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This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

abortion consultation tomorrow, worried!

(71 Posts)
ShouldveThought Mon 05-Oct-15 16:02:55

I'm just going to go straight to the point before I chicken out.

I found out on Thursday that I'm pregnant, did two tests and both massive +ves. I'm in my early 30s and while I'm in a relationship it's rather turbulent, and he's a good couple of decades older than me. I've never been irresponsible with my pill til now and typically the one slip up I have and I'm peeing on a stick and getting a result I don't want.
I'm not debating my decision for a termination, and I have the consultation appointment tomorrow, a 40 minute drive from home. I have no idea how far along I am, feel sick all the time and think my boobs have a mind of their own. Other than feeling a bit ill I don't feel anything except randomly teary and irrationally scared of what I know is a relatively simple medical procedure. Because I don't know how far along, I can't decide on the method, and when I mention to the other half that I'm scared I get shit for being a bitch and treating him with no respect, told that I'm being manipulative and I'm just a stupid tart that's got herself pregnant. Then the next minute he's really nice.
I'm a professional, have to travel for work in just over 2 weeks, and I want this over with now, but at home I feel like a stupid teenager and hate myself so much for being so damn irresponsible when I know I don't want kids. I know it wasn't just the 1% failure rate, I know I messed up.
I'm scared. I'm lonely. I can't admit this at home and I just want to curl up and die because I can't see the point. I don't want him there with me because I do bad things on my own, I don't want the sarcastic comments etc, and I want to cry if I feel like it and make bad jokes if I feel like it. Is there any way I'll be able to drive myself home after the treatment?
This makes no sense, I just needed to splurge.
Can't decide whether to go for medical or surgical.
I'd rather be alone than have my fears downplayed.

PontyGirl Mon 05-Oct-15 16:06:03

Okay OP - your partner sounds absolutely awful. You do not deserve to be called names for getting pregnant. It happens. He is just as responsible as you. Honestly - you need to leave that relationship NOW.

Secondly - if indeed you do want the termination, is there anyone else that you do trust that will go with you?

ShouldveThought Mon 05-Oct-15 16:17:48

I know he's being awful, there's circumstances that aren't helping that and I may be being oversensitive... I do know how to pick them lol!
Unfortunately the only friends I have are a couple hundred miles away, so it's definitely an on my own thing. I hate not knowing, I'm worried about the time off work, and I'm sick of crying and feeling sick, and random cramps.
Wow I sound like a total tit here...
I think I just need somewhere to vent.

dietstartsmonday Mon 05-Oct-15 16:24:49

I had a consultation last week and they said if I had surgical procedure awake I would be fine to drive. Sounds horrific but she went through it and likened it to a smear.
On another note your partner is a shit. If you are anything like me you are a bit vulnerable at, emotions all over the place. You need support not name calling.
Hopefully MN can give you the support you need

dietstartsmonday Mon 05-Oct-15 16:25:54

Feel free to pm if you want more info on what they told me

winchester1 Mon 05-Oct-15 16:31:05

I had the sugical route about 12yrs ago under a general anesthetic, I couldn't have driven afterwards but would have been fine to go home in a taxi and be on my own.
I went for that as its over and done with more quickly and I could go to work the next day. I aslo found I felt a lot better once it was done and my hormones returned to normal, I was sure it was the right thing.

Please don't stay with that guy he sounds horible and controlling and you can most definatly do better.

littlegreen66 Mon 05-Oct-15 16:33:07

You are not being a tit.

First things first - focus on you. If you don't have RL support, you have virtual online support. There's another forum on here called "pregnancy choices" which may give you more of the right kind of traffic.

You have your consultation tomorrow, so tomorrow you will have lots more information on which to base your decisions, and you will have been able to get professional advice. This time tomorrow you will have a plan.

You shouldn't worry about being upset - the clinic have seen it all before.

And finally, if one of my good friends was going through this 200 miles away I would want to be there for her, so maybe that's not out of the question?

The issue of the tosser you're dating can wait til you've got through this, but seriously you deserve more than he's offering.

