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This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

My DP is adamant he wants no more children .... I don't think I can terminate

(46 Posts)
Pigwitch Mon 26-Oct-15 22:18:58

I've found myself at the age of 40 pregnant unexpectedly.
My DP is 46 and we have 3 children together.
My DP is a wonderful father and his kids are his life however he is adamant he doesn't want anymore.
I agree with his reasoning ie. we're finally fiancially stable , have got past the baby stage , I've recently returned to work. He says he couldn't think of anything worse than having a baby in the house. He says he's too old.
I understand everything he's saying but it doesn't make it any easier.
I just can't stop crying at the though of aborting our baby.
It's just a crap situation all around which is a no win.
I can't have the baby if he's so against it - it wouldn't be fair , and I'm not prepared to do it on my own. I have my other children to think about.

Bubbletree4 Mon 26-Oct-15 22:23:08

If he feels that strongly then be should have had a vasectomy or worn a condom. You don't want to terminate so therefore you shouldn't.

KirstyJC Mon 26-Oct-15 22:27:43

I agree. Presumably after having 3 kids he has worked out how they are made? And still continued to have sex? So he must have known it was a possibility.

If you don't feel you can have an abortion then don't. It isn't anyone else's decision - and I expect your other kids would be over the moon.

Savagebeauty Mon 26-Oct-15 22:29:54

Had you discussed having more children? What contraception were you using?

RandomMess Mon 26-Oct-15 22:32:04

Thing is would you ever forgiving him for blackmailing you into a termination, I'm really not sure I could?

Just huge hugs x

blueshoes Mon 26-Oct-15 22:35:46

I think both people in a relationship must want the child. Otherwise the child might suffer too.

ProfessorPickles Mon 26-Oct-15 22:38:14

How long has it been since you found out you are pregnant OP?

If you wanted to keep the baby and he wanted to abort then I don't feel that automatically means you must abort, your feelings about this are equal to his.
Take your time when deciding what is the best thing to do, people say they definitely don't want things then sometimes they change their mind which is why I was wondering how long it had been. I know this isn't the same situation but I was pregnant as a teenager and my parents were gutted and adamant I should abort my baby, 1 month later and they were over the moon and couldn't wait to meet him.
Don't feel like you have to abort your baby if this isn't what you want OP

cowbag1 Mon 26-Oct-15 22:38:27

It really pisses me off when men, who are adamant they don't want any more children, get upset when their OH gets pregnant, despite them taking no steps to permanently remove their ability to get said OH pregnant.

Why is contraception always the woman's responsibility? angry

MissBattleaxe Mon 26-Oct-15 22:40:01

He got you pregnant. It is 50/50 so he can't just undo it. He has to live with the consequences don't terminate if you don't want to. You will never really forgive him

CocktailQueen Mon 26-Oct-15 22:40:18

Hmm, that's rich blaming the op's dh for her pregnancy when we don't know the facts!

Op, this is a really tough decision.

Is there an organisation that offers counselling and advice to women in your situation?

NewLife4Me Mon 26-Oct-15 22:40:20

How long as he known OP.
is there a chance he may change his mind.
My dh felt exactly the same as yours and about 2 /4 weeks after I told him he came round, out of the blue.
I agree that you both need to want to have a child though, and glad I never had to make the decision to terminate or lose dh.
It must be very hard for you, hugs and thanks

Iggi999 Mon 26-Oct-15 23:04:49

I'm sorry you're in this situation. There is no way I would terminate a pregnancy against my wishes. I don't think I could get over that so the relationship would be dead anyway. Does he realise what he is asking you to do, I mean fully "get it"?

VimFuego101 Mon 26-Oct-15 23:06:27

Presumably he was there at the conception, and is aware that contraception is not 100% effective. So he is being unreasonable.

Pigwitch Tue 27-Oct-15 08:34:15

Sorry for delay in replying.
We have been using condoms though we didn't on one occasion - I have been asking him for a couple of years to have a vasectomy if he doesn't want anymore children but he never did it.
I knew he'd be shocked when I told him but I thought he'd be ok.
I found out on Saturday so not long ago - I have only just missed a period so only about 4 weeks or so.

I have been trying to sort out an appointment to discuss terminating but it's been much harder than I thought.
I rang Marie Stopes and the nearest clinic doesn't have funding from my GP practice. I rang my GP this morning and my GP won't refer me as it's against her religion and there are no locums on.

MissBattleaxe Tue 27-Oct-15 08:36:04

Hmm, that's rich blaming the op's dh for her pregnancy when we don't know the facts!

Hardly! He is half responsible for it. He was there at the conception so is therefore half responsible.

shutupanddance Tue 27-Oct-15 08:39:45

Its totally your choice. Don't be pressurised into something you might regret.

vestandknickers Tue 27-Oct-15 08:41:45

This is a conversation you should have had when you had sex without a condom. I am really sorry you are in such a horrible situation, but you can't go ahead if he really doesn't want this baby.

petalsandstars Tue 27-Oct-15 08:41:52

You are both obviously on opposite sides of this. He is thinking of himself as putting his feelings above yours. You are tending to also put his feelings above yours- I can't tell you what to do but I can't help but feel that there will be lingering resentment which may consume you if you have a termination that you don't want. What would your decision be if he was ambivalent or even supporting of your own feelings?

