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This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

I fell in love with a man who isn't my husband

(31 Posts)
erisj81 Sun 18-Oct-15 20:40:43

He is fun and passionate and handsome but somewhat cruel and definitely not in love with me.

I am 6 weeks pregnant (he is definitely the father) and I don't know what to do. I have always been pro-choice but that isn't a choice I can imagine myself making now that it's real. I am 34. I don't have any excuses. I think this baby will be utterly beautiful.

The man I love already has several children and a hugely busy job. He is fervently anti-abortion but I can't see him even acknowledging this situation.

My husband wants to have a child. I can almost imagine him accepting someone else's baby. But that's a monstrous thing to even imagine. I am going to have to get divorced and live alone with this baby. The anticipation of responsibility is crushing. I am already so tired.

My parents will disown me. Us.

I feel so bleak. I know that I deserve to feel that way. I'm sorry for writing this and fouling up your Sunday evenings when other people have terrible problems they didn't create for themselves. I really appreciate you listening (even if your only response is to berate me).

I also know that this sounds massively egocentric and that I need to consider the fact that another person will exist at the end of this thanks to my stupid behaviour. I can't decide whether it is less selfish to have an abortion, even though it will break my heart, or to be alone and make the best of it.

If anyone has a magic wand that would be really brilliant.

Petrified1 Sun 18-Oct-15 21:43:10

Is the OM also married/in a relationship?

Blodss Sun 18-Oct-15 21:47:02

How long have you been having a relationship with this OM? Are you sure your in love with him though or just in lust.
You need to talk to your husband really and let him know what is happening then he can make an informed decision on whether to stay with you or separate. You may be surprised.

Whoknewitcouldbeso Sun 18-Oct-15 21:50:46

Sorry I didn't quite understand. You have been having an affair and have fallen pregnant by the OM?

If I'm correct then you must tell him and see what he says. You absolutely musn't try and pretend the baby is your husbands if your 100% sure he is not. That's just horribly cruel and eventually you will be found out.

erisj81 Sun 18-Oct-15 21:51:13

He is in the process of getting divorced (was separated when I met him... because of his cheating on his wife a few times, unfortunately).

I think it's love. I have felt lust. Does it really matter if it isn't returned, though sad

I really just wish I could dissolve into the ground and not exist any more. He will be heartbroken.

00100001 Sun 18-Oct-15 21:52:54

Good lord, you're married, had an affair with a married man, and now you're having the OMs baby????

Is this some sort of soap?

Why the fuck did you have an affair???

erisj81 Sun 18-Oct-15 21:52:55

I know I can't pretend. Aside from anything else (aside from the fact that the guilt would be unbearable) I expect they will have comprehensive DNA screening for children in the near future to check for illnesses and so forth.

I should just have an abortion. It is what my mum would say. But it might be the last child I can ever have, who knows.

Sorry again.

00100001 Sun 18-Oct-15 21:54:12

Feel as crap as you like. You made your bed.

erisj81 Sun 18-Oct-15 21:54:22

001 -I met him and I fell completely for him. Before that I would have agreed that there are always rational choices to be made but now I don't believe that at all. He is the best person I have ever met.

It is quite horrendous and soapy, though. Well, two elements with quite bad consequences.

Bored12345 Sun 18-Oct-15 21:57:47

Truthfully it sounds like it won't work out with om even if you and dh split up. And I am not sure this is. Secret you can or should keep the child's entire life (is it even possible in this day of dna?).

You will work out the right thing for you. If it were me I think I would take the tough decision to terminate and then work out which if any of the two men you wanted to be with as a separate issue.

But you may need to talk this through with someone independent. An abortion clinic could offer counselling before you make any decisions.

Hope you work out what is best for you. X

queenofthepirates Sun 18-Oct-15 21:57:51

I'm sure none of us can say anything you're not already thinking but do give your DH a choice, he may surprise you. If he does leave, bringing up a child a lone isn't so bad-I did it and we are perfectly fine. My DD is beautiful, gifted and lovely. Quirky bit lovely. The subject of her father is rarely raised.