Hang in there. X

Bogeyface Mon 05-Oct-15 16:34:21

I can totally understand preferring to be alone, I tend to batten down the hatches and shut out the world when shit things happen.

Your "partner" is an utter shit. It matters not one jot what other circumstances are causing stress, he does not have the right to call you a bitch and a stupid tart. As for getting yourself pregnant, where the hell was he? Presumably he was happy to have sex with you? Get rid, for good. Turbulent isnt good, and its no way to live.

The procedure really does depend on how far along you are, however I have had both a medical and surgical procedure and there are pluses and minuses to both. The medical one (7 years ago) was definitely easier in terms of recovery, I felt quite rough after the surgical one (although the surgical one was almost 25 years ago so I am sure things have changed since then, for example it was general or nothing then, there was no option of a local). But it did take longer, the surgical one was over and done with on one day, whereas the medical one required 2 separate visits to take the tablets and then a wait for the actual products to be expelled.

Neither was the best day of my life obviously, but equally they were not as bad as I had expected. I think going into it confident in your decision definitely helps, as you know that you are doing the right thing and that helps in the recovery.

Take care, and tell your "D"P to go fuck himself.

whatdoIget Mon 05-Oct-15 16:34:38

I would also choose the surgical option, it's over and done with them. Sorry your partner is such a prick. Hopefully once this is sorted you can think about whether you want to stay with him flowers

PontyGirl Mon 05-Oct-15 16:35:56

You are not being oversensitive - you absolutely don't deserve the way he has treated you. Your OP makes it sound very much like emotional abuse, which is something you do not need to stand for.

This is an extremely emotional time for you - a termination, even if you don't want children, is a really shitty thing to go through emotionally. It's also really normal to be scared - but you are going to be in very good hands and they will take care of you. I'm just sad you don't have anyone supportive to go with you.

Joysmum Mon 05-Oct-15 16:38:22

Ok so there's 3 things here:

1/ the biggest virtual hug from a complete stranger are heading your way. I wish I were there to hug you in person but I'm not so this'll have to do.

2/ I can't help you wish knowing how the procedure will be but plan how to get back by public transport just in case.

3/ you're partner is a complete cunt, there's no excuse for the way he's treating you and you certainly aren't being over sensitive.

Get tomorrow out of the way, give yourself a bit of time and look after yourself, then do yourself a favour and remember that nobody deserves a man who could be so hurtful a callus, no excuses. flowers

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers Mon 05-Oct-15 16:38:58

Really you are not being a tit.

Your hormones and emotions are all over the show, and from the sounds of things you are in an abusive relationship. So no wonder you can't think straight.

When I had an abortion, I had to go for the consultation and then the actual procedure was booked for the following week. Unless you are very early on, I would be surprised if you have the procedure tomorrow, I don't know, but perhaps that is worth checking?

Might I also suggest that once all this is over you take a long, hard look at why you are with a man who treats you this way when you are at your most vulnerable? If he is so against becoming a father, there are ways and means of him ensuring that for himself without leaving it all to whoever he is sleeping with.

Thurlow Mon 05-Oct-15 16:39:11


Firstly, another vote to say he sounds like an absolute twat and not what you need right now. These things happen - with the best efforts in the world, accidental pregnancies happen to thousands of women every year. If he's willing to have sex with you, then he needs to accept there is always a tiny chance of an accident, and supportive. Any man who isn't, isn't worth being with.

I had a medical termination and the bleeding didn't start for a few hours, so I think I would have been fine to drive home (with the disclaimer that I don't actually drive, so someone may have more experience there than me).

There are many of us here who have been through this, and we are all here to hold your hand, even if we can't be with you. There is a Pregnancy Choices board that may be a better place to get this moved to, purely as that is where women who look to support other women in this situation will check for new threads.

If you keep an open mind about whether to have a medical or a surgical procedure you might have the option of picking a quicker appointment - I actually chose medical as it was the quickest appt I could get and with the sickness, that was what I wanted.

Good luck with your appointment, and let us know how you get on.