Whoknewitcouldbeso Tue 27-Oct-15 08:43:00

Don't be pushed into a termination as your relationship will certainly suffer as a result. Only pursue that option if you really want to do it yourself.

Utterlyclueless Tue 27-Oct-15 08:46:45

Your GP has to refer you to Atleast one medical professional whether it's a nurse or a doctor.

Is there not a local sexual health clinic you can contact?

Ledkr Tue 27-Oct-15 08:46:55

Good god. Does he take no responsibility at all?
I completely agree with others in saying DO NOT terminate unless YOU want to. It could lead to far greater problems than an extra baby.

CocktailQueen Tue 27-Oct-15 09:18:59

- the gp won't refer you as it's against her religion? It's nothing to do with her or her religion! Go back and ask to see another one.

Both your feelings are valid here, and I can see both points of view. If you have the baby it could mean the end of your marriage, and if you don't you could resent your dh and equally could mean the end of your marriage.

If your dh was happy about it, how would you feel?

LetGoOrBeDragged Tue 27-Oct-15 09:24:59

So your 'd'p didn't use contraception and didn't do anything about getting a vasectomy! This situation is entirely his own fault. He is not giving your feelings anywhere near the level of consideration you are giving to his. Time to get angry I think - he has put you in this position by being too selfish to either use contraception or accept (with good grace and kindness) the consequences.

I strongly believe that no woman should have a termination that she doesn't want.

wannaBe Tue 27-Oct-15 09:49:37

This isn't about fault or blame. Funny how no-one is blaming the op for not being on the pill and relying entirely on her h to use condoms...? hmm And if the dh wanted to keep the baby and the op wanted a termination no-one would be being supportive of what he wants?

At the end of the day what happened before is irrelevant, the op is pregnant and throwing around accusations of who should have used contraception and who is entitled to the ultimate say helps no-one.

Op the most important thing here is communication. Neither of your feelings are invalid, but you do need to come to an agreement over where the future lies with regard to this baby. You need to sit down and have a proper discussion over everything that is involved... so:

Your dh doesn't want any more children because you are currently financially secure, you're just getting your independence back, going from three to four is quite a jump, bigger car, bigger house, bigger outlay financially and the next eighteen years of your lives are pretty much sorted.... None of those reasons are invalid ones for not wanting any more children, and would be completely valid reasons for saying no if you had, for instance, wanted another baby and he'd offered those reasons as to why he didn't.

But you are already pregnant, and having already had three children you don't see yourself in a position to terminate a pregnancy, even though you see his reasons as being valid ones and actually would have agreed with him if you'd been at the talking about more children stage.

So, based on those factors you need to talk about whether:

- not wanting your lives to change is a good enough reason to terminate an existing pregnancy. It doesn't matter whether more children weren't in the future plans, as things now stand, another baby is in the future plans for eight months time. Given the relationship which exists between your dh and his children, does he really think that another child will be such a disaster that he is prepared to terminate it knowing the relationship he will most likely have with it once it is born?

- does he see not terminating this pregnancy as a deal-breaker for your relationship? i.e. if you don't terminate does he feel that he would then have no option but to leave? in which case the financial security and independence he talks about now would change anyway, as would his relationship with his existing children...

- if you continue this pregnancy, are you prepared to become a single parent to four children if this is a dealbreaker for your dh?

Similarly if you do terminate this pregnancy would it be because you absolutely believe that it is the right thing to do rather than because of your dh's wishes. If not, can you see your relationship lasting as a result? or alternatively are you prepared for the fact you could end up a single parent to three children because of the resentment this may cause?

Neither of you is in the wrong fwiw. Lots of people find themselves unexpectedly pregnant, and the reality is that if we took the "well they shouldn't have had sex if they weren't prepared to have a baby," line with every unplanned pregnancy then we would have no such thing as terminations or adoptions or even the need for contraception because people would only have sex to pro create, and we know that's not reality.

Talk to him. Lots of people react to an unplanned pregnancy in a "I don't want it," way and then come round once the reality hits home. Just because he wants you to have a termination now doesn't mean that this is the step you must take if that's not what you want. And it doesn't make him a bad person for wanting you to have a termination if he is usually a loving and supportive person - it makes him human.

But you need to talk, talk, talk as much as possible. If you usually have a good communicative relationship then there is no reason why you can't talk about this.

Good luck.

Whoknewitcouldbeso Tue 27-Oct-15 09:57:30

Just to add that as a fellow 40 year old who is pregnant, it was a hard old road to get here plagued with recurrent miscarriage. We finally seem to have got a good egg this time but at 40 your chances of a miscarriage are significantly higher than five years ago. So just have that possibility in the back of your mind as you're trying to decide what to do. I would hate for both if you to get onboard with the pregnancy after a lot of heartache only to lose it and be devastated.

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