This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

40 years old, 19 weeks pregnant and still can't decide!

(233 Posts)
Krissy7530 Thu 17-Dec-15 18:46:57

I dated someone for a few months and never expected to get pregnant. He's in no position to have a child. I am not expecting anything from him and at first he said he would at least be emotionally supportive either way but now says not to expect anything from him. 3 weeks ago he assumed I had an abortion (I have been to the clinic 6 times and couldn't follow through) and I never told him otherwise until this week. He's quickly moved on and started dating and now tells me I've ruined his life. The point of my discussion about him is that either way I have considered the pregnancy going down, with or without him, my dilemma remains the same. I have one child (20 years old) and when I thought I couldn't have anymore children it was a sad thing for me, but I truly didn't want any to start out with. I see babies and baby things and I want to run away! There is nothing in me that ooohs and awes. As I said, I've been to a clinic 6 times and keep leaving. After I leave I go through an initial relief which quickly turns to severe anxiety and crippling depression (which I have no history of) the following day bc I can't see myself with another baby. I've gone to my gp throughout and did testing just in case I couldn't terminate. I know the sex of it. I'm down to the final days when I can still find a clinic that will perform the termination. I believe that I just can't make the decision because I'm in a state of grief already after having lost my mother, father, and only other sibling within the past two years. Help!! I don't want a baby but don't know how to follow through with the abortion either. I've talked to counsellors and friends and nothing helps.

EachandEveryone Thu 17-Dec-15 18:51:35

You are cutting it fine now. Would you consider adoption?

Dinobab Thu 17-Dec-15 18:53:07

Have you had counselling? Usually abortion services offer this.
If its of any help I nearly ran away when I had a termination even though it's what I wanted at the time, it was just how permanent the decision was that was scaring me, you can't undo it and I was scared of regretting it more than I actually did regret it if that makes sense?had a wobble on the due date but nothing too bad.

Although walking out 6 times... Maybe a part of you does want to keep the baby?

Krissy7530 Thu 17-Dec-15 18:57:03

@EachandEveryon: I could never do adoption. I'm capable financially to look after it. Emotionally, a mess though.

Finola1step Thu 17-Dec-15 18:59:30

I think you're very brave in asking the question. I can see that you are in such a difficult situation.

But, very gently, you are 19 weeks along. It is still your body and your choice but I do wonder if the reason you haven't been able to terminate is because you want the time to run out. And then the decision is made for you, in a way.

Each asked a good question. Would you consider adoption?

Krissy7530 Thu 17-Dec-15 18:59:40

@dinobab: I went to a counsellor and spoke with clinic counsellors. I am terrified I will regret it later. I had an abortion in the past (12 years ago) which I did not regret, but I'm not the same person. Part of me would keep it and doesnt want to terminate but I can't specifically say, "I want this baby."

Finola1step Thu 17-Dec-15 19:00:03

Sorry x post.

Krissy7530 Thu 17-Dec-15 19:02:41

@Finola: I agree with and have thought about the time running out, but that really isn't a decision in my mind... It's just forcing the circumstances. If I could just wave a wand :'(

Tardigrade001 Thu 17-Dec-15 19:06:46

I would not terminate at 19 weeks. Adoption could be a good solution.

Krissy7530 Thu 17-Dec-15 19:17:39

I could never do adoption. I'm capable financially to look after it. Emotionally, a mess though.

Krissy7530 Thu 17-Dec-15 19:18:38

I went to a counsellor and spoke with clinic counsellors. I am terrified I will regret it later. I had an abortion in the past (12 years ago) which I did not regret, but I'm not the same person. Part of me would keep it and doesnt want to terminate but I can't specifically say, "I want this baby."