Looseleaf Sun 18-Oct-15 21:59:41

Don't apologise to us, I'm not feeling here to judge you and sure you feel isolated enough through what you've done. but you do need to work out what to do. My thinking is forget this man, put those feelings behind you and the most important thing is talking in an open and honest way to your husband , understanding how hurt he will be but giving him the respect of talking to him and talking everything through with him. See what you can work out together and if you need help eg Relate, look for it. But do be honest with him as the impact on him is huge too

erisj81 Sun 18-Oct-15 22:01:03

thanks, Bored and queen, I appreciate your kindness in the face of quite an undeserving scenario

I think I would definitely be on my own and I don't think that would be altogether bad, looking back, but I see my friends with newborn babies who seem wiped out even with help

This is so ridiculous! I think I had kind of assumed I wouldn't be that fertile (thanks, Daily Mail) and it was literally a one-time risk (I am on the Pill but had been sick that morning)

Blue2014 Sun 18-Oct-15 22:01:23

Op - he is cruel, not in love with you and probably won't acknowledge the baby? Unless you have only ever met one person me mostly certainly isn't the best person you've ever met!

Go for counselling, this is too big a thing to listen to us strangers.

erisj81 Sun 18-Oct-15 22:04:44

Lord, it looks horrendous when you put it like that, Blue. He is not kind.

You are right. I need counselling.

I keep thinking it might go away but I need to just be pragmatic.

Also, because I didn't see this coming, I have spent about half of the last month drunk at various birthday parties etc sad

everybodylovesdogs Sun 18-Oct-15 22:10:49

Nobody should tell you to terminate. It is your baby no matter how unfortunate the circumstances of it's conception.
Get yourself some good counselling and look at why you were having an affair and what you want to do now about your marriage and also how you could cope with your baby alone and how you feel about that.
Don't beat yourself up. You are where you are and you need some support to plan how you go forward.
If it was me I would tell your husband asap so he has time to deal with his feelings. But that's me.
I'm so sorry for you. What a difficult situation to end up in.

00100001 Sun 18-Oct-15 22:16:06

Really? A serial cheater, that is "somewhat cruel" is the best person you've ever met? hmmconfused

00100001 Sun 18-Oct-15 22:17:16

Talk to your husband and tell him what's happened.

mellowyellow1 Mon 19-Oct-15 13:48:22

Agree don't beat yourself up, the situation sounds hard enough as it is. I think you need some counselling asap. Marie Stopes can do it over the phone.

I don't think that having the baby and pretending it's your husbands is a good idea.

RidingSixWhiteHorses Mon 19-Oct-15 14:14:25

Omg, I really wouldn't talk to your husband about it yet until you decide whether you a) want the baby and b) want your husband. Because of the answers are no to baby and yes to husband then you can make that happen without him ever knowing. I don't believe in people needing to know the truth about what has happened if you right it yourself.

00100001 Mon 19-Oct-15 14:30:46

Surely, if you have an abortion as a result of an extra marital affair... That's something your husband deserves to know???

00100001 Mon 19-Oct-15 14:32:01

What if something went wrong during the op? What if she needs support. Carrying a fucking huge secret like that for the rest of her life, surely has to be worse that the outfall of being honest????

regenerationfez Mon 19-Oct-15 14:38:07

And neither being pregnant or on the pill prevents STDs. This man is a serial cheater who doesn't use condoms. Your poor DH needs to know so he can get himself checked out.

F0xChat Mon 19-Oct-15 14:41:41

Try not to berate yourself too much as it won't help.

Think about where you'd like to be in a few years. Can you see yourself repairing your marriage, with or without this huge secret? Can you visualise a happy future with a husband you've kept a big secret from?

or can you see yourself being a single parent Have you got a good job?

Shutthatdoor Mon 19-Oct-15 14:47:14

You made your bed.

^ This

You should tell your husband. It is unfair to him to keep lying. He has done nothing wrong.

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