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This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

Unplanned pregnancy after miscarriage

(14 Posts)
Polgen20 Mon 28-Dec-15 10:43:20

Hoping for some advice or support if anyone has experienced similar sad

I have a DD already and DP and I some months back decided to ttc a second, we were successful first cycle but unfortunately lost the baby early in the pregnancy. During the miscarriage my 'D'P was quite unsupportive but I put it down to him dealing with his feelings in different ways. He then told me he wasn't ready to try again and didn't want to discuss it. A few weeks later after a number of arguments he unexpectedly moved out saying he wasn't happy etc. I have just found out I am pregnant again, completely unplanned and I am in shock, the only time we dtd was just after the bleeding from mc stopped so I'd assumed too early to conceive. I'm unsure if I could raise two children on my own and terrified to tell him as I know he will not be pleased. I just don't know if I could face a termination after losing the baby. Completely lost.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Mon 28-Dec-15 11:02:17

I'm really sorry for your loss - in your position I would definitely not terminate, but only you can decide what you can cope with flowers

Polgen20 Mon 28-Dec-15 11:26:23

Thank you Obs I feel so messed up considering this considering the pain of losing the child to consider anything other than keeping it but how my ex has treated the situation with moving out I don't think there is any chance of a reconcilliation either way and I just don't know how I feel bringing a child in the world knowing they will never have a 'proper' family. sad

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Mon 28-Dec-15 11:31:32

It will have you and its big sibling, that's a proper family. That's not a reason to terminate. Finances, mental health, physical health, existing child are all reasons to consider but if you want another baby and those issues aren't obstacles then I'd consider it...

thekingfisher Mon 28-Dec-15 11:34:38

Polgen - Im sorry for your loss and also for being in the position you are now - its horrible and I am sure you are feeling very alone.

I would try to separate the two events. You miscarried a much wanted baby -
You have found yourself pregnant now in different circumstances and therefore I think you need as much as possible to consider your emotions accordingly. Are you able to access some counselling through marie stopes or the like - I found this very useful indeed in helping me to weave through my mixed, complicated and churning emotions

You need to consider the implications both emotional and practically of both courses of action -

There are no right or wrong actions only what is right for you at the time.

Thinking of you and here to hold your hand - whatever your choice

thekingfisher Mon 28-Dec-15 11:35:45

Obsidian - OP's concerns are valid to HER - its HER choice - its not for you to dictate what is valid or not....

Polgen20 Mon 28-Dec-15 12:30:34

Financially another baby in my current situation would not be ideal given I would need to support two children on what would only be maternity pay + tax credits once the baby would be born. But I know that I could manage just, I just feel on a personal level it would be really hard to go through pregnancy and the early newborn days by myself with my DC to also look after and worries DC could suffer. I found it hard enough the first time around with just the baby and DPs support. I am trying to think of both pregnancies differently but I know the mc is affecting my decisions and the guilt thinking we lost one child then unexpectedly given another but not welcomed in the same way is awful..

BeaufortBelle Mon 28-Dec-15 12:40:07

I too think you need to separate the miscarriage and new pg from the fact he has left and rationalise both separately.

Was he a good dad and partner before this? Was him leaving completely unexpected? Might you have ended up on your own anyway in a year or two?

Dealing with a miscarriage is heartbreaking in any event. It also makes the next pg more stressful Imo. Both mine were conceived on the heels of mc. Dealing with my second child was much easier than with my first and I often rationalise that if I hadn't had that last miscarriage I wouldn't have the daughter I have and adore.

I think the suggestion of some counselling would be helpful. How far along are you?

I hope it all works out well for you whatever you decide. Is your family supportive?

Polgen20 Mon 28-Dec-15 13:01:29

He has always been a great dad and since the break up he hasn't let our DC down and has spent every bit of time he has outside of work with her. I would say he is a better dad than partner but I didn't expect the break up at all so never thought with previous pregnancy that I may end up a single parent. One big worry I have is if I do chose to terminate I will always wonder what DC's sibling would have been like.

I think I am about 6 weeks but could be a little either side of that as I had no period since the mc. I do have a supportive family that currently help a lot with DD. I also feel a little guilty that ex has no choice on this although he made clear he didn't want another, and worried that he may carry over those feelings over to the child if continue?

BeaufortBelle Mon 28-Dec-15 13:09:51

Is this his reaction to the grief of the miscarriage perhaps and him not coping with his feelings? I've been married for 25 years, more mc than I care to remember. DH was never great over it, never very supportive, just put his head down and worked and was very unhappy about trying for dd who was conceived on what might have been a marriage breaking row.

Could relate be helpful here. I really do believe some men just don't know how to cope or deal with this. You have to tell him you know.

Apart from that love and hugs x

Polgen20 Mon 28-Dec-15 13:18:48

Thank you Beau, sorry for your losses sad
He didn't deal with the mc very well and refused to talk about it he said at one point he needed space from me because being around him reminded him what happened, that really hurt. It just drove a wedge between us to the point of breaking, at the time I suggested counselling to help us talk it through and communicate with each other but he was very anti talking to anyone and he just treats it like that never happened. We still spent Christmas together for DD and he was in high spirits asking me why I didn't want more to drink (was unaware of pg at time). He didn't understand that after everything that happened that I wouldn't be in the mood for celebrating the time we would have been having a scan and telling friends and family. X

BeaufortBelle Mon 28-Dec-15 13:50:01

I think he's as heartbroken and scared as you love. Marriage (partnerships) are a massive learning curve about how each other deal with the hard stuff like bereavement.

Make an appointment with relate and tell him you are going and why. He doesn't have to go with you at least at first.

Polgen20 Wed 30-Dec-15 17:51:43

I think maybe you are right, I am definitely going to go down the counselling route.
Im booked for a scan this week to confirm dates and check everything is okay post mc, I've told ex who just said that he wants to come to the appointment, he came across as in shock so I will let the news digest, have the scan and then try and decide what path to go down, although in my gut I don't know if I could go through with a termination in this case without regrets sad thanks everyone for the advice and support x

BeaufortBelle Wed 30-Dec-15 19:07:27

I hope it all works out. Extends hand flowers.

Very best of luck. If you all stick together you will have learnt a little more about him and he will have learnt a little more about dealing with this sort of grief x

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