Krissy7530 Thu 17-Dec-15 19:19:25

I agree with and have thought about the time running out, but that really isn't a decision in my mind... It's just forcing the circumstances. If I could just wave a wand :'(

Finola1step Thu 17-Dec-15 19:20:59

Why are you repeating your answers Krissy?

cupcakelovinggirl Thu 17-Dec-15 19:22:46

Most people don't feel emotionally ready when they find out they are pregnant. What's the worst thing that could happen if you carried on with the pregnancy? What are you afraid of? X

Krissy7530 Thu 17-Dec-15 19:23:40

I didn't realize there was a reply button. Sorry - I can't say my brain is functioning that well atm.

VoldysGoneMouldy Thu 17-Dec-15 19:27:57

How did you feel when you were pregnant with your older DC? Did you have this mix of feelings then? I only ask as I think most women at some point have a "shit I can't do this" vibe, and for many it carries on for a while. Not trying to invalidate your feelings, just make it a bit more normal.

You are running out of time though. Are you sure the clinic will even perform abortions that late, because a lot won't.

dontaskdonttell Thu 17-Dec-15 19:33:08

There aren't many places that would carry out a termination at 19 weeks, unless for medical reasons.

I'm 20 weeks pregnant and hormones are playing havoc, I'm in a bad way with anxiety and low mood. I'm saying this, because perhaps that could be a issue?

Have you had your 12 week scan? Have you had involvement from the midwives?

You do not have much time left.

Krissy7530 Thu 17-Dec-15 19:36:00

I'm afraid of change. I'm afraid of it being too hard. I'm afraid of not being able to love it (with so much recent loss I don't feel capable of loving at all). I'm afraid of the life long commitment (my son is 20 and can look after himself). I feel like I just need a break from all the stress and sorrow of the past few years and this will only make it worse.

Krissy7530 Thu 17-Dec-15 19:38:36

I was 19 with my son and don't remember feeling fearful - just naive. I've tried to separate hormone feelings from logic. My best friend tells me, "you never wanted children to start out with... If you weren't pregnant you wouldn't choose to be."

TrinityForce Thu 17-Dec-15 19:38:48

it could also be a fresh start and new beginning for you, to focus your energy on.

I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time, best of luck to you.

confusedandemployed Thu 17-Dec-15 19:40:29

FWIW I had a termination last May, I discovered I was pg when my only DD was just 1 (and I was 41).

At first we were all excited about the new baby and amazed it happened so easily. Then DD got sick - it was potentially very serious (it wasn't, she was fine but we couldn't know that at the time). After weeks of agonising I came to the realisation that I couldn't go through with the pregnancy and cope with a seriously ill DD. So I terminated. I made the right decision for my situation at the time.

I won't lie, sometimes I do regret it. But I stand by the fact that my decision was right for our family at that time and with the limited information we had.

What I'm trying to say is that you can only do what's right for you right now. No one can tell you that you won't regret your decision, whatever it is - and the truth is, whatever you do decide you'll probably have at least one or two regrets along the way. Because there is no right answer. Only the least bad answer.

flowers

cupcakelovinggirl Thu 17-Dec-15 19:40:33

This baby could change your life for the better. I don't want to sugarcoat what having a child entails but I don't believe a baby could make you feel worse.

Krissy7530 Thu 17-Dec-15 19:44:47

I have had my 12 week scan and blood work for nuchal translucency test - they came back normal. I've had 18 week anatomy scan - results pending but the technician didn't look worried. I've spoken to my gp about an amniocentesis but I wouldn't let her refer me to an obstetrical gynaecologist yet bc I would just freak out at the thought.

Terminations where I am can be up until 24 weeks. In no way do I think this is ideal but I will never judge bc I know where I am sitting but truly have no idea how it got here.

I imagine my hormones are a mess but I can't separate the hormone crazy from the situational crazy. This is the worst feeling ever.

Krissy7530 Thu 17-Dec-15 19:46:14

I have tried to set it this way too.. Unfortunately, that hope gets lost easily in the confusion. Thank you for your kind words.

Krissy7530 Thu 17-Dec-15 19:48:25

Thank you for sharing your experience. I think it's a good point that I need to stop trying to make my decision based on what could be and more on what is happening right now.

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