happen to him and saying if you loved him you'd terminate is so, so wrong. He should be supporting whatever your decision is.
It doesn't sound like he will be particularly supportive either way so it's whether you feel you want to raise a child in the majority yourself.

BathtimeFunkster Tue 29-Dec-15 22:50:37

He says this is the worst thing that could have happened to him and if I loved him, I would have a termination because how could I have a baby with someone who doesn't want it.

Ugh.

What an absolute prick.

If you want to have another baby then don't have a termination.

Either way your relationship with this manipulative prince among men is fucked.

tribpot Tue 29-Dec-15 22:56:58

Btw for someone who already has a child via an unplanned pregnancy, he has been remarkably casual about making sure it didn't happen again. I imagine he gave this same speech to the mother of his dd, what a charmer.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Tue 29-Dec-15 23:00:06

He sounds like a total bastard
Whatever you do about the pregnancy, this is going to colour your view of him isn't it?

BathtimeFunkster Tue 29-Dec-15 23:25:37

I imagine he gave this same speech to the mother of his dd

Not to mention the other women who had abortions for him.

LucyBabs Tue 29-Dec-15 23:34:21

I'm struggling to understand some of the pps comment "not to mention the other women who had abortions for him" Really? maybe he's fucked off that his dp is pregnant and he's upset about it too and saying stupid and insensitive things?
Why is it only his fault that they didn't use protection?

Sorry op I completely agree with those who have said its your choice, its your body and you have the final say.

Sorry you have found yourself in such a difficult situation. I've been there too flowers

tribpot Tue 29-Dec-15 23:44:21

That's speculation, LucyBabs. OP has only confirmed that the DP already has one child conceived as a result of a contraception failure. No-one's saying it's only his fault, but he's the one bandying around phrases like 'if you loved me you would abort', whilst being lax on contraception despite already having fathered a child in such circumstances. Bathtime is speculating that there were other such pregnancies where the woman did agree to abort based on his veiled threats.

ImtheChristmasCarcass Tue 29-Dec-15 23:51:49

So you're being given a choice. The baby or the man. It's obvious to me that your choice is the baby and you have that absolute right. It's what I'd do in a heartbeat if I were you.

But you aren't going to be able to have both. He has the right to not want the child and to walk away. He must support the child financially, of course, but you can't make him be a father to the child. Just make sure he understands that if he walks away he needs to stay away and leave you to make a life for yourself and your children.

LucyBabs Wed 30-Dec-15 00:03:21

Yes speculation.. Why brand the ops dp as bad person. I said and thought some awful things when i had an unwanted pregnancy it doesn't me a bad person.I was just upset to have found myself in a situation I'd caused myself...obviously my dps fault too..

GalwayGal123 Wed 30-Dec-15 10:46:36

Thank you for all your responses.
He came over last night and we had a nice evening, not really mentioning it...but this morning he woke up upset saying he's cried himself to sleep every night and if he could take me to a clinic today and get rid of it, he would. He says it's an embarrassment to him, and he knows it's his own fault.
This time last year he was with the mother of his other child living together, and I've just asked him to leave because he said that this time last year he was happy and all I've done is fuck his life up.

GalwayGal123 Wed 30-Dec-15 10:47:16

My choice is still my baby, and it won't change.
It's just becoming much more evident that it's going to be harder than I thought.

CallieTorres Wed 30-Dec-15 10:52:36

" He says it's an embarrassment to him"

This has made me see red i am afraid, embarassment? is he fucking serious?

GalwayGal123 Wed 30-Dec-15 10:55:25

Yes he is. He said I should be embarrassed too. I told him I'm not embarrassed and asked him to leave.

CallieTorres Wed 30-Dec-15 11:05:25

well done for you.

You have some hard decisions coming up, i guess you need to weigh up what life as a single parent will be this time round, and if you want to go there.

he is such a wanker, oh he's made me very cross!!! (overinvested)

tribpot Wed 30-Dec-15 11:13:15

Wow. An embarrassment? What a fucking prince.

Well, at least your choices are now unambiguous. I'm sorry that both options are so hard.

GalwayGal123 Wed 30-Dec-15 11:27:55

He's saying things like I probably planned this, I wanted a baby, I've got what I want, I'm happy to be having a baby like this or I wouldn't be doing it...
I said this is just as hard and life changing for me, but he says it can't be hard for me because I'm keeping it.

I'm stuck for people in real life to talk to objectively about this as one of my sisters is pregnant and my other sister has a new baby.

tribpot Wed 30-Dec-15 11:56:55

It's a great deal more life-changing for you, given he's getting ready to walk away. All this is going to cost him is money.

Do you want to get some counselling about pregnancy choices? Talk over the options with someone neutral?

GalwayGal123 Wed 30-Dec-15 12:10:59

Yes I think counselling would be a great idea for me right now...thank you.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now