Bogeyface Mon 05-Oct-15 16:42:05

I forgot to say that after my surgical I wouldnt have been allowed to drive as it was a general, but I drove myself home after taking the second tablet for the medical and the bleeding started that evening.

ShouldveThought Mon 05-Oct-15 16:48:01

Just got home from work and he's done something nice for me so just going to keep smiling and deal with that side of things when im not raging hormones.
Everyone's been so nice here I'm trying not to cry. I couldn't find a forum where I thought this fitted, so if anyone wants to move it feel free.
Hate this so much!
Alas rl friends one can't drive and is sick, the other just had a baby. I'll be ok on my own.
I really suffer with smear tests so this is going to be the most unpleasant experience of my life but it's for the best. Have a cup of tea and going to try and eat and knit or something to keep busy

Bogeyface Mon 05-Oct-15 17:42:48

It isnt the same as a smear in that you will either be passing the products as if it were a period, or you will be anaesthetised (sp?!). I too have trouble with smears, but the TOPs were nothing like as bad so try not to worry too much.

Post here as much as you like, we will are good at hand holding flowers

Nonnainglese Mon 05-Oct-15 17:52:23

Firstly a big hug, and to say a lot of virtual hand holding on here.

Secondly your OH sounds like an utter b. He's equally responsible so needs to stop behaving like it's nothing to do with him and man up or get lost.

I have no experience of terminating a pregnancy but I do hope that the appointment goes well flowers

UnDeuxCrois Mon 05-Oct-15 18:03:57

Hi OP,

I have had one medical and one surgical abortion. I also can't deal with smear tests but neither was at all painful for me. I did end up a but anaemic from the bleeding a few weeks after the surgical one and needed treatment, but was otherwise OK. No pain and could have gone home alone on both occasions, though they wouldn't let me. I was a bit worried because I was given prescriptions for pretty high grade painkillers but never needed as much as a paracetamol both times. I hope it is the same for you.

DawnMumsnet (MNHQ) Tue 06-Oct-15 09:17:04

Hi there,

Glad to see you're getting plenty of advice and support here, ShouldveThought. If it's okay with you we're going to move this thread over to our Pregnancy Choices topic now.

Hope you're okay. flowers

ShouldveThought Tue 06-Oct-15 09:53:40

Ok so I made it to the appointment, took about an hour to drive but better than I thought. Feel ok but have clammy hands so drinking coffee and eating before I go in. It'll be better when I know. Not feeling too sick today but my bra only just fit this morning!!!
On a positive note it did make me brave driving on the motorway for the first time so I'll take little wins where I can get them

Thurlow Tue 06-Oct-15 10:34:37

smile for the little wins!

Good luck x

ShouldveThought Tue 06-Oct-15 11:34:27

So I'm 8 weeks 2 days so just made timing for early medical. I feel better now there's a plan, and it's going to be unpleasant but I get codeine if I need it and it can be done in one appointment.
Everyone at the clinic is lovely. Answered all questions. Now to see when I can get my appointment for and get it over with

Bogeyface Tue 06-Oct-15 12:57:04

Glad it went well and that you feel calmer.

In terms of pain, I felt that it was no worse than a period, not even a bad period tbh, I didnt feel the need to take any pain killers.

I am glad that you feel more comforted, having a plan really does make a difference doesnt it? Take care.

ShouldveThought Tue 06-Oct-15 13:40:36

The plan definitely makes all the difference. Much calmer, far less tearful. They said if I change my mind and want to go for surgical to just not eat for the day and tell them when I get there and they'll do that, provided I'm not driving. I'll see how the Mr is Friday and if he comes I'll go for surgical I think and get the implant at the same time so that I don't have to worry about waiting for it to happen.

ShouldveThought Tue 06-Oct-15 13:40:38

The plan definitely makes all the difference. Much calmer, far less tearful. They said if I change my mind and want to go for surgical to just not eat for the day and tell them when I get there and they'll do that, provided I'm not driving. I'll see how the Mr is Friday and if he comes I'll go for surgical I think and get the implant at the same time so that I don't have to worry about waiting for it to happen.

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